Am I Listening?

On Sunday I was challenged by the message from our pastor to be listening for God to speak. It was a good message and a great reminder that God does speak to us through his words and through his Spirit. I just have to remember to be open and to be listening when God does speak to me.

Even before hearing the message on Sunday I had been feeling as though God had been speaking directly to my heart. I have been praying some very specific prayers and the answers He is continually sending are so overwhelming to me! God is so good. He is so faithful. It brings me to tears often as I think about all that He has done for me.

I have also found that in this time of closeness with God I am facing battles that are from Satan. I am being stretched and challenged as a parent in ways that I have not been before. I feel like Satan is attempting to get me to give up and give in to my sinful nature. I have been spending a lot of time studying the fruits of the Spirit and the armor of God in my quiet time. It is my greatest desire to bear the fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control to those I come in contact with. Lily and Wyatt see me more than any one else and I want to be an example to them of what God calls us to be. Some days it is just so difficult! It is all about the process I suppose. Am I improving just a little bit each day? Am I seeking God when the difficulties arise? Am I praising Him in the struggles I am facing?

This morning I was also reflecting on what the past 2+ years have been like. They have not been easy, but I can see that I have gained much from all that I have gone through. There is nothing that has drawn me to a closer walk with Jesus than the struggles of being a single mom and widow. There have been moments of feeling helpless, alone, afraid, scared, and overwhelmed. There are still those moments. But in all honesty, I do not think I would change things. I am thankful for who I am becoming in Christ. I am thankful that my heart has been changed. I am thankful for the different perspective of life that I have.

God is good.

Abundantly Blessed

I have been feeling so grateful lately. God has again opened my eyes to all of the blessing that I have in my life. I am filled with JOY at all that he is doing around me.


Here are just some of the things I am thankful for today:

• Two healthy, happy children who enjoy playing together
• Two different but fun jobs
• Friends who make me laugh
• Those who are willing to listen and encourage me
• Situations in life that bring me hope
• God answering some very specific prayers
• Having the ability to exercise and take care of myself
• God's protection in the storms last night
• Sunshine
• A new driveway
• God drawing me closer to him
• The thoughtfulness of others on Father's Day
• Ice Cream :)
• God at work in the lives of those around me

I am sure that I could list things all day and I would still miss some of the blessings that are surrounding me. I am just in awe of what God is doing. He is so good!

Moving Forward

I feel like I am moving forward. I am only a few days into year three, but some major things that have needed closure since Ryan's death are finally being taken care of. Moving forward is a good feeling even though it sometimes requires heartache and struggle. God has definitely used the challenges of the last 2+ years to stretch me and grow me. I am grateful for the bumps in the road because they do not allow me to grow stagnant -- they force me to press on and to rely on my heavenly Father. He is so, so good!

Chicago -- Ryan Style

Here is a video montage of our weekend in Chicago remembering Ryan on his 2nd Heaven Birthday. The music playing is the theme song from West Wing -- Ryan's favorite tv show.

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Two Years with Jesus

Two years with Jesus in such different ways:
It has been two years since Ryan was called home to Jesus.
It has been two years of relying on Jesus alone to get through each day.

Ryan is spending eternity in the presence of the King.
He is breathing free.
He experiences no pain, no suffering, no sorrow, no sadness.
He has received the reward of his heavenly crown.
He no longer has to be concerned with the daily grind of life.
He is not stressed about finances, work, the stock market, or the Cubs.
He is healthy and happy.

Two years with Jesus has been much different for me.
I have longed to be in the presence of my King.
I have worried about having the strength to get through each day.
My days have been a mixtures of sadness and joy.
I have felt pain, suffering, and sorrow.

Even though the past two years have not been easy, I know that Jesus has been with me. He is the reason that I have made it through the last 730 days. Even though there is pain and heartache in my life, there is much joy as well. Jesus has blessed me with two beautiful children -- two wonderful reminders of their daddy. He has blessed me with caring family and friends. He has provided for all of our needs. He will continue to help me get through each day of this next year just as he has helped me get through each day of the last two years.

thoughts on the second year

When I was originally told that the second year of grief is often harder than the first, it was hard to imagine – but it is so true. In the first year after Ryan died I was able to “function”. I was able to communicate the grief I was feeling. I was able to work through a lot of the feelings I had and it seemed like I was taking the “normal” path of grief. I felt like I was able to share my feelings and not be judged. It seemed okay for me to wear my heart on my sleeve.

I have found that in the course of this second year I have struggled more with expressing myself. I have struggled to figure out where I fit in. I am not longer married but I am not single. I feel like I can’t relate and it often leaves me feeling lost and alone. I find myself shutting down and shutting people out. Sometimes people see it as me being “stand-off-ish” but that is not it and I don’t mean for it to seem that way. I have guarded my heart more carefully, not wanting to feel the hurt that others can cause. I have not wanted to show how much my heart is broken. Some days the pain is so great I don’t have the words to express what I am feeling. I don’t want to cry and I don’t want to see pity in other people’s eyes when I tell them that I am weary and overwhelmed. I don’t want to seem like I am constantly complaining about loneliness. I don’t want to be a burden to other people. Everyone has something that they are dealing with, I don’t want it to seem that I feel my struggles are bigger than theirs – it has become easier just not to share the hurt instead of always feeling selfish.

It feels like life has become about survival. I get up each day because I have to. I have responsibilities that I must meet. Lily and Wyatt need me. I need to do the jobs that God has placed in my life (which I am grateful for). But each day is just a routine. It is something that I need to get through so that I can get back into to bed each night. I want something more. I am seeking God for what that something is, but I am struggling to be patient in my waiting for Him to reveal what His purpose is for me.

The grief is different now too. Of course I still miss Ryan, but I miss also miss more. I miss the life we used to have. I miss being a wife. I miss being appreciated for the things that I do. I miss preparing meals for someone who likes more that pb & j. I miss packing lunches. I miss having a friend in my house each night. I miss dreaming. I miss talking and confiding in someone who loves me unconditionally. There are many times that my tears and heartache are for what my children are missing. I hear all the time about the importance of a daddy’s influence in the lives of sons and daughters. Each time I hear it brought up it takes my breath away. It causes me to worry about how the events of the past two years will shape their lives. I worry that I am not doing enough to mold them into godly children and that they are missing out on more that I could ever give them.

The second year of grief has been difficult. It has hurt. I am hopeful that the third year will be a better year – mentally, emotionally, physically…

How He Loves Us

This is one of my favorite songs right now -- enjoy!