Lessons from a Tomato Plant

My tomato plant looks TERRIBLE! The leaves are all yellow, brown and shriveling up. The stems seem to be sagging. It just looks weary.

But it is still bearing fruit.

I have felt like my life has kind of been reflected by my tomato plant lately. Yes, I realize that sounds really odd, but each morning when I go out to water my plant I just think it looks the way that I feel. I have been feeling worn out and tired over the last few days and weeks. The kids have been more challenging and needing me to be consistent in disciple. They have both had colds and have not been sleeping well, which leads to mom not sleeping well. I have really felt the "burden" of being the only parent. I have just felt weary.

God continues to teach me about his goodness and faithfulness in these difficult times. He continues to give me the strength to get through each day -- His strength has been the ONLY explanation lately. He has blessed me with people who are: praying for me, with people who have come over to help out with some of the daily routines, and with my parents taking the kids for a few hours so I could just have some time to do what I needed to do.

It is my hope and my prayer that each day as I seek God and get filled from His word I will still be able to bear His fruit in my weariness.

Life

A lot has happened in our life since my last post:

• I sprained my ankle.
• We were all sick for a week.
• I got a lot of Christmas shopping done.
• We had a visit from Grammy and Auntie Amanda.
• I have been overly emotional.
• A super hero moved in -- Super Why!
• The dishwasher broke (and is still broken).
• I have enjoyed my children and their silliness!

I hope you enjoy some silly pictures of them....their little personalities are really starting to shine through. Ryan would have laughed hysterically at all the little things they say and do.

Things they say and do:

• Wyatt (this morning while attempting to get dressed): "I am having a problem with my undies." And he definitely was. He had the waistband up where it belonged, but both legs were through the same leg hole...I wish I had taken a picture!
• They both will come and find me throughout the day to tell me they love me! :)
• Wyatt's favorite phrase right now: "Oh, I gotcha!"

where does my encouragement come from?

a friend who is walking this path of grief with me
the smiles on the faces of my children
a listening ear when i need to cry
words of hope from the word of God
the words of the praise songs playing in the background
the knowledge that this life is short and that eternity is coming

Weary

Today I am weary. The day-to-day tasks seem overwhelming: getting the kids ready for the day, cleaning the house, referring two toddlers, running errands, making dinner, bathing the kids, putting the kids to bed. I feel worn out, both mentally and physically. I often wonder if every mom feels this way or if it is just a "side effect" of being a single mom.

I must admit that I am sick of it! I am sick of: feeling stressed, facing fears, making choices, doing it alone and being alone. I know that there are people who will help, that there are people who do help (which I am extremely grateful for). But in the end, it is "just" me.

I know I am just feeling sorry for myself today. I know I need to "snap out of it" and keep moving forward in God's strength; the same strength that has brought me this far. But, for just this moment, for this day, I am weary.

A New Game of Tag

My friend, Kandy, put up a new blog tag yesterday. You are supposed to pick your 6th picture from your 6th folder. This was the picture that I found when I went to get my picture.

CALI

Cali was our puppy for about six weeks in the summer of 2004. Ryan's brother, Nick, brought her home without permission and Ryan and I decided that we would take her. She was a sweet puppy. We had her almost 100% house broken when we had to give her up for adoption (long, un-fun story).

Blogging

I started this blog about 16 months ago. When I started it I remember saying to Ryan, what in the world will I write about and who in the world will ever read it. Many of my friends were starting blogs and I enjoyed reading them, plus having Ryan's family live 4 hours away we thought it would be a fun way for them to "see" the kids.

The blog has become something that I love, a hobby if you will. I have never enjoyed writing, but I enjoy putting down my thoughts here on the blog. It has been my own personal journal through so many trying times. I hope its is a way for God to be glorified for all the things he has done and will continue to do in my life. It has been a tool for me to show off my kids, to inform people of Ryan's health and hospital stays, and most recently a way for me to express my grief.

I very rarely talk about my grief in person; most days people who see me will have no idea what I am really feeling. This blog has become my way of expressing just what I am feeling. It has helped me so much to be able to share my story of grief. I am hoping that maybe it is helping someone else in some way too.

Val laughs at me now, because I talk about "blog" friends like I really know them. I feel like I do know a lot of you. You have opened your lives to me through your blogs. You have encouraged my through your comments and emails to me. There are some of you who are also walking down a path of grief or are facing it in the near future. Some of you who do not "know" me have been some of my strongest supporters and I just wanted to say thank you!

Just a Thought...

A 92-year-old man, who is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today.

His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready. As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window. "I love it," he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.

"Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait."

"That doesn't have anything to do with it," he replied. "Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged ... it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it.

"It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.

Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away. Just for this time in my life. Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in. So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories! Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing."

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

October 3

Tomorrow is October 3.

That means two things:
1. Lily and Wyatt will be 2 1/2
2. I will substitute teacher for the first time

Both of those things may seem insignificant, but for some reason they are weighing on my mind tonight.

How is it possible that my tiny little babies are now 2 1/2? How is it possible that my toddlers have already had to live 4 of their 30 short months without their Daddy? As I watch them each day, I am amazed at what they can do now that they could not do 6 months ago. I am sad that Ryan is not here watching them accomplish new things, hearing them jabber a mile a minute.

Substitute teaching? 2nd Grade? I am looking forward to what tomorrow holds, but I am also extremely nervous. I have not been in a classroom for more that 2 1/2 years. I have NEVER taught 2nd grade -- just middle school. Hopefully I will survive :) It will be hard not to come home at the end of the day and tell Ryan all about my day teaching.

Side note: we have now lived here for 2 years (Ryan's first day at 5/3rd was 2 years ago today). I am so thankful how God worked all things out in our lives.

Photos and Digital Scrapbooking

I have recently stumbled onto two different websites: one to enhance photos, one to do digital scrapbooking. I must admit that I have used either of them very little, but I thought I would share my new found knowledge with all of you.

Photo Enhancement: www.picnik.com

Free Digital Scrapbooking: www.freedigitalscrapbooking.com

If you have used either of these websites, I would love to hear your comments!

Baseball Thoughts

Okay, this a somewhat random post, but I have been thinking about writing it for a few days. I love the Chicago Cubs. I have been a fan since college. I am not a fair weather fan, you can't be with the Cubs because their weather isn't usually fair.

That being said, they are frustrating me. They had a great record going into September (well over .500) and they actually won last night, after losing 7 out of 8 games. GRRR... I am hoping that they can continue on and not throw away their chance at the post-season.

(I guess Ryan has decided helping the Chicago Bears win football is more important than helping the Cubs get to the World Series! :) )