Memorial Day 2009

I don't know that I have the right words to fully explain the thoughts that were running through my head today. My morning was very difficult. It was not so much because it was Memorial Day; it was because for some reason I could only focus on Memorial Day of last year.

It was a truly horrible day. Ryan was struggling. I was terrified. We were surrounded by family. Lily and Wyatt came into the ICU to see Ryan. I remember coming out of the unit carrying Wyatt and seeing Dr. Ojo. Wyatt wanted nothing to do with anyone but me, so he stayed with me while I talked with her. She was so wonderful that day. She was honest with me. She told me how desperate the situation was becoming. Ryan needed to get his lungs soon. She told me the truth, but she also told me that Ryan could not know because they needed him to keep fighting. I had to be strong. I had to share this information with the people who loved us the most. I could not give up.

I didn't want to be strong. I wanted to scream and cry and run away. I held Wyatt so tight in those moments. I blinked back tears as long as I could, but as I listened to her talk, I just kept thinking that this could not be happening. We could not possibly be having "this" conversation. I wanted to wake up from the horrible nightmare. I wanted to be able to wake up and be at home with my husband and my children. I wanted to be living a "normal" life.

This morning I felt the same way. I didn't want to be strong anymore. I wanted to scream and cry. I blinked back tears and thought, this cannot be my life. I cannot possibly keep going through this loneliness. I wanted to wake up and realize that the past year has really just been a bad dream.

But, I cannot give up. I must press on. I must keep going. I must receive strength from God. I must be the Mom that Lily and Wyatt need me to be. I must create new and happy memories with them. I must keep living. It is what Ryan would want me to do. And, to be honest, I don't want to erase the entire past year. I want to take what I have learned and keep growing. Keep trusting.

We did create some fun and happy memories today. We went to the parade with my family. We stood and clapped for the veterans. We waved our flags. We saw fire trucks. We caught candy. We smiled. We laughed.

We made it through our last "first" holiday.

We brought our flags to Daddy's Place.

Things that made me smile today:

• Lily was putting her shorts on this morning. She was struggling a little and she looked at me with a completely serious face and said, "I having issues."
• Wyatt's new-found bravery at the parade -- still doesn't like the loud noises, but he sat at the curb the whole time. :)
• As we were leaving the cemetery, Lily was shouting, "Daddy, I hope you have fun with your flags."