a day at the beach...

My friend, Nikki, took all of these pictures! Thanks, Nikki! :)

No Words

I have been fairly silent on the blog recently, mainly because I have no words to explain what I have been feeling. I am not sure that what I have been feeling can be understood unless you have stood in my place. I guess in a way I feel lost. I am not sure the direction God is taking my life. I am not sure what His purpose for me is. I feel like He is asking me to give up some of my dreams and just rest in Him right now.

It is hard to give up my dreams -- both big and small, but I know that the best thing is for me to be listening to His voice. I know that His ways are better than my ways, it is just not always easy to live that out. It is not always easy to die to self and live to glorify Him. But... I will. I will continue to press on. I will continue to seek God's will for my life and the lives of my children. I will continue to move forward, keeping my eyes on Jesus.

July 2009 -- In Pictures

We are already half way through July and I really haven't posted any pictures on the blog to show what we have done, mainly because we have been busy!

Month in Review:

I started the month with a visit to Val's for her bridal shower! It was so nice to be able to celebrate with her and to get a 24 hour mini-vacation!

We went to the 4th of July parade that I have gone to since I was child...it is not what it used to be, but Lily and Wyatt enjoyed it.

We had a visit from Auntie Val and Dave. It was the first time Lily and Wyatt have met Dave and I am happy to report that they have "approved"! :)

We traveled to Navy Pier in Chicago to celebrate Grandma-Great's birthday with all of Ryan's family. It was a whirlwind trip, but it was wonderful to surprise Grandma!

We have spent a day at the beach with friend! (no pictures of that...sorry!)

Not Complete Quite Yet...

Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6

God has been working on me recently. He has been convicting me of a sin area in my life that I have always struggled with, the sin of having a quick temper. As you might guess, the combination of a quick temper and two 3 year olds does not go well together. I would often lose my temper and end up yelling at Lily and Wyatt as a method of "discipline". Yelling at them did nothing but make them cry and often I would end up crying as well. The look on their precious faces would pierce my heart and make me regret my anger.

I love Lily and Wyatt. If I am quickly losing my temper with my children, am I truly loving them the way that God has called me to love them? 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8a describes love this way:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

In my sin I was not loving my children as God loves me; I was not reflecting the love of my heavenly Father to my children. I realized a few weeks ago that I needed to HATE my sin so that I could allow God to work in me to overcome my sin. It has since been my prayer DAILY, that God would fill me with His Spirit, allowing me to be the mom that He has created me to be; that God would allow Lily and Wyatt to feel loved by me; that I would discipline them out of love and patience and not out of anger and frustration.

I can feel God working in my heart and in our home. I am by no means a perfect mom. I still have moments when my quick temper takes over. But I must give God the glory for changing my heart; for giving me the patience and the ability to take a deep breath before dealing with a temper tantrum; for helping me become a better mom. I am confident that God, who began a good work in me, will carry it on to completion.

6 Years Ago

6 years ago today, Ryan and I began our life as husband and wife.

I miss my husband today.

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

**This is the slideshow I created last year. Please remember to turn off the blog music.

Year Two

I have been in year two without Ryan for a few weeks. I knew that things would not immediately change after the first year was over. I don't have to face as many firsts, but my overall situation has not been altered.

Just before June 6, I was reading about year two on a widows website and I learned that year two is actually harder for many people --fabulous! The first year is filled with decision making, numbness, anticipation of firsts, etc. The second year is REALITY. Reality is that I have found a routine. I have found a new normal. But, I still don't like it! I still hate the feeling of loneliness that is never far away and is at times suffocating. I still hate the fact that dinner time is almost always just the three of us. I still hate that when my alarm goes off each morning I have to remember what day it is and try to find something to look forward to about that day.

My prayer over the last few weeks has been that God would fill me with contentment and peace. He has me walking this path for a reason, but I am struggling to be okay with it. I want things to be different. I don't want to feel grief so much any more.

Some of you have noticed a change in my attitude. I suspect that this is what you are seeing. It is so hard for me to actually give voice to what I am feeling, so please forgive me for not being me. Please pray that God once again fills me with His peace and contentment as He did so often in year one. I know that I will make it through year two by God's grace and strength!