A Heart of Worship

Life does not goes as planned. That is a fact that I have learned all to well over the last three years. There are so many times when I wish that things would go the way that I want them to and that "my" plans would work out. There are so many times when I wish that I knew what God was up to.

I know that God knows best and I know that His plan is better than mine. I know that God can see the big picture and that I can only see a tiny speck of that picture. I have been reminded by some wonderful friends over the last few weeks that God is enough. And that God sees it all. They have encouraged me to keep my mind focused on the things above -- when I do it helps so much!

Each time I have been discouraged lately I have been trying to have a heart of worship. I have been reciting Zephaniah 3:17 over and over in my head...turning up praise and worship music really loud doesn't hurt either! :)

The Lord your God is with you,

He is mighty to save.

He will take great delight in you,

He will quiet you with his love,

He will rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3:17

August in Pictures

It has been almost a month since I have written anything on the blog. It is definitely not because we have had nothing going on -- we have been BUSY! During August we:

went to swimming lessons.
spent a day at a cottage with a friend.
went to the zoo with friends.
enjoyed a night at the local fair.
attended our church's annual KidZone Blitz.
had a visit from Grammy and Auntie Amanda.
spent time being silly.
created a countdown to preschool.
had a sprinkling system installed.

The greatest joy in my life also happened during August: Lily and Wyatt both asked Jesus to live in their hearts!

God's Ways

UPDATED: SEE BOTTOM OF POST

God's ways are not my ways -- His ways are infinitely better than any thing I could ever ask or imagine.

Due to Ryan's cystic fibrosis we had to use the IVF process to get pregnant -- a decision that blessed our lives richly with Lily and Wyatt. We began that process 5 years ago and there were several embryos created. It took us two tries to get pregnant using 7 embryos (I think) and we were left with 7 more embryos that have been frozen ever since.

During Ryan's hospital stay at U of M, we talked about the possibility of trying to get pregnant again after he got his new lungs. We both enjoyed being parents and the thought of having more children was exciting to us -- especially with likely hood of Ryan having more energy and the ability to be an even more hands-on dad.

But, God's ways are not our ways and things did not end up as we had hoped or dreamed.

Along with facing the loss of my husband and the new role as an only parent, I was also facing a big decision about what to do with my 7 unborn children. I LOVE being a mom, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I would love to have more children, but for me I knew that trying to have more children on my own was not what God would have me to do.

According to the fertility clinic that my embryos were stored at I had 4 options:

1. Destroy the embryos (so NOT an option for me! Life begins at conception, I wanted no part of destroying 7 lives).
2. Donating the embryos for scientific research (also NOT an option for me!)
3. Donating the embryos to another infertile couple.
4. Going through the IVF process again myself.

When looking at the list, I knew that I really had only one option -- thankfully it was an option that Ryan and I had discussed so I knew that I had his blessing in this decision. I knew that I needed to give these unborn babies a chance at life through donating them to another couple. I looked into a few options for donating the embryos, but never felt that they were completely right for me. Many of the options were very costly for the adopting family and I didn't want any family to have to feel a financial burden through adopting these babies.

This is where God's ways really start to amaze me! Through my blog I met a friend who wanted to add to her family. She was going through infertility treatments and had found embryo adoption. When she became pregnant through embryo adoption she started posting about it on her blog and there was a night last November I commented on her blog about being "on the other side." My comment was read by another of her blog readers -- she and her husband were just beginning to look into embryo adoption with the hopes of increasing the number of children in their family. She tried to ignore the prompting of the Holy Spirit to contact me, but after a few hours and some time spent reading my blog, she decided that she would email me.

This wonderful, godly woman shared with me a little about her family. She and her husband had children, but they felt called to have more children and they were open to adoption (both traditional and embryo). She shared with me about her experience with grief -- a connection that I could relate to in so many ways. She was wondering if my embryos might be a possibility for her family. (I am sure that sounds crazy to many of you, but I thought that it just might be the possibility I was hoping for.) We both agreed to pray about it, seek godly counsel, and contact one another again in a week.

All doors seemed to be opening. She and her family shared many of my beliefs from their thoughts on when life begins to how salvation is reached -- both tremendously important things in my life. She shared with me her heart for her family, the methods they use for discipline, and the way they incorporate Christ in their daily lives. I was so blessed to see that we lined up in all these things -- honestly, it was such a God-thing!

As time went on, we were moving forward with the process, but there were some (really good, but difficult) things that came up in their lives that complicated the matter. We had to decide to put this on hold or call it all off for the time being. I was disappointed. I had really felt like this family was an answer to my prayers for my unborn children. She and I stayed in contact with one another through emails and our blogs -- they are all so wonderful!

As the 2 year anniversary of Ryan's death came nearer, I really felt the need to move forward with donating the embryos. I was not sure what exactly I was going to do, so I decided to contact this woman one more time. In my email I told her there was no pressure for them, but I personally needed to move forward in this process. I asked her and her husband to pray about it and get back to me. If they were not in a place to do the adoption that would have been fine, God would have provided another godly couple to raise these children.

After a few weeks, she contacted me and told me that they would like to adopt all 7 of my embryos and a whirlwind began. There have been legal contracts, blood draws, and trips across the country to give these children a chance at life! All of the embryos were thawed to see how they would do -- 3 survived, 4 did not. 3 were implanted -- and through God's amazing ways this wonderful family is expecting a new baby in their family!

There have been difficult moments along this journey. There has been a whole new chapter of grief as I have had to give up my dream of being a mom again. But there has been an amazing peace through this whole process as well. God's ways are not my ways -- they are more than I could ever ask or imagine.

THE ADOPTING FAMILY HAD THEIR ULTRASOUND TODAY -- THERE IS ONE LITTLE LIFE THRIVING! PRAISE GOD FOR THIS WONDERFUL BLESSING!

Lessons from a Tomato Plant

My tomato plant looks TERRIBLE! The leaves are all yellow, brown and shriveling up. The stems seem to be sagging. It just looks weary.

But it is still bearing fruit.

I have felt like my life has kind of been reflected by my tomato plant lately. Yes, I realize that sounds really odd, but each morning when I go out to water my plant I just think it looks the way that I feel. I have been feeling worn out and tired over the last few days and weeks. The kids have been more challenging and needing me to be consistent in disciple. They have both had colds and have not been sleeping well, which leads to mom not sleeping well. I have really felt the "burden" of being the only parent. I have just felt weary.

God continues to teach me about his goodness and faithfulness in these difficult times. He continues to give me the strength to get through each day -- His strength has been the ONLY explanation lately. He has blessed me with people who are: praying for me, with people who have come over to help out with some of the daily routines, and with my parents taking the kids for a few hours so I could just have some time to do what I needed to do.

It is my hope and my prayer that each day as I seek God and get filled from His word I will still be able to bear His fruit in my weariness.

so many thoughts...

There are so many thoughts running through my head these days.

God has been teaching me a lot.

I have been learning a lot.

There have been tears.

There has been laughter and smiles.

There have been moments of feeling unsettled.

There have been moments of great contentment.

And through it all...God is GOOD!

Am I Listening?

On Sunday I was challenged by the message from our pastor to be listening for God to speak. It was a good message and a great reminder that God does speak to us through his words and through his Spirit. I just have to remember to be open and to be listening when God does speak to me.

Even before hearing the message on Sunday I had been feeling as though God had been speaking directly to my heart. I have been praying some very specific prayers and the answers He is continually sending are so overwhelming to me! God is so good. He is so faithful. It brings me to tears often as I think about all that He has done for me.

I have also found that in this time of closeness with God I am facing battles that are from Satan. I am being stretched and challenged as a parent in ways that I have not been before. I feel like Satan is attempting to get me to give up and give in to my sinful nature. I have been spending a lot of time studying the fruits of the Spirit and the armor of God in my quiet time. It is my greatest desire to bear the fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control to those I come in contact with. Lily and Wyatt see me more than any one else and I want to be an example to them of what God calls us to be. Some days it is just so difficult! It is all about the process I suppose. Am I improving just a little bit each day? Am I seeking God when the difficulties arise? Am I praising Him in the struggles I am facing?

This morning I was also reflecting on what the past 2+ years have been like. They have not been easy, but I can see that I have gained much from all that I have gone through. There is nothing that has drawn me to a closer walk with Jesus than the struggles of being a single mom and widow. There have been moments of feeling helpless, alone, afraid, scared, and overwhelmed. There are still those moments. But in all honesty, I do not think I would change things. I am thankful for who I am becoming in Christ. I am thankful that my heart has been changed. I am thankful for the different perspective of life that I have.

God is good.

Moving Forward

I feel like I am moving forward. I am only a few days into year three, but some major things that have needed closure since Ryan's death are finally being taken care of. Moving forward is a good feeling even though it sometimes requires heartache and struggle. God has definitely used the challenges of the last 2+ years to stretch me and grow me. I am grateful for the bumps in the road because they do not allow me to grow stagnant -- they force me to press on and to rely on my heavenly Father. He is so, so good!

Two Years with Jesus

Two years with Jesus in such different ways:
It has been two years since Ryan was called home to Jesus.
It has been two years of relying on Jesus alone to get through each day.

Ryan is spending eternity in the presence of the King.
He is breathing free.
He experiences no pain, no suffering, no sorrow, no sadness.
He has received the reward of his heavenly crown.
He no longer has to be concerned with the daily grind of life.
He is not stressed about finances, work, the stock market, or the Cubs.
He is healthy and happy.

Two years with Jesus has been much different for me.
I have longed to be in the presence of my King.
I have worried about having the strength to get through each day.
My days have been a mixtures of sadness and joy.
I have felt pain, suffering, and sorrow.

Even though the past two years have not been easy, I know that Jesus has been with me. He is the reason that I have made it through the last 730 days. Even though there is pain and heartache in my life, there is much joy as well. Jesus has blessed me with two beautiful children -- two wonderful reminders of their daddy. He has blessed me with caring family and friends. He has provided for all of our needs. He will continue to help me get through each day of this next year just as he has helped me get through each day of the last two years.

Lessons from Out on a Limb

This past weekend I had the privilege of attending a Beth Moore Living Proof Ministries conference with my good friend, Val (and 7,298 other women from 24 states). It was a refreshing weekend. It was a needed retreat. It was a heart opening message for me.

Beth's theme focused on trees and she used different scripture references to make her point. The most impacting aspect of the conference for me was Friday night when her focus was from Jotham's Fable in Judges 9. She talked about the different trees being different types of kings in our lives. The olive tree = religious life, the fig tree = indulgences, the grape vine = intoxication, and the thorn bush = our struggles, trials, etc.

I had never really thought about the fact that my struggles could be the king of my life -- who would want to worship the struggles they are facing. But what I took away from her teaching wasn't that you worship your struggles, but that you focus on them so much that you lose focus of your real KING and what He is doing in your life through those struggles. It was a wake up call for me to realize I was focusing too much on the difficulties in my life and not on what God is doing through them. I was becoming resentful of some of the challenges I have to face and not embracing them as a way for God to continue His good work in me. I am so thankful for God's grace and mercy and patience as I take my time in learning and growing in Him.

Here is a video from the weekend!

Living Proof Live - Grand Rapids from Rich Kalonick on Vimeo.

Jesus, You are Lord of All!

Real Life

I look forward to my quiet times on Sunday mornings. I take a break from my usual study and read the weekly devotional from Devotions for Sacred Parenting by Gary L. Thomas. This book was given to us when I was pregnant with Lily and Wyatt. At the time, a lot of the things that were written didn't seem as relevant. Now, as the kids are getting older, I find a lot of wisdom in this book each week.

Today's devotional was titled "Real Life" and the verse that went along with it was 1 Peter 1:6-7.

You may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith -- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire -- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

There is much grief and many different kinds of trials in life. There are the big griefs and trials of losing a loved one, losing your job, losing your home, a marriage falling apart. But there are daily trials too. Like finding out your house has termites (and that it was treated before you bought the house and it was not disclosed to you). Or you get a flat tire. Or your kids are less obedient than normal. Or you burn the cinnamon rolls your kids were going to eat for breakfast.

The key to trials is not the trial itself, but how you react to the trial. I find for myself that the bigger things in life are easier to handle because you know that God is in control and there is nothing you could do about it. But I must always stop and think before I react to disobedience or burnt cinnamon rolls. Lily and Wyatt are watching.

I must remember that I am to be a reflection of my heavenly Father in real life. I am to be the example that they see. I know that I don't always handle things well. Thankfully God's mercies are new each morning and I am a work in progress. I just need to make sure I am making forward progress.

Lately...

I have wondered if I had the strength to persevere through this season of my life. I have wondered how long this would have to go on (two years seems like a really long time). I have wondered when this is going to get easier, when things are going to FEEL different, when things are going to BE different. I have begged God to change things. I have asked Him to give me strength.

Yet, I have not been allowing Him to work in me. I ask for His strength, but then I try to stand on my own. I have not allowed Him to continue refining me, transforming me because I have not wanted to feel more hurt. I have been shutting out God's strength, peace, and comfort; I have been shutting out the people God has placed in my life to encourage me and help me.

In resisting God's work I have only felt more pain. I have felt alone, tired, discouraged, weary.

Today I am reminded (again) that God uses trials, challenges, difficulties, and hurts to transform me to be more like Christ. These struggles through life are the things that develop character, that teach me to bear fruit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, and self-control. Really, what more could I want? Yes, in my human, selfish nature, I want a perfect life right here, right now on this earth. But, in reality, this life is temporary (and it is perfect for NO ONE). It is brief. And then, there is eternity.

Today I will stop trying to stand in my own strength. Today I will go back to RESTING in God's strength. Today I will choose to persevere. Today I will choose to allow God to continue transforming me, so that He is glorified.

faith like a child

I wanted to share some sweet things Lily has said lately...mainly because I want to write them down and never forget what childlike faith is. What a blessing my children are to me!

• Lily got out her notebook and pencil the other day and climbed onto the bar stool. She told me she needed to write her worship songs. Then she put her pencil down and sang. It may not have made sense to me, but I am sure God was blessed by her worship -- I was. (Wyatt did join in on writing worship songs the next day.)
• Last night as we were heading to bed after baths, bible story, and prayers, Lily says, "Just a few more days til heaven, right?" I wish, my sweet girl, I wish.
• Her bedtime prayers have taken on much more flavor recently. She will often come up with the funniest things to thank God for, but I know it is just her faith shining through. Here are some examples: Thank you God for all the animals, like the fish under the sea. Thank you for all the things you let us to do today, one-by-one. Thank you for all the people in the whole wide world. Thank you for everything that you created for us.

My children are such a bright spot in my life. I love to see them learning about Jesus and to see their faith grow! It melts this mommy's heart!

a message of hope...

**remember to turn the music off on the side of the blog.

Anticipating Christmas

The tree has been up for over a month. The presents are wrapped (some are even assembled to make for an more pleasant Christmas morning). Treats have been made. Plans have been worked out. Everything is all set to have a Merry Christmas.

But "everything" is not quite accurate. My heart doesn't feel "all set" to have Christmas. In a way I am dreading Christmas morning, the time when the kids and I will open our presents together. Without Ryan, it felt like something was missing last year and it feels like something is missing again this year. I can hear in my head his laughter at the kids playing with their new toys. I know he would be right there on the floor playing with Wyatt's new farm and Lily's new baby nursery. In fact, He would probably be more excited than Lily and Wyatt were about Christmas morning!

I know that there is nothing I can do to change the fact that Ryan is not here. And even if there were, I would never want him to have to leave heaven to come back to this earth where he suffered so much. It is just that Christmas is a family time and that just makes me miss him even more.

I am trying to focus this year on the real reason for Christmas: Christ. I think of Mary and how she anticipated the birth of her son. This Christmas, my heart is anticipating Christ too. It is anticipating the day when Christ will return and I will get to be with my Savior in heaven. What a celebration of Christ that will be!

18 Months

So much changes in 18 months:

When Ryan died, Lily and Wyatt were 2 years, 2 months, and 3 days old; today they are 3 years, 8 months, and 3 days old.

When Ryan died, Lily and Wyatt were wearing diapers; now they are potty trained.

When Ryan died, Lily and Wyatt were too young to play outside without me; today, I bundled them up and sent them into the backyard to explore and play independently in the snow.

When Ryan died, Lily and Wyatt depended on me to get them up out of their cribs each morning; now they sleep in big kid beds, they wake up and search for me each morning.

When Ryan died, Lily and Wyatt needed me to get them dressed from head to toe each day; now they are choosing their clothes and getting themselves dressed most of the way.

It is so hard for me to believe that it has been 18 months since Ryan died. It continues to seem like it was only a month ago and years ago all at the same time. While there are parts of life that definitely seem to be getting easier, there are still days when I am not sure how to keep pressing on. I am tired: mentally, emotionally, and physically. Tired of parenting by myself. Tired of making all of the decisions. Tired of the ever-present loneliness.

Today I am seeking God for strength, for patience, for joy, and for hope -- to get me through today, to get me through the next 18 months, just as He has done each and every day of the last 18 months.

Struggles and God's Provision

The past week has been filled with many, many different struggles. All of them seemed really big at the time, all of them made me feel extremely alone. But God has amazingly provided through all of them!

At the end of last week, and even the beginning of this week, Lily was throwing some major temper tantrums all day long! Those of you who have toddlers or who have had toddlers can relate, I am sure. Anything I asked her to do she said "NO!" Any time I asked her to obey, she did the opposite. She was screaming, crying, etc. I was getting very discouraged. It was getting harder and harder to be consistent, it was a challenge to remain patient, and I began to feel sorry for myself. I was missing Ryan and the help he would have brought (at least after 5:30).

Thankfully, God has placed a very special person in our lives who Lily and Wyatt ADORE! Erin was willing to come over and just hang out. She distracted Lily from her attitude, and didn't bat an eye when things began to go down hill. Erin is such a blessing in our lives, I really have no idea what I would do without her!

Tuesday, I wanted to get some work done in the yard. The leaves were getting to be overwhelming and I thought if I could at least get the front yard done it would be some progress. I went to start the leaf blower (which was only a week old) and I could not get it started for the life of me. I started bawling my eyes out, while Lily and Wyatt looked on. (Wyatt kept saying, "Mommy, it's really sad that you couldn't get that to work. " Cute, but so not helpful at the time!) I hated the fact that I could not get a simple tool to work so that I could take care of my own house.

I called Kevin, one of our pastors, and he was able to come over and try to help me. I felt better with the fact that he couldn't get it to work either! :) But I was grateful for his willingness to help me yet again and he even took it with him and figured out what the problem was! He has helped me with different things around the house many, many times and I am so grateful to God for his willingness!

Yesterday (Wednesday), I decided that since I could get the blower to work now, I would head out to the back yard and move some leaves around to make things easier for someone from our church who was going to be coming over to mow the leaves up later in the afternoon. Things were going well, until I slipped and fell down a couple of stairs and sprained my ankle. I hobbled inside and called a friend. She was concerned because she knows that I am a single mom and that I am very independent. As we were talking and trying to figure out what to do (she was 45 min. away), I was crying my eyes out again! Why? Why does it have to be so hard? Why do I have to be all alone when these things are happening?

Thankfully, God provided again! My neighbors had seen me fall and they asked Aaron, the guy from church who came to mow if I was okay. He didn't even know I was hurt, so he came to check. I was on the phone with another friend from church who told me that Aaron has medical training from his work in the army. Aaron, came in and worked on my foot, while two more friends from church came over and helped with the kids, got medicine from upstairs, brought dinner, took the kids to AWANA, etc. I do not enjoy having a sprained ankle or relying on the help of others, but God came through last night in HUGE ways!

I am not sure what this week of difficulties is for. It may be an attack from Satan for sharing my testimony in church on Sunday night. It may be a reminder to me that God does not want me relying on myself so much. It may be just another way for God to show himself faithful. What ever the reason, I am so thankful for the way God has blessed me with wonderful people to help me out!

what would life be like?

Last night I was really missing Ryan. I missed hearing him breathe while sleeping in bed next to me. I missed being able to just roll over and have him cuddle up to me or talk to me because I could not sleep.

And I began to wonder: what would life be like if Ryan were still here?

If Ryan were still alive he would probably have had a lung transplant. Maybe we would be living the life we had dreamed of. Maybe Ryan would be feeling great and maybe he would be active, doing all the things he would want to.

But maybe not.

Maybe there would be complications from the transplant. Maybe he would experience rejection on a regular basis. Maybe the other aspects of CF would still dominate our lives.

If Ryan was doing well, would he still be enjoying his job? Would he still have a job? Would we have greater financial worries in these difficult economic times? Would we still be renting a townhouse or would we have been able to buy a house like the one we live in today?

If Ryan were alive and doing well, would I be who I am today? Would my faith have grown in the ways it has because of his death? Would I have fully surrendered to God's will? Would I turn to God first in everything or would I still rely on Ryan for the answers?

I will never know what our life would hold if Ryan were still alive, but I am thankful for the things that have happened in the wake of his death:

• Ryan is healthy and whole in heaven, he no longer has to suffer.
• My faith has grown and my love for my Savior has deepened.
• My perspectives on life have changed -- the little things don't bother me nearly as much -- my focus is on eternity now.
• We are financially secure, we have a home to live in, we are provided for.

I miss Ryan.
I miss my husband.
I miss the father of my children.

But I have been abundantly blessed.

I am sitting here at the computer getting caught up on other blogs and really desiring to write a post of my own -- if only I knew what to write! Facebook seems to have taken over as my tech tool of choice right now. It is so fast and easy. Pictures upload faster and updates are quicker, so blogging has taken a back seat. The one thing I really miss about blogging is the ability to sit down and share my heart and connect with so many people. Facebook allows for keeping updated on the lives of others, but it does not often allow for a full explanation of my heart. Maybe I like Facebook because it allows to to "hide" or maybe I like it more because I can feel connected to others when I am at home during the lonely hours of the day while the kids are sleeping. Either way, I spend way too much time there! :)

There are things I would like to share, but for now they have to wait. I am excited for the things God is doing and I am praying that He will be glorified through different opportunities in my life right now. The desire of my heart is that God will use me and that He will receive the glory from "my" story!

I seem to find so little time to blog these days. Life is going full steam ahead. The kids are still enjoying Cubbies at AWANA on Wednesday nights. I have started going to a bible study at church on Wednesday mornings where we are studying Patriarchs: Encountering the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob by Beth Moore. I am also watching a two month old one and a half days a week -- she is a little sweetheart! This past week I was in Indiana/Illinois to be the maid of honor in my best friend's wedding. Val and Dave are perfect for each other and I was honored to be a part of their special day!

Through all of the busyness, God has been so good! I find myself being in a place of contentment. That does not mean that my life is what I would have chosen, it means that God has helped me to accept (and trust) the plans He has for my life. I have realized that I cannot control the things of this life, no matter how hard I try. God knows where I have been. God knows where I am going. God knows when my time on this earth will be over. So I can simply wake up each morning and say, "Okay, God, what do you have for me today?" It does not matter if I wake up one morning and see a very large tree down in my yard (which did happen last week), God is still God. He is still in control and He will still provide and I can still be thankful (for the fact that the tree did not fall on the house and for the WONDERFUL people who took the time to cut it up while I went to my best friend's wedding)!

It is amazing to me to look back over the last 30+ years of my life and to realize that I had not really grown much in my faith until the last 1+ year. I do not rejoice in trees falling or in Ryan's death, but I do rejoice in God's love and faithfulness to me in these times of trial both small and big!