it's been a long time...

life has been busy.

here is what we have been up to in no particular order:

lily and wyatt "graduated" preschool.

i went to cedar point.

we enjoyed time in pools and at the beach.

lily learned to ride her bike without training wheels.

 

we took a train ride.

we celebrated mother's day.

we re-landscaped part of the backyard.

lily and wyatt had s'mores for the 1st time.

i learned to roller blade again.

we went to lily and wyatt's first baseball game.

lily and wyatt went camping for the 1st time (with Grandma and Grandpa).

i went to chicago for a "tourist-y" weekend: navy pier, millennium park, cubs game, magnificent mile

lily and wyatt went fishing with grandpa (and cousins).

we ate some ice cream :)

we spent time in grand haven.

lily and wyatt started kindergarten (all day, every day) -- they love it...mom isn't so sure.

i started working 3 days a week.

we made 2 trips to chicago to celebrate with family.

lily went to her 1st birthday party for a friend.

we went to 2 parades.

we met baby symphony.

we met the baby born from the embryos i donated -- what a treasure for my heart!

lily and wyatt went to vacation bible school

Chicago -- Ryan Style

Here is a video montage of our weekend in Chicago remembering Ryan on his 2nd Heaven Birthday. The music playing is the theme song from West Wing -- Ryan's favorite tv show.

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

an emotional week

It is going to be an emotional week, it already has been an emotional week.

On Monday, my sister, April's, father-in-law passed away. While it was not completely unexpected, it seemed to be sudden. Jim was a godly man; he is in heaven rejoicing now, free from the pain of this world. I asked Casey yesterday if she thought Grandpa Jim was in heaven telling Uncle Ryan all about how we were doing and all about Jessie (who was born after Ryan died), she got a big grin on her face and said "yup". Please be in prayer for April, Steve, Jack, Casey, Charlie, Jessie, and all of Steve's family as they are grieving the loss of a dad, husband, and grandpa.

For me, all the emotions come flooding back as I stop to think about his wife and all that she is facing. The ache and loneliness of living life alone. The nights lying in bed and not hearing the steady breath of her husband sleeping next to her. The lack of companionship at dinner each night. My heart is so broken for her! I know that it will be hard to be at the visitation and funeral later this week. It just brings back so many memories! My heart hurts for those who loved him most.

Ryan's birthday is also coming. The anticipation of Disney has helped to process through some of the sadness, but as March 2nd moves closer, my heart aches to celebrate Ryan's 29th birthday with him. I am sure that he would LOVE teasing me about the fact that I am in my 30's and he is still in his 20's.

An update on the kids (by request):

• Both kids seem to be feeling much better. The coughs and runny noses are pretty much gone -- yay!
• They have both given up naps for the most part, although they still get rest time each day to help restore my strength (and sanity) to make it through until bedtime.
• They are super excited about Disney. They will dance around the house singing "we're going to Disney!" and they tell everyone (including strangers) that we are leaving in a couple weeks.
• I realized yesterday how big they are getting when I was watching my niece, Jessie. She was standing on the floor looking up and me and she was so far away! I can't believe how tall the kids are getting -- especially Wyatt. He is starting to need 5T pants for the length!
• They continue to love going to AWANA Cubbies and learning their bible memory verses.

I will try to get some pictures up later this week, I don't think I have taken any in over a month! Thanks for your prayers for my sister's family and for me as we journey through this emotional week.

Looking Back

Since I wrote my post reviewing 2009, I have also been thinking about the past decade. So much has changed in the last 10 years and I thought it might be interesting to highlight some of the major events that have occurred in that time.

• 2000: Finished my junior year of college and began my senior year at Trinity Christian College in Palos Heights, IL. I worked at Steelcase for the last time as summer help. I had knee surgery in December.
• 2001: I did my student teaching at Southwest Chicago Christian School -- Tinley Park (6th grade) and Chicago Ridge Public School (4th grade). I graduated college with a B.A. in elementary education. I spent the summer back in Michigan working at Gap and babysitting before moving to Illinois. I began working at Westminster Christian School (WCS) teaching 7th and 8th grade math, 8th grade bible, and a computer elective. I also met Ryan.
• 2002: Ryan and I began dating on February 14. We were engaged in June. Ryan went into the hospital for the first time while we were together. We began wedding planning. I continued teaching at WCS.
• 2003: Ryan and I bought a townhouse in Lake In The Hills, IL. We got married on July 5 and went to Hawaii on our honeymoon. I continued working at WCS and Ryan worked at Precision Twist Drill.
• 2004: Ryan began working at Ameriprise as a financial planner. We flew to Connecticut for his best friend's wedding. We had a puppy for 6 weeks. :)
• 2005: Ryan had a major CF crash in April that lead to us beginning transplant evaluation at University of Wisconsin -- Madison. We began pursuing IVF. We found out that we were pregnant with twins in September -- YAY!
• 2006: I went on maternity leave and Ryan lost his job at the end of March. Lily and Wyatt were born on April 3 (33 6/7 wks). Ryan worked part time through the summer in Illinois. He found a job in Grand Rapids, MI. We moved to Michigan in September and lived with my parents. We sold our townhouse the last week of December.
• 2007: We started renting a townhouse. We enjoyed watching Lily and Wyatt grow. Ryan's health began to take a turn for the worse at the end of the year. We again began pursuing a lung transplant, this time at U of M.
• 2008: Ryan finished his lung transplant evaluation and was listed on March 17. He went into the ICU on March 23 and was never able to return home. Ryan went to heaven on June 6 after 10 1/2 weeks in the ICU. God became my source of strength during the most difficult time of my life.
• 2009: I bought a home for Lily, Wyatt, and myself. We took a trip to Disney with my parents. I continued to rely on God...

It is so great to reflect on where I have come from. When the last decade started I was far from being the person that I am today. I made choices based on what I wanted for myself and not on what God wanted for me. He has used the events of the past 10 years to draw me closer and to transform me into who I am today. Some of the things He has used have been fun, happy, joyful things. Some of the things He has used have been difficult, trying, sad things. Through them all I can see God's faithfulness. I can see how He orchestrated situations in my life to show me who He is. I am so thankful for a God who loves me and provides for me. I am thankful that even with an uncertain future, I can KNOW that God will provide for all of my needs and that I am loved!

Christmas in Pictures

Well, Christmas 2009 has come and gone. It was a whirlwind of parties and craziness, but a lot of fun too.

Traditions of Christmas:
ornaments ~ one for each of the kids to represent something about their year and a family ornament
watching some Christmas classics (Charlie Brown & the Grinch) together in our jammies (new this year)
making some sort of birthday cake for Jesus and singing Happy Birthday to him!

Schedule of our Christmas week ~ BUSY!:
Christmas Eve's Eve (Wednesday): made cupcakes and watched Christmas classics
Christmas Eve (Thursday): decorated cupcakes and cookies with friends, opened some presents on Skype with family in Florida, Christmas Eve Service at church
Christmas Day (Friday): Christmas breakfast -- singing Happy Birthday to Jesus, opening presents as a family, celebration with my family, celebration with my Dad's extended family
Saturday: packed up and headed to Illinois (and a winter storm), party with Ryan's extended family, checked into our hotel, party with Papa Steve (Ryan's dad)
Sunday: church (at the church Ryan and I were married in), party with Grammy (Ryan's mom), quick visit with Papa Steve, dinner with friends
Monday: packed up and headed home!

Thanksgiving

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I have much to be thankful for, but I can't help feeling a little sadness as well. It is another major holiday without Ryan. And while it is not the first Thanksgiving without Ryan, there are some "firsts" to it that bring about a whole new round of grief.

It was always our tradition to spend one year with my family and one year with Ryan's family (and then switch for Christmas). The last Thanksgiving (2007) that Ryan was alive we enjoyed our day with my mom's side of the family. We spent the afternoon and evening gathered together in a church gym eating, watching football (Ryan, not me), chatting with family we don't get to see often enough, looking through Black Friday ads, playing games, watching the kids run with their cousins, and of course eating some more.

This year, we are back with my mom's side of the family (last year was my dad's side because my parents "switch" too). It is the first Thanksgiving that I will spend with my mom's family without Ryan in 8 years. It makes me sad to know that I will not be able to look across the room to see him watching football with my cousins with Wyatt sitting in his lap, or hear him laugh about something someone said, or look through Black Friday ads together deciding if we are still crazy enough to fight the crowds to get what we want for Lily and Wyatt for Christmas.

Yet even on a day filled with some sadness, I have much to be thankful for:

• a God who loves me and provides for me.
• a deeper faith.
• two wonderful children who fill my day with laughter, hugs, kisses, and "I love you, Mommy."
• parents who love us and are willing to help with anything.
• family who has supported us for the last 17+ months.
• friends who continue to overwhelm me with their thoughtfulness and love, as well as make me laugh often.
• a babysitter for my children who has become a wonderful friend.
• a church family who amazes me with their acts of service on a regular basis.
• a beautiful house that has become our home.
• health -- for all three of us.
• financial security during difficult economic times.
• the ability to be a stay-at-home-mom.

I really am so blessed!

July 2009 -- In Pictures

We are already half way through July and I really haven't posted any pictures on the blog to show what we have done, mainly because we have been busy!

Month in Review:

I started the month with a visit to Val's for her bridal shower! It was so nice to be able to celebrate with her and to get a 24 hour mini-vacation!

We went to the 4th of July parade that I have gone to since I was child...it is not what it used to be, but Lily and Wyatt enjoyed it.

We had a visit from Auntie Val and Dave. It was the first time Lily and Wyatt have met Dave and I am happy to report that they have "approved"! :)

We traveled to Navy Pier in Chicago to celebrate Grandma-Great's birthday with all of Ryan's family. It was a whirlwind trip, but it was wonderful to surprise Grandma!

We have spent a day at the beach with friend! (no pictures of that...sorry!)

What We've Been Up To

We enjoyed the rest of our trip to Illinois this week...here is what happened after our day in the city on Wednesday.

Wednesday night: we visited with some friends and then we had dinner with Papa Steve at Chili's -- YUM! We then headed back to our hotel, where the kids enjoyed sleeping in the big beds just a little too much.

Wyatt was bouncing around and fell off the bed. Thankfully the only thing he ended up with was a fat lip.

Thursday morning, my mom, the kids and I headed to IKEA. (I have not been there since before the kids were born.) We spent 3 hours there shopping, exploring, and eating. The kids loved it and so did I!

In the afternoon we headed back to the hotel for a rest. The kids needed a nap, so my mom stayed at the hotel with them and I went to my friend, Rachel's house for a visit. I have not seen her in way too long. It was so nice to be able to catch up with her and spend some time with her daughter, Maddie, who I have only met one other time!

After Rachel's house, I picked up my mom and the kids and we went over to Grammy's house for dinner. It was good to be able to spend time with Laurel, Grandma Jean, Aunt Linda, Brittany, and Cameron. Lily loved all over her "baby Cameron!"

Wyatt loved being silly!

Friday morning, we went out to Kandy's house to hang out. The kids (Jackson, Lily, and Wyatt) enjoyed playing together and I enjoyed loving on Addison Hope! :) We took the kids to a school by their house and let them run and play on the playground. It is so fun to see all that they are able to do this year!


The afternoon was again spent taking naps!


For dinner Friday night, we went to the home of a wonderful family, the Dunham's! It was so fun to be able to catch up with all of them (Doug and Patty; Kristen, Kevin, and Seth; and Stefanie and Daniel), as well as spend more time with Papa Steve! Kristen and Kevin just arrived "home" for the summer from Hungary where Kevin is a teacher at school for "missionary" kids. I hadn't seen them in almost 2 years -- I had never met their little boy, Seth! It was also fun to watch all of the kids (Daniel, Seth, Lily and Wyatt) while the big kids (Papa Steve, "Grandpa" Doug, and Kevin) chased them around.

Lily and Wyatt playing in the sand box with Seth.

Daniel (Stefanie's son) and Lily waiting for another ride in the wagon!

Saturday morning we loaded up and headed home in the rain. We had a lot of fun while we were gone, but there is nothing quite like sleeping in your own bed!

Monday we began our adventures in potty training. I have been dreading potty training since before I was ever pregnant. It seemed like such an impossible, messy, overwhelming task. But, Lily and Wyatt have done FABULOUS! I would say that after only 3 days we are at least 95% potty trained (still in diapers at night). They are both able to tell me when they need to go and they are both dry after naps (diapers just in case for a few more days). I am so glad that I waited until they were a little older and did not force the issue back in February/March when I originally started! They have done so well and they are so proud of themselves! Mommy is proud too! :)

Making brownies today just for fun! :)

Blessed

BLESSED! That is the best word to describe how I feel today. I have been surrounded by family and friends over the last two days. We have celebrated Ryan's life together, as well as his 1st Heaven Birthday. I feel so loved and so at peace. God is good.

The Memorial Dinner hosted by 5/3rd Bank and Chapel Pointe was AMAZING! They thought of every little detail, right down to the "Donate Life" chocolates at every place setting. There was a ton for all of the kids to do: face painting, tattoos, balloon animals, a cake walk, a fire truck, golf cart rides, a bounce house, and cotton candy. There was live music and good conversation for the adults.

Our Day of Remembering today was equally overwhelming. I was surrounded by the people that have supported me over the last year. We enjoyed a potluck lunch here at the house and then we went to Daddy's Place (cemetery) where our pastor read scripture and talked about Ryan. We then sent balloons to Ryan for his 1st Heaven Birthday. It was so neat for me to watch all of the kids at the cemetery, many of them went and sat by Ryan's headstone for a little bit...it was precious!

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU to every one who made these days special! I appreciate you all!

I can now officially say that our first year is over. I am not sure exactly how that makes me feel. No different really, but I am entering this second year with a little apprehension. I have heard that the second year can be worse than the first. The numbness has worn off and the full reality of life has set in. It makes me wonder where I am actually at on this grief journey. I feel like I have been living in reality, but what will this next year bring? The one thing I do know for sure -- God is good and He will continue to be faithful for the next 12 months, just as He has been for the past 12!

Weekend Fun

What fun weekend!

Friday started with birthday party for my nephew, Noah. This was interrupted by a phone call from my friend, Val. She was calling to tell me that she is ENGAGED! YIPPEE! Congrats to Val and Dave, I am so excited to see how God is going to work in your lives together.

Val was really excited! (Who isn't when they get engaged?)

Dave did a great job picking out the ring!

The happy couple!

On Saturday and Sunday, we enjoyed a visit from Ryan's mom and Grandma! The kids were spoiled rotten, but we all had a good time together.

Lily, Grammy, and Wyatt

Grandma-Great, Lily, and Grammy

Here are 3 videos of Lily and Wyatt "exercising" with Grandma-Great. I couldn't pick which one was my favorite, so I put all three of them up. Lily thought that it was fun to get up and run circles around Mommy... (don't forget to turn the music off on the blog).

Today we are on to the joys of potty training. We are 3 hours in and they have both had 2 accidents and 1 successful attempt. This just might be a task that is put on hold for another week or two...

Welcome to the World, Jessie Marie!

Jessie Marie

8 lb.

21 1/2"

January 11, 2009

11:51 pm

The whole family:

Jessie, Jack (6), April, Charlie (almost 3), Steve, and Casey (4)

The girls: Casey and Jessie

Biggest Brother, Jack and Littlest Sister, Jessie

Charlie wasn't interested in having his picture taken....

Illinois Visit

Late Thursday afternoon, the kids, my mom and I headed out for a trip to Illinois. (My parents were gracious enough to allow us to take there car -- thank you!) We had a whirlwind visit with lots of stops to see friends and family. We were on the go for the entire 48 hours that we were there. We were able to meet Cameron and celebrate both Grammy's and Papa Steve's birthdays. The visit was short, fun, crazy and exhausting, but it was good to see many of our Illinois friends and family!



I also got to go and help my sister-in-law, Amanda, pick out her wedding dress. Thanks for letting me be a part of that, Amanda! (The dress is gorgeous!!!!)

Trick or Treat x3

Lily and Wyatt got great use out the the M & M costumes my mom made for them. I had decided earlier this fall that Lily would just be her elephant from last year and that I would find something for Wyatt. I changed my mind...I figure that they aren't going to want to dress alike forever, so I would do it while I could. I thought M & M's was a good choice considering how much they love to eat them. Lily chose to be a purple M & M and Wyatt chose orange. Thanks, Mom for making their cute costumes!

Wednesday night we went to Trunk or Treat where my sisters and their families go to church. It was FREEZING outside, but the kids had fun and we got a ton of candy! It was a good way for them to learn about this whole candy and Halloween thing was all about.

Checking out their candy from Trunk or Treating

Thursday afternoon, the three of us headed to 5/3rd for their annual Halloween Parade (the kids of employees go to all the different offices and Trick or Treat). We had gone the previous 2 years because Ryan worked there and last week Saturday they invited us to attend again this year. The kids were spoiled rotten there and got even more candy than they did the night before. Thanks for having us!

Lily is showing Derek (Ryan's boss) all of her candy from the Halloween Parade.

Tonight, we went to my sister's house for pizza and Trick or Treating with all of their cousins. Lily and Wyatt have never gone Trick or Treating before, but they quickly learned the ropes from their cousins. They really enjoyed going, except when there were dogs at the different houses.

The Cousins: Jack 6, Charlie 2, Noah 4, Anna 6, Casey 4, Lily 2, and Wyatt 2

On the way home from my sister's we saw people out on the streets still trick or treating. Lily asked if we could go again and I said we were all done. Wyatt then proceeded to tell her that we would go again tomorrow...I might be in trouble :)

It's A Boy!

I am an aunt again! Ryan's brother, Nicholas, welcomed his son into the world last night.

Cameron

8 lb. 9 oz.

21 1/2 "

10:34 pm

Congratulations, Nick and Brittney!

His middle name has not been decided yet. Lily and Wyatt are already asking if we can go and see him. We won't be able to go for a couple of weeks, but we are excited for this new little life!

Pumpkin Patch Fun

On Saturday, Grammy (Ryan's mom) and Nana-Great (Ryan's grandma) came for a weekend visit. We headed out to the Post Family Farms for a day of pumpkin fun. Lily and Wyatt were both a little hesitant about the goats and horses, but they enjoyed most of the other activities.

Lily jumped right in with a ride on the Pumpkin Train. She loved the ride even thought is was really bumpy. Wyatt laughed the whole time watching her, but did not want to ride. After the pumpkin train, Grammy, Lily, Wyatt and I headed out on a hayride to pick some pumpkins. Again, Wyatt didn't like it at first, but he was sad when we were all done.

When we got back from our hayride, we ate lunch, painted some pumpkins and then headed back to the Pumpkin Train. This time Wyatt decided to give it a try and he cried when it was time to get off. We all had a great time!



We enjoyed our whole weekend visit with Grammy and Nana-Great! Thanks for coming to see us!

**This is the second post of the day -- check the next post down if you are a Cubs Fan!

Labor Day

It is already Wednesday and I have not blogged about our Labor Day adventures.

Our day started early with a quick trip to Babies R Us. Even though Wyatt has only been in his convertible car seat for 18 months, he has already gotten too tall for it. Evidently it is supposed to fit kids up to 50" tall, but not so with my little boy. He must have a long torso because he has outgrown the tallest strap. I moved him into a car seat that will eventually turn into a high back booster and then just a regular booster. He seems to like it a lot, hopefully it will be the last car seat that I have to buy for him.

We then headed to one of the local malls to meet up with two of my former students. One of the girls is attending college out here and the other was up visiting her for the weekend. Is it really possible that I am old enough to have students in college? My first year students are starting to turn 21 -- wow, I feel old! (I taught them when they were in 7th and 8th grades.) Hillary and Eva it was so good to catch up with you!

After spending an hour with the girls, we met up with my parents and my aunt and uncle for lunch in the food court. We then headed out to my Great-Aunt Penny's cottage (that means she is Lily and Wyatt's great-great-aunt...crazy!). It was beautiful day to be out at Silver Lake. Evidently my family has been going out to this lake for 5 generations (Lily and Wyatt, along with my cousins kids, being the 5th generation), I think that is incredible.

Lily, of course, loved being in the water, but Wyatt wanted nothing to do with it. I was a little surprised about his hesitation because he had so much fun in the water at the campground on Friday. There were boats and Sea-Doos in this lake, so I am not sure if that was the difference or not. They did enjoy playing with all of Aunt Penny's toys, especially the barn and silo! I was able to enjoy riding on the Sea-Doo which I haven't done in about 7 years. It was nice to be alone on the water and just relax and have fun.

I don't have any pictures of our time at the lake because I forgot my camera in our rush to get out of the house. My dad took a lot of pictures, so I will have to get them from him and upload them so stay tuned...

"camping"

My sister and her family, along with my aunt and uncle are camping this week. There is usually a group of my relatives that goes camping every August (this year the group is much smaller) and we usually go and visit for a day. This stretches me a lot because it disrupts our entire routine (i.e. no naps) and it is very dirty (those of you who know me well are laughing).

We had a great time! The campground is only about 30 minutes from home, so we arrived shortly after lunch. The kids played at the playground for awhile and then it got warm so we decided to go swimming. I figured that Lily would go in the water a little bit and that Wyatt would just sit in the sand, but they both just walked right in. By the end of the afternoon, Lily was walking in up to her shoulders. Wyatt went in up to his waist, but then there was an episode of "drinking" the water so his water adventures ended for awhile. They both enjoyed playing in the sand with Casey and Aunt April (Charlie was sleeping and Jack was kayaking with the "big boys") and filling up buckets with water to pour on peoples' legs. My mom, my aunt and I put our chairs in the water and enjoyed having our legs washed while enjoying the sun.

Later, Lily "helped" Aunt April clean the corn on the cob, while Wyatt relaxed in Aunt Paulette's chair. We played some games around the picnic table and Aunt Paulette had some toys in her trailer to play with as well. Of course, the kids are following the Holwerda tradition of bouncing on the inner tubes (something my sisters, cousins and I did as kids).

Click on the picture below to see a slideshow of our day "camping".

Happy 60th Birthday, Dad!

Happy 6oth Birthday, Dad!

Today is my Dad's 60th birthday. One thing that my Dad loves doing is kayaking, so the entire family (minus Lily and Wyatt) went kayaking this morning on the Rogue River in Rockford, MI. This was the first time that I have ever been kayaking. It was very fun although my arms are really tired from having my niece and nephew take turns riding with me. All of the kids did great and I think the ice cream at the end was worth the patience of riding in a kayak or canoe for 2 hours.

A picture of Dad and Mom and a picture of the grandkids: Anna 6, Casey 3, Jack 6, Charlie 2, Noah 4

The Hayes Family took a canoe so they could all ride together. The Palmbos Family was in two separate kayaks; April always managed to avoid the pictures.

This is a picture of us getting started and a picture of me to prove that I was actually kayaking.

Everyone enjoyed ice cream after the long trip!