And I began to wonder: what would life be like if Ryan were still here?
If Ryan were still alive he would probably have had a lung transplant. Maybe we would be living the life we had dreamed of. Maybe Ryan would be feeling great and maybe he would be active, doing all the things he would want to.
But maybe not.
Maybe there would be complications from the transplant. Maybe he would experience rejection on a regular basis. Maybe the other aspects of CF would still dominate our lives.
If Ryan was doing well, would he still be enjoying his job? Would he still have a job? Would we have greater financial worries in these difficult economic times? Would we still be renting a townhouse or would we have been able to buy a house like the one we live in today?
If Ryan were alive and doing well, would I be who I am today? Would my faith have grown in the ways it has because of his death? Would I have fully surrendered to God's will? Would I turn to God first in everything or would I still rely on Ryan for the answers?
I will never know what our life would hold if Ryan were still alive, but I am thankful for the things that have happened in the wake of his death:
- Ryan is healthy and whole in heaven, he no longer has to suffer.
- My faith has grown and my love for my Savior has deepened.
- My perspectives on life have changed -- the little things don't bother me nearly as much -- my focus is on eternity now.
- We are financially secure, we have a home to live in, we are provided for.
I miss my husband.
I miss the father of my children.
But I have been abundantly blessed.
4 comments:
You are so beautiful! I miss your husband too! He was such an AMAZING guy. I hesitate to tell you the days that I think of him (which believe it or not are rather often!) for fear of making you sadder (is that possible?). I love you Kristin and your faith is an inspiration! I cannot believe how you do what you do daily except I too believe in a mighty God and His awesome strength. Thanks for this post, I love your transparency, please keep sharing your life with us!
Who would he be cheering for in the World Series? (ha!) I love you, my dear friend! Hold tight to the truth and keep running the race....HOPE!
Miss you!
If ever the time comes and M goes home I pray that I can be as strong as you. Your such an inspiration. Thank you for sharing all that you do.
I hope your having a wonderful day!!
What a great post. I think about these kinds of things since losing my son, Noah 3 months ago. I know my faith has grown and my husband and I are so much more "eternally focused" than we have ever been before. We are learning a whole new definition of trust.
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