I have wondered if I had the strength to persevere through this season of my life. I have wondered how long this would have to go on (two years seems like a really long time). I have wondered when this is going to get easier, when things are going to FEEL different, when things are going to BE different. I have begged God to change things. I have asked Him to give me strength.
Yet, I have not been allowing Him to work in me. I ask for His strength, but then I try to stand on my own. I have not allowed Him to continue refining me, transforming me because I have not wanted to feel more hurt. I have been shutting out God's strength, peace, and comfort; I have been shutting out the people God has placed in my life to encourage me and help me.
In resisting God's work I have only felt more pain. I have felt alone, tired, discouraged, weary.
Today I am reminded (again) that God uses trials, challenges, difficulties, and hurts to transform me to be more like Christ. These struggles through life are the things that develop character, that teach me to bear fruit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, and self-control. Really, what more could I want? Yes, in my human, selfish nature, I want a perfect life right here, right now on this earth. But, in reality, this life is temporary (and it is perfect for NO ONE). It is brief. And then, there is eternity.
Today I will stop trying to stand in my own strength. Today I will go back to RESTING in God's strength. Today I will choose to persevere. Today I will choose to allow God to continue transforming me, so that He is glorified.
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3 comments:
Kristin,
OH, I can't even begin to imagine your pain and sorrow...
Praying for you today.
Jen
Wow...this message touched me deeply tonight. Kristin, each time I read your words - and get a peak inside your heart, I feel as though im reading from my own "book". When you talked about asking God for strength, then trying to stand on your own - oh, goodness that smacked me hard! That is EXACTLY what I have been doing - withouth even realizing it! Or maybe I realize it from time to time, yet don't want to face it. I dunno! Half the time I don't know if I am coming or going these days. In fact, I didn't even know its was St. Patty's - shoulda had these girls decked out in green, yet it flew by without me knowing - like everything else lately! sigh... I just love when you share your heart with all of us - I love hearing you speak the truth, though the truth is painful. It truly helps me to KNOW that I am not the only one struggling so much, that i am not the only one hurting, wishing, praying for things to change. Of course I still wish I could snap my fingers and make things right for you and for me - but to know that I am not the only one trying to learn how to 'walk the walk' through grief, is comforting.
I love you dear friend - my prayers are going up for you again tonight, just like every night!
Please keep sharing your heart with us - we do care and we love to know how we can be praying for you.
God bless you.
Kel
Oh my, how the refining can hurt. You want the Lord to heal, work progress, but the whole process can be so painful at times. Kristin, I have to continually remind myself too that this life is so so very short and eternity is FOREVER! I am praying for you right now, that you would be able to lean fully into His love, care, and strength. Praying...
Sara
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