Thanksgiving

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I have much to be thankful for, but I can't help feeling a little sadness as well. It is another major holiday without Ryan. And while it is not the first Thanksgiving without Ryan, there are some "firsts" to it that bring about a whole new round of grief.

It was always our tradition to spend one year with my family and one year with Ryan's family (and then switch for Christmas). The last Thanksgiving (2007) that Ryan was alive we enjoyed our day with my mom's side of the family. We spent the afternoon and evening gathered together in a church gym eating, watching football (Ryan, not me), chatting with family we don't get to see often enough, looking through Black Friday ads, playing games, watching the kids run with their cousins, and of course eating some more.

This year, we are back with my mom's side of the family (last year was my dad's side because my parents "switch" too). It is the first Thanksgiving that I will spend with my mom's family without Ryan in 8 years. It makes me sad to know that I will not be able to look across the room to see him watching football with my cousins with Wyatt sitting in his lap, or hear him laugh about something someone said, or look through Black Friday ads together deciding if we are still crazy enough to fight the crowds to get what we want for Lily and Wyatt for Christmas.

Yet even on a day filled with some sadness, I have much to be thankful for:

• a God who loves me and provides for me.
• a deeper faith.
• two wonderful children who fill my day with laughter, hugs, kisses, and "I love you, Mommy."
• parents who love us and are willing to help with anything.
• family who has supported us for the last 17+ months.
• friends who continue to overwhelm me with their thoughtfulness and love, as well as make me laugh often.
• a babysitter for my children who has become a wonderful friend.
• a church family who amazes me with their acts of service on a regular basis.
• a beautiful house that has become our home.
• health -- for all three of us.
• financial security during difficult economic times.
• the ability to be a stay-at-home-mom.

I really am so blessed!

Weekend Update

Thanksgiving has come and gone. We "survived" our first holiday without Ryan. There were a few tears, but overall it went well. I greatly appreciated the hugs that I received and the willingness of others to talk about Ryan. The kids had great fun running around with their cousins and did quite well despite skipping naps!

It has been a busy couple of days after the holiday as well. Early yesterday morning, Papa Steve got here to spend a little time with us. The kids played, and played, and played with their Papa Steve. While the three of them were napping, I joined in on the craziness of Black Friday and went to the mall. I got a little of my Christmas shopping done, but I also got some fun things for me. :)

Today, Saturday, was filled with more playing, but we also went and looked at a house. I want to be able to purchase a house for the kids and I that will be a place we can grow into and stay for quite awhile. It is an overwhelming task. I need to think about things like: school district, the number to bedrooms and bathrooms, the size of the lawn. These are things that everyone must consider when buying a new house, it just causes me to feel the loss of Ryan even more. We can't bounce ideas off one another or state the pros and cons of different houses. I know that I have people that I can ask, but ultimately it is my decision -- one that I am not looking forward to making on my own.

Over the past few days I have also added to our ornament collection with our 2008 ornaments. Lily and Wyatt had fun picking out their own ornaments, although the girl selection was quite limited.

Wyatt's "Backhoe Loader" (probably not an accurate name, but it's Wyatt calls it).

Lily's bear (it is pink, that is why she got it -- she is not into bears or dancing, but again, our choices were limited :) ).

The harder ornament to choose was our family ornament. It made the most sense to get a "three person" ornament, but Ryan is still part of our life. I went with two ornaments:

Lily, Wyatt, and Mommy 2008

Our angel, Daddy (the wagon says 6/6/2008)

Here are just some random pictures from the past few days:

Lily enjoys checking out the ornaments on the tree.

Being silly while eating our cereal.

Watching the parade on Thanksgiving morning.

Thanksgiving

Today is Thanksgiving. It is a day to remember all of the blessings that God has put in our lives. I thought that it might be interesting to go back and see what I was thankful for 1 year ago and compare it to what I am thankful for today.

Last Years Blessings:
1. A God who loves me in spite of my sinful nature -- GRACE!
2. Ryan, a wonderful husband who also loves me in spite of my sinful nature :)
3. Lily Grace and Wyatt Ryan -- what would my life be without them?
4. My Mom and Dad who help me so tremendously.
5. All of my family and friends, Michigan and Illinois alike, who love me and support me in this journey called life.
6. A great friend who is a terrific example of faith in all situations.
7. A GREAT church where I am able to worship God and grow in Him.
8. A small group with people who care and challenge me in ways they don't even know.
9. The insurance in MI that covers 100% of the cost of Ryan's CF medical care!!!
10. Ryan's great job and the flexibility they offer with Ryan's health.

This Years Blessings:
1. A God who loves me, walks beside me, and strengthens me in my grief.
2. Ryan, a wonderful husband, who made me a better person in our short time together!
3. Lily Grace and Wyatt Ryan -- what would my life be without them?
4. My Mom and Dad who help me so tremendously.
5. All of my family and friends, Michigan and Illinois alike, who love me and support me in this journey called life.
6. A great friend who is a terrific example of faith in all situations.
7. A GREAT church where I am able to worship God and grow in Him.
8. A small group with people who care and listen.
9. The insurance in MI that covered 100% of the cost of Ryan's CF medical care -- where would I be right now without this?
10. 5/3rd Bank's Wealth Management Department.

Surprisingly, my lists are very similar. God has continued to bless me despite hardship and it is important that I continually recognize that. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says "Be joyful (not happy, but joyful) always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

I am not thankful that Ryan is not here with me, but I am thankful that he is in heaven and that he no longer faces the suffering that his life on this earth required. I am thankful that God has so richly blessed me with family and friends who love me and hold me up as I grieve. I am thankful for my wonderful children: their smiles and their laughter. I have many reasons to be thankful for today, so I will focus on those as I feel the loss of my wonderful husband today, Thanksgiving Day.