Honesty

Lately I have found it very difficult to come to the blog and share my heart. My desire is to bring God glory through the things I say on this blog, so I am sometimes left to wonder if sharing the pain of my grief is the right thing to do. I don't want any one reading my thoughts and thinking that I don't believe that God is good or that God is sovereign. I TRULY believe both of those things. But, I also believe that God gave me these emotions that come with my grief. So it is my desire to continue to share my heart and my emotions here; to let people know what grief is like (for me). I had NO idea what grief was really like before Ryan died and I think most people don't truly understand until they have experienced it first hand themselves.

The past week has been one of the most difficult weeks I have experienced since Ryan's death. The anniversary markers are always difficult, but 6 months was more difficult. Even on Friday (the 5th), I was struggling. I was again drawn back to the final hours of Ryan's life -- the things he was going through and the difficult decisions that I had to make.

Saturday was just hard. I was missing Ryan and I was emotional. Then I ended up getting the stomach flu. I don't know any mom who thinks having the stomach flu is easy, but it amplified the loss of Ryan, my husband, my partner, to an even higher degree. There was no one there to keep me company, bring me a blanket, run out to the store and get the things I needed, feed, play with, or distract the kids. (Unfortunately my parents were out of town; fortunately my friend sent her husband to the store and he dropped off a few things -- THANK YOU!) I cried, the kids cried, but we all survived (and thankfully neither of them got sick!). Having the stomach flu was also a reminder of the night I had to call an ambulance for Ryan (he never came home again), because I had the stomach flu that night and was unable to go to the hospital with him. Again, more tears.

My kids have also broken my heart this week. Something seems to have triggered "Daddy" for them. Both Lily and Wyatt have cried "I want Daddy" this week a few times (it rarely occurs). They have wanted to watch their Daddy videos over and over. It seems so unfair that they can't have their Daddy. It seems so unfair that they have to try and comprehend what it means that Daddy is in heaven with Jesus, that no, they cannot go to heaven right now, but that they have to wait until Jesus says it is their turn. Oh how I wish the 3 of us could hop on a plane for heaven right now!

The other thing making this week difficult is my upcoming birthday. I was not looking forward to my birthday anyway, but having to "celebrate" without Ryan is incomprehensible to me. We never made a huge deal out of birthdays, but Ryan always made sure to make me feel special anyway that he could. When I was teaching, he would often take the day off from work and bring me lunch and hang out while I graded exams. One year, he decorated the house in a luau theme, bought me a Dairy Queen ice cream cake (my favorite!) and invited a bunch of friends over to just hang out...after going out to dinner at Cheeseburger In Paradise. I miss the person who always managed to make me feel special!

Through the sadness of this week, there have been blessings. I went to lunch yesterday with two of Ryan's co-workers. (This is the second time we have done it and we are hoping to make it a monthly occurrence.) They came to the restaurant with a HUGE bag full of Christmas gifts for the kids and I from our "5/3rd Family". These people continue to make me feel so loved. They continue to show me the kind of impact my husband had on the people around him. I also received a Christmas gift in the mail from former clients of Ryan's when he worked at Ameriprise. This couple contacted me because of Ryan's impact on their life. I had an amazing husband! Tomorrow, I will head out with some friends to visit the great city of Chicago. I am looking forward to this time away and this distraction from sadness.

I am thankful for what God is doing in my life, even if it does hurt a little (or a lot sometimes)! As I said in my last post, I know that he is using these experiences to shape me into the person he wants and needs me to be.