Am I Listening?

On Sunday I was challenged by the message from our pastor to be listening for God to speak. It was a good message and a great reminder that God does speak to us through his words and through his Spirit. I just have to remember to be open and to be listening when God does speak to me.

Even before hearing the message on Sunday I had been feeling as though God had been speaking directly to my heart. I have been praying some very specific prayers and the answers He is continually sending are so overwhelming to me! God is so good. He is so faithful. It brings me to tears often as I think about all that He has done for me.

I have also found that in this time of closeness with God I am facing battles that are from Satan. I am being stretched and challenged as a parent in ways that I have not been before. I feel like Satan is attempting to get me to give up and give in to my sinful nature. I have been spending a lot of time studying the fruits of the Spirit and the armor of God in my quiet time. It is my greatest desire to bear the fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control to those I come in contact with. Lily and Wyatt see me more than any one else and I want to be an example to them of what God calls us to be. Some days it is just so difficult! It is all about the process I suppose. Am I improving just a little bit each day? Am I seeking God when the difficulties arise? Am I praising Him in the struggles I am facing?

This morning I was also reflecting on what the past 2+ years have been like. They have not been easy, but I can see that I have gained much from all that I have gone through. There is nothing that has drawn me to a closer walk with Jesus than the struggles of being a single mom and widow. There have been moments of feeling helpless, alone, afraid, scared, and overwhelmed. There are still those moments. But in all honesty, I do not think I would change things. I am thankful for who I am becoming in Christ. I am thankful that my heart has been changed. I am thankful for the different perspective of life that I have.

God is good.

Moving Forward

I feel like I am moving forward. I am only a few days into year three, but some major things that have needed closure since Ryan's death are finally being taken care of. Moving forward is a good feeling even though it sometimes requires heartache and struggle. God has definitely used the challenges of the last 2+ years to stretch me and grow me. I am grateful for the bumps in the road because they do not allow me to grow stagnant -- they force me to press on and to rely on my heavenly Father. He is so, so good!

No Words

I have been fairly silent on the blog recently, mainly because I have no words to explain what I have been feeling. I am not sure that what I have been feeling can be understood unless you have stood in my place. I guess in a way I feel lost. I am not sure the direction God is taking my life. I am not sure what His purpose for me is. I feel like He is asking me to give up some of my dreams and just rest in Him right now.

It is hard to give up my dreams -- both big and small, but I know that the best thing is for me to be listening to His voice. I know that His ways are better than my ways, it is just not always easy to live that out. It is not always easy to die to self and live to glorify Him. But... I will. I will continue to press on. I will continue to seek God's will for my life and the lives of my children. I will continue to move forward, keeping my eyes on Jesus.

342...23...

342...

• the number of days since June 6, 2008
• the number of days since Ryan went to heaven
• the number of days I have been a widow
• the number of days my children have not had their daddy
• the number of days I have searched for a new "normal"

23...

• the number of days to June 6, 2009
• the number of days left to get through this first year

Yesterday, as I sat in the drive-thru at the bank, I was hit with reality. It was as though I realized for the first time that this is my life now. I am a widow. I am a single mom. I have to do this on my own. I don't have any other choices, because Ryan isn't coming back.

I have obviously known all of these facts for almost a year. I have grieved Ryan's death; I have grieved my new roles in life; I have grieved the dreams I have lost. I have found joy in the small things. I have peace and strength that only God can give.

I think it just hit me so hard because I have become used to it. I have found a new "normal". I have learned how to get through each day without Ryan. I have found the strength to deal with two 3 year olds. I have managed to create a life here where I am able to laugh and smile, to have hopes and dreams.

I know that those are all good things for me, yet I do not like it. I do not like this new normal. I wish Ryan was here living life with me, raising Lily and Wyatt with me.

I wonder where God will take us now. A year ago I had no idea that this would be my life today. The future is a scary thing for me, because I have no idea what lies ahead. Growing up I always knew (or thought I did) what was coming: graduation from high school and college, a teaching career, marriage, children, happily ever after... I accomplished all those goals, well almost. But now what. Where does I go from here? I am not sure what God's plans are for me future and it is scary for me. I am trying to rest peacefully in His promises for me...not an easy thing to do.

{As far as June 6, 2009 goes, I am not sure what it will look like for me. To be honest, I cannot begin to imagine what I will be feeling that day. Many of you have asked what I want to do that day or what you can do for me that day. My answer...I don't know. I cannot picture what I want that day to be. I know that I don't want it to be a day full of sadness, although I am sure there will be some tears. I am hoping to figure out a way to "celebrate" Ryan's 1st Birthday in heaven. Please be patient with me as that day approaches...my emotions have already been a mess (although I hide it most of the time). Thanks for your love, support, and understanding.}

A Bad and Good Day

Yesterday was both a bad day and a good day rolled into one.

The bad part was made up of two different things:

First, I had found a house online that is adorable! Loved the pictures; loved the neighborhood; loved the school district; loved the price. It is HUGE -- almost 1800 square feet on the main floor (that is big compared to the 1100 sq. ft. we have on 2 levels now). It is only a two bedroom, but I figured I could eventually have my dad put an egress window in the basement and build a 3rd bedroom(don't think brother and sister should share forever). Only one small problem with that....no basement. It is a brick house in Michigan with no basement....

Secondly, I was on the laptop yesterday afternoon and enjoying some lemonade. Unfortunately the stand that the computer was on had a malfunction and the lemonade spilled all over the keyboard of the laptop (yes, I am aware that you are not supposed to have beverages by computers). It started typing funny at first and then it just shut off. The Geek Squad guy at Best Buy was not very encouraging when I called to ask what to do -- his solution was to buy a new laptop. He told me I could try letting it dry out for a few days, but.... The good news is he thought they would be able to save the information (i.e. my 100's of pictures) from my hard drive.

Now for the good part of my day:

First, I took the kids to our local fair for the first time with a friend. Wyatt LOVED the tractors, but was crying and shaking around all of the different farm animals. Lily, of course, was loving everything, but limited by Wyatt not wanting to even enter the animal barns :) We ended up spending a lot of time climbing on tractors! :) It is always fun to try new things, even if they aren't a complete success.

Second, I had a great time last night with the girls! They came over and we had some girl time with NO kids -- yeah. I am continue to be so grateful to God for the wonderful people he has put into my life. Thanks, Girls!

Two Months

Today it has been two months since Ryan died. It still hurts each day, sometimes more than others. I wish there was a way to stop time, but life continues on. Lily and Wyatt continue to grow up and learn to do new things that Ryan won't see -- I think that is the hardest thing about life going on.

Yesterday we went to the cemetery. I have only taken the kids one other time. They were so cute. They "helped" me tend to the flowers and then they just ran and laughed "by Daddy". I am sure that it would make Ryan smile.

God has continued to provide for us in unbelievable ways:

Financially:

• Ryan's life insurance check came (on our 5 year anniversary).
• Because of the life insurance: I have been able to pay off all debt; get us a new van that is much more suitable for the kids and I, as well as taking Nana and Papa and all of our visitors with us; and set up a trust fund to meet all the needs of Lily, Wyatt and myself for the future.
• The generous gifts of our friends and family are being set up into a college fund for Lily and Wyatt.
• Social Security benefits have been established for the kids and I allowing me to stay at home with Lily and Wyatt -- something that Ryan and I had desired before we ever had the twins.

Emotionally:

• Friends and family continue to support us, love us, and take care of us.
• We have had TONS of visitors, making the summer go fast.
• People who gone through grief have come into my life to help me walk this road.

As we continue to walk this road, we still need a lot of prayers. The kids do not understand why they can't go visit Daddy. This morning Lily started crying when I said that we couldn't go see Daddy. I struggle with being a single mom and making the right choices about parenting (a daunting task with two parents). Thanks for loving us through our sadness!

Celebrating Ryan in Illinois

We journeyed to Illinois this past weekend to celebrate Ryan's life with our family and friends. I thought it would be a good way to honor Ryan's life as he spent so much of it in Illinois (the first 25 years). I was blessed to see so many familiar faces from our life in Illinois and to meet so many people who were part of Ryan's life growing up. I really appreciate all of you who took the time to share memories of Ryan with me both during the service and afterwards. Words cannot begin to describe the treasure that they are to me and will one day be to Lily and Wyatt.

I want to say a few special thank yous: to Ryan's mentor, Jon, who did a beautiful job leading a service that was a great picture of who Ryan was; to the Evangelical Free Church of Crystal Lake, who put together such a lovely service and luncheon for our family; to all of the doctors, nurses, and RT's who came to the different services; to my family who supported me during both services; to my friends who traveled to be with me, whether in Michigan or Illinois or both.

While I know that Ryan would be blessed by our celebration of his life in Illinois, I must admit that it was so difficult to be there without him. It was the first time that I had been in Illinois without Ryan in over 6 years. It was hard for me to drive down Randall Road and travel past all of the places that were special to us in the first few years of our relationship. I was sad as I passed the street to turn for our first house. I also thought about how much Ryan would have loved the drive on Randall Rd..."capitalism at its best" was his favorite way to describe the corn fields that had turned to shopping centers.

It is hard to see where life will go from here. We moved back into the townhouse today and now life will really return to normal...a new normal where I have no idea what to expect. I know that God will continue to bless us in so many ways as he has done to this point; it remains a matter of trust and faith in his love for me and Lily and Wyatt. Thank you for your prayers to this point and please continue to pray for us as we begin another new chapter.



I hope that you enjoy the pictures. Some are from this past weekend as we spent time with our family in Illinois. Other pictures are from both Father's Day and a family birthday party here in Michigan.

One Week

It has been one week since Ryan died. It has been a whirlwind of a week with coming home from U of M, planning a Celebration of Life service, and adjusting to "mommyhood" again. I have been so busy that I don't think reality has set in yet.

There are moments when I miss Ryan so much. It is always the little things. Enjoying a dinner that someone brought over and thinking "I should get the recipe, Ryan would love this." Tim Russert dying and thinking "I should call Ryan, he would want to know this." Lily and Wyatt seeing the letter "T" and saying Daddy because Daddy wears ties. Praying with our small group and Ryan not being there.

I miss him in the big things too. As I think about what the future holds for Lily, Wyatt and me it is hard for me to picture what it is going to look like without Ryan. I don't think I ever thought about him not receiving his new lungs; I knew that we would probably not "grow old together", but it was still supposed to be after several more years of marriage. Titles like "widow" and "single mom" are not ways I thought of myself.

There are so many things I need to do: get health insurance, figure out what exactly to do with his life insurance, decide if I need to start looking for a job. The list seems to get longer and longer and as I add things to it it gets more and more overwhelming.

I know that I need to trust God to get me through each of the days ahead just as I was trusting him while we were in Ann Arbor. God has been so faithful to me even if he didn't answer my prayers in ways I would have liked. He has healed my husband and he has blessed me with two beautiful children. He has sustained my strength and surrounded me with people who love me. I know that God will be with me and we will get through this all one day at a time.