CF Awareness

Weekend Update

Thanksgiving has come and gone. We "survived" our first holiday without Ryan. There were a few tears, but overall it went well. I greatly appreciated the hugs that I received and the willingness of others to talk about Ryan. The kids had great fun running around with their cousins and did quite well despite skipping naps!

It has been a busy couple of days after the holiday as well. Early yesterday morning, Papa Steve got here to spend a little time with us. The kids played, and played, and played with their Papa Steve. While the three of them were napping, I joined in on the craziness of Black Friday and went to the mall. I got a little of my Christmas shopping done, but I also got some fun things for me. :)

Today, Saturday, was filled with more playing, but we also went and looked at a house. I want to be able to purchase a house for the kids and I that will be a place we can grow into and stay for quite awhile. It is an overwhelming task. I need to think about things like: school district, the number to bedrooms and bathrooms, the size of the lawn. These are things that everyone must consider when buying a new house, it just causes me to feel the loss of Ryan even more. We can't bounce ideas off one another or state the pros and cons of different houses. I know that I have people that I can ask, but ultimately it is my decision -- one that I am not looking forward to making on my own.

Over the past few days I have also added to our ornament collection with our 2008 ornaments. Lily and Wyatt had fun picking out their own ornaments, although the girl selection was quite limited.

Wyatt's "Backhoe Loader" (probably not an accurate name, but it's Wyatt calls it).

Lily's bear (it is pink, that is why she got it -- she is not into bears or dancing, but again, our choices were limited :) ).

The harder ornament to choose was our family ornament. It made the most sense to get a "three person" ornament, but Ryan is still part of our life. I went with two ornaments:

Lily, Wyatt, and Mommy 2008

Our angel, Daddy (the wagon says 6/6/2008)

Here are just some random pictures from the past few days:

Lily enjoys checking out the ornaments on the tree.

Being silly while eating our cereal.

Watching the parade on Thanksgiving morning.

Christmas Spirit

In order to get into the Christmas spirit, I have added a Christmas music playlist to the blog. The Christmas music will automatically start playing when you arrive on the blog. If you prefer the regular music, pause the Christmas list and start the original playlist located just under the Christmas list on the right hand side of the blog.

Thanksgiving

Today is Thanksgiving. It is a day to remember all of the blessings that God has put in our lives. I thought that it might be interesting to go back and see what I was thankful for 1 year ago and compare it to what I am thankful for today.

Last Years Blessings:
1. A God who loves me in spite of my sinful nature -- GRACE!
2. Ryan, a wonderful husband who also loves me in spite of my sinful nature :)
3. Lily Grace and Wyatt Ryan -- what would my life be without them?
4. My Mom and Dad who help me so tremendously.
5. All of my family and friends, Michigan and Illinois alike, who love me and support me in this journey called life.
6. A great friend who is a terrific example of faith in all situations.
7. A GREAT church where I am able to worship God and grow in Him.
8. A small group with people who care and challenge me in ways they don't even know.
9. The insurance in MI that covers 100% of the cost of Ryan's CF medical care!!!
10. Ryan's great job and the flexibility they offer with Ryan's health.

This Years Blessings:
1. A God who loves me, walks beside me, and strengthens me in my grief.
2. Ryan, a wonderful husband, who made me a better person in our short time together!
3. Lily Grace and Wyatt Ryan -- what would my life be without them?
4. My Mom and Dad who help me so tremendously.
5. All of my family and friends, Michigan and Illinois alike, who love me and support me in this journey called life.
6. A great friend who is a terrific example of faith in all situations.
7. A GREAT church where I am able to worship God and grow in Him.
8. A small group with people who care and listen.
9. The insurance in MI that covered 100% of the cost of Ryan's CF medical care -- where would I be right now without this?
10. 5/3rd Bank's Wealth Management Department.

Surprisingly, my lists are very similar. God has continued to bless me despite hardship and it is important that I continually recognize that. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says "Be joyful (not happy, but joyful) always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

I am not thankful that Ryan is not here with me, but I am thankful that he is in heaven and that he no longer faces the suffering that his life on this earth required. I am thankful that God has so richly blessed me with family and friends who love me and hold me up as I grieve. I am thankful for my wonderful children: their smiles and their laughter. I have many reasons to be thankful for today, so I will focus on those as I feel the loss of my wonderful husband today, Thanksgiving Day.

Day 20

I must admit that as Thanksgiving has drawn closer it has been harder for me to find things to be thankful for. It is not that I don't see the blessings in my life, it is just the fact that there is a huge hole in my heart. I miss Ryan and all that he brought into my life: his laughter, his patience, his love, his generosity, his loyalty, his positive attitude, his perseverance. Tomorrow will be a tough day. I will be surrounded by people who love me, but the person I most desire to be with will be missing.

But tonight I am thankful for the memories that are in my heart. Although Ryan is no longer with me, I have so many memories of our life together. They make me smile and they make me cry, but they are a treasure that I am thankful to have. I look forward to passing them on to Lily and Wyatt.

Over the next couple of weeks, I will try and share some of our Christmas stories and traditions. I would LOVE for those of you who knew Ryan to share stories with me as well. They will be a treasure to both the kids and me. Feel free to email them to me (click on my profile) if you would like.

Thanks for your continued thoughts and prayers for us. You are all a huge blessing to me!

Day 19

I forgot to post last night, but I wanted to make sure to include what I was thankful for yesterday.

I am thankful for two friends who allowed me to talk about Ryan. They listened and laughed as I described different events of our marriage. The told me what they remember and appreciated about him. They didn't mind when I got a little choked up. They allowed me to express my fears about the holidays and offered to be there when I needed them.

Thanks, girls, I really appreciate it! You have no idea how much it meant to me!

Christmas Ornament Question

When I posted the Christmas Ornament post, I told you to feel free to ask questions about them. This was the question that I got from Heather at snap, crackle, pop x 2 said... I'm so glad you have your tree up and that it went well. How did the kids like it? I'll bet they were excited! What was Ryan's favorite part about the holidays? What's your favorite ornament?

The kids are enjoying the tree, but we are still working on the "no touching" rule. They love going around the tree and pointing at which ornaments are theirs. They would love to be able to take them off the tree, but I am afraid they would tip the whole tree over.

Ryan's favorite part of the holidays was getting to spend time with family. He LOVED being at family gatherings. He enjoyed laughing with his brother and sister, watching the kids open their presents, giving presents, just being with the people that he loved. He was also the rare type of guy that really enjoyed the shopping.


As far as a favorite ornament, it is hard to pick just one.

I love this one because we got it when we were in Maui on our honeymoon. It says "Just Mauied". :)

I love this one because I got it the year that the twins were born, our two peas in a pod.

I would say that this year my favorite is the one that his mom got us last year. It is a polar bear family ornament. Each of the stars says our names: Kristin, Wyatt, Lily, and Ryan, plus the year is on it as well. It will forever be our last "complete" family ornament, so it means a lot to me as I see it on the tree this year.

Day 18

I was sitting in GriefShare tonight and a person in the video said something that really struck me. Christmas is about suffering. Yes, Christmas is the celebration of Christ, the Messiah's birth, but what did he come for? He came to suffer and die on the cross for the sins of this world, my sins. He came to defeat death and Satan. That statement, Christmas is about suffering, reminded me of the hope that I have because of my relationship with Jesus. Death does not have the final say. Satan will be defeated. So though life is difficult tonight, I am thankful for that hope and that assurance.

Christmas Quiz

I have received this in email a couple of times now, so I thought I would turn it into a blog tag. If you are reading this, consider yourself tagged.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? wrapping paper!
2. Real tree or Artificial? artificial
3. When do you put up the tree? Usually the day after Thanksgiving; this year it went up early
4. When do you take the tree down? Usually the day after Christmas
5. Do you like eggnog? NO
6. Favorite gift received as a child? I don't really remember any, so....
7. Hardest person to buy for? Depends on the year...
8. Easiest person to buy for? This year, Wyatt
9. Do you have a nativity scene? Yes -- Little People :)
10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail -- not sure it will happen this year
11.Worst Christmas gift you ever received? Ask me the story of our first married Christmas (thanks, Val)
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? It's A Wonderful Life
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? September this year
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? no
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? can't think of anything
16. Lights on the tree? yes, white
17. Favorite Christmas song? Silent Night or O Holy Night
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? usually do some traveling
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer's? Nope
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Nothing on top this year, the tree is too small. Usually a star.
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? We don't have a set time, it depends on if we are in MI or IL
22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? The rude shoppers
23. Favorite ornament theme or color? Silver
24. Favorite for Christmas dinner? Ham
25. What do you want for Christmas this year? To be in heaven

A Day to Remember (Day 17)

Grief is unpredictable. Grief comes in waves.

Today as I was having my quiet time, I was thanking God for getting me to where I, for allowing me to find a new "normal", for continually helping me to keep going. I was feeling refreshed and secure. I was feeling like I was doing alright.

Then the wave hit.

Today is November 23. It is not a day of special significance, but then I started thinking about the fact that it was 8 months ago today that Ryan went on a ventilator. That lead to me thinking about the fact the I am entering into a period of time filled with 1 year anniversaries starting with 1 year since visiting U of M and meeting Dr. Ojo for the first time (December 20). My birthday is also coming. I remember feeling sorry for myself last year when Ryan was in the hospital on my birthday; this year I wish I was going to be able to visit him in the hospital on my birthday this year.

Today also included a Holiday Remembrance Program hosted by the funeral home. It was so emotional to "remember" Ryan in that way; to be at a place with others also filled with grief; to listen to Amazing Grace being sung and being asked to sing along on the last verse. I don't often cry in public, but I did today. Tears streamed down my face as I saw my husband's name flashed up on the screen, as I walked to the front to light a candle in his memory, as I listened to Psalm 23 being read, as the pastor talked about how grief is in all the little things.

Today it hurts. Grief is still here. It is still overpowering.

But I am thankful for the opportunity to remember my husband today and I am thankful that God is here with me helping me get through this hard day too.

Day 16

I am thankful for my parents continued willingness to help me out with the kids!

Christmas Ornament Story

Today I put up our Christmas tree. It is not a real tree and it is not big, but it works for our little house. There are not many ornaments on the tree this year, but for this year, simple is best. I chose the ornaments that are most special and best tell the story of the Sweeney 4.

I was not as emotional about putting the tree up as I thought I might be, but I also chose to do it on a "good" day. Looking through the ornaments made me sad, but it was also a good reminder of all the blessings that Ryan and I experienced together. I will continue to be thankful for the time that we did have together even though I wish there had been more.

There are stories behind most of the ornaments, so if you are interested in knowing about a specific ornament, feel free to ask and I would be happy to share!

Day 15

Today I was blessed with a wonderful gift. A young woman from our church donated a few hours of her time so that I could get out of the house for a little while. It was such a huge gift.

When she first approached me regarding this, I had a hard time accepting it. I am not good at accepting help, I tend to think that I can do everything myself and I don't want to be an inconvenience to anyone. But over the last 5 1/2 months, I have come to the realization that I cannot do it all on my own. Yes, God gives me the strength to do all of the things he has set before me, but he also provides people to help me out, to give me breaks.

So, tonight I am thankful for this young woman and her generous heart!

Day 14

I know that I have said it before, but I am so thankful for Lily and Wyatt. They keep me busy and they tire me out, but I love them so much! They make each day just a little better with their smiles, their giggles, their hugs and kisses, and their silliness. It is not easy to be an "only" parent, but it is worth it. They are the reason I am able to get out of bed each day and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I am thankful for these two precious gifts that God brought into our lives, two precious reminders of their wonderful daddy (especially little Miss Lily with her looks and personality).

Watching "George" in the morning is a must!

Little Bears Fans: following in Daddy's footsteps. "Touchdown"

Thanks Aunt Michele, Uncle Gary, and Emily for the new slippers! They are a big hit!

I am truly blessed!

Happy Birthday, Kelly!

Today is Kelly's birthday. Her 30th birthday!

Kelly, I hope that you have a great day and that you enjoy being 30!

Thanks for paving the way for me. :)

Day 13

I am thankful that I was able to fill up under my gas tank for under $32.00! It was only a few months ago that it was costing us more than $64.00 to fill up the car. I am not good at staying home, so I am thankful that the cost of gas has come down (although I do realize it means that our economy is really yuck right now).

I am also thankful that for the way God has provided for our family financially since Ryan died. I know that times are very difficult financially for many people right now, but due to the way things have fallen, I do not have to "worry" about money right now. We are by no means rich, but I know that I will be able to pay my bills and feed my kids, so for that I am thankful!

The Holidays are Coming

The holidays are coming... so many "firsts". I wish that I could fast forward through the next several weeks and be at January 2nd, 2009. It will be really hard for me this year to celebrate. My heart is not in it. I don't want to put up a tree or decorate the house. I don't want to participate in a bunch of family traditions. All of those things will be a reminder to me that my family isn't the same, nor will it ever be the same again. I am afraid that everyone will avoid "Ryan" and I will feel even more like people have forgotten him. I wish that the kids and I could just escape for awhile, but that is not reality. That is not going to bring Ryan back. It is not going to stop the firsts from coming.

So, I am asking for your help. If you see me in the next couple of weeks, please don't avoid me. Don't avoid Ryan. Yes, I might cry, but sometimes I would rather not cry alone. Please pray that I have strength for the weeks ahead. Pray that I can make this a good Thanksgiving and Christmas for Lily and Wyatt.

Thanks for loving us through this time!

20 Days of Gratitude: Day 12

Despite a day filled with temper tantrums and a lot of "NO!", we ended the night on a good note. Today I am thankful for friends from church. A couple from church came over and had dinner with us tonight. Then Shannon read TONS of books to the kids while Matt worked on some stuff with my computer. It was great having them over and getting to know them better, not to mention having adult conversation! Thanks for coming!

20 Days of Gratitude: Day 11

Today I was thankful for the opportunity to substitute teach. I had a great time with the 5th graders, who were much less intimidating than I thought they would be. The days get a little boring, but it is nice to be back in the classroom and interacting with students again.

I am also thankful that God gave me the strength to go and visit a friend in the hospital. (I have not been back to the hospital since Ryan left there in an ambulance on March 25.) I was a lot less emotional than I thought I would be and it was good be to able to be there for a friend!

20 Days of Gratitude: Day 10

Today I am thankful for Lily and Wyatt's giggles! They have been super silly since getting home from small group tonight. Even now I can hear them up in their beds laughing together!

20 Days of Gratitude: Days 8 & 9

I have to play catch up today because I was having way too much fun in Mishawaka yesterday! :)


Day 8 (Friday):
I am thankful for my friend, Valerie! She has been my friend for over 11 years now. She knows me better than any one else. She knows how to handle my moods. She knows how to make me laugh. I love when I get to spend time with her (which is way too rare)! I am thankful that she has found Dave. He makes her happy and she deserves to be happy. Dave is a great guy and I am so glad that I was finally able to meet him!

Val, you are the BEST and I love you!

Day 9 (Today):
As I drove home from Val's this morning, I was thinking about what I was grateful for today. To be honest, I was having a hard time coming up with anything. I was feeling sorry for myself. I was thinking about Val and her new found happiness (which I am very happy about myself!); it made me really miss Ryan. I miss being able to reach across to the passenger seat and hold his hand. I miss being able to look across the room and catch his eye just to get a smile. I miss having someone know exactly what I am thinking just by the look I give. I miss just having him here!


So, I decided that is what I am thankful for. I am thankful that I had someone so special in my life. Someone who wanted to hold my hand in the car. Someone who would smile at me across the room. Someone who could "read my mind" based on the look I was giving. Ryan was a huge blessing in my life that I too often took for granted. I am so thankful that he loved me so much for the short time we had together!

20 Days of Gratitude: Day 7

Today I am thankful for friends and, more specifically, for Kelly! I really appreciate your willingness to help me out with the kids so that I am able to have a little time to myself. You are PRICELESS!

Mommy's Little Gymnast

I have been working on somersaults with the kids for a few weeks. They both think that it is great fun, but they have always needed my help. Today while I was on the phone, Lily said, "Mommy, somersault, Mommy" and off she rolled.

It makes a Mommy proud! Wyatt is the one saying somersault in the video while encouraging Lily in her activity. He tried doing it himself too, but decided it hurt his head. :)

A Clean House...

I just read on Kelly's blog, Praise In Spite of Pain , a post titled A clean house... I would encourage all of you to go and read it. See where you are at. It was a good reminder of what God requires of us and of what Satan uses against us.

Thanks for sharing, Kelly! I always appreciate your honesty!

20 Days of Gratitude: Day 6

Today I am thankful for my grief. That may sound like a strange thing to be thankful for, but it is true. It does not mean that I am thankful that Ryan is gone. Today has been a hard day. I have missed him tremendously. At points today I have wanted to scream because it has hurt so much. I still wonder what God's purpose was for taking Ryan to heaven rather than giving him his new lungs here. That being said, I am grateful for the way my grief is changing me. I have become stronger. I have changed how I view a lot of things in this world; it has changed how I view heaven. I hope that it is making me a better person. My grief has drawn me closer to my Savior and for that I am thankful.

I am also filled with gratitude towards the people at 5/3rd. I went to lunch today with one of the women from there. She brightened my day and she was genuinely excited to be spending time with us. We talked about Ryan. We laughed at Lily and Wyatt's antics. We just had a good time. The people at 5/3rd continue to overwhelm me with their love for our family.

Happy Birthday, Papa "Seeve"!

Today is Ryan's Dad's birthday.

Lily and Wyatt wanted to send along their birthday wishes to their papa in Illinois! :)

Remember to turn off the music playing on the blog.

Wyatt was saying "see, see, see" at the end because he wanted to watch himself on the camera :)

20 Days of Gratitude: Day 5

Today I am thankful for opportunities to serve. I have enjoyed helping out at church with KidZone. I love when I am able to go and do the hands-on administrative work! I love to organize different things, so I am thankful for the opportunity to use those skills.

I am thankful that Lily and Wyatt are gaining so much independence. They are able to do so much for themselves now which is so helpful (although it does make me sad that they are growing SO quickly!). They are able to play creatively on their own, get into and out of bed without help, get their toys out as well as put them away. I am really enjoying this stage of their lives (even with the testing that comes with 2 year olds).

I am also thankful that Biggest Loser is back on tonight! :)

20 Days of Gratitude: Day 4

I am thankful for books. Lily and Wyatt love books, they love to read them and they love to be read to. We went to a playgroup today where they got a free book and participated in a lot of different activities. It is so great to see them growing and changing and learning to do new things.

I am also thankful for cozy blankets on cold days and I am thankful for nap time! I was able to curl up on the couch this afternoon while the kids were napping. I relaxed and watched a couple of episodes of West Wing (one of the shows my husband LOVED). I love to have that small period of downtime during the day!

20 Days of Gratitude

My friend, Kristen, was inspired by a friend to have 20 days of gratitude leading up to Thanksgiving. I thought it was a great idea, so I am going to follow suit. I will have to catch up because I should have started on Friday.

Here it goes:

Day 1 (Friday):
I am thankful for the wonderful friends and family that I have in Illinois! It was so good to be able to catch up and laugh about "the good ole days". I am thankful for the hugs of a faithful prayer warrior!

Day 2 (Saturday):
I am thankful for a new nephew who is a precious gift from God! It is wonderful to see a new little life.

I am thankful for God's protection in traveling on rain slicked roads while extremely tired. I am thankful for my parents and my sister (and family) being willing to sacrifice so that I can have moments of joy.

Day 3 (Sunday):
I am thankful for a church filled with loving people. I am thankful for a church that preaches the word of God. I am thankful for the HOPE that God's word gives to me even in the darkest times. I am thankful for songs of praise to our loving, heavenly Father!

Illinois Visit

Late Thursday afternoon, the kids, my mom and I headed out for a trip to Illinois. (My parents were gracious enough to allow us to take there car -- thank you!) We had a whirlwind visit with lots of stops to see friends and family. We were on the go for the entire 48 hours that we were there. We were able to meet Cameron and celebrate both Grammy's and Papa Steve's birthdays. The visit was short, fun, crazy and exhausting, but it was good to see many of our Illinois friends and family!



I also got to go and help my sister-in-law, Amanda, pick out her wedding dress. Thanks for letting me be a part of that, Amanda! (The dress is gorgeous!!!!)

Not the best of days...

Today has not been the best of days. I managed to blow out two tires on my car this morning. Not only do I need two new tires, but I need a whole new wheel and an alignment. Ughhh! They have to order the wheel and it won't be here until tomorrow -- we are supposed to leave for Illinois tonight to celebrate Ryan's parents' birthdays and meet baby Cameron.

I am sad, disappointed and frustrated, but I know that it is my own fault. I am thankful that we were not going fast (turning into a parking lot) and that the kids and I are safe. In the end it is just a car and some tires, nothing more and for that I am grateful!

Parable of Grace

It's a sunny autumn day. The light of the morning sun is shining through the windows of an intensive care unit into patient rooms filled with IV stands and ventilators and heart monitors.

In one room, the light reveals the jaundiced face of a 45-year-old teacher dying of liver failure. Next door, an ashen-faced 62-year-old grandfather needs a new heart. Three doors down, the light falls on the face of a 27-year-old mother who gasps for breath with ruined lungs.

None of them has walked in the light for weeks. They are doing all they can just to live another day. They are waiting for a gift. It is a priceless gift. It is priceless because of what it will give them – new life and health and time with their families – and also because of what it costs – the life of someone else. How do you pray for a new heart when you know that it comes from someone else's death?

In another hospital, a family grieves. Someone they love has died and the autumn sunlight is swallowed in darkness.

Someone tells them of the possibility of donating their loved one's organs. They say it would be just like their loved one to want to help someone else. They talk about sparing some other family the pain that they are experiencing. So they choose to give the priceless gift to nameless strangers.

A 45-year-old teacher receives a liver, a 62-year-old grandfather receives a heart, and a 27-year-old mother receives new lungs. They all pray for a grieving family they may never know.

As a hospital chaplain, I have been with all of these people more times than I can count. It is a miracle for those who were dying, and also a miracle for those who give. What a profound and wonderful miracle. What a parable of grace.

— Chaplain Joel De Fehr

Happy Birthday, Grammy!

Today is Grammy's birthday (Ryan's Mom).

This is Lily and Wyatt's birthday wish for her today!

Remember to pause the playlist on the lower left side of the blog.

Cast Your Vote

Vote.

It is a privilege!

Lily's Hair

Lily "The Diva" enjoying her dinner!

I decided that I would torture Lily and try putting french braid pigtails in her hair. She was a really good sport and sat still for most of it. I have a long way to go in getting it to actually look good, but I still think that she looks cute.

Here are the final results:

(Yes, I know that it ended up really crooked in the back!)

Enjoying Our Day

The weather here is absolutely beautiful today - close to 70 degrees! After lunch the kids and I took a walk and played outside. I was able to get some fall pictures of them, although most of the leaves are gone. Wyatt took some great shots and Lily just kept saying "CHEESE" every time I tried to get a shot of her.

Here is a picture of Cameron. Lily is so excited to go and see "her baby Camera" this weekend! Thanks Papa Steve for sending us the pictures!

Check out the post below for more fall pictures!

Fall Pictures

Our Story (The Condensed Version)

I have realized that there may be a lot of readers out there who do not know our whole story, so I thought that I would give the condensed version here in case you didn't have hours to spend reading the blog.

The first time I met Ryan was on September 11, 2001. I was a first year teacher, fresh from college. It was only my 6th day teaching. I had no idea what to think about the attacks of that day, and I was unable to answer my students' questions about the World Trade Centers.

I worked with Ryan's mom and Ryan came to visit her because he wanted to be near family that day. The P.E. teacher, Mr. Funkhouser, ask Ryan if he would go answer student questions in the new teacher's classroom. Ryan told me that he had it all planned out what he was going to say to the students, but then forgot once he got into my room and saw me for the first time (evidently it was love at first sight for him :) ).

To be honest, I don't "really" remember Ryan from that day, I was a little overwhelmed. I do remember him leaving the room and the students asking me, "what did he just say?" My response was somewhere along the lines of, "I have no clue!"

I did not know about Ryan's "instant love," but we did get to know one another little by little over the next few months at Amanda's (his sister) basketball games and a Super Bowl party at his parent's house.


Our first date was on Valentine's Day, just as friends. We both wore black because we were both a little bitter about the day. Ryan had a rose for me and told me that ever girl needed to get flowers on Valentine's day. We enjoyed a nice dinner together and got to know one another a little better. I left excited, but did not know if it would go anywhere.


It did not take long for me to find out how Ryan felt. Within a week or two we were spending a lot of time together -- almost everyday. Ryan was a hopeless romantic and was always coming up with different ways to make me feel special. On Father's Day of 2002, 4 short months after our first date, Ryan asked me to marry him and I said yes!


The very next day, Ryan went into Northwestern Memorial Hospital in Chicago for a scheduled "tune-up". This was the first time that his cystic fibrosis really impacted our relationship. He had not been in the hospital at all while we were dating and he had only gone to one or two clinic appointments during that time. I think I was still oblivious to the reality of CF, but we enjoyed spending hours together in the hospital talking about our wedding and our future. I was tested to see if I was a carrier for CF so that we could start discussing the possibility of children in our future. I was not a carrier -- yeah!


We were engaged for just over 1 year. We spent a lot of time together during that year. We bought our first house on February 28, 2003. We repainted every room and put down new flooring too. I moved into the townhouse in April of that year and could not wait to be joined there by Ryan in July!

We had a beautiful wedding on July 5, 2003 and we spent 1 week in Maui, Hawaii on our honeymoon. We enjoyed being newlyweds and we enjoyed our first home together. Ryan continued working for Precision Twist Drill and I continued teaching at Westminster Christian School. Ryan would go in to the hospital for "tune-ups" every 4 to 6 months, but most of them were scheduled around my school vacations, so I would go and stay with him in the hospital (romantic, I know).

In March of 2004, Ryan started a job as a financial advisor at Ameriprise Financial. He loved what he did, but the long hours and excessive commute were difficult for him. He would push himself to keep up with office expectations and it ended up taking a toll on his health. In April 2005, Ryan had a major "crash". Dr. Boas, his CF doctor, first brought up the idea of transplant to us and it was devastating. We knew that a transplant would be necessary in our future, but we had always talked about it being years away. We had just started to think about seriously pursuing the idea of children using IVF treatments (a necessary means due to CF) and we were left wondering whether or not we should even consider having kids. Dr. Boas was fantastic and answered all of our questions about transplant and we realized it wasn't the end of the world.


We decided that we were going to go ahead and pursue IVF starting in June 2005. It was an emotional time for both Ryan and I, but we knew that it would be worth it in the end if we were able to get pregnant. While doing this, we were also looking in to the transplant program at the University of Wisconsin -- Madison Hospital. In early August we headed up there for 2 1/2 days of intense testing for Ryan and a lot of emotional stress for both of us. We came home on Thursday night and we found out on Friday morning that our first round of IVF treatments were unsuccessful. We did not give up our hopes and we decided to do another treatment the next month.


While waiting to see if our second cycle was a success, we were making trips back and forth to U of W to see where Ryan would fall in terms of transplant. At that point, he was considered borderline for transplant and it was recommended to us that we wait to get listed, but Ryan would continue to be monitored every three months. Within two weeks of that news, we found out that I was pregnant -- praise God! Two weeks later, we went in for our first ultrasound and we saw our double blessing -- TWINS! We were so excited, we were actually hoping that it would be twins.



My pregnancy went well, other than having morning sickness 24/7 for the entire time. Ryan was now doing "tune-ups" every three months to avoid another crash. We were anxiously preparing for our two little ones, which we found out in January 2006 would be a girl and a boy. I stopped teaching at the end of March, so that I would be able to carry the babies as long as possible. Unfortunately, while Ryan was in the hospital doing his last tune-up before the babies were born, he was given the news that he had lost his job with Ameriprise. Now we were both unemployed and expecting twins. The stress of everything put me into early labor on Saturday, April 1, 2006 (the twins were due May 17) -- Ryan was actually at a job interview when I called my doctor and he said "come in, I want to see you".


Off we went to Good Shepherd Hospital. They started me on magnesium right away and they were able to stop my contractions, but I had developed toxemia. My doctor decided that it would be in my best interest, as well as the best interest of the twins to induce me. On April 3, 2006, Lily Grace Sweeney was born at 9:20 pm weighing 4 lbs. 3 0z. She was followed by her big, younger brother Wyatt Ryan Sweeney at 9:37 pm weighing 4 lbs. 13 oz. Both kids were breathing on their own and were only kept in the NICU to learn how to breath. Wyatt came home with us on April 19 and Lily followed one week later on April 26.

The kids were healthy and doing well, but we were still unemployed. Ryan began looking for jobs not only in Illinois, but also in Michigan near my family. God was totally at work here. He provided a GREAT job for Ryan at 5/3rd Bank in Grand Rapids. It was basically his dream job -- analyzing stocks. He did two more tune-ups with Dr. Boas in Chicago, but it was too difficult emotionally and so he switched to a doctor here in Grand Rapids in the spring of 2007. That was another "God-thing". We found out that Michigan has a special insurance for CF adults that would cover all costs of CF treatment not covered by primary insurance -- HUGE blessing!

By the end of 2007, we were well aware that Ryan's health was failing. We had not been good with the transplant evaluations every 3 months (it wasn't a concern of doctors), so we didn't know exactly how far Ryan had deteriorated. We were able to schedule a visit to see Dr. Ojo at the University Hospital at U of M on December 20, 2007. Our follow up visit with her was on February 21, 2008. It was a day of a lot of tests, but we left feeling like we knew where we were headed.

Februray 22, 2008, just one day after seeing Dr. Ojo, I brought Ryan to the ER here in Grand Rapids. He was struggling to breath and they discovered that he had Influenza A (which Lily, Wyatt and I all proceeded to get) which led to pneumonia. Ryan spent two weeks in the hospital, but he was able to finish up almost all of his necessary transplant tests. Ryan came home from the hospital feeling a little better, but still not great. A few days later, March 12, Ryan was scheduled for a procedure at U of M. It was his final test for transplant evaluation, but the doctors decided that he was too sick and he was immediately admitted to the hospital.

I left Ryan at the hospital in Ann Arbor because we were scheduled to move that weekend. So while Ryan was sitting in a hospital, I was packing like a crazy woman. Thanks to the help of 15 people from my family and our church, we were moved and mostly unpacked within 4 hours!

On March 17, 2008, Ryan had his final test done and found out a few hours later that he was listed for lung transplant at #1. His scores did not indicated that he was "that sick", he was just the sickest in his category for blood-type and body size. I went and picked him up from the hospital the next day.

By Saturday (March 22) Ryan was really not feeling well and I thought about taking him back to U of M. He told me he would be fine, but in the middle of the night, he woke me up and asked me to call an ambulance. I was unable to go with him because I had the stomach flu, but my parents came over to help out -- my dad sitting in the ER with Ryan for hours while doctors tired to figure out what was going on.

I received a call from Ryan's doctor telling me they were going need to put Ryan on a ventilator. I was able to get up to the hospital and see him before they did, but he did not remember me being there. I called his parents and they were soon on their way to join me at Ryan's bedside, along with Amanda and his Grandma. I was also able to talk with someone from U of M who told me it was important that Ryan get flown there as soon as possible, unfortunately all of their ICU beds were full.

Two days of anxious waiting in GR led to an ambulance trip (a high wind advisory stopped the helicopter) to University Hospital where Ryan spent the last 10 1/2 weeks of his life. Those 10 1/2 weeks were filled with many ups and downs. Ryan was on and off the transplant list a few times during those weeks, but EVERYONE believed that he would get his new lungs. Ryan continually impressed the staff of the CCMU with his determination.

In the end, Ryan's lungs gave out. There was nothing more that the doctors could do for Ryan. Lungs did not become available. Ryan went to be with our heavenly Father on June 6, 2008. At the time, those 10 1/2 weeks in Ann Arbor were hard, but I would not do it any different if I had to do it again. Ryan and I spent 12 hours a day together for those weeks. We were able to laugh together and cry together. We were able to tell each other our hopes and dreams for our future and for Lily and Wyatt. We were able to say I love you to each other every day.

God has blessed me with my two children. Lily and Wyatt are a constant reminder of their Daddy. God provided for Ryan for our entire marriage, helping us through both good times and bad. He continues to sustain me

Maggie Moo's Mom Giveaway

Maggie Moo's Mom...Alison Harris makes adorable homemade clothes for kids. I found her blog a while ago when she wrote to me to tell me she was following our story. She is doing a giveaway of a little girls skirt that she will custom make for the winner (12 months - 6 years). The contest goes through next week Saturday night at 9:00 pm C.S.T. Go check out her site and see all of the cute things that she makes.