2009 ~ Year in Review

It is hard to believe that today is the last day of 2009. I remember thinking on New Year's Day that it was going to be a long year. I remember crying as I thought of starting a new year without Ryan. I was dreading what was ahead and dreading the fact that I was going to be facing in "alone." God has more than blessed me as I look back over all that we have done in this year.

Here are a few highlights from each month of 2009:

• January was a month filled with two big blessings! My niece, Jessie Marie, was born and I bought our house! :)
• February was a busy month as the new house was painted and "remodeled." We moved in on the 21st -- I still LOVE it!
• In March, we celebrated Ryan's birthday. It was a difficult day, but so good to remember too! The weather started getting warmer and we were able to start enjoying our big backyard.
• Lily and Wyatt turned 3 in April!
• The highlight of May would have to be our trip to Disney World. It was a quick trip, but so much fun!
• June marked the one year anniversary of Ryan's death. We were loved and supported, it was a weekend of celebration for the life Ryan lived! We also took a trip to Illinois to spend time with family and friends. Lily and Wyatt were potty trained too!
• July was a relaxing month. We enjoyed the cooler temperatures that this summer held. We also made a day trip to Chicago for Grandma-Great's birthday. Lily and Wyatt rode a real pony for the first time at the church picnic.
• In August we spent some time at the beach with friends and attended different activities at church.
• September started with a trip to Binder Park Zoo on Labor Day -- what a fun place, we will definitely go again! Lily and Wyatt started attending Cubbies at church. The outside of the house received a face lift with new windows, siding, and garage door.
• October was a fun month for me! I was able to be a part of my friend, Val's, wedding day. The kids enjoyed time with Nana and Papa while Mommy was away. They also enjoyed dressing up for Halloween.
• The highlight of November was Thanksgiving.
• December has been a blur with holiday gatherings and visits from good friends. I celebrated my birthday. And we all celebrated the birth of our Savior!

We have been blessed. We have a wonderful home and we are all healthy! We are loved and supported by our family and friends. There are still difficult days (the second year of grief really is more difficult), but God continues to sustain me with His love and strength!

Happy New Year! May God bless you richly in 2010!

Christmas in Pictures

Well, Christmas 2009 has come and gone. It was a whirlwind of parties and craziness, but a lot of fun too.

Traditions of Christmas:
ornaments ~ one for each of the kids to represent something about their year and a family ornament
watching some Christmas classics (Charlie Brown & the Grinch) together in our jammies (new this year)
making some sort of birthday cake for Jesus and singing Happy Birthday to him!

Schedule of our Christmas week ~ BUSY!:
Christmas Eve's Eve (Wednesday): made cupcakes and watched Christmas classics
Christmas Eve (Thursday): decorated cupcakes and cookies with friends, opened some presents on Skype with family in Florida, Christmas Eve Service at church
Christmas Day (Friday): Christmas breakfast -- singing Happy Birthday to Jesus, opening presents as a family, celebration with my family, celebration with my Dad's extended family
Saturday: packed up and headed to Illinois (and a winter storm), party with Ryan's extended family, checked into our hotel, party with Papa Steve (Ryan's dad)
Sunday: church (at the church Ryan and I were married in), party with Grammy (Ryan's mom), quick visit with Papa Steve, dinner with friends
Monday: packed up and headed home!

Merry Christmas!

... from the Sweeney's!

Enjoy your day celebrating the birthday of our King!

Happy Birthday, Jesus!

Anticipating Christmas

The tree has been up for over a month. The presents are wrapped (some are even assembled to make for an more pleasant Christmas morning). Treats have been made. Plans have been worked out. Everything is all set to have a Merry Christmas.

But "everything" is not quite accurate. My heart doesn't feel "all set" to have Christmas. In a way I am dreading Christmas morning, the time when the kids and I will open our presents together. Without Ryan, it felt like something was missing last year and it feels like something is missing again this year. I can hear in my head his laughter at the kids playing with their new toys. I know he would be right there on the floor playing with Wyatt's new farm and Lily's new baby nursery. In fact, He would probably be more excited than Lily and Wyatt were about Christmas morning!

I know that there is nothing I can do to change the fact that Ryan is not here. And even if there were, I would never want him to have to leave heaven to come back to this earth where he suffered so much. It is just that Christmas is a family time and that just makes me miss him even more.

I am trying to focus this year on the real reason for Christmas: Christ. I think of Mary and how she anticipated the birth of her son. This Christmas, my heart is anticipating Christ too. It is anticipating the day when Christ will return and I will get to be with my Savior in heaven. What a celebration of Christ that will be!

18 Months

So much changes in 18 months:

When Ryan died, Lily and Wyatt were 2 years, 2 months, and 3 days old; today they are 3 years, 8 months, and 3 days old.

When Ryan died, Lily and Wyatt were wearing diapers; now they are potty trained.

When Ryan died, Lily and Wyatt were too young to play outside without me; today, I bundled them up and sent them into the backyard to explore and play independently in the snow.

When Ryan died, Lily and Wyatt depended on me to get them up out of their cribs each morning; now they sleep in big kid beds, they wake up and search for me each morning.

When Ryan died, Lily and Wyatt needed me to get them dressed from head to toe each day; now they are choosing their clothes and getting themselves dressed most of the way.

It is so hard for me to believe that it has been 18 months since Ryan died. It continues to seem like it was only a month ago and years ago all at the same time. While there are parts of life that definitely seem to be getting easier, there are still days when I am not sure how to keep pressing on. I am tired: mentally, emotionally, and physically. Tired of parenting by myself. Tired of making all of the decisions. Tired of the ever-present loneliness.

Today I am seeking God for strength, for patience, for joy, and for hope -- to get me through today, to get me through the next 18 months, just as He has done each and every day of the last 18 months.

* S * N * O * W *

We had the first snow fall of the winter yesterday and it has brought a new joy to our lives! Lily and Wyatt are enjoying playing in it and I am enjoying the fact that they are old enough to go out and play in it by themselves! :) Enjoy the pictures and the video!

Wyatt "Reading" the Christmas Story

We have been reading the Christmas story from Luke 2 out of Lily and Wyatt's children's bible every night. Wyatt is great at memorization and this is a video of him "reading" the story. It is a long video (10 minutes), but if you have time to watch it I think you might enjoy it.

** Remember to turn off the music on the blog.

*** If you don't have a lot of time, there is a shorter video posted below.

Shepherds and Angels

A Matter of Perspective

For the last few weeks, I have been struggling with my perspective. The glass has been half empty instead of half full. I have felt sorry for myself and the fact that my life has not gone as I had planned. My birthday is coming and I have to say when I used to picture what my life would be like, it did not include being a widow with two small children at the age of 31.

I am trying to refocus my perspective. I am trying to see all of the MANY, MANY things I have to be thankful for. I am trying to be full of JOY!

So...

• instead of grumbling about washing the dishes by hand for weeks, I am thankful that I have a house to wash my dishes in, that I have food to put on my dishes, and that I have two wonderful children to make the dishes dirty. (I am also thankful that Maytag/Whirlpool is replacing the dishwasher at no cost to me -- yay, warranties!)
• instead of dreading bathing two 3 year olds, I am thankful for the giggles that come out with the bubbles and that I have clean, warm water to bathe them in.
• instead of complaining about having to work out, I am thankful that God has allowed me to have a healthy body that can work out.

Those are just a few things I am trying to change my perspective on. In reality, life is full of blessing if I just take the time to look for them. Christmas is coming -- the celebration of Jesus' birth. A day that is a great reminder of the sacrifice He made for me!

A Little Christmas Jingle!

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Thanksgiving

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I have much to be thankful for, but I can't help feeling a little sadness as well. It is another major holiday without Ryan. And while it is not the first Thanksgiving without Ryan, there are some "firsts" to it that bring about a whole new round of grief.

It was always our tradition to spend one year with my family and one year with Ryan's family (and then switch for Christmas). The last Thanksgiving (2007) that Ryan was alive we enjoyed our day with my mom's side of the family. We spent the afternoon and evening gathered together in a church gym eating, watching football (Ryan, not me), chatting with family we don't get to see often enough, looking through Black Friday ads, playing games, watching the kids run with their cousins, and of course eating some more.

This year, we are back with my mom's side of the family (last year was my dad's side because my parents "switch" too). It is the first Thanksgiving that I will spend with my mom's family without Ryan in 8 years. It makes me sad to know that I will not be able to look across the room to see him watching football with my cousins with Wyatt sitting in his lap, or hear him laugh about something someone said, or look through Black Friday ads together deciding if we are still crazy enough to fight the crowds to get what we want for Lily and Wyatt for Christmas.

Yet even on a day filled with some sadness, I have much to be thankful for:

• a God who loves me and provides for me.
• a deeper faith.
• two wonderful children who fill my day with laughter, hugs, kisses, and "I love you, Mommy."
• parents who love us and are willing to help with anything.
• family who has supported us for the last 17+ months.
• friends who continue to overwhelm me with their thoughtfulness and love, as well as make me laugh often.
• a babysitter for my children who has become a wonderful friend.
• a church family who amazes me with their acts of service on a regular basis.
• a beautiful house that has become our home.
• health -- for all three of us.
• financial security during difficult economic times.
• the ability to be a stay-at-home-mom.

I really am so blessed!

Christmas Cuties!

Here are some of our attempts at a Christmas card picture. We did pretty good considering there are two 3 year olds in the pictures who had not taken naps.

It's Beginning to Look a lot like Christmas!

I decided that I was ready to put up the Christmas decorations this week (yes, I know I broke the "rule" of not before Thanksgiving). A few weeks ago I bought a new pre-lit Christmas tree that is much bigger than the first Christmas tree Ryan and I had together (see Daddy tree). I decorated the big tree with all of our personalized ornaments as well as the glass bulb ornaments we had our first Christmas. Our first Christmas tree survived the move from Illinois to Michigan, as well as 3 years in storage, so I decided to make a "Daddy Tree" using all of Ryan's childhood ornaments (including a Buzz Lightyear).

I set up the Little People Nativity for Lily and Wyatt to play with and I put my Willowtree Nativity up out of the reach of little hands. Lily and Wyatt have spent HOURS playing with their nativity as well as their singing Snoopy and singing Snowman that Grandma-Great has given to us.

Life

A lot has happened in our life since my last post:

• I sprained my ankle.
• We were all sick for a week.
• I got a lot of Christmas shopping done.
• We had a visit from Grammy and Auntie Amanda.
• I have been overly emotional.
• A super hero moved in -- Super Why!
• The dishwasher broke (and is still broken).
• I have enjoyed my children and their silliness!

I hope you enjoy some silly pictures of them....their little personalities are really starting to shine through. Ryan would have laughed hysterically at all the little things they say and do.

Things they say and do:

• Wyatt (this morning while attempting to get dressed): "I am having a problem with my undies." And he definitely was. He had the waistband up where it belonged, but both legs were through the same leg hole...I wish I had taken a picture!
• They both will come and find me throughout the day to tell me they love me! :)
• Wyatt's favorite phrase right now: "Oh, I gotcha!"

Halloween Parade

We were invited to once again attend the 5/3rd Halloween Parade. It was held this past Thursday, so I dressed the kids up (Wyatt stayed a pirate and Lily chose to be Belle) and we headed downtown for some indoor Trick or Treating. The kids loved it and it was great to see our friends from "Daddy's Work," (not to mention we were able to get plenty of candy without dealing with any type of yucky weather).

Wyatt and Lily with Ms. Lisa (she gave them the little pumpkin Wyatt is holding)!

Trick or Treat!

Currently (6:45 am) we have a wind advisory and they are calling for a "wintry mixture of precipitation." Those words, plus the fact that we already have plenty of candy will probably keep my pirate and my princess home to pass candy out to the people who do decide to brave the weather of Halloween night!

Struggles and God's Provision

The past week has been filled with many, many different struggles. All of them seemed really big at the time, all of them made me feel extremely alone. But God has amazingly provided through all of them!

At the end of last week, and even the beginning of this week, Lily was throwing some major temper tantrums all day long! Those of you who have toddlers or who have had toddlers can relate, I am sure. Anything I asked her to do she said "NO!" Any time I asked her to obey, she did the opposite. She was screaming, crying, etc. I was getting very discouraged. It was getting harder and harder to be consistent, it was a challenge to remain patient, and I began to feel sorry for myself. I was missing Ryan and the help he would have brought (at least after 5:30).

Thankfully, God has placed a very special person in our lives who Lily and Wyatt ADORE! Erin was willing to come over and just hang out. She distracted Lily from her attitude, and didn't bat an eye when things began to go down hill. Erin is such a blessing in our lives, I really have no idea what I would do without her!

Tuesday, I wanted to get some work done in the yard. The leaves were getting to be overwhelming and I thought if I could at least get the front yard done it would be some progress. I went to start the leaf blower (which was only a week old) and I could not get it started for the life of me. I started bawling my eyes out, while Lily and Wyatt looked on. (Wyatt kept saying, "Mommy, it's really sad that you couldn't get that to work. " Cute, but so not helpful at the time!) I hated the fact that I could not get a simple tool to work so that I could take care of my own house.

I called Kevin, one of our pastors, and he was able to come over and try to help me. I felt better with the fact that he couldn't get it to work either! :) But I was grateful for his willingness to help me yet again and he even took it with him and figured out what the problem was! He has helped me with different things around the house many, many times and I am so grateful to God for his willingness!

Yesterday (Wednesday), I decided that since I could get the blower to work now, I would head out to the back yard and move some leaves around to make things easier for someone from our church who was going to be coming over to mow the leaves up later in the afternoon. Things were going well, until I slipped and fell down a couple of stairs and sprained my ankle. I hobbled inside and called a friend. She was concerned because she knows that I am a single mom and that I am very independent. As we were talking and trying to figure out what to do (she was 45 min. away), I was crying my eyes out again! Why? Why does it have to be so hard? Why do I have to be all alone when these things are happening?

Thankfully, God provided again! My neighbors had seen me fall and they asked Aaron, the guy from church who came to mow if I was okay. He didn't even know I was hurt, so he came to check. I was on the phone with another friend from church who told me that Aaron has medical training from his work in the army. Aaron, came in and worked on my foot, while two more friends from church came over and helped with the kids, got medicine from upstairs, brought dinner, took the kids to AWANA, etc. I do not enjoy having a sprained ankle or relying on the help of others, but God came through last night in HUGE ways!

I am not sure what this week of difficulties is for. It may be an attack from Satan for sharing my testimony in church on Sunday night. It may be a reminder to me that God does not want me relying on myself so much. It may be just another way for God to show himself faithful. What ever the reason, I am so thankful for the way God has blessed me with wonderful people to help me out!

what would life be like?

Last night I was really missing Ryan. I missed hearing him breathe while sleeping in bed next to me. I missed being able to just roll over and have him cuddle up to me or talk to me because I could not sleep.

And I began to wonder: what would life be like if Ryan were still here?

If Ryan were still alive he would probably have had a lung transplant. Maybe we would be living the life we had dreamed of. Maybe Ryan would be feeling great and maybe he would be active, doing all the things he would want to.

But maybe not.

Maybe there would be complications from the transplant. Maybe he would experience rejection on a regular basis. Maybe the other aspects of CF would still dominate our lives.

If Ryan was doing well, would he still be enjoying his job? Would he still have a job? Would we have greater financial worries in these difficult economic times? Would we still be renting a townhouse or would we have been able to buy a house like the one we live in today?

If Ryan were alive and doing well, would I be who I am today? Would my faith have grown in the ways it has because of his death? Would I have fully surrendered to God's will? Would I turn to God first in everything or would I still rely on Ryan for the answers?

I will never know what our life would hold if Ryan were still alive, but I am thankful for the things that have happened in the wake of his death:

• Ryan is healthy and whole in heaven, he no longer has to suffer.
• My faith has grown and my love for my Savior has deepened.
• My perspectives on life have changed -- the little things don't bother me nearly as much -- my focus is on eternity now.
• We are financially secure, we have a home to live in, we are provided for.

I miss Ryan.
I miss my husband.
I miss the father of my children.

But I have been abundantly blessed.

looking back

Halloween 2006

6 months old

a flower and a puppy

Halloween 2007

18 months old

2 little elephants

Halloween 2008

2 1/2 years old

2 little sweeties

Halloween 2009

3 1/2 years old

a princess and a pirate

A Pirate and a Princess -- Halloween Sneak Peek

Here are a couple pictures of the kids in their Halloween costumes. Wyatt is a pirate and he is very excited about it! Lily is a "princess" (although she looks a lot like a ballerina!). She may change her mind before Halloween actually arrives -- her original choice was a chicken. This was a costume that we considered for Wyatt two years ago. The Elephant and The Chicken Click on the link for a video that will make you smile. Lily and Wyatt were 1 1/2 at the time.