2009 ~ Year in Review

It is hard to believe that today is the last day of 2009. I remember thinking on New Year's Day that it was going to be a long year. I remember crying as I thought of starting a new year without Ryan. I was dreading what was ahead and dreading the fact that I was going to be facing in "alone." God has more than blessed me as I look back over all that we have done in this year.

Here are a few highlights from each month of 2009:

• January was a month filled with two big blessings! My niece, Jessie Marie, was born and I bought our house! :)
• February was a busy month as the new house was painted and "remodeled." We moved in on the 21st -- I still LOVE it!
• In March, we celebrated Ryan's birthday. It was a difficult day, but so good to remember too! The weather started getting warmer and we were able to start enjoying our big backyard.
• Lily and Wyatt turned 3 in April!
• The highlight of May would have to be our trip to Disney World. It was a quick trip, but so much fun!
• June marked the one year anniversary of Ryan's death. We were loved and supported, it was a weekend of celebration for the life Ryan lived! We also took a trip to Illinois to spend time with family and friends. Lily and Wyatt were potty trained too!
• July was a relaxing month. We enjoyed the cooler temperatures that this summer held. We also made a day trip to Chicago for Grandma-Great's birthday. Lily and Wyatt rode a real pony for the first time at the church picnic.
• In August we spent some time at the beach with friends and attended different activities at church.
• September started with a trip to Binder Park Zoo on Labor Day -- what a fun place, we will definitely go again! Lily and Wyatt started attending Cubbies at church. The outside of the house received a face lift with new windows, siding, and garage door.
• October was a fun month for me! I was able to be a part of my friend, Val's, wedding day. The kids enjoyed time with Nana and Papa while Mommy was away. They also enjoyed dressing up for Halloween.
• The highlight of November was Thanksgiving.
• December has been a blur with holiday gatherings and visits from good friends. I celebrated my birthday. And we all celebrated the birth of our Savior!

We have been blessed. We have a wonderful home and we are all healthy! We are loved and supported by our family and friends. There are still difficult days (the second year of grief really is more difficult), but God continues to sustain me with His love and strength!

Happy New Year! May God bless you richly in 2010!

Christmas in Pictures

Well, Christmas 2009 has come and gone. It was a whirlwind of parties and craziness, but a lot of fun too.

Traditions of Christmas:
ornaments ~ one for each of the kids to represent something about their year and a family ornament
watching some Christmas classics (Charlie Brown & the Grinch) together in our jammies (new this year)
making some sort of birthday cake for Jesus and singing Happy Birthday to him!

Schedule of our Christmas week ~ BUSY!:
Christmas Eve's Eve (Wednesday): made cupcakes and watched Christmas classics
Christmas Eve (Thursday): decorated cupcakes and cookies with friends, opened some presents on Skype with family in Florida, Christmas Eve Service at church
Christmas Day (Friday): Christmas breakfast -- singing Happy Birthday to Jesus, opening presents as a family, celebration with my family, celebration with my Dad's extended family
Saturday: packed up and headed to Illinois (and a winter storm), party with Ryan's extended family, checked into our hotel, party with Papa Steve (Ryan's dad)
Sunday: church (at the church Ryan and I were married in), party with Grammy (Ryan's mom), quick visit with Papa Steve, dinner with friends
Monday: packed up and headed home!

Merry Christmas!

... from the Sweeney's!

Enjoy your day celebrating the birthday of our King!

Happy Birthday, Jesus!

Anticipating Christmas

The tree has been up for over a month. The presents are wrapped (some are even assembled to make for an more pleasant Christmas morning). Treats have been made. Plans have been worked out. Everything is all set to have a Merry Christmas.

But "everything" is not quite accurate. My heart doesn't feel "all set" to have Christmas. In a way I am dreading Christmas morning, the time when the kids and I will open our presents together. Without Ryan, it felt like something was missing last year and it feels like something is missing again this year. I can hear in my head his laughter at the kids playing with their new toys. I know he would be right there on the floor playing with Wyatt's new farm and Lily's new baby nursery. In fact, He would probably be more excited than Lily and Wyatt were about Christmas morning!

I know that there is nothing I can do to change the fact that Ryan is not here. And even if there were, I would never want him to have to leave heaven to come back to this earth where he suffered so much. It is just that Christmas is a family time and that just makes me miss him even more.

I am trying to focus this year on the real reason for Christmas: Christ. I think of Mary and how she anticipated the birth of her son. This Christmas, my heart is anticipating Christ too. It is anticipating the day when Christ will return and I will get to be with my Savior in heaven. What a celebration of Christ that will be!

18 Months

So much changes in 18 months:

When Ryan died, Lily and Wyatt were 2 years, 2 months, and 3 days old; today they are 3 years, 8 months, and 3 days old.

When Ryan died, Lily and Wyatt were wearing diapers; now they are potty trained.

When Ryan died, Lily and Wyatt were too young to play outside without me; today, I bundled them up and sent them into the backyard to explore and play independently in the snow.

When Ryan died, Lily and Wyatt depended on me to get them up out of their cribs each morning; now they sleep in big kid beds, they wake up and search for me each morning.

When Ryan died, Lily and Wyatt needed me to get them dressed from head to toe each day; now they are choosing their clothes and getting themselves dressed most of the way.

It is so hard for me to believe that it has been 18 months since Ryan died. It continues to seem like it was only a month ago and years ago all at the same time. While there are parts of life that definitely seem to be getting easier, there are still days when I am not sure how to keep pressing on. I am tired: mentally, emotionally, and physically. Tired of parenting by myself. Tired of making all of the decisions. Tired of the ever-present loneliness.

Today I am seeking God for strength, for patience, for joy, and for hope -- to get me through today, to get me through the next 18 months, just as He has done each and every day of the last 18 months.

* S * N * O * W *

We had the first snow fall of the winter yesterday and it has brought a new joy to our lives! Lily and Wyatt are enjoying playing in it and I am enjoying the fact that they are old enough to go out and play in it by themselves! :) Enjoy the pictures and the video!

Wyatt "Reading" the Christmas Story

We have been reading the Christmas story from Luke 2 out of Lily and Wyatt's children's bible every night. Wyatt is great at memorization and this is a video of him "reading" the story. It is a long video (10 minutes), but if you have time to watch it I think you might enjoy it.

** Remember to turn off the music on the blog.

*** If you don't have a lot of time, there is a shorter video posted below.

Shepherds and Angels

A Matter of Perspective

For the last few weeks, I have been struggling with my perspective. The glass has been half empty instead of half full. I have felt sorry for myself and the fact that my life has not gone as I had planned. My birthday is coming and I have to say when I used to picture what my life would be like, it did not include being a widow with two small children at the age of 31.

I am trying to refocus my perspective. I am trying to see all of the MANY, MANY things I have to be thankful for. I am trying to be full of JOY!

So...

• instead of grumbling about washing the dishes by hand for weeks, I am thankful that I have a house to wash my dishes in, that I have food to put on my dishes, and that I have two wonderful children to make the dishes dirty. (I am also thankful that Maytag/Whirlpool is replacing the dishwasher at no cost to me -- yay, warranties!)
• instead of dreading bathing two 3 year olds, I am thankful for the giggles that come out with the bubbles and that I have clean, warm water to bathe them in.
• instead of complaining about having to work out, I am thankful that God has allowed me to have a healthy body that can work out.

Those are just a few things I am trying to change my perspective on. In reality, life is full of blessing if I just take the time to look for them. Christmas is coming -- the celebration of Jesus' birth. A day that is a great reminder of the sacrifice He made for me!