I have been absent from the blog because I really don't have much to say. There are things that go through my mind on a daily basis regarding our journey, but most of those things I don't know how to put down into words. I hate to always be negative or depressing, so sometimes it is easier not to share...
There is a constant battle of loneliness raging in my heart and in my mind. I hate walking this path by myself. Yes, I know that I have a lot of friends and family who care about me. Yes, I know that I have a God who loves me immeasurably. Yes, I know that I have two beautiful children who make me laugh (and sometimes cry) on a daily basis. But that does not change the fact that life is lonely. It does not change the fact that Ryan does not walk through the door each night after work. It does not change the fact that the one person who could get Wyatt to smile during a bath is never going to help with baths again. It does not change the fact that being a single mom is one of the hardest tasks I have ever faced. It does not change the fact that each night I lay in bed and my husband does not lay next to me.
I keep hoping that when I wake up each morning it will get a little easier. Some days are easier; some days are not. Seven weeks from today we will be at the anniversary of Ryan's death. I keep thinking that maybe things will be different after that. All of the firsts will be done. I will have survived the first year. But, in reality, life will continue on without Ryan just as it has done for the past year. I will still face loneliness. I will still face the struggles of being a single mom.
But, I will still make it through each day with God's strength, grace and love.
5 comments:
Hugs to you dear friend..
Im so sorry that your heart aches so very deeply - but it's completely understandable. I can't quite comprehend the loneliness that comes from losing the love of your life - and clearly losing a child is so very different - but loneliness does engulf my heart at times and it does hurt. I certainly wish we lived in the same neighborhood so we could share tears, laughter and hugs...please know my prayers are being lifted for you today. I can also understand why you might not feel like sharing these moments of your life right now - its often so 'easy' for all of us looking from the outside in...and for that I am sorry. :0( I wanted to let you know that I am here if you feel like talking..or crying. I am not here to judge and I can't take away all the hurt, but I can listend and I can pray. Though we have never met face to face, I feel as though we have been great friends all of our lives. It breaks my heart to know you are hurting so deeply..my prayers are with you today - and always dear friend.
Email me or call me if you feel up to it. God bless you hun....
Love,
Kelly
kristin
the loneliness you describe must feel so all encompassing at times...i can't understand, i can only pray that you get through those lonlier times. i do know that the 7 weeks leading up to seth's first heaven birthday were the toughest for me. so if you're feeling more lost, tired, down, just going through the motions, apathetic, can't seem to get anything done, generally just in a fog...i do know those feelings and i will pray all the more for you in the upcoming weeks. this part of your grief road just plain sucks (sorry for my bluntness...but it just fits the situation). hang in there, girl...we'll be praying you through.
jolynn
I have to admit I didn't read past the first paragraph. I can't.
Just know that I love you even though we have never met in person we share alot. You are amazing and I am thankful that God blessed me with the opportunity to know you.
One day I'm gonna get on a jet plane and fly to meet you.So we can cry and throw some clay together. lol
Much love.
hurting for you my dear friend. I love you and I know you know that and I know it does not make the hurt any better but I still have to say it. With that, know that we are praying and understand your absenteeism from blogging.
I'm sorry Kristen. I think about these things almost every day and wonder how you make it through. I wish I could take that loneliness away. I wish I could bring Ryan back to you and the kids. I pray -that is the only powerful thing that I can do. Know that my heart is with you on this journey and I can't wait to see what God has in store for you. Love you~!
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