CF Awareness

Weekend Update

Thanksgiving has come and gone. We "survived" our first holiday without Ryan. There were a few tears, but overall it went well. I greatly appreciated the hugs that I received and the willingness of others to talk about Ryan. The kids had great fun running around with their cousins and did quite well despite skipping naps!

It has been a busy couple of days after the holiday as well. Early yesterday morning, Papa Steve got here to spend a little time with us. The kids played, and played, and played with their Papa Steve. While the three of them were napping, I joined in on the craziness of Black Friday and went to the mall. I got a little of my Christmas shopping done, but I also got some fun things for me. :)

Today, Saturday, was filled with more playing, but we also went and looked at a house. I want to be able to purchase a house for the kids and I that will be a place we can grow into and stay for quite awhile. It is an overwhelming task. I need to think about things like: school district, the number to bedrooms and bathrooms, the size of the lawn. These are things that everyone must consider when buying a new house, it just causes me to feel the loss of Ryan even more. We can't bounce ideas off one another or state the pros and cons of different houses. I know that I have people that I can ask, but ultimately it is my decision -- one that I am not looking forward to making on my own.

Over the past few days I have also added to our ornament collection with our 2008 ornaments. Lily and Wyatt had fun picking out their own ornaments, although the girl selection was quite limited.

Wyatt's "Backhoe Loader" (probably not an accurate name, but it's Wyatt calls it).

Lily's bear (it is pink, that is why she got it -- she is not into bears or dancing, but again, our choices were limited :) ).

The harder ornament to choose was our family ornament. It made the most sense to get a "three person" ornament, but Ryan is still part of our life. I went with two ornaments:

Lily, Wyatt, and Mommy 2008

Our angel, Daddy (the wagon says 6/6/2008)

Here are just some random pictures from the past few days:

Lily enjoys checking out the ornaments on the tree.

Being silly while eating our cereal.

Watching the parade on Thanksgiving morning.

Christmas Spirit

In order to get into the Christmas spirit, I have added a Christmas music playlist to the blog. The Christmas music will automatically start playing when you arrive on the blog. If you prefer the regular music, pause the Christmas list and start the original playlist located just under the Christmas list on the right hand side of the blog.

Thanksgiving

Today is Thanksgiving. It is a day to remember all of the blessings that God has put in our lives. I thought that it might be interesting to go back and see what I was thankful for 1 year ago and compare it to what I am thankful for today.

Last Years Blessings:
1. A God who loves me in spite of my sinful nature -- GRACE!
2. Ryan, a wonderful husband who also loves me in spite of my sinful nature :)
3. Lily Grace and Wyatt Ryan -- what would my life be without them?
4. My Mom and Dad who help me so tremendously.
5. All of my family and friends, Michigan and Illinois alike, who love me and support me in this journey called life.
6. A great friend who is a terrific example of faith in all situations.
7. A GREAT church where I am able to worship God and grow in Him.
8. A small group with people who care and challenge me in ways they don't even know.
9. The insurance in MI that covers 100% of the cost of Ryan's CF medical care!!!
10. Ryan's great job and the flexibility they offer with Ryan's health.

This Years Blessings:
1. A God who loves me, walks beside me, and strengthens me in my grief.
2. Ryan, a wonderful husband, who made me a better person in our short time together!
3. Lily Grace and Wyatt Ryan -- what would my life be without them?
4. My Mom and Dad who help me so tremendously.
5. All of my family and friends, Michigan and Illinois alike, who love me and support me in this journey called life.
6. A great friend who is a terrific example of faith in all situations.
7. A GREAT church where I am able to worship God and grow in Him.
8. A small group with people who care and listen.
9. The insurance in MI that covered 100% of the cost of Ryan's CF medical care -- where would I be right now without this?
10. 5/3rd Bank's Wealth Management Department.

Surprisingly, my lists are very similar. God has continued to bless me despite hardship and it is important that I continually recognize that. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says "Be joyful (not happy, but joyful) always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

I am not thankful that Ryan is not here with me, but I am thankful that he is in heaven and that he no longer faces the suffering that his life on this earth required. I am thankful that God has so richly blessed me with family and friends who love me and hold me up as I grieve. I am thankful for my wonderful children: their smiles and their laughter. I have many reasons to be thankful for today, so I will focus on those as I feel the loss of my wonderful husband today, Thanksgiving Day.

Day 20

I must admit that as Thanksgiving has drawn closer it has been harder for me to find things to be thankful for. It is not that I don't see the blessings in my life, it is just the fact that there is a huge hole in my heart. I miss Ryan and all that he brought into my life: his laughter, his patience, his love, his generosity, his loyalty, his positive attitude, his perseverance. Tomorrow will be a tough day. I will be surrounded by people who love me, but the person I most desire to be with will be missing.

But tonight I am thankful for the memories that are in my heart. Although Ryan is no longer with me, I have so many memories of our life together. They make me smile and they make me cry, but they are a treasure that I am thankful to have. I look forward to passing them on to Lily and Wyatt.

Over the next couple of weeks, I will try and share some of our Christmas stories and traditions. I would LOVE for those of you who knew Ryan to share stories with me as well. They will be a treasure to both the kids and me. Feel free to email them to me (click on my profile) if you would like.

Thanks for your continued thoughts and prayers for us. You are all a huge blessing to me!

Day 19

I forgot to post last night, but I wanted to make sure to include what I was thankful for yesterday.

I am thankful for two friends who allowed me to talk about Ryan. They listened and laughed as I described different events of our marriage. The told me what they remember and appreciated about him. They didn't mind when I got a little choked up. They allowed me to express my fears about the holidays and offered to be there when I needed them.

Thanks, girls, I really appreciate it! You have no idea how much it meant to me!

Christmas Ornament Question

When I posted the Christmas Ornament post, I told you to feel free to ask questions about them. This was the question that I got from Heather at snap, crackle, pop x 2 said... I'm so glad you have your tree up and that it went well. How did the kids like it? I'll bet they were excited! What was Ryan's favorite part about the holidays? What's your favorite ornament?

The kids are enjoying the tree, but we are still working on the "no touching" rule. They love going around the tree and pointing at which ornaments are theirs. They would love to be able to take them off the tree, but I am afraid they would tip the whole tree over.

Ryan's favorite part of the holidays was getting to spend time with family. He LOVED being at family gatherings. He enjoyed laughing with his brother and sister, watching the kids open their presents, giving presents, just being with the people that he loved. He was also the rare type of guy that really enjoyed the shopping.


As far as a favorite ornament, it is hard to pick just one.

I love this one because we got it when we were in Maui on our honeymoon. It says "Just Mauied". :)

I love this one because I got it the year that the twins were born, our two peas in a pod.

I would say that this year my favorite is the one that his mom got us last year. It is a polar bear family ornament. Each of the stars says our names: Kristin, Wyatt, Lily, and Ryan, plus the year is on it as well. It will forever be our last "complete" family ornament, so it means a lot to me as I see it on the tree this year.

Day 18

I was sitting in GriefShare tonight and a person in the video said something that really struck me. Christmas is about suffering. Yes, Christmas is the celebration of Christ, the Messiah's birth, but what did he come for? He came to suffer and die on the cross for the sins of this world, my sins. He came to defeat death and Satan. That statement, Christmas is about suffering, reminded me of the hope that I have because of my relationship with Jesus. Death does not have the final say. Satan will be defeated. So though life is difficult tonight, I am thankful for that hope and that assurance.

Christmas Quiz

I have received this in email a couple of times now, so I thought I would turn it into a blog tag. If you are reading this, consider yourself tagged.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? wrapping paper!
2. Real tree or Artificial? artificial
3. When do you put up the tree? Usually the day after Thanksgiving; this year it went up early
4. When do you take the tree down? Usually the day after Christmas
5. Do you like eggnog? NO
6. Favorite gift received as a child? I don't really remember any, so....
7. Hardest person to buy for? Depends on the year...
8. Easiest person to buy for? This year, Wyatt
9. Do you have a nativity scene? Yes -- Little People :)
10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail -- not sure it will happen this year
11.Worst Christmas gift you ever received? Ask me the story of our first married Christmas (thanks, Val)
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? It's A Wonderful Life
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? September this year
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? no
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? can't think of anything
16. Lights on the tree? yes, white
17. Favorite Christmas song? Silent Night or O Holy Night
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? usually do some traveling
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer's? Nope
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Nothing on top this year, the tree is too small. Usually a star.
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? We don't have a set time, it depends on if we are in MI or IL
22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? The rude shoppers
23. Favorite ornament theme or color? Silver
24. Favorite for Christmas dinner? Ham
25. What do you want for Christmas this year? To be in heaven

A Day to Remember (Day 17)

Grief is unpredictable. Grief comes in waves.

Today as I was having my quiet time, I was thanking God for getting me to where I, for allowing me to find a new "normal", for continually helping me to keep going. I was feeling refreshed and secure. I was feeling like I was doing alright.

Then the wave hit.

Today is November 23. It is not a day of special significance, but then I started thinking about the fact that it was 8 months ago today that Ryan went on a ventilator. That lead to me thinking about the fact the I am entering into a period of time filled with 1 year anniversaries starting with 1 year since visiting U of M and meeting Dr. Ojo for the first time (December 20). My birthday is also coming. I remember feeling sorry for myself last year when Ryan was in the hospital on my birthday; this year I wish I was going to be able to visit him in the hospital on my birthday this year.

Today also included a Holiday Remembrance Program hosted by the funeral home. It was so emotional to "remember" Ryan in that way; to be at a place with others also filled with grief; to listen to Amazing Grace being sung and being asked to sing along on the last verse. I don't often cry in public, but I did today. Tears streamed down my face as I saw my husband's name flashed up on the screen, as I walked to the front to light a candle in his memory, as I listened to Psalm 23 being read, as the pastor talked about how grief is in all the little things.

Today it hurts. Grief is still here. It is still overpowering.

But I am thankful for the opportunity to remember my husband today and I am thankful that God is here with me helping me get through this hard day too.

Day 16

I am thankful for my parents continued willingness to help me out with the kids!

Christmas Ornament Story

Today I put up our Christmas tree. It is not a real tree and it is not big, but it works for our little house. There are not many ornaments on the tree this year, but for this year, simple is best. I chose the ornaments that are most special and best tell the story of the Sweeney 4.

I was not as emotional about putting the tree up as I thought I might be, but I also chose to do it on a "good" day. Looking through the ornaments made me sad, but it was also a good reminder of all the blessings that Ryan and I experienced together. I will continue to be thankful for the time that we did have together even though I wish there had been more.

There are stories behind most of the ornaments, so if you are interested in knowing about a specific ornament, feel free to ask and I would be happy to share!

Day 15

Today I was blessed with a wonderful gift. A young woman from our church donated a few hours of her time so that I could get out of the house for a little while. It was such a huge gift.

When she first approached me regarding this, I had a hard time accepting it. I am not good at accepting help, I tend to think that I can do everything myself and I don't want to be an inconvenience to anyone. But over the last 5 1/2 months, I have come to the realization that I cannot do it all on my own. Yes, God gives me the strength to do all of the things he has set before me, but he also provides people to help me out, to give me breaks.

So, tonight I am thankful for this young woman and her generous heart!

Day 14

I know that I have said it before, but I am so thankful for Lily and Wyatt. They keep me busy and they tire me out, but I love them so much! They make each day just a little better with their smiles, their giggles, their hugs and kisses, and their silliness. It is not easy to be an "only" parent, but it is worth it. They are the reason I am able to get out of bed each day and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I am thankful for these two precious gifts that God brought into our lives, two precious reminders of their wonderful daddy (especially little Miss Lily with her looks and personality).

Watching "George" in the morning is a must!

Little Bears Fans: following in Daddy's footsteps. "Touchdown"

Thanks Aunt Michele, Uncle Gary, and Emily for the new slippers! They are a big hit!

I am truly blessed!

Happy Birthday, Kelly!

Today is Kelly's birthday. Her 30th birthday!

Kelly, I hope that you have a great day and that you enjoy being 30!

Thanks for paving the way for me. :)

Day 13

I am thankful that I was able to fill up under my gas tank for under $32.00! It was only a few months ago that it was costing us more than $64.00 to fill up the car. I am not good at staying home, so I am thankful that the cost of gas has come down (although I do realize it means that our economy is really yuck right now).

I am also thankful that for the way God has provided for our family financially since Ryan died. I know that times are very difficult financially for many people right now, but due to the way things have fallen, I do not have to "worry" about money right now. We are by no means rich, but I know that I will be able to pay my bills and feed my kids, so for that I am thankful!

The Holidays are Coming

The holidays are coming... so many "firsts". I wish that I could fast forward through the next several weeks and be at January 2nd, 2009. It will be really hard for me this year to celebrate. My heart is not in it. I don't want to put up a tree or decorate the house. I don't want to participate in a bunch of family traditions. All of those things will be a reminder to me that my family isn't the same, nor will it ever be the same again. I am afraid that everyone will avoid "Ryan" and I will feel even more like people have forgotten him. I wish that the kids and I could just escape for awhile, but that is not reality. That is not going to bring Ryan back. It is not going to stop the firsts from coming.

So, I am asking for your help. If you see me in the next couple of weeks, please don't avoid me. Don't avoid Ryan. Yes, I might cry, but sometimes I would rather not cry alone. Please pray that I have strength for the weeks ahead. Pray that I can make this a good Thanksgiving and Christmas for Lily and Wyatt.

Thanks for loving us through this time!

20 Days of Gratitude: Day 12

Despite a day filled with temper tantrums and a lot of "NO!", we ended the night on a good note. Today I am thankful for friends from church. A couple from church came over and had dinner with us tonight. Then Shannon read TONS of books to the kids while Matt worked on some stuff with my computer. It was great having them over and getting to know them better, not to mention having adult conversation! Thanks for coming!

20 Days of Gratitude: Day 11

Today I was thankful for the opportunity to substitute teach. I had a great time with the 5th graders, who were much less intimidating than I thought they would be. The days get a little boring, but it is nice to be back in the classroom and interacting with students again.

I am also thankful that God gave me the strength to go and visit a friend in the hospital. (I have not been back to the hospital since Ryan left there in an ambulance on March 25.) I was a lot less emotional than I thought I would be and it was good be to able to be there for a friend!

20 Days of Gratitude: Day 10

Today I am thankful for Lily and Wyatt's giggles! They have been super silly since getting home from small group tonight. Even now I can hear them up in their beds laughing together!