Halloween Parade

We were invited to once again attend the 5/3rd Halloween Parade. It was held this past Thursday, so I dressed the kids up (Wyatt stayed a pirate and Lily chose to be Belle) and we headed downtown for some indoor Trick or Treating. The kids loved it and it was great to see our friends from "Daddy's Work," (not to mention we were able to get plenty of candy without dealing with any type of yucky weather).

Wyatt and Lily with Ms. Lisa (she gave them the little pumpkin Wyatt is holding)!

Trick or Treat!

Currently (6:45 am) we have a wind advisory and they are calling for a "wintry mixture of precipitation." Those words, plus the fact that we already have plenty of candy will probably keep my pirate and my princess home to pass candy out to the people who do decide to brave the weather of Halloween night!

Struggles and God's Provision

The past week has been filled with many, many different struggles. All of them seemed really big at the time, all of them made me feel extremely alone. But God has amazingly provided through all of them!

At the end of last week, and even the beginning of this week, Lily was throwing some major temper tantrums all day long! Those of you who have toddlers or who have had toddlers can relate, I am sure. Anything I asked her to do she said "NO!" Any time I asked her to obey, she did the opposite. She was screaming, crying, etc. I was getting very discouraged. It was getting harder and harder to be consistent, it was a challenge to remain patient, and I began to feel sorry for myself. I was missing Ryan and the help he would have brought (at least after 5:30).

Thankfully, God has placed a very special person in our lives who Lily and Wyatt ADORE! Erin was willing to come over and just hang out. She distracted Lily from her attitude, and didn't bat an eye when things began to go down hill. Erin is such a blessing in our lives, I really have no idea what I would do without her!

Tuesday, I wanted to get some work done in the yard. The leaves were getting to be overwhelming and I thought if I could at least get the front yard done it would be some progress. I went to start the leaf blower (which was only a week old) and I could not get it started for the life of me. I started bawling my eyes out, while Lily and Wyatt looked on. (Wyatt kept saying, "Mommy, it's really sad that you couldn't get that to work. " Cute, but so not helpful at the time!) I hated the fact that I could not get a simple tool to work so that I could take care of my own house.

I called Kevin, one of our pastors, and he was able to come over and try to help me. I felt better with the fact that he couldn't get it to work either! :) But I was grateful for his willingness to help me yet again and he even took it with him and figured out what the problem was! He has helped me with different things around the house many, many times and I am so grateful to God for his willingness!

Yesterday (Wednesday), I decided that since I could get the blower to work now, I would head out to the back yard and move some leaves around to make things easier for someone from our church who was going to be coming over to mow the leaves up later in the afternoon. Things were going well, until I slipped and fell down a couple of stairs and sprained my ankle. I hobbled inside and called a friend. She was concerned because she knows that I am a single mom and that I am very independent. As we were talking and trying to figure out what to do (she was 45 min. away), I was crying my eyes out again! Why? Why does it have to be so hard? Why do I have to be all alone when these things are happening?

Thankfully, God provided again! My neighbors had seen me fall and they asked Aaron, the guy from church who came to mow if I was okay. He didn't even know I was hurt, so he came to check. I was on the phone with another friend from church who told me that Aaron has medical training from his work in the army. Aaron, came in and worked on my foot, while two more friends from church came over and helped with the kids, got medicine from upstairs, brought dinner, took the kids to AWANA, etc. I do not enjoy having a sprained ankle or relying on the help of others, but God came through last night in HUGE ways!

I am not sure what this week of difficulties is for. It may be an attack from Satan for sharing my testimony in church on Sunday night. It may be a reminder to me that God does not want me relying on myself so much. It may be just another way for God to show himself faithful. What ever the reason, I am so thankful for the way God has blessed me with wonderful people to help me out!

what would life be like?

Last night I was really missing Ryan. I missed hearing him breathe while sleeping in bed next to me. I missed being able to just roll over and have him cuddle up to me or talk to me because I could not sleep.

And I began to wonder: what would life be like if Ryan were still here?

If Ryan were still alive he would probably have had a lung transplant. Maybe we would be living the life we had dreamed of. Maybe Ryan would be feeling great and maybe he would be active, doing all the things he would want to.

But maybe not.

Maybe there would be complications from the transplant. Maybe he would experience rejection on a regular basis. Maybe the other aspects of CF would still dominate our lives.

If Ryan was doing well, would he still be enjoying his job? Would he still have a job? Would we have greater financial worries in these difficult economic times? Would we still be renting a townhouse or would we have been able to buy a house like the one we live in today?

If Ryan were alive and doing well, would I be who I am today? Would my faith have grown in the ways it has because of his death? Would I have fully surrendered to God's will? Would I turn to God first in everything or would I still rely on Ryan for the answers?

I will never know what our life would hold if Ryan were still alive, but I am thankful for the things that have happened in the wake of his death:

• Ryan is healthy and whole in heaven, he no longer has to suffer.
• My faith has grown and my love for my Savior has deepened.
• My perspectives on life have changed -- the little things don't bother me nearly as much -- my focus is on eternity now.
• We are financially secure, we have a home to live in, we are provided for.

I miss Ryan.
I miss my husband.
I miss the father of my children.

But I have been abundantly blessed.

looking back

Halloween 2006

6 months old

a flower and a puppy

Halloween 2007

18 months old

2 little elephants

Halloween 2008

2 1/2 years old

2 little sweeties

Halloween 2009

3 1/2 years old

a princess and a pirate

A Pirate and a Princess -- Halloween Sneak Peek

Here are a couple pictures of the kids in their Halloween costumes. Wyatt is a pirate and he is very excited about it! Lily is a "princess" (although she looks a lot like a ballerina!). She may change her mind before Halloween actually arrives -- her original choice was a chicken. This was a costume that we considered for Wyatt two years ago. The Elephant and The Chicken Click on the link for a video that will make you smile. Lily and Wyatt were 1 1/2 at the time.

looking in the mirror

I love Lily and Wyatt.
They are at a really fun age right now.
They make me smile.
They make me laugh.

Today we went outside.
I painted.
They played.
They reminded me how much their little eyes take in.

They went to McDonald's.
They went to the post office.
They baked a cake.

Interesting choices...

Wyatt got frustrated.
He showed me how much he takes notice of my actions.
Sometimes "looking in the mirror" is a good reminder that little eyes are watching.

playing in the leaves

We spent some time outside today enjoying the sunshine and the warmer temperatures while cleaning up the yard and raking leaves. This was the first time the kids were able to jump into and run through leaf piles (we didn't really have trees at the townhouse) and they LOVED it. I enjoyed hearing their laughter and seeing their smiles (even if it did mean more raking for me)! :)

I am sitting here at the computer getting caught up on other blogs and really desiring to write a post of my own -- if only I knew what to write! Facebook seems to have taken over as my tech tool of choice right now. It is so fast and easy. Pictures upload faster and updates are quicker, so blogging has taken a back seat. The one thing I really miss about blogging is the ability to sit down and share my heart and connect with so many people. Facebook allows for keeping updated on the lives of others, but it does not often allow for a full explanation of my heart. Maybe I like Facebook because it allows to to "hide" or maybe I like it more because I can feel connected to others when I am at home during the lonely hours of the day while the kids are sleeping. Either way, I spend way too much time there! :)

There are things I would like to share, but for now they have to wait. I am excited for the things God is doing and I am praying that He will be glorified through different opportunities in my life right now. The desire of my heart is that God will use me and that He will receive the glory from "my" story!

I seem to find so little time to blog these days. Life is going full steam ahead. The kids are still enjoying Cubbies at AWANA on Wednesday nights. I have started going to a bible study at church on Wednesday mornings where we are studying Patriarchs: Encountering the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob by Beth Moore. I am also watching a two month old one and a half days a week -- she is a little sweetheart! This past week I was in Indiana/Illinois to be the maid of honor in my best friend's wedding. Val and Dave are perfect for each other and I was honored to be a part of their special day!

Through all of the busyness, God has been so good! I find myself being in a place of contentment. That does not mean that my life is what I would have chosen, it means that God has helped me to accept (and trust) the plans He has for my life. I have realized that I cannot control the things of this life, no matter how hard I try. God knows where I have been. God knows where I am going. God knows when my time on this earth will be over. So I can simply wake up each morning and say, "Okay, God, what do you have for me today?" It does not matter if I wake up one morning and see a very large tree down in my yard (which did happen last week), God is still God. He is still in control and He will still provide and I can still be thankful (for the fact that the tree did not fall on the house and for the WONDERFUL people who took the time to cut it up while I went to my best friend's wedding)!

It is amazing to me to look back over the last 30+ years of my life and to realize that I had not really grown much in my faith until the last 1+ year. I do not rejoice in trees falling or in Ryan's death, but I do rejoice in God's love and faithfulness to me in these times of trial both small and big!

Cubbies Bible Verses

Here a video of Lily and Wyatt saying the two bible verses for Cubbies last week. It makes me smile to hear them storing God's word in their hearts at such a young age!

Feeling Blessed!

I have been feeling so blessed lately! To make those blessings even better, they have been unexpected. God has used so many people to encourage me lately, it brings me to tears to see the ways He provides -- even for my spirit!

I have been blessed by:

• encouragement from former students who have recently been in contact with me. It is nice to know that I made an impact in their lives!
• acts of service -- people wanting to help with things around our home that will save me a time and energy and stress.
• people doing small things to make life just a little easier!

God, you are so GOOD! Thank you for the people you use to shower blessings on my life!

For my friend...

Here is a video of a song that I love. Each time I hear it I am reminded of the pain that so many people face. I am so thankful that God is ALWAYS there!



**Remember to turn off the music on the blog!

Life Update

I am not even sure where to begin tonight. I think I have a lot to say, but I am just not quite sure how to get my thoughts out into words on the screen.

Life has been busy with all of the construction on the house. They finished up the last little bit of odds and ends yesterday and everything looks terrific. I really appreciate my brother-in-law and the guys that he works with. They did a great job on the house and they were patient with Lily and Wyatt always being underfoot asking a hundred questions. The first thing Wyatt asked me this morning was if the workers were here yet. I will not miss the noise and mess, but I might just miss the entertainment they provided for Lily and Wyatt. The busyness of the construction was also a nice distraction from "real" life.

I must admit that I wish the loneliness aspect of grief would take its leave. It continues to be a frequent battle for me. From about 4:00 on each day, it starts rearing its ugly head, reminding me that Ryan will not be walking in the door in an hour. Dinner time is hard. I am always at a loss for what to make that is both healthy and not too plentiful. I am constantly Ryan won't be sharing a meal with us and he won't be excited to be taking leftovers to work the next day (and leftovers of the same meal for an entire week is just not that great!). Then there is the whole bedtime routine when it would be so nice to have an extra set of hands!

I am trying to press on. I am trying to keep moving forward in life, but I feel like I am stuck in a rut. There are days when I feel really down and overly emotional. There are days when I am just ready to be done. But there is no "done" button in life. So for Lily and Wyatt, I keep going. I will keep getting out of bed each morning to fulfill the purpose God has for my life. I will keep asking God for the strength to get through each day. I will keep trusting in His promises and the HOPE that He alone can give, because, to be honest, without God's help I would not make it through many days!

House Progress -- Week 1 in pictures

What We've Been Up To

We have been staying quite busy during the month of September. Labor Day weekend was filled with time outside. We visited Daddy's place and went to a park. We also headed to Binder Park Zoo on Labor Day itself. It is a zoo that is a little drive for us, but well worth it! They have an African section complete with giraffes, zebras, and monkeys, they also had kangaroos. The kids had a blast and mom, grandma, and grandpa enjoyed it as well!

Last weekend Lily and Wyatt stayed overnight at my parent's house while I went down to Val's. Her wedding is quickly approaching, so we (bridesmaids) threw her a personal shower! I always love my time with Val but this was especially fun! I even got to see my college roommate who I had not seen in over 6 years.

On Monday, work began on the outside of our house. My brother-in-law is a builder and he and his "crew" are re-siding, replacing all the windows, taking out the two garage doors to put in one big door, and changing out the columns in the front of the house. I am also pleased to announce that the pink front door has left us for a mocha brown one! :) It is a little loud here during the day and there is a lot of construction dust as well (from the windows), but I love what has been done so far and they have only worked for two days!

The kids and I have started a busier schedule too; on Tuesdays we have story time and on Wednesday nights they have AWANA. Lily has done well and Wyatt has surprised me with his bravery! It is so bittersweet watching them grow up, I wish I could slow time down just a little!

The Lot at the End of My Block

Here is a video of Lily and Wyatt "reading" a book with Erin! So cute!

now i know my abc's

when my heart breaks again...

Grief is no longer something that colors every moment of every day for me.

I find joy and contentment in my daily life with Lily and Wyatt. We laugh together and play together; we battle "3" together.

I know that I am blessed!

But, there are still those moments when the loss of Ryan seems almost too much to bear.

When I think about the fact that Lily can't be "Daddy's Little Girl" (I know she would have Ryan wrapped around her little finger!).

When I think about the fact that Wyatt doesn't have his Daddy around to teach him "guy" things that Mommy has no idea about.

When I read about the importance of a dad on the life of his children and the lasting impact that it has on their future.

And after 15 months without Ryan, it is still hurts sometimes to sit down and eat dinner at the table with just the kids and I.

Those are the times when my heart breaks again...

H * O * P * E

Hope...where do I find it? These words keep running through my head as I tried to determine what to share about HOPE.

My hope is built on nothing less

Than Jesus' blood and righteousness

I dare not trust the sweetest frame

But wholly lean on Jesus' Name

~ 1st verse of "On Christ the Solid Rock I Stand"

If someone had asked me where I find hope 2 years ago I am not sure exactly what I would have said, but I am confident that the answer would not be the same that it is today. After losing Ryan my perspectives on life were changed. The things of this world no longer matter quite as much as they once did. Life is no longer about the here and now. It is about eternity. It is about my relationship with my Savior. It is about trusting in the promises of God and living my life for Him.

I am still hopeful about the things in my life right now: Lily and Wyatt, relationships, the future. But my HOPE is located in Jesus and in knowing that one day I will live forever in heaven and in knowing that one day I will see Ryan again.

Homesick...

So true...

(Remember to pause the blog music)