- the number of days since June 6, 2008
- the number of days since Ryan went to heaven
- the number of days I have been a widow
- the number of days my children have not had their daddy
- the number of days I have searched for a new "normal"
23...
- the number of days to June 6, 2009
- the number of days left to get through this first year
Yesterday, as I sat in the drive-thru at the bank, I was hit with reality. It was as though I realized for the first time that this is my life now. I am a widow. I am a single mom. I have to do this on my own. I don't have any other choices, because Ryan isn't coming back.
I have obviously known all of these facts for almost a year. I have grieved Ryan's death; I have grieved my new roles in life; I have grieved the dreams I have lost. I have found joy in the small things. I have peace and strength that only God can give.
I think it just hit me so hard because I have become used to it. I have found a new "normal". I have learned how to get through each day without Ryan. I have found the strength to deal with two 3 year olds. I have managed to create a life here where I am able to laugh and smile, to have hopes and dreams.
I know that those are all good things for me, yet I do not like it. I do not like this new normal. I wish Ryan was here living life with me, raising Lily and Wyatt with me.
I wonder where God will take us now. A year ago I had no idea that this would be my life today. The future is a scary thing for me, because I have no idea what lies ahead. Growing up I always knew (or thought I did) what was coming: graduation from high school and college, a teaching career, marriage, children, happily ever after... I accomplished all those goals, well almost. But now what. Where does I go from here? I am not sure what God's plans are for me future and it is scary for me. I am trying to rest peacefully in His promises for me...not an easy thing to do.
{As far as June 6, 2009 goes, I am not sure what it will look like for me. To be honest, I cannot begin to imagine what I will be feeling that day. Many of you have asked what I want to do that day or what you can do for me that day. My answer...I don't know. I cannot picture what I want that day to be. I know that I don't want it to be a day full of sadness, although I am sure there will be some tears. I am hoping to figure out a way to "celebrate" Ryan's 1st Birthday in heaven. Please be patient with me as that day approaches...my emotions have already been a mess (although I hide it most of the time). Thanks for your love, support, and understanding.}
8 comments:
Kristin your strength and faith constantly make me work for that myself. We'll be here for you no matter what you decide to do that day! We love you and pray for you daily!
My prayers... always.
Much love to you and your family. I'm sure you will know just what to do when the time comes.
praying for you my friend..what a year it has been. so much Ryan has missed. God continues to make you into an incredibly strong, beautiful woman. I will pray that this new sense of "normal" will bless you in an amazing way!
Still praying ... Thank you for sharing your heart. God has so many good things in store for you!
oh kristin.... these last few weeks until ryan's 1st heaven bday...i wish you didn't have to go through that pain. please know that even though you may feel alone - you're not - there's an entire army praying you through.
looking forward to sitting down and talking with you someday.
My heart is aching for you Kristin.
I too am facing the dreaded question of.."what to do..what to do?"
Oh how I wish I could be there with you on his Heavenly Birthday. Just to sit and cry..to listen to memories..laugh at funny stories and ponder the future. I am so sorry this date is quickly approaching for you - my heart breaks because I know how scary it feels when a date is quickly approaching - whether you want it to or not..watching life go by, with no way to slow it down or change the outcome.
I wish I had the *right words* to say, but I know all to well that there are no right words...together, all we can do is pray. Pray for peace. Pray for strength. Pray for guidance.
Love and hugs dear friend..lots of love and hugs.
I know every situation is different, but the 1 year anniversary for me was almost a relief. It was hard to grasp but wonderful to realize that the "hardest part" was hopefully over and that God never left my side through it all. We did cry, we laughed, we even called it a "Tammy went to Heaven" day just to try to keep things light. You are in our prayers as the anticipation can sometimes be worse then the actual day!
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