It was one year ago that I last saw Ryan's face. It was the day of his Celebration of Life service here in Michigan. I was doing alright. I felt strong (read: numb). Then our funeral director told me they needed to close the casket so that the service could begin.
At that point, I lost it. This was real. I had to say good-bye. It was the last time I would be able to look at his face and say "I love you." I could not breath. I wanted to collapse. I could NOT do this. It hurt too much.
I don't know how I managed to walk back to the room where the family was gathered. I don't know how I managed to follow Ryan's casket into the Family Life Center at church. I don't know how I held it together at the cemetery when Wyatt tried to open the casket so he could see Daddy...
That is not true. I do know how I did those things. I did those things through God's strength, just as I have done every thing throughout past year. He has been my source of strength. He will continue to be my source of strength. He has used people to give me strength. He has listened to the prayers of others on my behalf. And on the days when I still don't know how I am going to make it...He will continue to be my strength!
3 comments:
Kristin,
I found your beautiful blog yesterday and have read your entire story. The tears came many times while reading. Maybe it was because I was reminded of our family.
Let me explain: Even though I am old enough to be your grandmother, I always carry the memories of my own grandmother.
At the age of 28, with four little children and five months pregnant with her fifth child, she was widowed when my grandfather died at the age of 29. Even though I was always close to her she never had much to say about her journey. When questioned about it she would only say, "Times were hard," and "I didn't know if I could keep my family together."
She DID keep her family together, and raised five wonderful children. Both of her boys came back from the war as heros and her girls cleaned houses for other people, starting at the tender ages of six and seven.
She never remarried, stating, "If God had wanted me to have a husband he wouldn't have taken mine." I can't say I totally agree with her on that one. Life may have been much easier for all of them if a new husband had come into the picture.
I just wanted to let you know that I've admired her all my life and she's always been my hero. But NOW I have another hero, and it's YOU! If you were here at this moment I would wrap my arms around you and never let you go.
Always remember, God is with you and He will see you through.
Please keep up your wonderful blog so that we all may watch the journey that you and your precious children take. You are doing a fabulous job!
Sincerely,
Rose Broadway
I find so much strength through your blog and thank you so very much for sharing.
Kristin,
You are an inspiration to me. Your dependence on God, the love for your husband and children. The sorrow you feel is always followed by scripture or just the acknowledgement that the Lord is getting you through this time. Lily and Wyatt are so fortunate to have you as their Mommy.
Sincerely,
Kristin
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