two years since it all began.
it is so hard to believe that it has already been two years since things started to go downhill. friday was the two year mark of ryan's unexpected hospitalization because he was too sick to have his heart cath done (not when he went on the ventilator).
i can still shut my eyes and see so many of those moments clearly. the walk down to the er. the tiny little room where we had to wait for hours to be admitted. the drive to meijer to get some clothes for our unexpected stay. the dark hotel room i had to sleep in by myself. the first visits to the cafeteria at u of m. the phone calls i had to make.
it was two years ago today that our family and friends moved us from our two bedroom townhouse to our three bedroom one so that life would be a little easier for ryan at home. it was a "home" that ryan only got to live in for 5 short days.
in a few short days, it will be two years since ryan left for the hospital to never come home again.
two years ago, lily and wyatt were not even 2 yet. they have spent almost half of their little lives without their daddy. it seems so unfair.
yesterday we were in lily's room and wyatt looked at her picture of ryan and said, "i miss daddy." it broke my heart. i miss daddy too!
i miss his laughter.
i miss his smile.
i miss his hugs.
i miss holding his hand.
i miss his voice.
i miss hearing him play with lily and wyatt.
i miss the sound of him breathing beside me each night.
i miss his encouragement.
i miss helping him with his treatments.
i miss watching tv shows with him.
i miss his explanations of all things political.
i miss sitting next to him in church.
i miss eating dinner with him.
i miss packing his lunch each day.
i miss helping him pick just the right tie for work.
i miss nagging him to pick up his stuff around the house.
even though it has been two years since it all "began" it still hurts. it seems to be hurting more lately than it has in awhile. maybe it is because all the memories. maybe it is because of the fact that life keeps moving forward and ryan isn't in it. whatever the reason, it hurts.
6 comments:
I love that you're honest with us. I can't even imagine what pain you're experiencing but I can pray for you and be there for you! You are such a great example for the world of how you can trust God and know that he's there for you all the time! Praying for you, especially over the next few months as more big milestones pass.
I have not had to live through what you have and I will not even pretend to "know." But I too appreciate your honesty. I do not have the words or any fixes for this pain but once again I bring you to our Heavenly Father. I pray He will continue to carry you through and meet your every need.
I miss him too! Love you!
I hurt for you. I am so sorry. We both have some one we are looking extremely forward to reuniting with in Heaven. I love you.
Kristin...
I am so sorry to hear that you are hurting so deeply. I wish I had the 'right words' to lift you up, to make life easier - but we both no that there are no 'right words'.. and honestly that just plain STINKS!
I don't know why God has put us on these paths...I don't know why we have to continue on through life with a broken heart...none of it makes any sense at all. Please know that you can email me or call me if you need someone to talk to - someone who will just listen, no matter how you are feeling.
Please know we will continue to pray for you and also for your sweet little ones..oh how my heart aches for all of you.
1000 hugs for you tonight hun...
I miss seeing Ryan sitting next to you in church. I miss his humor and the dynamic he brought to small group. Thank you for letting us get a glimplse of what you are going through. I will continue to pray for you.
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