today.

today it has been 2 years, 2 months and 3 days since ryan died.

today lily and wyatt are 4 years, 4 months and 6 days old.

today lily and wyatt have lived an equal amount of time with their daddy on earth and with their daddy in heaven.

i am not quite sure why i figured out the day that lily and wyatt would reach this point -- i figured it out a long time ago.

i have been dreading this day, knowing that from this day forward the majority of their lives would be spent without their daddy.

it breaks my heart to know all that they are missing out on.

Chicago -- Ryan Style

Here is a video montage of our weekend in Chicago remembering Ryan on his 2nd Heaven Birthday. The music playing is the theme song from West Wing -- Ryan's favorite tv show.

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Two Years with Jesus

Two years with Jesus in such different ways:
It has been two years since Ryan was called home to Jesus.
It has been two years of relying on Jesus alone to get through each day.

Ryan is spending eternity in the presence of the King.
He is breathing free.
He experiences no pain, no suffering, no sorrow, no sadness.
He has received the reward of his heavenly crown.
He no longer has to be concerned with the daily grind of life.
He is not stressed about finances, work, the stock market, or the Cubs.
He is healthy and happy.

Two years with Jesus has been much different for me.
I have longed to be in the presence of my King.
I have worried about having the strength to get through each day.
My days have been a mixtures of sadness and joy.
I have felt pain, suffering, and sorrow.

Even though the past two years have not been easy, I know that Jesus has been with me. He is the reason that I have made it through the last 730 days. Even though there is pain and heartache in my life, there is much joy as well. Jesus has blessed me with two beautiful children -- two wonderful reminders of their daddy. He has blessed me with caring family and friends. He has provided for all of our needs. He will continue to help me get through each day of this next year just as he has helped me get through each day of the last two years.

thoughts on the second year

When I was originally told that the second year of grief is often harder than the first, it was hard to imagine – but it is so true. In the first year after Ryan died I was able to “function”. I was able to communicate the grief I was feeling. I was able to work through a lot of the feelings I had and it seemed like I was taking the “normal” path of grief. I felt like I was able to share my feelings and not be judged. It seemed okay for me to wear my heart on my sleeve.

I have found that in the course of this second year I have struggled more with expressing myself. I have struggled to figure out where I fit in. I am not longer married but I am not single. I feel like I can’t relate and it often leaves me feeling lost and alone. I find myself shutting down and shutting people out. Sometimes people see it as me being “stand-off-ish” but that is not it and I don’t mean for it to seem that way. I have guarded my heart more carefully, not wanting to feel the hurt that others can cause. I have not wanted to show how much my heart is broken. Some days the pain is so great I don’t have the words to express what I am feeling. I don’t want to cry and I don’t want to see pity in other people’s eyes when I tell them that I am weary and overwhelmed. I don’t want to seem like I am constantly complaining about loneliness. I don’t want to be a burden to other people. Everyone has something that they are dealing with, I don’t want it to seem that I feel my struggles are bigger than theirs – it has become easier just not to share the hurt instead of always feeling selfish.

It feels like life has become about survival. I get up each day because I have to. I have responsibilities that I must meet. Lily and Wyatt need me. I need to do the jobs that God has placed in my life (which I am grateful for). But each day is just a routine. It is something that I need to get through so that I can get back into to bed each night. I want something more. I am seeking God for what that something is, but I am struggling to be patient in my waiting for Him to reveal what His purpose is for me.

The grief is different now too. Of course I still miss Ryan, but I miss also miss more. I miss the life we used to have. I miss being a wife. I miss being appreciated for the things that I do. I miss preparing meals for someone who likes more that pb & j. I miss packing lunches. I miss having a friend in my house each night. I miss dreaming. I miss talking and confiding in someone who loves me unconditionally. There are many times that my tears and heartache are for what my children are missing. I hear all the time about the importance of a daddy’s influence in the lives of sons and daughters. Each time I hear it brought up it takes my breath away. It causes me to worry about how the events of the past two years will shape their lives. I worry that I am not doing enough to mold them into godly children and that they are missing out on more that I could ever give them.

The second year of grief has been difficult. It has hurt. I am hopeful that the third year will be a better year – mentally, emotionally, physically…

Catching Up Again

I feel like there is so much to catch up on and at the same time I feel like I have nothing to write. Life continues to be really busy -- good busy, but busy all the same. I am really enjoying my job, I love the quiet of the office and the change of pace that it provides. I am thankful that it is only one day a week because even during that one day I miss my kiddos. :)

We have been changing some things up here at the house. We just finished 4 days of chaos after having all three bedroom floors refinished. They look FABULOUS! It was necessary because termites had eaten some of my floor (fun, fun) and there were some boards with water damage that needed to be replaced in Wyatt's room. And hey, if you are doing two rooms, why not do all three. :) We have also done some rearranging around the house. The office has been officially turned into a guest room. I purchased a full size bed so that people will be more comfortable staying in there. The crib is also set up in there to help the little girl I babysit sleep more comfortably. It works well, because I often have friends visiting with Illinois and they have a one year old (can't wait to see you guys TOMORROW!!!!). I will have to get pictures up soon. The double bed lead to us having an "extra" twin bed which has become Lily's bed. Wyatt has the bunk beds in his room that were Lily and Wyatt first big kid beds. Needless to say, there has been a lot of change happening around here...hopefully I will get pics up soon.

This weekend we are having 7 out of town visitors coming to join us in the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation Great Strides walk. I am excited to be walking to help find a cure for this terrible disease. The shirt turned out great, so hopefully we will get some fun pictures of the team in them this weekend. It will be crazy busy with all the visitors, but it will be fun.

Mother's Day has come and gone and I am thankful. It was a difficult day, actually the days leading up to it were more difficult. I am not sure if that makes sense to most people because Mother's Day is about being a mother. I have two wonderful, adorable, precious children and I am thankful for them. But Mother's Day is made special by the daddy to those children. Four year olds don't understand Mother's Day. They don't realize that the day is any different. They don't drive to the store to buy your a card or flowers or a gift. Ryan always did his best to make me feel special on Mother's Day and I really missed that this year (last year we were on a plane on our way home from Disney so it didn't hit as close to home). It was just another reminder of all that we are missing.

It is so hard to believe that in a couple weeks it will have been two years since Ryan died. I continue to struggle with how that is possible. It still seems like yesterday and it also seems like it was a million years ago....

Whose Face Do You See?

Cystic Fibrosis -- I lived in ignorance for most of my life about this awful disease. I didn't know what cystic fibrosis was before 2001, I don't know that I had even heard of it before then. I had no idea that:

"Approximately 30,000 children and adults in the United States have cystic fibrosis. An additional ten million more—or about one in every 31 Americans—are carriers of the defective CF gene, but do not have the disease. CF is most common in Caucasians, but it can affect all races."

If you had asked me what the symptoms of CF were, I could not have told you that the most common are:

• Very salty-tasting skin
• Persistent coughing, at times with phlegm
• Frequent lung infections, like pneumonia or bronchitis
• Wheezing or shortness of breath
• Poor growth/weight gain in spite of a good appetite
• Frequent greasy, bulky stools or difficulty in bowel movements
• Small, fleshy growths in the nose called nasal polyps

I had no idea that my life and the lives of my children would forever be changed by this disease...

Yet, when I think of cystic fibrosis I don't see a disease, I see a face, a person. I see the face of my husband. I see the face of Lily and Wyatt's daddy. I see the face of the person that I miss each an every day because this disease does not have a cure. I see Ryan.

I hear stories and read blogs about people with cystic fibrosis. Some stories are sad, difficult, and depressing. Some stories are happy, heartfelt, and exciting. Almost all stories have something positive to share. You see the thing about cystic fibrosis is that it seems to bring out the best in people. All of the people I have know with CF are positive about life. They see the glass as half-full. They are determined. They are fighters. They are unwilling to give up until the last option has been tried. They don't want you to feel sorry for them, they want you to see them as a person who has an illness, but is not defined by the illness.


Whose face do I see when I think about cystic fibrosis? I see my husband, who fought until the very end against this disease. Whose face do you see when you think about cystic fibrosis?

Please join me in fighting this terrible disease. Please join my team, Sweeney Striders, in taking a stand against this disease that takes lives every day, but not before those lives can make a difference. My personal goal for Great Strides is $1,000. I need 10 more people who are willing to partner with me at $10 a piece to help me reach my goal.

Facts about CF listed in the post can be found here.

Update: T-Shirts for CF

**Updated: I have seen the blue color that was an option and I don't care for it. I am going to go with a LIME GREEN COLOR for the shirts. **

I am having t-shirts made for my Great Strides team to wear on the day of our walk. I am also going to offer the opportunity for any one else to purchase a t-shirt with the proceeds going to support the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation.

"The mission of the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation, a nonprofit donor-supported organization, is to assure the development of the means to cure and control cystic fibrosis and to improve the quality of life for those with the disease."

---------------------------------

The t-shirt will be a **LIME green color and the design will be:

Front (small print to the upper left):

Sweeney Striders

Back (centered):

In Memory of
Ryan Sweeney
March 2, 1981- June 6, 2008
I have fought the good fight,
I have finished the race,
I have kept the faith.
2 Timoty 4:7

The cost of the shirts will be $10 for those who are looking to purchase one, $2 will be given to CFF. There will be a shipping cost if you do not live near me. Please let me know as soon as possible if you would like a shirt and the size you want. You can leave a comment on this post or you can find my email under my profile on the blog.

March 23

I went to bed last night and my mind began to wander. All of a sudden I was hit with the thought that "tomorrow is March 23". Then I began to realize that the last night Ryan and I slept in the same bed was March 22, 2008.

It has been two years since I have had my husband sleeping next to me. Two years since I was woken up by him telling me he needed to go to the emergency room. Two years since my once normal life was turned upside-down...

two year stretch

two years since it all began.

it is so hard to believe that it has already been two years since things started to go downhill. friday was the two year mark of ryan's unexpected hospitalization because he was too sick to have his heart cath done (not when he went on the ventilator).

i can still shut my eyes and see so many of those moments clearly. the walk down to the er. the tiny little room where we had to wait for hours to be admitted. the drive to meijer to get some clothes for our unexpected stay. the dark hotel room i had to sleep in by myself. the first visits to the cafeteria at u of m. the phone calls i had to make.

it was two years ago today that our family and friends moved us from our two bedroom townhouse to our three bedroom one so that life would be a little easier for ryan at home. it was a "home" that ryan only got to live in for 5 short days.

in a few short days, it will be two years since ryan left for the hospital to never come home again.

two years ago, lily and wyatt were not even 2 yet. they have spent almost half of their little lives without their daddy. it seems so unfair.

yesterday we were in lily's room and wyatt looked at her picture of ryan and said, "i miss daddy." it broke my heart. i miss daddy too!

i miss his laughter.
i miss his smile.
i miss his hugs.
i miss holding his hand.
i miss his voice.
i miss hearing him play with lily and wyatt.
i miss the sound of him breathing beside me each night.
i miss his encouragement.
i miss helping him with his treatments.
i miss watching tv shows with him.
i miss his explanations of all things political.
i miss sitting next to him in church.
i miss eating dinner with him.
i miss packing his lunch each day.
i miss helping him pick just the right tie for work.
i miss nagging him to pick up his stuff around the house.

even though it has been two years since it all "began" it still hurts. it seems to be hurting more lately than it has in awhile. maybe it is because all the memories. maybe it is because of the fact that life keeps moving forward and ryan isn't in it. whatever the reason, it hurts.

Celebrating Ryan

** Thank you so much for all the kind words, prayers, thoughts, emails and comments yesterday. You all made Ryan's birthday special to the kids and I! **

Here are pictures of our birthday celebrations today. We sent Daddy balloons twice. The first time it was just the kids and I. The second time my friend, Nikki, came so that she could capture some pictures for us. While we were waiting for her to get there we made a snowman for Daddy! I enjoyed lunch with friends at Qdoba -- my favorite! They also got me a bouquet of a dozen "roses" which were actually some FABULOUS chocolate covered strawberries. And the kids enjoyed cupcakes from a local bakery. We are still planning to go out to dinner with my mom to Texas Roadhouse -- I don't like steak, but it was a favorite for Ryan so I picked steak place for his birthday.

Happy Birthday, Daddy!

** remember to turn off the music on the blog to be able to hear the kids **

Happy 29th Birthday, Ryan!

Today would have been Ryan's 29th birthday. I am not sure what we would have done as a family if he were still here -- his favorite dinner, a few presents, quality time with the kids would probably have been at the top of the list.

Instead, we will do little things to celebrate the life of a wonderful husband and daddy. We are hoping to get balloons to send to him and to have cupcakes in honor of him. I am also going out for lunch with some girlfriends while the kids play at my sister's and all three of us are going to dinner tonight with my mom.

an emotional week

It is going to be an emotional week, it already has been an emotional week.

On Monday, my sister, April's, father-in-law passed away. While it was not completely unexpected, it seemed to be sudden. Jim was a godly man; he is in heaven rejoicing now, free from the pain of this world. I asked Casey yesterday if she thought Grandpa Jim was in heaven telling Uncle Ryan all about how we were doing and all about Jessie (who was born after Ryan died), she got a big grin on her face and said "yup". Please be in prayer for April, Steve, Jack, Casey, Charlie, Jessie, and all of Steve's family as they are grieving the loss of a dad, husband, and grandpa.

For me, all the emotions come flooding back as I stop to think about his wife and all that she is facing. The ache and loneliness of living life alone. The nights lying in bed and not hearing the steady breath of her husband sleeping next to her. The lack of companionship at dinner each night. My heart is so broken for her! I know that it will be hard to be at the visitation and funeral later this week. It just brings back so many memories! My heart hurts for those who loved him most.

Ryan's birthday is also coming. The anticipation of Disney has helped to process through some of the sadness, but as March 2nd moves closer, my heart aches to celebrate Ryan's 29th birthday with him. I am sure that he would LOVE teasing me about the fact that I am in my 30's and he is still in his 20's.

An update on the kids (by request):

• Both kids seem to be feeling much better. The coughs and runny noses are pretty much gone -- yay!
• They have both given up naps for the most part, although they still get rest time each day to help restore my strength (and sanity) to make it through until bedtime.
• They are super excited about Disney. They will dance around the house singing "we're going to Disney!" and they tell everyone (including strangers) that we are leaving in a couple weeks.
• I realized yesterday how big they are getting when I was watching my niece, Jessie. She was standing on the floor looking up and me and she was so far away! I can't believe how tall the kids are getting -- especially Wyatt. He is starting to need 5T pants for the length!
• They continue to love going to AWANA Cubbies and learning their bible memory verses.

I will try to get some pictures up later this week, I don't think I have taken any in over a month! Thanks for your prayers for my sister's family and for me as we journey through this emotional week.

what's going on

So many things are going on right now, I just never take the time to sit down and blog anymore. Most of my spare time was being wasted on Facebook, so I have decided to give it up for Lent (if you are reading this on FB it is because my blog is automatically uploaded there). It was distracting me from much more important things in my life. I decided that I needed to stop wasting my time and refocus on the areas of my life God wants me to be working on -- mainly my relationship with Him and my relationships with Lily and Wyatt.

Winter has been difficult for me both mentally and emotionally. I have been stuck in a pit of sadness, loneliness, and self-pity. I need a change of pace! I have been looking for an opportunity to get away, to find some sunshine, and to create some new memories with Lily and Wyatt. So, we are getting ready for another vacation to Disney in just a couple of weeks. Our friend (and awesome babysitter), Erin, will be joining us because there was no way I was going to tackle flying and vacationing at Disney World with two three year olds by myself! We will spend three full days in the parks and I am super excited to be able to do even more with the kids than we did last year.

I am also really excited about the opportunity to raise awareness and funds for Cystic Fibrosis through Great Strides. I have officially restarted the "Sweeney Striders" team for this year's walk in Grand Rapids. I have been overwhelmed by the amount of support that I have already received from people joining me in the walk and from the donations given (if you are interested in joining me on the walk or in sponsoring me click here). I have plans in the works (well, just in my head right now) for t-shirts for the Sweeney Striders that will set us apart from other teams as well as honor Ryan's life!

Lily and Wyatt are doing fairly well, other than the colds, coughs, and fevers (Lily) they have been fighting. It is so hard to believe that in a few weeks they will be turning 4! I am ready to be done with "3" and all of its challenges, but I am not ready for them to be heading to school. If only there was a slow motion button on life!

And lastly, here is a video of one of my favorite songs right now, "Unredeemed" by Selah. I love the message that it sends, a message of hope in the promises God has made to redeem the things of this world that hurt so much. It is a great reminder to me that God sees and knows the pain in my heart, especially as Ryan's birthday approaches.

Looking Back

Since I wrote my post reviewing 2009, I have also been thinking about the past decade. So much has changed in the last 10 years and I thought it might be interesting to highlight some of the major events that have occurred in that time.

• 2000: Finished my junior year of college and began my senior year at Trinity Christian College in Palos Heights, IL. I worked at Steelcase for the last time as summer help. I had knee surgery in December.
• 2001: I did my student teaching at Southwest Chicago Christian School -- Tinley Park (6th grade) and Chicago Ridge Public School (4th grade). I graduated college with a B.A. in elementary education. I spent the summer back in Michigan working at Gap and babysitting before moving to Illinois. I began working at Westminster Christian School (WCS) teaching 7th and 8th grade math, 8th grade bible, and a computer elective. I also met Ryan.
• 2002: Ryan and I began dating on February 14. We were engaged in June. Ryan went into the hospital for the first time while we were together. We began wedding planning. I continued teaching at WCS.
• 2003: Ryan and I bought a townhouse in Lake In The Hills, IL. We got married on July 5 and went to Hawaii on our honeymoon. I continued working at WCS and Ryan worked at Precision Twist Drill.
• 2004: Ryan began working at Ameriprise as a financial planner. We flew to Connecticut for his best friend's wedding. We had a puppy for 6 weeks. :)
• 2005: Ryan had a major CF crash in April that lead to us beginning transplant evaluation at University of Wisconsin -- Madison. We began pursuing IVF. We found out that we were pregnant with twins in September -- YAY!
• 2006: I went on maternity leave and Ryan lost his job at the end of March. Lily and Wyatt were born on April 3 (33 6/7 wks). Ryan worked part time through the summer in Illinois. He found a job in Grand Rapids, MI. We moved to Michigan in September and lived with my parents. We sold our townhouse the last week of December.
• 2007: We started renting a townhouse. We enjoyed watching Lily and Wyatt grow. Ryan's health began to take a turn for the worse at the end of the year. We again began pursuing a lung transplant, this time at U of M.
• 2008: Ryan finished his lung transplant evaluation and was listed on March 17. He went into the ICU on March 23 and was never able to return home. Ryan went to heaven on June 6 after 10 1/2 weeks in the ICU. God became my source of strength during the most difficult time of my life.
• 2009: I bought a home for Lily, Wyatt, and myself. We took a trip to Disney with my parents. I continued to rely on God...

It is so great to reflect on where I have come from. When the last decade started I was far from being the person that I am today. I made choices based on what I wanted for myself and not on what God wanted for me. He has used the events of the past 10 years to draw me closer and to transform me into who I am today. Some of the things He has used have been fun, happy, joyful things. Some of the things He has used have been difficult, trying, sad things. Through them all I can see God's faithfulness. I can see how He orchestrated situations in my life to show me who He is. I am so thankful for a God who loves me and provides for me. I am thankful that even with an uncertain future, I can KNOW that God will provide for all of my needs and that I am loved!

Anticipating Christmas

The tree has been up for over a month. The presents are wrapped (some are even assembled to make for an more pleasant Christmas morning). Treats have been made. Plans have been worked out. Everything is all set to have a Merry Christmas.

But "everything" is not quite accurate. My heart doesn't feel "all set" to have Christmas. In a way I am dreading Christmas morning, the time when the kids and I will open our presents together. Without Ryan, it felt like something was missing last year and it feels like something is missing again this year. I can hear in my head his laughter at the kids playing with their new toys. I know he would be right there on the floor playing with Wyatt's new farm and Lily's new baby nursery. In fact, He would probably be more excited than Lily and Wyatt were about Christmas morning!

I know that there is nothing I can do to change the fact that Ryan is not here. And even if there were, I would never want him to have to leave heaven to come back to this earth where he suffered so much. It is just that Christmas is a family time and that just makes me miss him even more.

I am trying to focus this year on the real reason for Christmas: Christ. I think of Mary and how she anticipated the birth of her son. This Christmas, my heart is anticipating Christ too. It is anticipating the day when Christ will return and I will get to be with my Savior in heaven. What a celebration of Christ that will be!

18 Months

So much changes in 18 months:

When Ryan died, Lily and Wyatt were 2 years, 2 months, and 3 days old; today they are 3 years, 8 months, and 3 days old.

When Ryan died, Lily and Wyatt were wearing diapers; now they are potty trained.

When Ryan died, Lily and Wyatt were too young to play outside without me; today, I bundled them up and sent them into the backyard to explore and play independently in the snow.

When Ryan died, Lily and Wyatt depended on me to get them up out of their cribs each morning; now they sleep in big kid beds, they wake up and search for me each morning.

When Ryan died, Lily and Wyatt needed me to get them dressed from head to toe each day; now they are choosing their clothes and getting themselves dressed most of the way.

It is so hard for me to believe that it has been 18 months since Ryan died. It continues to seem like it was only a month ago and years ago all at the same time. While there are parts of life that definitely seem to be getting easier, there are still days when I am not sure how to keep pressing on. I am tired: mentally, emotionally, and physically. Tired of parenting by myself. Tired of making all of the decisions. Tired of the ever-present loneliness.

Today I am seeking God for strength, for patience, for joy, and for hope -- to get me through today, to get me through the next 18 months, just as He has done each and every day of the last 18 months.

Thanksgiving

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I have much to be thankful for, but I can't help feeling a little sadness as well. It is another major holiday without Ryan. And while it is not the first Thanksgiving without Ryan, there are some "firsts" to it that bring about a whole new round of grief.

It was always our tradition to spend one year with my family and one year with Ryan's family (and then switch for Christmas). The last Thanksgiving (2007) that Ryan was alive we enjoyed our day with my mom's side of the family. We spent the afternoon and evening gathered together in a church gym eating, watching football (Ryan, not me), chatting with family we don't get to see often enough, looking through Black Friday ads, playing games, watching the kids run with their cousins, and of course eating some more.

This year, we are back with my mom's side of the family (last year was my dad's side because my parents "switch" too). It is the first Thanksgiving that I will spend with my mom's family without Ryan in 8 years. It makes me sad to know that I will not be able to look across the room to see him watching football with my cousins with Wyatt sitting in his lap, or hear him laugh about something someone said, or look through Black Friday ads together deciding if we are still crazy enough to fight the crowds to get what we want for Lily and Wyatt for Christmas.

Yet even on a day filled with some sadness, I have much to be thankful for:

• a God who loves me and provides for me.
• a deeper faith.
• two wonderful children who fill my day with laughter, hugs, kisses, and "I love you, Mommy."
• parents who love us and are willing to help with anything.
• family who has supported us for the last 17+ months.
• friends who continue to overwhelm me with their thoughtfulness and love, as well as make me laugh often.
• a babysitter for my children who has become a wonderful friend.
• a church family who amazes me with their acts of service on a regular basis.
• a beautiful house that has become our home.
• health -- for all three of us.
• financial security during difficult economic times.
• the ability to be a stay-at-home-mom.

I really am so blessed!

what would life be like?

Last night I was really missing Ryan. I missed hearing him breathe while sleeping in bed next to me. I missed being able to just roll over and have him cuddle up to me or talk to me because I could not sleep.

And I began to wonder: what would life be like if Ryan were still here?

If Ryan were still alive he would probably have had a lung transplant. Maybe we would be living the life we had dreamed of. Maybe Ryan would be feeling great and maybe he would be active, doing all the things he would want to.

But maybe not.

Maybe there would be complications from the transplant. Maybe he would experience rejection on a regular basis. Maybe the other aspects of CF would still dominate our lives.

If Ryan was doing well, would he still be enjoying his job? Would he still have a job? Would we have greater financial worries in these difficult economic times? Would we still be renting a townhouse or would we have been able to buy a house like the one we live in today?

If Ryan were alive and doing well, would I be who I am today? Would my faith have grown in the ways it has because of his death? Would I have fully surrendered to God's will? Would I turn to God first in everything or would I still rely on Ryan for the answers?

I will never know what our life would hold if Ryan were still alive, but I am thankful for the things that have happened in the wake of his death:

• Ryan is healthy and whole in heaven, he no longer has to suffer.
• My faith has grown and my love for my Savior has deepened.
• My perspectives on life have changed -- the little things don't bother me nearly as much -- my focus is on eternity now.
• We are financially secure, we have a home to live in, we are provided for.

I miss Ryan.
I miss my husband.
I miss the father of my children.

But I have been abundantly blessed.

when my heart breaks again...

Grief is no longer something that colors every moment of every day for me.

I find joy and contentment in my daily life with Lily and Wyatt. We laugh together and play together; we battle "3" together.

I know that I am blessed!

But, there are still those moments when the loss of Ryan seems almost too much to bear.

When I think about the fact that Lily can't be "Daddy's Little Girl" (I know she would have Ryan wrapped around her little finger!).

When I think about the fact that Wyatt doesn't have his Daddy around to teach him "guy" things that Mommy has no idea about.

When I read about the importance of a dad on the life of his children and the lasting impact that it has on their future.

And after 15 months without Ryan, it is still hurts sometimes to sit down and eat dinner at the table with just the kids and I.

Those are the times when my heart breaks again...

Fantasy Football

Fantasy Football was one of Ryan's hobbies. About this time each year he would gather with a group of friends for their annual fantasy football draft. The draft was a big deal. Lots of food and lots of fellowship were crammed into a weekend all about football.

Three years ago, the league decided that they needed a trophy to record the champion for each fantasy season. Ryan went on the hunt for the biggest and ugliest trophy that he could find, and for some reason all of the guys in the league thought it was terrific (the wives did not).

This is the second year that Ryan is not in the league, but the guys have not forgotten about Ryan. They have named this trophy the Ryan P. Sweeney Memorial Trophy. I am so blessed by this group of guys and their remembrance of Ryan!