Year Two

I have been in year two without Ryan for a few weeks. I knew that things would not immediately change after the first year was over. I don't have to face as many firsts, but my overall situation has not been altered.

Just before June 6, I was reading about year two on a widows website and I learned that year two is actually harder for many people --fabulous! The first year is filled with decision making, numbness, anticipation of firsts, etc. The second year is REALITY. Reality is that I have found a routine. I have found a new normal. But, I still don't like it! I still hate the feeling of loneliness that is never far away and is at times suffocating. I still hate the fact that dinner time is almost always just the three of us. I still hate that when my alarm goes off each morning I have to remember what day it is and try to find something to look forward to about that day.

My prayer over the last few weeks has been that God would fill me with contentment and peace. He has me walking this path for a reason, but I am struggling to be okay with it. I want things to be different. I don't want to feel grief so much any more.

Some of you have noticed a change in my attitude. I suspect that this is what you are seeing. It is so hard for me to actually give voice to what I am feeling, so please forgive me for not being me. Please pray that God once again fills me with His peace and contentment as He did so often in year one. I know that I will make it through year two by God's grace and strength!