July 2009 -- In Pictures

We are already half way through July and I really haven't posted any pictures on the blog to show what we have done, mainly because we have been busy!

Month in Review:

I started the month with a visit to Val's for her bridal shower! It was so nice to be able to celebrate with her and to get a 24 hour mini-vacation!

We went to the 4th of July parade that I have gone to since I was child...it is not what it used to be, but Lily and Wyatt enjoyed it.

We had a visit from Auntie Val and Dave. It was the first time Lily and Wyatt have met Dave and I am happy to report that they have "approved"! :)

We traveled to Navy Pier in Chicago to celebrate Grandma-Great's birthday with all of Ryan's family. It was a whirlwind trip, but it was wonderful to surprise Grandma!

We have spent a day at the beach with friend! (no pictures of that...sorry!)

Not Complete Quite Yet...

Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6

God has been working on me recently. He has been convicting me of a sin area in my life that I have always struggled with, the sin of having a quick temper. As you might guess, the combination of a quick temper and two 3 year olds does not go well together. I would often lose my temper and end up yelling at Lily and Wyatt as a method of "discipline". Yelling at them did nothing but make them cry and often I would end up crying as well. The look on their precious faces would pierce my heart and make me regret my anger.

I love Lily and Wyatt. If I am quickly losing my temper with my children, am I truly loving them the way that God has called me to love them? 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8a describes love this way:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

In my sin I was not loving my children as God loves me; I was not reflecting the love of my heavenly Father to my children. I realized a few weeks ago that I needed to HATE my sin so that I could allow God to work in me to overcome my sin. It has since been my prayer DAILY, that God would fill me with His Spirit, allowing me to be the mom that He has created me to be; that God would allow Lily and Wyatt to feel loved by me; that I would discipline them out of love and patience and not out of anger and frustration.

I can feel God working in my heart and in our home. I am by no means a perfect mom. I still have moments when my quick temper takes over. But I must give God the glory for changing my heart; for giving me the patience and the ability to take a deep breath before dealing with a temper tantrum; for helping me become a better mom. I am confident that God, who began a good work in me, will carry it on to completion.

6 Years Ago

6 years ago today, Ryan and I began our life as husband and wife.

I miss my husband today.

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**This is the slideshow I created last year. Please remember to turn off the blog music.

Year Two

I have been in year two without Ryan for a few weeks. I knew that things would not immediately change after the first year was over. I don't have to face as many firsts, but my overall situation has not been altered.

Just before June 6, I was reading about year two on a widows website and I learned that year two is actually harder for many people --fabulous! The first year is filled with decision making, numbness, anticipation of firsts, etc. The second year is REALITY. Reality is that I have found a routine. I have found a new normal. But, I still don't like it! I still hate the feeling of loneliness that is never far away and is at times suffocating. I still hate the fact that dinner time is almost always just the three of us. I still hate that when my alarm goes off each morning I have to remember what day it is and try to find something to look forward to about that day.

My prayer over the last few weeks has been that God would fill me with contentment and peace. He has me walking this path for a reason, but I am struggling to be okay with it. I want things to be different. I don't want to feel grief so much any more.

Some of you have noticed a change in my attitude. I suspect that this is what you are seeing. It is so hard for me to actually give voice to what I am feeling, so please forgive me for not being me. Please pray that God once again fills me with His peace and contentment as He did so often in year one. I know that I will make it through year two by God's grace and strength!

Trusting in the Promises

It has been a difficult week. I have been stretched through circumstances. I have had to take a step back and look at myself. I have asked God to help me see myself clearly, to reveal my sins, imperfections, and faults.

I wish that we lived in a perfect world. I wish that life were fair. I wish that life were easy. I wish there were no more sorrow, crying, pain, or death. I wish that things could be taken at face value. I wish that people could understand.

Tonight I am listening to the promises of God sung in the words of some great praise and worship music. I am thanking my Jesus for loving me in spite of my sins and failures. I will sleep secure in His grace, love, mercy and strength!

Father's Day

It is Father's Day. It is a day to celebrate Dads and all that they do and all that they are in our lives. It is day filled with sadness for me as I watch my children go through life without their Daddy. I miss their Daddy and I wish he was here with me watching them grow and change! I wish he was here to laugh about their silliness and fill our house with patience during the difficult moments of life with two 3 year olds.


Ryan would be so proud of Lily and Wyatt. He would love to see how much they have accomplished in the past year:

• an explosive vocabulary with some really funny words
• riding tricycles
• going potty on the big kid potty
• sleeping in big kid beds
• memorizing Bible verses
• being brave at church
• swinging in swings (Wyatt)
• getting their shoes on by themselves
• getting dressed
• learning to love movies ;)
• reading books

Ryan is missed every day, but today it is noticed even more...

The Things They Say

I have been noticing lately that Lily and Wyatt sometimes use words that seem "beyond" 3. It cracks me up to hear them use such grown-up words, most of the time correctly. I am also glad to hear them talking this way, because I have feared that living in a house with only one adult they would hear mainly "kid" words and not develop a good vocabulary.

Here are some examples of their new, grown-up vocabulary:

Tonight during baths I was telling Wyatt that I really liked his new hair cut even though he didn't enjoy the actual cutting of the hair. He looked at me and said, "I appreciate that you love me." Yes, he seriously said "appreciate." It was so cute. I started laughing. :)

Lily's favorite word to use is "actually." Wyatt was trying to bring me my purse tonight and he couldn't quite get it to me so Lily took over and said, "actually, I will bring it to you, Mommy." She will also say, "I actually have to go potty" or "actually I went potty, Mommy"...

I LOVE THEM! :)

What We've Been Up To

We enjoyed the rest of our trip to Illinois this week...here is what happened after our day in the city on Wednesday.

Wednesday night: we visited with some friends and then we had dinner with Papa Steve at Chili's -- YUM! We then headed back to our hotel, where the kids enjoyed sleeping in the big beds just a little too much.

Wyatt was bouncing around and fell off the bed. Thankfully the only thing he ended up with was a fat lip.

Thursday morning, my mom, the kids and I headed to IKEA. (I have not been there since before the kids were born.) We spent 3 hours there shopping, exploring, and eating. The kids loved it and so did I!

In the afternoon we headed back to the hotel for a rest. The kids needed a nap, so my mom stayed at the hotel with them and I went to my friend, Rachel's house for a visit. I have not seen her in way too long. It was so nice to be able to catch up with her and spend some time with her daughter, Maddie, who I have only met one other time!

After Rachel's house, I picked up my mom and the kids and we went over to Grammy's house for dinner. It was good to be able to spend time with Laurel, Grandma Jean, Aunt Linda, Brittany, and Cameron. Lily loved all over her "baby Cameron!"

Wyatt loved being silly!

Friday morning, we went out to Kandy's house to hang out. The kids (Jackson, Lily, and Wyatt) enjoyed playing together and I enjoyed loving on Addison Hope! :) We took the kids to a school by their house and let them run and play on the playground. It is so fun to see all that they are able to do this year!


The afternoon was again spent taking naps!


For dinner Friday night, we went to the home of a wonderful family, the Dunham's! It was so fun to be able to catch up with all of them (Doug and Patty; Kristen, Kevin, and Seth; and Stefanie and Daniel), as well as spend more time with Papa Steve! Kristen and Kevin just arrived "home" for the summer from Hungary where Kevin is a teacher at school for "missionary" kids. I hadn't seen them in almost 2 years -- I had never met their little boy, Seth! It was also fun to watch all of the kids (Daniel, Seth, Lily and Wyatt) while the big kids (Papa Steve, "Grandpa" Doug, and Kevin) chased them around.

Lily and Wyatt playing in the sand box with Seth.

Daniel (Stefanie's son) and Lily waiting for another ride in the wagon!

Saturday morning we loaded up and headed home in the rain. We had a lot of fun while we were gone, but there is nothing quite like sleeping in your own bed!

Monday we began our adventures in potty training. I have been dreading potty training since before I was ever pregnant. It seemed like such an impossible, messy, overwhelming task. But, Lily and Wyatt have done FABULOUS! I would say that after only 3 days we are at least 95% potty trained (still in diapers at night). They are both able to tell me when they need to go and they are both dry after naps (diapers just in case for a few more days). I am so glad that I waited until they were a little older and did not force the issue back in February/March when I originally started! They have done so well and they are so proud of themselves! Mommy is proud too! :)

Making brownies today just for fun! :)

Growing in the Wilderness

At church this morning, Dr. Koole was talking about John the Baptist and the person that he was. The Bible goes from him being a baby to him being an adult with hardly any information given. Luke 1:80 "describes" his growing up: "And the child continued to grow, and to become strong in spirit, and he lived in the deserts until the day of his public appearance to Israel."

Dr. Koole went on to discuss what it means to become strong in the spirit and how most often it happens when we live in the "deserts"/wilderness (i.e. trials/difficulties). I was struck by how directly these words and situations apply to my life today; how when I hear these words I can look back and see how they have become evident over the last year.

1. Growing in patience: I must wait for God's timing, I am probably not as ready as I think I am and I must wait and trust God's timing and planning of life.
2. Growing in dependence: God uses these trials, these difficult times in my life, to increase my dependence on Him and Him alone.
3. Growing in contentment: God wants me to be content with what I have NOW! He does not want me longing for what once was or what maybe, rather He wants me to be satisfied with what He has given me today.
4. Growing in priorities/purpose: God wants me to be seeking out what HIS purpose and priorities are for me.
5. Growing in strength: God uses these seasons in my life to make me a stronger person!
6. Growing in courage: God allows our courage to grow as we go through the battles of life.
7. Growing in maturity.
8. Growing in preparation: God is using this time, this moment in my life to prepare me for something that will happen in the future.
9. Growing in relationship: I need to turn to God FIRST, not as a second option.

I know that in the past year I have grown in patience, dependence, contentment, priorities, strength, courage, maturity, preparation, and relationship. I also know that I have a LONG way to go. I am so thankful that God is walking with me through this wilderness. I do often wonder when it will end and what that will look like, but today, I am filled with joy at all God is doing in me during this time!

Day in Pictures -- Chicago

Wrigley Field -- Ryan's Brick

Lincoln Park Zoo with our friends, the Woodard's

We also enjoyed driving on Lake Shore Drive...one of my favorite roads to drive on with Lake Michigan on one side and the parks and Chicago skyline on the other.

Saying Good-Bye

It was one year ago that I last saw Ryan's face. It was the day of his Celebration of Life service here in Michigan. I was doing alright. I felt strong (read: numb). Then our funeral director told me they needed to close the casket so that the service could begin.

At that point, I lost it. This was real. I had to say good-bye. It was the last time I would be able to look at his face and say "I love you." I could not breath. I wanted to collapse. I could NOT do this. It hurt too much.

I don't know how I managed to walk back to the room where the family was gathered. I don't know how I managed to follow Ryan's casket into the Family Life Center at church. I don't know how I held it together at the cemetery when Wyatt tried to open the casket so he could see Daddy...

That is not true. I do know how I did those things. I did those things through God's strength, just as I have done every thing throughout past year. He has been my source of strength. He will continue to be my source of strength. He has used people to give me strength. He has listened to the prayers of others on my behalf. And on the days when I still don't know how I am going to make it...He will continue to be my strength!

Remembering Ryan 2009

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Blessed

BLESSED! That is the best word to describe how I feel today. I have been surrounded by family and friends over the last two days. We have celebrated Ryan's life together, as well as his 1st Heaven Birthday. I feel so loved and so at peace. God is good.

The Memorial Dinner hosted by 5/3rd Bank and Chapel Pointe was AMAZING! They thought of every little detail, right down to the "Donate Life" chocolates at every place setting. There was a ton for all of the kids to do: face painting, tattoos, balloon animals, a cake walk, a fire truck, golf cart rides, a bounce house, and cotton candy. There was live music and good conversation for the adults.

Our Day of Remembering today was equally overwhelming. I was surrounded by the people that have supported me over the last year. We enjoyed a potluck lunch here at the house and then we went to Daddy's Place (cemetery) where our pastor read scripture and talked about Ryan. We then sent balloons to Ryan for his 1st Heaven Birthday. It was so neat for me to watch all of the kids at the cemetery, many of them went and sat by Ryan's headstone for a little bit...it was precious!

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU to every one who made these days special! I appreciate you all!

I can now officially say that our first year is over. I am not sure exactly how that makes me feel. No different really, but I am entering this second year with a little apprehension. I have heard that the second year can be worse than the first. The numbness has worn off and the full reality of life has set in. It makes me wonder where I am actually at on this grief journey. I feel like I have been living in reality, but what will this next year bring? The one thing I do know for sure -- God is good and He will continue to be faithful for the next 12 months, just as He has been for the past 12!

The Worst Day

Tomorrow, June 6, 2009, is the one year anniversary of Ryan's death. Today, June 5, 2009, is the anniversary of the worst day of my life. Maybe that doesn't make sense. Maybe I don't see things clearly. Maybe tomorrow I will think differently. But, if you were to have asked me any time in the past 365 days, I would have told you that June 5 was by far the worst day of my life.

June 5 was the day that:

• I was called to the hospital at 1:30 am.
• I walked into CCMU to find a crash cart outside my husband's room.
• I felt the world falling apart.
• Ryan told me he just wanted to sleep, he didn't feel up to fighting right now.
• Ryan was given medicine to help him rest, with the hope that in 3 or 4 days he would be feeling better.
• Ryan was again placed on "hold".
• I began to really realize things might not work out as "planned".
• I was told I needed to decide what life saving measures I wanted to be carried out.
• I forgot how to breathe.
• I was advised to let Ryan go.
• I decided it was our turn to give someone else a chance at a new life.
• I had to call people who loved us to share devastating news and ask for prayers of strength.
• I had to begin to say good-bye.

June 5, 2008 will always be the day that changed my life. The day when I had to let go of my hopes, my dreams, my future, my husband. It was the day that I had to truly start clinging to Jesus -- without Him, I would not have endured the past 365 days.

Reflection

I am struck by the fact that it is already May 31. Where have the past five months gone?

I was reflecting on those thoughts this morning and I am amazed at what God has been doing in my life for the past five months. WOW! I remember being overwhelmed with grief and sadness on December 31 as I was getting ready to face a whole new year. Yes, Ryan had been gone for almost 7 months, but still it was a new year, the first "new year" without Ryan. I really didn't know what 2009 was going to look like. I really didn't know where I would find the strength to make it through January, not to mention February, March, April, and May.

God has been so faithful!

He has blessed us with a new house that I LOVE!
He has blessed me with overwhelming peace, love and security.
He has blessed me with hope for the future.
He has blessed me with parents who continually support and love us.
He has blessed us with family who love us.
He has blessed me with friends who encourage me and help out immensely!
He has blessed us with a trip to Disney.

Yes, there have been difficult days in the past five months. Days when I was not sure I had the strength to make it through. Days when the loneliness was consuming. But as I look back and reflect on the first 5 months of 2009, I can see God at work. And I am BLESSED!

What do you say ...

...when your 3 year old son asks if Jesus will let Daddy come back from heaven to live with us at our new house?
...when that same 3 year old son asks why Daddy had to go to heaven from the hospital?

Two Quick Things

Thing One: In my quiet time yesterday, I was struck by the words of Beth Moore in her book "John: 90 Days with the Beloved Disciple" (p. 213). I was in day 44 and there were words there that I just needed to hear and thus wanted to share with all of you

"Jesus Christ is everything we need....Remember, He is the self-sufficient One! He came to be what we need -- not just what we need but what we desire most in all of life. The "I Am" came to be with us.

We will never have a challenge He can't empower us to meet. We will never have a need He can't fill. We will never have an earthly desire He can't exceed. When we allow Christ to be all He is to us, we find wholeness. One piece at a time. Every time you discover the reality of Christ fulfilling another realm of your needs and longings, His name is written on a different part of you, and you are that much closer to wholeness."

Wow, she is so wise and I am continually growing in my walk as I study God's word with her guidance!

Thing Two: Very trivial, but fun none the less...the blog is less that 100 hits away from being at the 100,000 mark. I don't rival some of the "big" blogs, but fun for me anyway...

Memorial Day 2009

I don't know that I have the right words to fully explain the thoughts that were running through my head today. My morning was very difficult. It was not so much because it was Memorial Day; it was because for some reason I could only focus on Memorial Day of last year.

It was a truly horrible day. Ryan was struggling. I was terrified. We were surrounded by family. Lily and Wyatt came into the ICU to see Ryan. I remember coming out of the unit carrying Wyatt and seeing Dr. Ojo. Wyatt wanted nothing to do with anyone but me, so he stayed with me while I talked with her. She was so wonderful that day. She was honest with me. She told me how desperate the situation was becoming. Ryan needed to get his lungs soon. She told me the truth, but she also told me that Ryan could not know because they needed him to keep fighting. I had to be strong. I had to share this information with the people who loved us the most. I could not give up.

I didn't want to be strong. I wanted to scream and cry and run away. I held Wyatt so tight in those moments. I blinked back tears as long as I could, but as I listened to her talk, I just kept thinking that this could not be happening. We could not possibly be having "this" conversation. I wanted to wake up from the horrible nightmare. I wanted to be able to wake up and be at home with my husband and my children. I wanted to be living a "normal" life.

This morning I felt the same way. I didn't want to be strong anymore. I wanted to scream and cry. I blinked back tears and thought, this cannot be my life. I cannot possibly keep going through this loneliness. I wanted to wake up and realize that the past year has really just been a bad dream.

But, I cannot give up. I must press on. I must keep going. I must receive strength from God. I must be the Mom that Lily and Wyatt need me to be. I must create new and happy memories with them. I must keep living. It is what Ryan would want me to do. And, to be honest, I don't want to erase the entire past year. I want to take what I have learned and keep growing. Keep trusting.

We did create some fun and happy memories today. We went to the parade with my family. We stood and clapped for the veterans. We waved our flags. We saw fire trucks. We caught candy. We smiled. We laughed.

We made it through our last "first" holiday.

We brought our flags to Daddy's Place.

Things that made me smile today:

• Lily was putting her shorts on this morning. She was struggling a little and she looked at me with a completely serious face and said, "I having issues."
• Wyatt's new-found bravery at the parade -- still doesn't like the loud noises, but he sat at the curb the whole time. :)
• As we were leaving the cemetery, Lily was shouting, "Daddy, I hope you have fun with your flags."

Memorial Day

Memorial Day 2007

Memorial Day was one of Ryan's favorite holidays. He was always very grateful to the men and women who have fought and to those who contine to fight for the freedom of our country. (He actually tried to sign up for the armed services himself, but due to his health, he was unable to serve.) Ryan would always be one of the first people to stand up and clap as the veterans made their way past us in the parade.

Tomorrow is Memorial Day. We are going to the parade and then heading to my parents' house for a family cookout. It won't be the same, but we will go and I will try and teach Lily and Wyatt the importance of honoring our veterans -- I know Ryan would have made sure they understood!

Remembering Ryan

**PLEASE MAKE SURE TO SEND IN THE REGISTRATION FORM ( I CAN EMAIL YOU AN ACTUAL FORM IF NEEDED, JUST LET ME KNOW) FOR THE EVENT ON FRIDAY, JUNE 5. PLEASE RSVP TO MY EMAIL FOR THE EVENT ON SATURDAY, JUNE 6. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SUPPORTING US!**

Two weeks from tomorrow marks the 1 year anniversary of Ryan's death. It is so hard for me to believe that this much time has passed. Many of you have asked me what you can do for me during this time or what I will be doing in Ryan's honor. There are actually two things happening that weekend, one that is being planned for our family and one that I am planning.

The first event is the Ryan Sweeney Family Memorial Dinner and Fundraiser on Friday, June 5. The people that Ryan worked with at 5/3rd have teamed up with my church family to honor Ryan and to bless our family. They have asked me to share the details with all of you:

Ryan Sweeney FamilyMemorial Dinner and Fundraiser

Friday, June 5, 2009

Chapel Pointe Church

3350 Baldwin Street Hudsonville, MI 49426

Spaghetti Dinner Served 5:00 p.m. to 7:00 p.m.

Includes spaghetti, salad, garlic bread, desserts and refreshments

Children’s activities include a cake walk, temporary tattoos and face painting, inflatable play gym, Touch‐A‐Truck Fire Truck Tour courtesy of Georgetown Fire Department

Net proceeds will benefit the Sweeney Family Memorial Fund.

Minimum Donation Requested:

Adults / $10 each

Children 3‐10yrs / $5 each
Children under 3yrs / free

To volunteer at the event, please contact Lisa Sharp at 616‐653‐5432 or Lisa.Sharp@53.com

Registration Form - Please return form along with a check payable to Sweeney Memorial Fund, to Fifth Third Bank, c/o Janis Lea-Wireman, 111 Lyon Street NW, Maildrop RMOBGG, Grand Rapids, MI 49503. For information, call (616) 653-5228 or e-mail Janis.Lea-Wireman@53.com.

Name: _______________________________________
Phone: __________________

Address: _____________________________________________
E-mail: _______________________________________________________

Yes, we would like to attend:
Number of Adults: _____ @ $10.00 each
Number of Children: _____ @ $5.00 each

No, we cannot attend, but we would like to contribute $ ________ toward the Sweeney Family Memorial Fund.

Total Amount Enclosed: $__________

I would like to volunteer at the event. Y / N (circle one)

Please contact me at the number/e-mail (circle one) above.


Here are the details of the second event being held to remember Ryan:

A Day of Remembering

Who: Anyone who wants to come and remember Ryan.
When: Saturday, June 6 at noon (EST)
Where: Our Home
What: A potluck lunch; videos of Ryan; stories, laughter and tears.
I will have a journal available for you to share your stories and memories of Ryan that I can one day pass along to Lily and Wyatt.
Following the lunch it is my desire to head over to the cemetery where we will let off balloons (probably around 1:30/2:00).

Please let me know if you will be joining us for this event so that I can plan accordingly (rksweeney@sbcglobal.net). Please feel free to come for part or all of this event. If you were able to bring a dish to pass that would be extremely appreciated. I am hoping for beautiful weather so we can spread out outside (please bring a lawn chair). I will be providing the balloons, so please let me know if you will be joining us at the cemetery.

Thank you so much for your love and support during this difficult time!