Good Eats

Okay, I am going to try something with all of you, but I need audience participation or it will fail miserably.

I love cooking, I love trying new recipes. I have created another blog called Good Eats. You can go to it under links of interest on the right hand side of the blog. I want to share recipe ideas with you and have you share them with me. It would be best if they are simple and fairly kid friendly, but I am open to more ideas as well. You can email me (click on my profile) your favorite recipes and I can add them to the blog. I will organize them by category and then you can click on the category you are interested in and browse for an new idea.

I will be adding some recipes this afternoon when the kids nap.

Let me know what you think!

"camping"

My sister and her family, along with my aunt and uncle are camping this week. There is usually a group of my relatives that goes camping every August (this year the group is much smaller) and we usually go and visit for a day. This stretches me a lot because it disrupts our entire routine (i.e. no naps) and it is very dirty (those of you who know me well are laughing).

We had a great time! The campground is only about 30 minutes from home, so we arrived shortly after lunch. The kids played at the playground for awhile and then it got warm so we decided to go swimming. I figured that Lily would go in the water a little bit and that Wyatt would just sit in the sand, but they both just walked right in. By the end of the afternoon, Lily was walking in up to her shoulders. Wyatt went in up to his waist, but then there was an episode of "drinking" the water so his water adventures ended for awhile. They both enjoyed playing in the sand with Casey and Aunt April (Charlie was sleeping and Jack was kayaking with the "big boys") and filling up buckets with water to pour on peoples' legs. My mom, my aunt and I put our chairs in the water and enjoyed having our legs washed while enjoying the sun.

Later, Lily "helped" Aunt April clean the corn on the cob, while Wyatt relaxed in Aunt Paulette's chair. We played some games around the picnic table and Aunt Paulette had some toys in her trailer to play with as well. Of course, the kids are following the Holwerda tradition of bouncing on the inner tubes (something my sisters, cousins and I did as kids).

Click on the picture below to see a slideshow of our day "camping".

For Daddy

Yes, I know this is the 3rd post of the day, but it was too cute to ignore. I decided to try the kids' Bear's jerseys on from last year (thanks, Grammy). I did not think that there was anyway that they would fit, but they do -- yeah!

Ryan was a huge Bears fan and a huge football fan in general. I am sure that he is smiling to see Lily and Wyatt right now!

FYI: the Bears play tonight at 6:30 in case anyone cares :)

Family Life

I had the radio on today durning lunch with Lily and Wyatt. At noon every day there is a program on called Family Life Today (www.familylife.com). The speaker today was Ginger Plowman and she seemed to have really good, biblical ideas for parenting toddlers (and older kids too). Her specific topic today was on ineffective discipline -- wow, could I relate to some of what she was saying.

There are five topics for the week:

• Disciplining with Love
• Scolding -- An Angry Response to Misbehavior
• Dealing with Whining, Tattling and Sibling Rivalry
• Avoiding Traps of Ineffective Discipline
• No More Whining

I decided to order her Parenting Preschoolers Special Offer... hopefully it will help me be a better Mommy who loves and disciplines her children with the love of Christ.

No Greater Joy

I have no greater joy that to hear that my children are walking in the truth.

3 john 4

It is my heart's greatest desire to have Lily and Wyatt know my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I long for them to be in heaven one day with Jesus, Ryan and I. We read the Bible together every night, pray together throughout the day, and they love going to Tot Zone at church each Sunday where they hear a Bible story. I can't wait until they are 3 and they can go to Cubbies at Awana on Wednesday nights.

One thing we have been working on is learning the 10 Commandments. I recently bought a wall hanging of the 10 Commandments that has child friendly drawings. It hangs in their bedroom and they ask for me to read it to them often. They are now able to "fill in the blanks" for some of the commandments as I read them -- it makes my heart soar!

1. Love God with all your heart!
2. Praise and worship only God.
3. Keep God's name holy.
4. Remember to keep the Lord's day special.
5. Always obey your Mom and Dad.
6. Do not take another person's life.
7. Keep your body pure.
8. Don't take anything that does not belong to you.
9. Never tell a lie.
10. Don't be jealous of what others have.

(I know that these are not exact translations from the Bible, but they are true to the message and they are easier for kids to learn.)_________________________________________________

I love my kids. They are what makes it easier to get out of bed each day. They almost always bring a smile to my face (except when they rip pages out of books....). Today they helped me dust the house. They both walked around for about 20 minutes using my Swiffer Dusters...so cute!

Lily can now wear real pony tails --Adorable!!!!

Tears

I have cried so much the last few days. I have felt the pain of Ryan's death more and more as the summer has gone on. All of the numbing shock is gone and the full reality of life has set in. Ryan is not here. He is not coming back. I can't call him and tell him what I am feeling. I miss his gentle reassurance when my world is out of control. I miss just being with him.

My emotions hit me in unexpected waves. I can often control my emotions when I am out, crying only in the house when the kids are in bed and I am alone. Today, I cannot seem to be strong enough to keep it together. I cried after my property manager asked how I was doing. I cried at the place I had my finger prints taken because I encountered a medical situation that was a vivid reminder of Ryan. I cried when a complete stranger was nice to me. I cried when I received an email telling me that someone was praying for me today.

I cried out to God and told him I didn't know how I was going to do this by myself.

God's response: Literally moments after my prayer through my tears, my sweet son, Wyatt, walked in the room and gave me a hug. He climbed in my lap and just started patting me to comfort me. He had been playing in the other room with Lily. He had not seen me crying today, yet God used him in that moment to remind me that I am not alone. God is here with me hearing my cries and He has given me two precious reminders of Ryan.

Today has not been easy. God knows that I am hurting. Jesus knows what it is like to cry. God's grace is sufficient and his mercies are new every morning, I will take comfort in those things today and hope for a better tomorrow.

Housing

I have decided that for the time being we will be staying in our townhouse. I am not very excited about this, but I don't think that there is any way out of our lease agreement. I don't understand all the legal jargon, but I think that we are "stuck" for now.

I am sure that God has intended this for a reason. I will be stretched as I continue to live here at the townhouse -- the landlord is great, the house is doable, the neighbors are what stresses me out. Thankfully Lily and Wyatt are young enough that it is not too much of an issue. It will probably be good for us to continue getting used to life without Ryan in a place that is familiar (although Ryan only lived here 5 days); it keeps us really close to my parents and our church too.

Our lease is up at the end of March, so until then we will be here...

The Blitz

Tonight we went to The Blitz at church (with Nana and Papa). The Blitz was a big event for kids to promote the different activities and groups for kids during the school year. They served a hot dog dinner followed by a magician (who shared the gospel as well as entertained the kids).

Then everyone headed outside for ice cream, cotton candy, face painting, fire trucks, fire hoses, and blow up activities. Lily and Wyatt had gotten bored during the magician so we headed outside early. It was great. We went down the HUGE blow up slide four times (I went 2x's with each kid), because no one else was outside yet. Then we got to sit inside the fire truck and spray the fire hose. The kids loved it (except the noise of the fire truck)!

The kids got to actually spray the fire hose (Wyatt sprayed it too, but it was before I got the camera out of the car). Lily thought that it was great to splash in the hose and get all wet!

Here is a picture of the kids and I in front of the fire truck. The engine was running and it was really loud. We also sat inside the fire truck which they thought was great (again, the camera was still in the car).

These are the pictures that I got of the slide. It really was huge. Both Lily and Wyatt loved going down the slide and who have gone down many, many times if Mommy could have carried them up anymore.

New Opportunity

Today I started the process to begin substitute teaching. I think this will be a good opportunity for me to get my "teacher fix" while also giving myself a break from mommy-hood. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a stay at home mom. I think it is the best job in the world and I am glad that we are in a position where I can continue staying home.

Teaching was a career that I greatly enjoyed, but I don't think I could ever go back to it full time. It was something that I gave 100% to and I don't know how I would manage that while being a mom. I am hoping to sub only one day a week, maybe two. I choose a school that I am very familiar with -- it is the elementary school that I actually attended. There are still many teachers there who actually taught me --crazy! I have missed being in the classroom, so I am looking forward to this opportunity.

On a side note: The laptop is still out of commission. I have tried turning it on two different times. Both times I was able to use it for about an hour and then it would just shut off again. It is being looked at by a family friend; hopefully he will at least be able to recover the information off the hard drive (i.e. pictures and videos). I am not sure what I am going to do as far as buying a new one is concerned. I have gotten used to the desk top, but it is older and doesn't always work quite right.

Time and Memories

I have a good memory. It used to drive Ryan crazy how much I could remember little things -- got him in trouble a few times :) I wish now that my memory was not as good. It's mainly dates that bother me. It seems that almost every day of the month has some association with Ryan -- good or bad.

Yesterday marked 5 months since Ryan had to be put on a ventilator. Tomorrow marks 5 months since Ryan was transferred to U of M. 5 months ago I was scared, anxious, sad, but still hopeful for new lungs. I walked around in a daze trying to figure out what was real. I think God blessed me with a little ignorance during those early days. I didn't fully comprehend what Ryan's being on a ventilator would mean. I had no idea where our journey would go.

I remember being in his hospital room with him after he was first put on the ventilator and sedated. I was alone. His family was on their way. Lily and Wyatt were with my parents. Ryan looked so different to me. He started coughing, but there was no sound -- it scared me. I am thankful for the hospital staff who were gracious enough to explain things to me as I cried by his bed.

There have been so many emotions in the past five months: from devastation to elation, from great joy to great sorrow. I miss Ryan greatly, but I am thankful that God has been faithful through it all.

Elmo "Happy" Cake

Lily and Wyatt have a great love of Elmo even though they do NOT like Sesame Street. I had bought Elmo plates and napkins back in March in anticipation of their 2nd birthday. I was planning on making them an Elmo cake too. Due to Ryan getting sick and being transfer to U of M, we were unable to have a birthday celebration for Lily and Wyatt.

We were supposed to have a visit this weekend from Patty, Stefanie, and Daniel. Daniel just turned two and also likes Elmo, so I decided to make the Elmo cake for the three 2 year olds. Unfortunately, Daniel got sick so they were unable to come. Lily and Wyatt were already looking forward to Elmo "Happy" Cake, so I decided to make the cake anyway. Lily and Wyatt were very excited when they saw him finished -- they enjoyed eating the "happy" cake too!

Thanks, Kelly, for all of your help with the frosting! Thanks, Lori, for letting me borrow the pan!

This Week In Pictures

Tractors at the Hudsonville Fair

Horses at the Fair

A toad outside our front door -- I was a brave Mommy and showed it to Lily and Wyatt. (I HATE reptiles and amphibians!)

Playdoh with Tody & Beggin (Wyatt's way of saying Cody and Megan).

A beautiful sunrise...God's masterpiece!

I HATE...

the fact that 6 months ago today we were at U of M finishing up Ryan's transplant evaluation. Why didn't we get there sooner?

They Grow SO Fast!

I decided that since I have currently "lost" all of the pictures on our laptop, I would make sure that I could access the older pictures from our desktop (2003-2006) by creating web albums on Picasa.

I thought that it would be fun to include a slideshow of Lily and Wyatt on the blog from birth to about 6 months (warning: there are over 400 pics). Many of you did not know our family back then so I thought you might enjoy seeing the twins so small and Mommy and Daddy looking really, really tired!



God has truly blessed my life with two wonderful little children -- they have really been great from the start. It is overwhelming to realize that I am responsible not only for their physical well being, but their spiritual well being too. I know that I should not complain, because as far as 2 year olds go Lily and Wyatt are really good kids. (I know God blessed me when he gave Lily and Wyatt the personalities that they have.) For the most part, they listen and obey and when they don't, they usually respond to discipline.

The burden of being a single mom has been on my heart over the past few days as I deal with disciplining two 2 year olds -- what is best? what will get to their hearts? I wish that Ryan was here to help me decide what is best for the kids, what each of their personalities will respond too. I am thankful for a heavenly Father to guide me as I parent. I am also thankful for the wisdom of friends and family as I face "trials" in parenting.

A Bad and Good Day

Yesterday was both a bad day and a good day rolled into one.

The bad part was made up of two different things:

First, I had found a house online that is adorable! Loved the pictures; loved the neighborhood; loved the school district; loved the price. It is HUGE -- almost 1800 square feet on the main floor (that is big compared to the 1100 sq. ft. we have on 2 levels now). It is only a two bedroom, but I figured I could eventually have my dad put an egress window in the basement and build a 3rd bedroom(don't think brother and sister should share forever). Only one small problem with that....no basement. It is a brick house in Michigan with no basement....

Secondly, I was on the laptop yesterday afternoon and enjoying some lemonade. Unfortunately the stand that the computer was on had a malfunction and the lemonade spilled all over the keyboard of the laptop (yes, I am aware that you are not supposed to have beverages by computers). It started typing funny at first and then it just shut off. The Geek Squad guy at Best Buy was not very encouraging when I called to ask what to do -- his solution was to buy a new laptop. He told me I could try letting it dry out for a few days, but.... The good news is he thought they would be able to save the information (i.e. my 100's of pictures) from my hard drive.

Now for the good part of my day:

First, I took the kids to our local fair for the first time with a friend. Wyatt LOVED the tractors, but was crying and shaking around all of the different farm animals. Lily, of course, was loving everything, but limited by Wyatt not wanting to even enter the animal barns :) We ended up spending a lot of time climbing on tractors! :) It is always fun to try new things, even if they aren't a complete success.

Second, I had a great time last night with the girls! They came over and we had some girl time with NO kids -- yeah. I am continue to be so grateful to God for the wonderful people he has put into my life. Thanks, Girls!

One Year Ago

It has been one year since my dear friend Valerie's life was turned upside-down. It was one year ago today that her dad was welcomed into heaven very unexpectedly. It has been one year since the beginning of Val's grief journey. My heart hurts for her and her family today.

Val has amazing faith in our loving, heavenly Father. She has walked this path of grief with faith beyond measure. She has endured a difficult, trying year with great strength. Val's faith has been a terrific example to me: she has taught me how to desire God more; she has taught me to love God more.

I am thankful for my friend who is a testimony to God's faithfulness even in grief!

Valerie, I love you and I am praying for God to fill you with his strength today. Thank you for the example you are to me, thank you for being my friend and thank you for walking beside me as I journey down my own path of grief. I am so blessed to have you in my life!

We have enjoyed spending a lot of time with Nana this week because Papa is working in Iowa to repair some of the tornado destruction. Lily and Wyatt have missed their Papa, but it has been nice to have Nana around -- another adult at meals is great! We will be spoiled for another week because Papa isn't coming home until next week Saturday.

We have done a lot of shopping for fall clothes for Lily and Wyatt. Wyatt picked out a fire truck shirt that he LOVES -- he even wanted me to take his picture in it. Lily loves anything pink, so her wardrobe will be full of pink this fall!

The kids have been really cute playing together lately. Here is a video of them outside on the slide on Thursday...they love each other! There is also a video at the end of Lily and all of her silliness. Enjoy!

Note: For those of you wondering about naps, we have had continued success with napping in separate rooms -- 2 or 2 1/2 hours each day!

Well-Rested Toddlers + Relaxed Mommy = Happier Home

Missing Ryan Today

I am really missing Ryan today. I am not sure why today, but more today than yesterday.

I miss him as I hear the story of an older couple growing old together and caring for one another.

I miss him as I see the Cubs doing so well...."Next Year is Here" (.... is Ryan their angel in the outfield?)

I miss him as I see Fantasy Football magazines in stores.

I miss him as I enjoy the "perfect" summer weather...weather he could actually have enjoyed with the kids.

Nap Time Revisited

Yes, I know this is my third post of the day, but I thought you should know how nap time ended up.

The kids fell asleep very fast.
About 45 minutes into their nap, Wyatt woke up crying for Lily.
I was of no use to him so I let him cry it out.
About 75 minutes into nap time, Lily woke up crying and saying "all done."
I asked her if she wanted to sleep in her bed and she said yes.
I told her to be quiet because Wyatt was sleeping.
(I know, I know, what was I thinking?)
She stayed quiet -- until I laid her in bed.
She then started SCREAMING.
She woke Wyatt up.
He then started SCREAMING.
With two screaming toddlers I decided to walk out of the room and close the door.
Crying stopped after about 5 minutes.
Napping lasted for over 2 1/2 hours total.
YIPPEE!

Nap Time

There are many great things about having twins: built in playmates, constant entertainment, and abundant blessings. Nap time is not one of those blessings, at least not at our house. Nap time stresses me out because Lily and Wyatt feed off each other and will laugh, giggle, scream, jump, and bang on walls for an hour or more sometimes. They don't usually cry, but they definitely don't fall asleep right away either. (I also found out two days ago that my neighbor can hear them and her little boy naps in the room on the other side of the wall.)


Today I decided to try separating them for nap time. Wyatt is in his crib and Lily is in the pack and play in my room. Lily was very excited about sleeping in her "bed" and willingly climbed the stairs to my room. Wyatt was excited for bed too, until he realized it would not be with Lily. I put her down first and then went to the kids' room to adjust the blinds and curtains. Wyatt headed back to my door and cried for his Lily. As I put him in his bed he was crying for Lily and screaming "no, Lily, no!" They both cried for the first few minutes; Wyatt calling for Lily and Lily calling for Boo. But now, all is QUIET and they have only been upstairs for about 15 minutes -- YEAH!!!!!!!!!

I am so thankful that they love each other -- what more can a mom ask for?

It's Been a Few Days

It has been a few days since I last posted. We have been busy, but not with anything in particular. We have been enjoying some visitors as well as the BEAUTIFUL weather.

I have also started "cleaning out" Ryan's things -- mainly the boxes and boxes of medical supplies that have been sitting around the house. It is a weird feeling to go through his things. I don't know that I am ready to get rid of everything yet, but at the same time I am the complete opposite of a pack rat. It is also a daunting task because his stuff is spread through three houses (we are still storing stuff at my parents' and my grandma's houses).

The fact that our stuff is located in three houses drives me crazy and leads me to a prayer request. I have been contemplating buying a house. It is overwhelming to think about moving again, but I hate renting when I know that buying is a much better financial decision. It then becomes overwhelming to think about what to buy: a condo with someone else responsible for lawn care and snow removal or a house with more room, but more responsibility. I would love to be able to move into a house, but I am not a lawn person and I hate shoveling snow. AHHH. Please pray for wisdom, patience, and doors to open and close.

MORE PICTURES:

We had a great visit with Papa Steve (Lily and Wyatt's new name for Grandpa Steve). He joined us out for dinner on Saturday night where Lily and Wyatt got chocolate milk for the first time (LOVED IT!). He stayed through Sunday afternoon and the kids loved, loved, loved playing with their Papa.

CHOCOLATE MILK!!!!

I know I already posted about the zoo, but he had taken some cute pictures on his computer so I am including those here.

Lily was very excited about seeing one of the animals. Wyatt and I were watching the spider monkeys together.

Sunday evening another visitor arrived at our house. Jamiee and I lived together after I got out of college and before Ryan and I got married. We had lost touch, but she found me through facebook while Ryan was at U of M. We had a fun time just doing "normal" things. The kids had a great time playing with Jamiee.

Lily and Jamiee working on a masterpiece with sidewalk chalk.

Wyatt and Lily enjoyed coloring in the different pictures that I drew for them -- then they would say "Ut-oh". Wyatt was actually telling me not to take his picture, but I think it is better to say he was showing me his chalk :)

Movies, Movies, and More Movies

I was "cleaning out" our video camera today and I found a few movies that have not been shown before.


My favorite is one that includes Ryan that I didn't even remember taking. It was taken the day that Ryan came home from Spectrum in March. Since he had to spend his birthday in the hospital he ended up getting a few balloons. Lily and Wyatt had so much fun playing with those balloons together.

Daddy's Birthday Balloons

This is a video from June soon after we moved back into the townhouse. Jumping was something that the kids started learning to do while Ryan and I were at U of M. They aren't great at jumping in this video, but they sure are funny!

Lulu and Boo

Here is a video collection of the last week with the kiddos playing outside. They have enjoyed being outside this summer.

Summer Silliness

The last video is from our trip to the zoo today. It is very short and not very good, but I thought that some of you might enjoy it anyway. We were watching the spider monkeys from up above. If you listen carefully you can hear Lily making monkey noises.

Little Monkeys

Here are some pictures from our time at the zoo. Grandpa Steve came to visit for the weekend, so we thought that the zoo would be a fun treat for the kids. Lily was actually more hesitant at the zoo than Wyatt, which really surprised me. Neither of the kids was as excited about the animals as I thought they would be. Their favorite seemed to be the tiger, but I didn't get any pictures because I was holding Wyatt the whole time.

Wyatt and Lily looking at the lily pads. Lily and Grandpa looking at the llamas.

Lily and Wyatt looking at the spider monkeys.

The brown bear (which they did not like at all) and the apes. All of the animals seemed very lazy today.

Happy Cake, Owies, and Tattoos

Here are some random pictures from our week that I have not had the opportunity to post until now.

Papa and his grandkids on his birthday. Wyatt would not sit on the couch to have his picture taken with everyone else, so I had to sit on the floor behind the couch and lift him up when my mom counted to 3...

Here is a picture of Lily and Wyatt with Papa the day after his birthday...Wyatt would sit for this picture because I was taking the picture.

Lily and Wyatt enjoyed Papa's "Happy Cake" -- they actually liked the chocolate frosting best!

"Owie. Boom. Park." Lily's description of her knee.

(This is a 1st for the Sweeney 4; in 28 months Lily and Wyatt have never had a skinned knee until now.)

Wednesday night we went to a carnival at my sister's church. The kids BOTH enjoyed getting their hands painted (butterfly and tractor) and getting their first tattoos. They also had fun playing a little fishing game and getting balloon animals.

Ryan Videos

It was suggested to me that I make a track of Ryan's laughter to play on the blog. Ryan had a great laugh and he laughed ALL the time. I have no idea how to actually make a track of Ryan's laughter, but I did go through and label all of the videos that included Ryan laughing or interacting with the kids and I in some way. My two favorites are from October 24, 2007 and January 16, 2008. I must admit that he very rarely makes a visual appearance in the videos -- that is a huge regret that I have now, but I cannot change it.

If you are interested in watching some or all of them, simply scroll down until you reach the label section on the right side of the blog. Click on "Ryan Video" and it should take you to all of the videos.

Enjoy!

The Purpose of Life

This was sent to me by one of the blog readers, thanks Danielle. I thought that it was a great way to look at life and what God has in store for us here. It is a good reminder that this life is only temporary and then we will be called to eternity.

You will enjoy the new insights that Rick Warren has, with his wife now having cancer and him having "wealth" from the book sales. This is an absolutely incredible short interview with Rick Warren, "Purpose Driven Life " author and pastor of Saddleback Church in California

In the interview by Paul Bradshaw with Rick Warren, Rick said:

People ask me, What is the purpose of life? And I respond: In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven.

One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body--but not the end of me. I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act - the dress rehearsal. God wants; us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity.

We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense.

Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one.
The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort.
God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy.

We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness.

This past year has been the greatest year of my life but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer.

I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore. Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life.

No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on. And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something
good you can thank God for.

You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems.

If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness,"which is my problem, my issues, my pain." But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others.

We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her. It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people, given her a
testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people.

You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life.

Actually, sometimes learning to deal with the good is harder. For instance, this past year, all of a sudden, when the book sold 15 million copies, it made me instantly very wealthy. It also brought a lot of notoriety that I had never had to deal with before. I don't think God gives you money or notoriety for your own ego or for you to live a life of ease.

So I began to ask God what He wanted me to do with this money, notoriety and influence. He gave me two different passages that helped me decide what to do, II Corinthians 9 and Psalm 72

First, in spite of all the money coming in, we would not change our lifestyle one bit. We made no major purchases. Second, about midway through last year, I stopped taking a salary from the church. Third, we set up foundations to fund an initiative we call The Peace Plan to plant churches, equip leaders, assist the poor, care for the sick, and educate the next generation.
Fourth, I added up all that the church had paid me in the 24 years since I started the church, and I gave it all back. It was liberating to be able to serve God for free.

We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity? Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)?

When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don't get any thing else done today, I want to know You more and love You better. God didn't put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do. That's why we're called human beings, not human doings.

Happy moments, PRAISE GOD.
Difficult moments, SEEK GOD.
Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD.
Painful moments, TRUST GOD.
Every moment, THANK GOD.

Two Months

Today it has been two months since Ryan died. It still hurts each day, sometimes more than others. I wish there was a way to stop time, but life continues on. Lily and Wyatt continue to grow up and learn to do new things that Ryan won't see -- I think that is the hardest thing about life going on.

Yesterday we went to the cemetery. I have only taken the kids one other time. They were so cute. They "helped" me tend to the flowers and then they just ran and laughed "by Daddy". I am sure that it would make Ryan smile.

God has continued to provide for us in unbelievable ways:

Financially:

• Ryan's life insurance check came (on our 5 year anniversary).
• Because of the life insurance: I have been able to pay off all debt; get us a new van that is much more suitable for the kids and I, as well as taking Nana and Papa and all of our visitors with us; and set up a trust fund to meet all the needs of Lily, Wyatt and myself for the future.
• The generous gifts of our friends and family are being set up into a college fund for Lily and Wyatt.
• Social Security benefits have been established for the kids and I allowing me to stay at home with Lily and Wyatt -- something that Ryan and I had desired before we ever had the twins.

Emotionally:

• Friends and family continue to support us, love us, and take care of us.
• We have had TONS of visitors, making the summer go fast.
• People who gone through grief have come into my life to help me walk this road.

As we continue to walk this road, we still need a lot of prayers. The kids do not understand why they can't go visit Daddy. This morning Lily started crying when I said that we couldn't go see Daddy. I struggle with being a single mom and making the right choices about parenting (a daunting task with two parents). Thanks for loving us through our sadness!

Old Post Made New

When I was at Grandpa Tom's Memorial Service on Friday I was talking with Ryan's Aunt Cathy. She asked me about an old video of the kids in the tub. I found it tonight. It makes me smile, not only because of Lily and Wyatt, but because I get to hear Ryan laugh and interact with the kids. Enjoy!

One of Those Days...

Today is one of those days where I am struck with the reality of life. The reality that Ryan is never coming home. I look around the house and see little reminders of him. I back out of a friend's driveway wanting to call and tell him about my morning only to remind myself that there will be no answer on his cell phone. I make the grocery list and no longer add the little treats that he loved to eat.

Lily and Wyatt love to look at the picture of Ryan reading them their Bible; it breaks my heart because it won't happen anymore. He won't sit outside on a nice afternoon after work and watch them play in the pool like he did last summer. He won't have to listen to the "Bob" songs in the car. Lily and Wyatt should not have to learn a little song about Daddy in heaven where he is happy and healthy.

I just want to hear his voice. I just want to hold his hand or get a hug. I just want him to walk through the door and be home for the night. I just want him to sit and eat dinner with us. I just want to listen to him breath at night as he sleeps. I just wish he could have gone kayaking or celebrated my Dad's birthday with the family.

I wish that I had not taken all of those things for granted. I wish that I had not gotten annoyed at all the little, stupid things and just enjoyed the moments. I wish that I could go back and change so many things.

I know that Ryan is happy and healthy in heaven. I know that what he is experiencing now is so much better than new lungs would have been, but I miss him so much.

I know that God will take care of me, of us, but I just wish it could be different.

Pool Time Video

Here is some of the video of Lily and Wyatt playing in the pool together (pictures in the previous post). I love how their personalities shine through as they interact together. Wyatt cracks me up as he says, "Ouch, Ouch" when Lily pours water on him or splashes him. Lily makes me smile when she pours water on herself.

I continue to thank God for the wonderful blessing that they are in my life!

Remember to scroll to the bottom of the blog and pause the music so you can hear the kids.

Pool Time

I decided that since it is already August I should probably get the pool out for Lily and Wyatt. It has taken me so long for a few reasons: we don't have a hose or hose hook-up so I have to fill the pool by hand, Wyatt hates big pools and sometimes his bath, and we have been really busy.

Lily was very excited when I told her about the pool after naps; Wyatt was more hesitant, but they both got in the bathing suits (for the 2nd time this summer). Lily climbed right into the pool when we got outside. Wyatt didn't want to go in, but I put him in anyway and they both loved it! They even took turns pouring water over each others' heads.

Enjoy the pictures now and I will try and post the video later.

Smilebox

I discovered a new website tonight, called Smilebox (www.smilebox.com). It allows you to create scrapbooks online for "free". As with all free things there are actually hidden costs, but I could make a basic album for free. Here is the one that I made for Wyatt. Hopefully Lily's will be joining tomorrow, but I need some sleep so it won't happen anymore tonight. Let me know what you think!

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Can anyone recommend a good, somewhat cheap, online, digital scrapbook site? I have enjoyed scrapbooking in the past, but I am beginning to think that doing it on the computer would be more my style right now...less mess, quicker, no running to the store to get just the right sticker.... I want to be able to have it printed so that it will last and the kids will be able to have "real" albums.

Happy 60th Birthday, Dad!

Happy 6oth Birthday, Dad!

Today is my Dad's 60th birthday. One thing that my Dad loves doing is kayaking, so the entire family (minus Lily and Wyatt) went kayaking this morning on the Rogue River in Rockford, MI. This was the first time that I have ever been kayaking. It was very fun although my arms are really tired from having my niece and nephew take turns riding with me. All of the kids did great and I think the ice cream at the end was worth the patience of riding in a kayak or canoe for 2 hours.

A picture of Dad and Mom and a picture of the grandkids: Anna 6, Casey 3, Jack 6, Charlie 2, Noah 4

The Hayes Family took a canoe so they could all ride together. The Palmbos Family was in two separate kayaks; April always managed to avoid the pictures.

This is a picture of us getting started and a picture of me to prove that I was actually kayaking.

Everyone enjoyed ice cream after the long trip!