A Heart of Worship

Life does not goes as planned. That is a fact that I have learned all to well over the last three years. There are so many times when I wish that things would go the way that I want them to and that "my" plans would work out. There are so many times when I wish that I knew what God was up to.

I know that God knows best and I know that His plan is better than mine. I know that God can see the big picture and that I can only see a tiny speck of that picture. I have been reminded by some wonderful friends over the last few weeks that God is enough. And that God sees it all. They have encouraged me to keep my mind focused on the things above -- when I do it helps so much!

Each time I have been discouraged lately I have been trying to have a heart of worship. I have been reciting Zephaniah 3:17 over and over in my head...turning up praise and worship music really loud doesn't hurt either! :)

The Lord your God is with you,

He is mighty to save.

He will take great delight in you,

He will quiet you with his love,

He will rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3:17

Lessons from a Tomato Plant

My tomato plant looks TERRIBLE! The leaves are all yellow, brown and shriveling up. The stems seem to be sagging. It just looks weary.

But it is still bearing fruit.

I have felt like my life has kind of been reflected by my tomato plant lately. Yes, I realize that sounds really odd, but each morning when I go out to water my plant I just think it looks the way that I feel. I have been feeling worn out and tired over the last few days and weeks. The kids have been more challenging and needing me to be consistent in disciple. They have both had colds and have not been sleeping well, which leads to mom not sleeping well. I have really felt the "burden" of being the only parent. I have just felt weary.

God continues to teach me about his goodness and faithfulness in these difficult times. He continues to give me the strength to get through each day -- His strength has been the ONLY explanation lately. He has blessed me with people who are: praying for me, with people who have come over to help out with some of the daily routines, and with my parents taking the kids for a few hours so I could just have some time to do what I needed to do.

It is my hope and my prayer that each day as I seek God and get filled from His word I will still be able to bear His fruit in my weariness.

Lately...

I have wondered if I had the strength to persevere through this season of my life. I have wondered how long this would have to go on (two years seems like a really long time). I have wondered when this is going to get easier, when things are going to FEEL different, when things are going to BE different. I have begged God to change things. I have asked Him to give me strength.

Yet, I have not been allowing Him to work in me. I ask for His strength, but then I try to stand on my own. I have not allowed Him to continue refining me, transforming me because I have not wanted to feel more hurt. I have been shutting out God's strength, peace, and comfort; I have been shutting out the people God has placed in my life to encourage me and help me.

In resisting God's work I have only felt more pain. I have felt alone, tired, discouraged, weary.

Today I am reminded (again) that God uses trials, challenges, difficulties, and hurts to transform me to be more like Christ. These struggles through life are the things that develop character, that teach me to bear fruit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, and self-control. Really, what more could I want? Yes, in my human, selfish nature, I want a perfect life right here, right now on this earth. But, in reality, this life is temporary (and it is perfect for NO ONE). It is brief. And then, there is eternity.

Today I will stop trying to stand in my own strength. Today I will go back to RESTING in God's strength. Today I will choose to persevere. Today I will choose to allow God to continue transforming me, so that He is glorified.

it wasn't meant to be this way

I have been struggling on so many levels lately.

The lonliness of the being a widow and single mom is still overwhelming.

I am constantly searching for what God has in store for me. In some ways, I feel like life has been at a stand still since Ryan died. I want to move forward in God's plan for me, but I don't know where forward is or what it looks like.

I am weary. The daily routines are wearing me down. Being consistent in discipline and intentional with my children is tiring.

I am also struggling with issues that others are having to face. There seems to be so much hurt and pain happening all around me over the past few weeks. Family and friends have had to hear difficult news and seek God's strength, peace, and wisdom. The world has watched as Haiti has faced devastation from major earthquakes with thousands feared dead.

As I hear about these tragedies and as I continue to face life as a widow and single mom, I can't help but think about how life wasn't meant to be this way. Sin has entered this world and because of it we all face sadness, sickness, natural disasters, struggles, and death. I am reminded that this world is not my home -- I am desperately longing for Jesus' return.

a message of hope...

**remember to turn the music off on the side of the blog.

18 Months

So much changes in 18 months:

When Ryan died, Lily and Wyatt were 2 years, 2 months, and 3 days old; today they are 3 years, 8 months, and 3 days old.

When Ryan died, Lily and Wyatt were wearing diapers; now they are potty trained.

When Ryan died, Lily and Wyatt were too young to play outside without me; today, I bundled them up and sent them into the backyard to explore and play independently in the snow.

When Ryan died, Lily and Wyatt depended on me to get them up out of their cribs each morning; now they sleep in big kid beds, they wake up and search for me each morning.

When Ryan died, Lily and Wyatt needed me to get them dressed from head to toe each day; now they are choosing their clothes and getting themselves dressed most of the way.

It is so hard for me to believe that it has been 18 months since Ryan died. It continues to seem like it was only a month ago and years ago all at the same time. While there are parts of life that definitely seem to be getting easier, there are still days when I am not sure how to keep pressing on. I am tired: mentally, emotionally, and physically. Tired of parenting by myself. Tired of making all of the decisions. Tired of the ever-present loneliness.

Today I am seeking God for strength, for patience, for joy, and for hope -- to get me through today, to get me through the next 18 months, just as He has done each and every day of the last 18 months.

H * O * P * E

Hope...where do I find it? These words keep running through my head as I tried to determine what to share about HOPE.

My hope is built on nothing less

Than Jesus' blood and righteousness

I dare not trust the sweetest frame

But wholly lean on Jesus' Name

~ 1st verse of "On Christ the Solid Rock I Stand"

If someone had asked me where I find hope 2 years ago I am not sure exactly what I would have said, but I am confident that the answer would not be the same that it is today. After losing Ryan my perspectives on life were changed. The things of this world no longer matter quite as much as they once did. Life is no longer about the here and now. It is about eternity. It is about my relationship with my Savior. It is about trusting in the promises of God and living my life for Him.

I am still hopeful about the things in my life right now: Lily and Wyatt, relationships, the future. But my HOPE is located in Jesus and in knowing that one day I will live forever in heaven and in knowing that one day I will see Ryan again.