Gratitude

I love this song and all that it stands for. God does not always give us what we want or what we think is best...

May I give thanks for the way that God works and the things He provides.



Send some rain, would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case ...

We'll give thanks to You with gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun
that warms our face
If You never send us rain

Daily bread, give us daily bread
Bless our bodies, keep our children fed
Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight
Wrap us up and warm us through
Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs
Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time
Or maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case ...

We'll give thanks to You with gratitude
A lesson learned to hunger after You
That a starry sky offers a better view
If no roof is overhead
And if we never taste that bread

Oh, the differences that often are between
Everything we want and what we really need

So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not today
Peace might be another world away
And if that's the case ...

We'll give thanks to You with gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if You never grant us peace ...

But, Jesus, would You please ...

Day 20

I must admit that as Thanksgiving has drawn closer it has been harder for me to find things to be thankful for. It is not that I don't see the blessings in my life, it is just the fact that there is a huge hole in my heart. I miss Ryan and all that he brought into my life: his laughter, his patience, his love, his generosity, his loyalty, his positive attitude, his perseverance. Tomorrow will be a tough day. I will be surrounded by people who love me, but the person I most desire to be with will be missing.

But tonight I am thankful for the memories that are in my heart. Although Ryan is no longer with me, I have so many memories of our life together. They make me smile and they make me cry, but they are a treasure that I am thankful to have. I look forward to passing them on to Lily and Wyatt.

Over the next couple of weeks, I will try and share some of our Christmas stories and traditions. I would LOVE for those of you who knew Ryan to share stories with me as well. They will be a treasure to both the kids and me. Feel free to email them to me (click on my profile) if you would like.

Thanks for your continued thoughts and prayers for us. You are all a huge blessing to me!

Day 19

I forgot to post last night, but I wanted to make sure to include what I was thankful for yesterday.

I am thankful for two friends who allowed me to talk about Ryan. They listened and laughed as I described different events of our marriage. The told me what they remember and appreciated about him. They didn't mind when I got a little choked up. They allowed me to express my fears about the holidays and offered to be there when I needed them.

Thanks, girls, I really appreciate it! You have no idea how much it meant to me!

Day 18

I was sitting in GriefShare tonight and a person in the video said something that really struck me. Christmas is about suffering. Yes, Christmas is the celebration of Christ, the Messiah's birth, but what did he come for? He came to suffer and die on the cross for the sins of this world, my sins. He came to defeat death and Satan. That statement, Christmas is about suffering, reminded me of the hope that I have because of my relationship with Jesus. Death does not have the final say. Satan will be defeated. So though life is difficult tonight, I am thankful for that hope and that assurance.

A Day to Remember (Day 17)

Grief is unpredictable. Grief comes in waves.

Today as I was having my quiet time, I was thanking God for getting me to where I, for allowing me to find a new "normal", for continually helping me to keep going. I was feeling refreshed and secure. I was feeling like I was doing alright.

Then the wave hit.

Today is November 23. It is not a day of special significance, but then I started thinking about the fact that it was 8 months ago today that Ryan went on a ventilator. That lead to me thinking about the fact the I am entering into a period of time filled with 1 year anniversaries starting with 1 year since visiting U of M and meeting Dr. Ojo for the first time (December 20). My birthday is also coming. I remember feeling sorry for myself last year when Ryan was in the hospital on my birthday; this year I wish I was going to be able to visit him in the hospital on my birthday this year.

Today also included a Holiday Remembrance Program hosted by the funeral home. It was so emotional to "remember" Ryan in that way; to be at a place with others also filled with grief; to listen to Amazing Grace being sung and being asked to sing along on the last verse. I don't often cry in public, but I did today. Tears streamed down my face as I saw my husband's name flashed up on the screen, as I walked to the front to light a candle in his memory, as I listened to Psalm 23 being read, as the pastor talked about how grief is in all the little things.

Today it hurts. Grief is still here. It is still overpowering.

But I am thankful for the opportunity to remember my husband today and I am thankful that God is here with me helping me get through this hard day too.

Day 16

I am thankful for my parents continued willingness to help me out with the kids!

Day 15

Today I was blessed with a wonderful gift. A young woman from our church donated a few hours of her time so that I could get out of the house for a little while. It was such a huge gift.

When she first approached me regarding this, I had a hard time accepting it. I am not good at accepting help, I tend to think that I can do everything myself and I don't want to be an inconvenience to anyone. But over the last 5 1/2 months, I have come to the realization that I cannot do it all on my own. Yes, God gives me the strength to do all of the things he has set before me, but he also provides people to help me out, to give me breaks.

So, tonight I am thankful for this young woman and her generous heart!

Day 14

I know that I have said it before, but I am so thankful for Lily and Wyatt. They keep me busy and they tire me out, but I love them so much! They make each day just a little better with their smiles, their giggles, their hugs and kisses, and their silliness. It is not easy to be an "only" parent, but it is worth it. They are the reason I am able to get out of bed each day and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I am thankful for these two precious gifts that God brought into our lives, two precious reminders of their wonderful daddy (especially little Miss Lily with her looks and personality).

Watching "George" in the morning is a must!

Little Bears Fans: following in Daddy's footsteps. "Touchdown"

Thanks Aunt Michele, Uncle Gary, and Emily for the new slippers! They are a big hit!

I am truly blessed!

Day 13

I am thankful that I was able to fill up under my gas tank for under $32.00! It was only a few months ago that it was costing us more than $64.00 to fill up the car. I am not good at staying home, so I am thankful that the cost of gas has come down (although I do realize it means that our economy is really yuck right now).

I am also thankful that for the way God has provided for our family financially since Ryan died. I know that times are very difficult financially for many people right now, but due to the way things have fallen, I do not have to "worry" about money right now. We are by no means rich, but I know that I will be able to pay my bills and feed my kids, so for that I am thankful!

20 Days of Gratitude: Day 12

Despite a day filled with temper tantrums and a lot of "NO!", we ended the night on a good note. Today I am thankful for friends from church. A couple from church came over and had dinner with us tonight. Then Shannon read TONS of books to the kids while Matt worked on some stuff with my computer. It was great having them over and getting to know them better, not to mention having adult conversation! Thanks for coming!

20 Days of Gratitude: Day 11

Today I was thankful for the opportunity to substitute teach. I had a great time with the 5th graders, who were much less intimidating than I thought they would be. The days get a little boring, but it is nice to be back in the classroom and interacting with students again.

I am also thankful that God gave me the strength to go and visit a friend in the hospital. (I have not been back to the hospital since Ryan left there in an ambulance on March 25.) I was a lot less emotional than I thought I would be and it was good be to able to be there for a friend!

20 Days of Gratitude: Day 10

Today I am thankful for Lily and Wyatt's giggles! They have been super silly since getting home from small group tonight. Even now I can hear them up in their beds laughing together!

20 Days of Gratitude: Days 8 & 9

I have to play catch up today because I was having way too much fun in Mishawaka yesterday! :)


Day 8 (Friday):
I am thankful for my friend, Valerie! She has been my friend for over 11 years now. She knows me better than any one else. She knows how to handle my moods. She knows how to make me laugh. I love when I get to spend time with her (which is way too rare)! I am thankful that she has found Dave. He makes her happy and she deserves to be happy. Dave is a great guy and I am so glad that I was finally able to meet him!

Val, you are the BEST and I love you!

Day 9 (Today):
As I drove home from Val's this morning, I was thinking about what I was grateful for today. To be honest, I was having a hard time coming up with anything. I was feeling sorry for myself. I was thinking about Val and her new found happiness (which I am very happy about myself!); it made me really miss Ryan. I miss being able to reach across to the passenger seat and hold his hand. I miss being able to look across the room and catch his eye just to get a smile. I miss having someone know exactly what I am thinking just by the look I give. I miss just having him here!


So, I decided that is what I am thankful for. I am thankful that I had someone so special in my life. Someone who wanted to hold my hand in the car. Someone who would smile at me across the room. Someone who could "read my mind" based on the look I was giving. Ryan was a huge blessing in my life that I too often took for granted. I am so thankful that he loved me so much for the short time we had together!

20 Days of Gratitude: Day 7

Today I am thankful for friends and, more specifically, for Kelly! I really appreciate your willingness to help me out with the kids so that I am able to have a little time to myself. You are PRICELESS!

20 Days of Gratitude: Day 6

Today I am thankful for my grief. That may sound like a strange thing to be thankful for, but it is true. It does not mean that I am thankful that Ryan is gone. Today has been a hard day. I have missed him tremendously. At points today I have wanted to scream because it has hurt so much. I still wonder what God's purpose was for taking Ryan to heaven rather than giving him his new lungs here. That being said, I am grateful for the way my grief is changing me. I have become stronger. I have changed how I view a lot of things in this world; it has changed how I view heaven. I hope that it is making me a better person. My grief has drawn me closer to my Savior and for that I am thankful.

I am also filled with gratitude towards the people at 5/3rd. I went to lunch today with one of the women from there. She brightened my day and she was genuinely excited to be spending time with us. We talked about Ryan. We laughed at Lily and Wyatt's antics. We just had a good time. The people at 5/3rd continue to overwhelm me with their love for our family.

20 Days of Gratitude: Day 5

Today I am thankful for opportunities to serve. I have enjoyed helping out at church with KidZone. I love when I am able to go and do the hands-on administrative work! I love to organize different things, so I am thankful for the opportunity to use those skills.

I am thankful that Lily and Wyatt are gaining so much independence. They are able to do so much for themselves now which is so helpful (although it does make me sad that they are growing SO quickly!). They are able to play creatively on their own, get into and out of bed without help, get their toys out as well as put them away. I am really enjoying this stage of their lives (even with the testing that comes with 2 year olds).

I am also thankful that Biggest Loser is back on tonight! :)

20 Days of Gratitude: Day 4

I am thankful for books. Lily and Wyatt love books, they love to read them and they love to be read to. We went to a playgroup today where they got a free book and participated in a lot of different activities. It is so great to see them growing and changing and learning to do new things.

I am also thankful for cozy blankets on cold days and I am thankful for nap time! I was able to curl up on the couch this afternoon while the kids were napping. I relaxed and watched a couple of episodes of West Wing (one of the shows my husband LOVED). I love to have that small period of downtime during the day!

20 Days of Gratitude

My friend, Kristen, was inspired by a friend to have 20 days of gratitude leading up to Thanksgiving. I thought it was a great idea, so I am going to follow suit. I will have to catch up because I should have started on Friday.

Here it goes:

Day 1 (Friday):
I am thankful for the wonderful friends and family that I have in Illinois! It was so good to be able to catch up and laugh about "the good ole days". I am thankful for the hugs of a faithful prayer warrior!

Day 2 (Saturday):
I am thankful for a new nephew who is a precious gift from God! It is wonderful to see a new little life.

I am thankful for God's protection in traveling on rain slicked roads while extremely tired. I am thankful for my parents and my sister (and family) being willing to sacrifice so that I can have moments of joy.

Day 3 (Sunday):
I am thankful for a church filled with loving people. I am thankful for a church that preaches the word of God. I am thankful for the HOPE that God's word gives to me even in the darkest times. I am thankful for songs of praise to our loving, heavenly Father!