More Firsts

We are facing more "firsts" this week. I am dreading facing the "firsts". I hate the "firsts"! They aren't all big events, but they are events that meant something to Ryan.

Kentucky Derby. Ryan LOVED to watch this. I have no idea why, but he looked forward to watching this split-second sporting event each year. Last year we watched this from Ann Arbor (not actually together because I was out to dinner...). I don't want to watch it today!

Mother's Day. Yes, Mother's Day is a full week away, but due to our vacation, we are celebrating Mother's Day tonight with my family (Mom, thanks for all that you do for the kids and I! We could not have gotten through this past year without you!). I don't know why this day seems so hard. It is, after all, a day for moms, but Ryan always did his best to make this a special day for me. He always did something sweet or silly to tell me how much he appreciated me being the mother of his children. Last year, we spent Mother's Day together in the hospital with both of our moms. It was a hard day because he was "diagnosed" with C-DIF and once again put on hold.

Disney. Please don't get me wrong, I am REALLY looking forward to our vacation this week. I am looking forward to getting away for a few days. But this is the first vacation we are taking as a family and a very important part of the family is missing. Ryan and I were never able to take vacations due to his health issues and a lack of finances (he did spoil me with a honeymoon in Hawaii though!). I know that he would love watching Lily and Wyatt take in everything at Disney.

There have been other things happening in life that I long to discuss with Ryan: to gain his wisdom, to cry on his shoulder, to laugh about together, to share the burden. I miss him so much today!!!