what is missing

For the past 2+ years I have been doing life as a single mom. There is no break that comes at the end of the day when my husband walks through the door. The evenings are usually challenging because there are 2 tired kiddos + 1 tired mommy all trying to make it to bedtime.

At some point along the way I became used to this. I rarely focus on what is missing. I do our night time routine because it needs to be done. I don't have time to dwell on it and dwelling on it is really not going to change anything.

But last night was different. Last night I had a friend and her kids over for dinner. I took care of the kids (hers and mine) all day and cooked a meal. She came over after work to enjoy the meal with us before heading home with her kids for the night. There was another adult at the table. There was another adult in the house distracting the kids from the kitchen while I finished up dinner. There was another adult in the house causing them to laugh hysterically after dinner was done and the dishes were taken care of. It was like a breath of fresh air to me!

After she left with her kids and Lily and Wyatt were in bed, I was standing in the kitchen and it hit me. There is something missing. That is what God intended life to be like -- he intended for there to be a mom and a dad in a home. He intended raising children to be a partnership. He intended for husbands and wives to help one another.

I know this is not the most positive post I have written. And don't get me wrong, I am incredibly thankful that God gives me the strength to get through each day from morning til night. But in all honesty, I wish I didn't have...I wish there was nothing missing...

A Heart of Worship

Life does not goes as planned. That is a fact that I have learned all to well over the last three years. There are so many times when I wish that things would go the way that I want them to and that "my" plans would work out. There are so many times when I wish that I knew what God was up to.

I know that God knows best and I know that His plan is better than mine. I know that God can see the big picture and that I can only see a tiny speck of that picture. I have been reminded by some wonderful friends over the last few weeks that God is enough. And that God sees it all. They have encouraged me to keep my mind focused on the things above -- when I do it helps so much!

Each time I have been discouraged lately I have been trying to have a heart of worship. I have been reciting Zephaniah 3:17 over and over in my head...turning up praise and worship music really loud doesn't hurt either! :)

The Lord your God is with you,

He is mighty to save.

He will take great delight in you,

He will quiet you with his love,

He will rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3:17

so many thoughts...

There are so many thoughts running through my head these days.

God has been teaching me a lot.

I have been learning a lot.

There have been tears.

There has been laughter and smiles.

There have been moments of feeling unsettled.

There have been moments of great contentment.

And through it all...God is GOOD!

Am I Listening?

On Sunday I was challenged by the message from our pastor to be listening for God to speak. It was a good message and a great reminder that God does speak to us through his words and through his Spirit. I just have to remember to be open and to be listening when God does speak to me.

Even before hearing the message on Sunday I had been feeling as though God had been speaking directly to my heart. I have been praying some very specific prayers and the answers He is continually sending are so overwhelming to me! God is so good. He is so faithful. It brings me to tears often as I think about all that He has done for me.

I have also found that in this time of closeness with God I am facing battles that are from Satan. I am being stretched and challenged as a parent in ways that I have not been before. I feel like Satan is attempting to get me to give up and give in to my sinful nature. I have been spending a lot of time studying the fruits of the Spirit and the armor of God in my quiet time. It is my greatest desire to bear the fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control to those I come in contact with. Lily and Wyatt see me more than any one else and I want to be an example to them of what God calls us to be. Some days it is just so difficult! It is all about the process I suppose. Am I improving just a little bit each day? Am I seeking God when the difficulties arise? Am I praising Him in the struggles I am facing?

This morning I was also reflecting on what the past 2+ years have been like. They have not been easy, but I can see that I have gained much from all that I have gone through. There is nothing that has drawn me to a closer walk with Jesus than the struggles of being a single mom and widow. There have been moments of feeling helpless, alone, afraid, scared, and overwhelmed. There are still those moments. But in all honesty, I do not think I would change things. I am thankful for who I am becoming in Christ. I am thankful that my heart has been changed. I am thankful for the different perspective of life that I have.

God is good.

Lessons from Out on a Limb

This past weekend I had the privilege of attending a Beth Moore Living Proof Ministries conference with my good friend, Val (and 7,298 other women from 24 states). It was a refreshing weekend. It was a needed retreat. It was a heart opening message for me.

Beth's theme focused on trees and she used different scripture references to make her point. The most impacting aspect of the conference for me was Friday night when her focus was from Jotham's Fable in Judges 9. She talked about the different trees being different types of kings in our lives. The olive tree = religious life, the fig tree = indulgences, the grape vine = intoxication, and the thorn bush = our struggles, trials, etc.

I had never really thought about the fact that my struggles could be the king of my life -- who would want to worship the struggles they are facing. But what I took away from her teaching wasn't that you worship your struggles, but that you focus on them so much that you lose focus of your real KING and what He is doing in your life through those struggles. It was a wake up call for me to realize I was focusing too much on the difficulties in my life and not on what God is doing through them. I was becoming resentful of some of the challenges I have to face and not embracing them as a way for God to continue His good work in me. I am so thankful for God's grace and mercy and patience as I take my time in learning and growing in Him.

Here is a video from the weekend!

Living Proof Live - Grand Rapids from Rich Kalonick on Vimeo.

Jesus, You are Lord of All!

Lately...

I have wondered if I had the strength to persevere through this season of my life. I have wondered how long this would have to go on (two years seems like a really long time). I have wondered when this is going to get easier, when things are going to FEEL different, when things are going to BE different. I have begged God to change things. I have asked Him to give me strength.

Yet, I have not been allowing Him to work in me. I ask for His strength, but then I try to stand on my own. I have not allowed Him to continue refining me, transforming me because I have not wanted to feel more hurt. I have been shutting out God's strength, peace, and comfort; I have been shutting out the people God has placed in my life to encourage me and help me.

In resisting God's work I have only felt more pain. I have felt alone, tired, discouraged, weary.

Today I am reminded (again) that God uses trials, challenges, difficulties, and hurts to transform me to be more like Christ. These struggles through life are the things that develop character, that teach me to bear fruit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, and self-control. Really, what more could I want? Yes, in my human, selfish nature, I want a perfect life right here, right now on this earth. But, in reality, this life is temporary (and it is perfect for NO ONE). It is brief. And then, there is eternity.

Today I will stop trying to stand in my own strength. Today I will go back to RESTING in God's strength. Today I will choose to persevere. Today I will choose to allow God to continue transforming me, so that He is glorified.

it wasn't meant to be this way

I have been struggling on so many levels lately.

The lonliness of the being a widow and single mom is still overwhelming.

I am constantly searching for what God has in store for me. In some ways, I feel like life has been at a stand still since Ryan died. I want to move forward in God's plan for me, but I don't know where forward is or what it looks like.

I am weary. The daily routines are wearing me down. Being consistent in discipline and intentional with my children is tiring.

I am also struggling with issues that others are having to face. There seems to be so much hurt and pain happening all around me over the past few weeks. Family and friends have had to hear difficult news and seek God's strength, peace, and wisdom. The world has watched as Haiti has faced devastation from major earthquakes with thousands feared dead.

As I hear about these tragedies and as I continue to face life as a widow and single mom, I can't help but think about how life wasn't meant to be this way. Sin has entered this world and because of it we all face sadness, sickness, natural disasters, struggles, and death. I am reminded that this world is not my home -- I am desperately longing for Jesus' return.

Looking Back

Since I wrote my post reviewing 2009, I have also been thinking about the past decade. So much has changed in the last 10 years and I thought it might be interesting to highlight some of the major events that have occurred in that time.

• 2000: Finished my junior year of college and began my senior year at Trinity Christian College in Palos Heights, IL. I worked at Steelcase for the last time as summer help. I had knee surgery in December.
• 2001: I did my student teaching at Southwest Chicago Christian School -- Tinley Park (6th grade) and Chicago Ridge Public School (4th grade). I graduated college with a B.A. in elementary education. I spent the summer back in Michigan working at Gap and babysitting before moving to Illinois. I began working at Westminster Christian School (WCS) teaching 7th and 8th grade math, 8th grade bible, and a computer elective. I also met Ryan.
• 2002: Ryan and I began dating on February 14. We were engaged in June. Ryan went into the hospital for the first time while we were together. We began wedding planning. I continued teaching at WCS.
• 2003: Ryan and I bought a townhouse in Lake In The Hills, IL. We got married on July 5 and went to Hawaii on our honeymoon. I continued working at WCS and Ryan worked at Precision Twist Drill.
• 2004: Ryan began working at Ameriprise as a financial planner. We flew to Connecticut for his best friend's wedding. We had a puppy for 6 weeks. :)
• 2005: Ryan had a major CF crash in April that lead to us beginning transplant evaluation at University of Wisconsin -- Madison. We began pursuing IVF. We found out that we were pregnant with twins in September -- YAY!
• 2006: I went on maternity leave and Ryan lost his job at the end of March. Lily and Wyatt were born on April 3 (33 6/7 wks). Ryan worked part time through the summer in Illinois. He found a job in Grand Rapids, MI. We moved to Michigan in September and lived with my parents. We sold our townhouse the last week of December.
• 2007: We started renting a townhouse. We enjoyed watching Lily and Wyatt grow. Ryan's health began to take a turn for the worse at the end of the year. We again began pursuing a lung transplant, this time at U of M.
• 2008: Ryan finished his lung transplant evaluation and was listed on March 17. He went into the ICU on March 23 and was never able to return home. Ryan went to heaven on June 6 after 10 1/2 weeks in the ICU. God became my source of strength during the most difficult time of my life.
• 2009: I bought a home for Lily, Wyatt, and myself. We took a trip to Disney with my parents. I continued to rely on God...

It is so great to reflect on where I have come from. When the last decade started I was far from being the person that I am today. I made choices based on what I wanted for myself and not on what God wanted for me. He has used the events of the past 10 years to draw me closer and to transform me into who I am today. Some of the things He has used have been fun, happy, joyful things. Some of the things He has used have been difficult, trying, sad things. Through them all I can see God's faithfulness. I can see how He orchestrated situations in my life to show me who He is. I am so thankful for a God who loves me and provides for me. I am thankful that even with an uncertain future, I can KNOW that God will provide for all of my needs and that I am loved!

18 Months

So much changes in 18 months:

When Ryan died, Lily and Wyatt were 2 years, 2 months, and 3 days old; today they are 3 years, 8 months, and 3 days old.

When Ryan died, Lily and Wyatt were wearing diapers; now they are potty trained.

When Ryan died, Lily and Wyatt were too young to play outside without me; today, I bundled them up and sent them into the backyard to explore and play independently in the snow.

When Ryan died, Lily and Wyatt depended on me to get them up out of their cribs each morning; now they sleep in big kid beds, they wake up and search for me each morning.

When Ryan died, Lily and Wyatt needed me to get them dressed from head to toe each day; now they are choosing their clothes and getting themselves dressed most of the way.

It is so hard for me to believe that it has been 18 months since Ryan died. It continues to seem like it was only a month ago and years ago all at the same time. While there are parts of life that definitely seem to be getting easier, there are still days when I am not sure how to keep pressing on. I am tired: mentally, emotionally, and physically. Tired of parenting by myself. Tired of making all of the decisions. Tired of the ever-present loneliness.

Today I am seeking God for strength, for patience, for joy, and for hope -- to get me through today, to get me through the next 18 months, just as He has done each and every day of the last 18 months.

Struggles and God's Provision

The past week has been filled with many, many different struggles. All of them seemed really big at the time, all of them made me feel extremely alone. But God has amazingly provided through all of them!

At the end of last week, and even the beginning of this week, Lily was throwing some major temper tantrums all day long! Those of you who have toddlers or who have had toddlers can relate, I am sure. Anything I asked her to do she said "NO!" Any time I asked her to obey, she did the opposite. She was screaming, crying, etc. I was getting very discouraged. It was getting harder and harder to be consistent, it was a challenge to remain patient, and I began to feel sorry for myself. I was missing Ryan and the help he would have brought (at least after 5:30).

Thankfully, God has placed a very special person in our lives who Lily and Wyatt ADORE! Erin was willing to come over and just hang out. She distracted Lily from her attitude, and didn't bat an eye when things began to go down hill. Erin is such a blessing in our lives, I really have no idea what I would do without her!

Tuesday, I wanted to get some work done in the yard. The leaves were getting to be overwhelming and I thought if I could at least get the front yard done it would be some progress. I went to start the leaf blower (which was only a week old) and I could not get it started for the life of me. I started bawling my eyes out, while Lily and Wyatt looked on. (Wyatt kept saying, "Mommy, it's really sad that you couldn't get that to work. " Cute, but so not helpful at the time!) I hated the fact that I could not get a simple tool to work so that I could take care of my own house.

I called Kevin, one of our pastors, and he was able to come over and try to help me. I felt better with the fact that he couldn't get it to work either! :) But I was grateful for his willingness to help me yet again and he even took it with him and figured out what the problem was! He has helped me with different things around the house many, many times and I am so grateful to God for his willingness!

Yesterday (Wednesday), I decided that since I could get the blower to work now, I would head out to the back yard and move some leaves around to make things easier for someone from our church who was going to be coming over to mow the leaves up later in the afternoon. Things were going well, until I slipped and fell down a couple of stairs and sprained my ankle. I hobbled inside and called a friend. She was concerned because she knows that I am a single mom and that I am very independent. As we were talking and trying to figure out what to do (she was 45 min. away), I was crying my eyes out again! Why? Why does it have to be so hard? Why do I have to be all alone when these things are happening?

Thankfully, God provided again! My neighbors had seen me fall and they asked Aaron, the guy from church who came to mow if I was okay. He didn't even know I was hurt, so he came to check. I was on the phone with another friend from church who told me that Aaron has medical training from his work in the army. Aaron, came in and worked on my foot, while two more friends from church came over and helped with the kids, got medicine from upstairs, brought dinner, took the kids to AWANA, etc. I do not enjoy having a sprained ankle or relying on the help of others, but God came through last night in HUGE ways!

I am not sure what this week of difficulties is for. It may be an attack from Satan for sharing my testimony in church on Sunday night. It may be a reminder to me that God does not want me relying on myself so much. It may be just another way for God to show himself faithful. What ever the reason, I am so thankful for the way God has blessed me with wonderful people to help me out!

what would life be like?

Last night I was really missing Ryan. I missed hearing him breathe while sleeping in bed next to me. I missed being able to just roll over and have him cuddle up to me or talk to me because I could not sleep.

And I began to wonder: what would life be like if Ryan were still here?

If Ryan were still alive he would probably have had a lung transplant. Maybe we would be living the life we had dreamed of. Maybe Ryan would be feeling great and maybe he would be active, doing all the things he would want to.

But maybe not.

Maybe there would be complications from the transplant. Maybe he would experience rejection on a regular basis. Maybe the other aspects of CF would still dominate our lives.

If Ryan was doing well, would he still be enjoying his job? Would he still have a job? Would we have greater financial worries in these difficult economic times? Would we still be renting a townhouse or would we have been able to buy a house like the one we live in today?

If Ryan were alive and doing well, would I be who I am today? Would my faith have grown in the ways it has because of his death? Would I have fully surrendered to God's will? Would I turn to God first in everything or would I still rely on Ryan for the answers?

I will never know what our life would hold if Ryan were still alive, but I am thankful for the things that have happened in the wake of his death:

• Ryan is healthy and whole in heaven, he no longer has to suffer.
• My faith has grown and my love for my Savior has deepened.
• My perspectives on life have changed -- the little things don't bother me nearly as much -- my focus is on eternity now.
• We are financially secure, we have a home to live in, we are provided for.

I miss Ryan.
I miss my husband.
I miss the father of my children.

But I have been abundantly blessed.

I seem to find so little time to blog these days. Life is going full steam ahead. The kids are still enjoying Cubbies at AWANA on Wednesday nights. I have started going to a bible study at church on Wednesday mornings where we are studying Patriarchs: Encountering the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob by Beth Moore. I am also watching a two month old one and a half days a week -- she is a little sweetheart! This past week I was in Indiana/Illinois to be the maid of honor in my best friend's wedding. Val and Dave are perfect for each other and I was honored to be a part of their special day!

Through all of the busyness, God has been so good! I find myself being in a place of contentment. That does not mean that my life is what I would have chosen, it means that God has helped me to accept (and trust) the plans He has for my life. I have realized that I cannot control the things of this life, no matter how hard I try. God knows where I have been. God knows where I am going. God knows when my time on this earth will be over. So I can simply wake up each morning and say, "Okay, God, what do you have for me today?" It does not matter if I wake up one morning and see a very large tree down in my yard (which did happen last week), God is still God. He is still in control and He will still provide and I can still be thankful (for the fact that the tree did not fall on the house and for the WONDERFUL people who took the time to cut it up while I went to my best friend's wedding)!

It is amazing to me to look back over the last 30+ years of my life and to realize that I had not really grown much in my faith until the last 1+ year. I do not rejoice in trees falling or in Ryan's death, but I do rejoice in God's love and faithfulness to me in these times of trial both small and big!

For my friend...

Here is a video of a song that I love. Each time I hear it I am reminded of the pain that so many people face. I am so thankful that God is ALWAYS there!



**Remember to turn off the music on the blog!

I made you.

You are different.

You are unique.

With love I formed you in your mothers womb.

I fashioned you with great joy.

I remember with great pleasure the day I created you in my image.

I love your smile.

I love your ways.

I love to hear you laugh, and the silly things you do and say.

You bring me great pleasure.

This is how I made you:

I made you pretty, not beautiful, because I knew your heart, and I knew you would be vain.

I wanted you to search out your heart, and learn that it would be me in you that would make you beautiful.

And it would be me in you that would draw your friends to you.

I made you in such a way that you would need me, yearn, and long for me.

I made you a little more lonesome than you would like to be, only because I want you to learn to depend on me.

I know your heart, and I know that if I hadn't made you like this, you would go your own chosen way and forget me, your creator.

I have given you many good and happy things because I love you.

I have rained blessings on you because I adore you.

I have seen your broken heart and the tears that you cried alone, only because you would not hold my hand.

So many lessons you have learned the hard way because you wouldn't listen to my voice.

So many times I've sat back and sadly watched you go your own way, only to watch you return to my arms, sad and broken.

I have to reshape and remold you, to renew you to what I had planned for you to be.

It has not been easy for you or for me.

I have such amazing plans for you.

I want you to be conformed to my image, this high goal I have set for you because I love you. And now you are mine.

I made you and then bought you at a price, because I loved you.

You are my child, and you are complete in me.

You are my temple, a light to the world, a branch of my vine.

NOTHING can separate you from my love.

Author Unknown

Desert Song

This song was sung at our church this morning. I feel like the words were written for this time in my life! Please turn off the music on the blog and listen to the words of this song.

God Can!

Yesterday was a difficult day. Thank you to everyone for their encouragement and their prayers! God has given me a new perspective this morning! :)

I was reading about the story of the 12 spies of Israel going into the land of Canaan (Numbers 13). Caleb and Joshua were the only 2 who believed that they could conquer the land -- and not by their strength, but by the strength of the Lord. The 10 unbelieving spies were able to convince the Israelites that it could not be done, that the land could not be conquered. Because of those who did not believe God, the Israelites wandered in the desert for 40 years.

I want to be like Caleb and Joshua. I want to believe God's promises to me. I want to be faithful to the plan God has orchestrated for my life. I do NOT want to wander in the desert for 40 years. For reasons unknown to me, God has brought me to this season of my life. He has a purpose for me in being a single mom and a widow. He will be glorified by my life if I trust in him and believe in his promises. I cannot do life on my own. The daily routine of being a single mom is going to require strength that I do not have. But God has the strength for me!

No Words

I have been fairly silent on the blog recently, mainly because I have no words to explain what I have been feeling. I am not sure that what I have been feeling can be understood unless you have stood in my place. I guess in a way I feel lost. I am not sure the direction God is taking my life. I am not sure what His purpose for me is. I feel like He is asking me to give up some of my dreams and just rest in Him right now.

It is hard to give up my dreams -- both big and small, but I know that the best thing is for me to be listening to His voice. I know that His ways are better than my ways, it is just not always easy to live that out. It is not always easy to die to self and live to glorify Him. But... I will. I will continue to press on. I will continue to seek God's will for my life and the lives of my children. I will continue to move forward, keeping my eyes on Jesus.

Not Complete Quite Yet...

Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6

God has been working on me recently. He has been convicting me of a sin area in my life that I have always struggled with, the sin of having a quick temper. As you might guess, the combination of a quick temper and two 3 year olds does not go well together. I would often lose my temper and end up yelling at Lily and Wyatt as a method of "discipline". Yelling at them did nothing but make them cry and often I would end up crying as well. The look on their precious faces would pierce my heart and make me regret my anger.

I love Lily and Wyatt. If I am quickly losing my temper with my children, am I truly loving them the way that God has called me to love them? 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8a describes love this way:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

In my sin I was not loving my children as God loves me; I was not reflecting the love of my heavenly Father to my children. I realized a few weeks ago that I needed to HATE my sin so that I could allow God to work in me to overcome my sin. It has since been my prayer DAILY, that God would fill me with His Spirit, allowing me to be the mom that He has created me to be; that God would allow Lily and Wyatt to feel loved by me; that I would discipline them out of love and patience and not out of anger and frustration.

I can feel God working in my heart and in our home. I am by no means a perfect mom. I still have moments when my quick temper takes over. But I must give God the glory for changing my heart; for giving me the patience and the ability to take a deep breath before dealing with a temper tantrum; for helping me become a better mom. I am confident that God, who began a good work in me, will carry it on to completion.

Growing in the Wilderness

At church this morning, Dr. Koole was talking about John the Baptist and the person that he was. The Bible goes from him being a baby to him being an adult with hardly any information given. Luke 1:80 "describes" his growing up: "And the child continued to grow, and to become strong in spirit, and he lived in the deserts until the day of his public appearance to Israel."

Dr. Koole went on to discuss what it means to become strong in the spirit and how most often it happens when we live in the "deserts"/wilderness (i.e. trials/difficulties). I was struck by how directly these words and situations apply to my life today; how when I hear these words I can look back and see how they have become evident over the last year.

1. Growing in patience: I must wait for God's timing, I am probably not as ready as I think I am and I must wait and trust God's timing and planning of life.
2. Growing in dependence: God uses these trials, these difficult times in my life, to increase my dependence on Him and Him alone.
3. Growing in contentment: God wants me to be content with what I have NOW! He does not want me longing for what once was or what maybe, rather He wants me to be satisfied with what He has given me today.
4. Growing in priorities/purpose: God wants me to be seeking out what HIS purpose and priorities are for me.
5. Growing in strength: God uses these seasons in my life to make me a stronger person!
6. Growing in courage: God allows our courage to grow as we go through the battles of life.
7. Growing in maturity.
8. Growing in preparation: God is using this time, this moment in my life to prepare me for something that will happen in the future.
9. Growing in relationship: I need to turn to God FIRST, not as a second option.

I know that in the past year I have grown in patience, dependence, contentment, priorities, strength, courage, maturity, preparation, and relationship. I also know that I have a LONG way to go. I am so thankful that God is walking with me through this wilderness. I do often wonder when it will end and what that will look like, but today, I am filled with joy at all God is doing in me during this time!