One Week

It has been one week since Ryan died. It has been a whirlwind of a week with coming home from U of M, planning a Celebration of Life service, and adjusting to "mommyhood" again. I have been so busy that I don't think reality has set in yet.

There are moments when I miss Ryan so much. It is always the little things. Enjoying a dinner that someone brought over and thinking "I should get the recipe, Ryan would love this." Tim Russert dying and thinking "I should call Ryan, he would want to know this." Lily and Wyatt seeing the letter "T" and saying Daddy because Daddy wears ties. Praying with our small group and Ryan not being there.

I miss him in the big things too. As I think about what the future holds for Lily, Wyatt and me it is hard for me to picture what it is going to look like without Ryan. I don't think I ever thought about him not receiving his new lungs; I knew that we would probably not "grow old together", but it was still supposed to be after several more years of marriage. Titles like "widow" and "single mom" are not ways I thought of myself.

There are so many things I need to do: get health insurance, figure out what exactly to do with his life insurance, decide if I need to start looking for a job. The list seems to get longer and longer and as I add things to it it gets more and more overwhelming.

I know that I need to trust God to get me through each of the days ahead just as I was trusting him while we were in Ann Arbor. God has been so faithful to me even if he didn't answer my prayers in ways I would have liked. He has healed my husband and he has blessed me with two beautiful children. He has sustained my strength and surrounded me with people who love me. I know that God will be with me and we will get through this all one day at a time.