Heart Ache

Today my heart aches. Today marks one year since Ryan has lived in the same house as Lily, Wyatt and me. Wyatt was up in the middle of the night last night and when I got back into bed, I looked at the clock to realize it was about the same time a year ago that Ryan told me I needed to call an ambulance, that he was really struggling to breath (one day early, but both occurred on a Sunday morning).

I tried to convince myself to just fall back to sleep but the memories of what followed that awful night would not shut off in my brain.

I couldn't help but remember:

• how helpless I was that night as my husband was being taken away in the ambulance and my dad followed along in the car. I was stuck at home with the stomach flu...
• the phone calls I had to make to his parents.
• the panic wash over me as Dr. Fitch called me to tell me Ryan was going to have to go on a ventilator.
• the sense of urgency I felt driving to the hospital to see Ryan, to talk to him, to hear his voice...
• the shear terror I felt walking into his room after his vent had been placed.
• the phone call to U of M and realizing how serious this all was.
• the days at Ryan's bedside in early April when he wasn't waking up and it seemed that the doctors and staff were ready to give up.
• the sense of hope that I felt as Ryan started to make a turn for the better.
• the joy I felt at communicating with Ryan again, seeing his determination to beat the odds and prove the doctors wrong.
• the friendships built with the staff in the Unit.
• the pride I had in Ryan's strength, his ability to get out of bed and walk and meet his requirements to get back on the list.
• the priceless moments we had together when we talked for hours about our past and our dreams for our future.
• the anxiety as Ryan's health again started to spiral downward.
• the persistence that Ryan had to keep fighting...to press on.
• the losing battle, the suffering in his eyes as his body got more and more tired.
• the 100% oxygen settings on the ventilator.
• the moment I knew he wasn't going to make it.
• the last "I love you's".
• the last good-bye.

I wonder today how I will make it through the next 11 weeks of remembering...only by God's sustaining grace...