I made you.

You are different.

You are unique.

With love I formed you in your mothers womb.

I fashioned you with great joy.

I remember with great pleasure the day I created you in my image.

I love your smile.

I love your ways.

I love to hear you laugh, and the silly things you do and say.

You bring me great pleasure.

This is how I made you:

I made you pretty, not beautiful, because I knew your heart, and I knew you would be vain.

I wanted you to search out your heart, and learn that it would be me in you that would make you beautiful.

And it would be me in you that would draw your friends to you.

I made you in such a way that you would need me, yearn, and long for me.

I made you a little more lonesome than you would like to be, only because I want you to learn to depend on me.

I know your heart, and I know that if I hadn't made you like this, you would go your own chosen way and forget me, your creator.

I have given you many good and happy things because I love you.

I have rained blessings on you because I adore you.

I have seen your broken heart and the tears that you cried alone, only because you would not hold my hand.

So many lessons you have learned the hard way because you wouldn't listen to my voice.

So many times I've sat back and sadly watched you go your own way, only to watch you return to my arms, sad and broken.

I have to reshape and remold you, to renew you to what I had planned for you to be.

It has not been easy for you or for me.

I have such amazing plans for you.

I want you to be conformed to my image, this high goal I have set for you because I love you. And now you are mine.

I made you and then bought you at a price, because I loved you.

You are my child, and you are complete in me.

You are my temple, a light to the world, a branch of my vine.

NOTHING can separate you from my love.

Author Unknown

Fantasy Football

Fantasy Football was one of Ryan's hobbies. About this time each year he would gather with a group of friends for their annual fantasy football draft. The draft was a big deal. Lots of food and lots of fellowship were crammed into a weekend all about football.

Three years ago, the league decided that they needed a trophy to record the champion for each fantasy season. Ryan went on the hunt for the biggest and ugliest trophy that he could find, and for some reason all of the guys in the league thought it was terrific (the wives did not).

This is the second year that Ryan is not in the league, but the guys have not forgotten about Ryan. They have named this trophy the Ryan P. Sweeney Memorial Trophy. I am so blessed by this group of guys and their remembrance of Ryan!

all for a good cause

I have a blog friend named Kori (see above picture). She and I have chatted through emails, via Facebook, and even on the phone. Kori and I have a lot in common and a lot of the things we have in common are the difficulties of life. Her husband, Richard, has CF but is currently losing his battle against colon cancer. Kori is a godly woman facing the most difficult time in her life. She knows that her husband will soon be healed in heaven and that she will soon be facing life as a widow and a single mom to two children.

There is an auction being held tomorrow (August 11) over at Welcome to The Nut House! Be sure to head over there to check out all the different things being auctioned off. 100% of the money will be going to the McCulley Family Trust Fund to help with the expenses of life as Kori goes on medical leave to take care of her husband. Even if you cannot donate, please be praying for Kori, Richard, Calob, and Jacob as they face many difficult days ahead!

Fear or Rebellion?

I am trying to determine if Wyatt is afraid of the dark or if he is just going through a rebellious phase. I am thinking it might be a combination of both. I believe that he was truly afraid last week before we got his new night light. His cries, his words, his actions all pointed towards fear.

However, with the new night light in his room (which fully lights up his room and part of mine if both our doors are open), he seems to be testing how far he can push me and my concern for his fears. He has a little whimper cry that he does as I am about to shut his door each night. At first it was both cute and kind of sad, now I am starting to think it is fake -- how do they learn these things?

This phase is going to take a lot of patience on my part, something I do not always have. I want to sympathize with his fears, but I don't want to feed into his mommy-testing game if that is what he is in fact trying to do. I will continue to ask God for discernment and patience in raising my toddlers and I will continue to ask you all for prayers as well!

where does my encouragement come from?

a friend who is walking this path of grief with me
the smiles on the faces of my children
a listening ear when i need to cry
words of hope from the word of God
the words of the praise songs playing in the background
the knowledge that this life is short and that eternity is coming

A Mommy Adventure! :)

Wyatt and Mommy...Wyatt is playing with the toy from his kid's meal!

I have been wanting to be more intentional about spending one-on-one time with Lily and Wyatt with "Mommy Dates." (Mommy/Daddy Dates was one of the goals that Ryan and I had for parenting twins.) Obviously, being the only parent makes it more difficult to be able to take only one child out, but a few different things made it necessary for me to spend some one-on-one time with Wyatt yesterday:

• Wyatt has suddenly become afraid of the dark. I mean screaming-at-the-top-of-his-lungs-several-times-in-the-middle-of-the-night afraid. One night of that was enough for me, so I wanted to take him to get a new, brighter night light right away.
• Lily has been running a fever (100-102) since Sunday afternoon. I didn't want to expose the rest of the world to her bug, so I could not take both kids out to run errands like I normally do.

Thankfully, my parents were willing to watch Lily, fever and all, allowing me to take Wyatt to get his new night light. I decided to make a Mommy date out of it, so Lily went to Nana and Papa's for dinner and playtime while Wyatt and I went out together. We went to Burger King (Wyatt's choice), Dollar Tree, and Target together. Wyatt got a new night light that matches his sheets and actually lights up his room quite well!

I really enjoyed my time with Wyatt! As we were driving to pick Lily up I asked if he enjoyed his mommy time. He responded, "that wasn't mommy time it was an adventure!" :)

(Side note: do you know how much easier it is to take only one child on errands?)

Desert Song

This song was sung at our church this morning. I feel like the words were written for this time in my life! Please turn off the music on the blog and listen to the words of this song.

God Can!

Yesterday was a difficult day. Thank you to everyone for their encouragement and their prayers! God has given me a new perspective this morning! :)

I was reading about the story of the 12 spies of Israel going into the land of Canaan (Numbers 13). Caleb and Joshua were the only 2 who believed that they could conquer the land -- and not by their strength, but by the strength of the Lord. The 10 unbelieving spies were able to convince the Israelites that it could not be done, that the land could not be conquered. Because of those who did not believe God, the Israelites wandered in the desert for 40 years.

I want to be like Caleb and Joshua. I want to believe God's promises to me. I want to be faithful to the plan God has orchestrated for my life. I do NOT want to wander in the desert for 40 years. For reasons unknown to me, God has brought me to this season of my life. He has a purpose for me in being a single mom and a widow. He will be glorified by my life if I trust in him and believe in his promises. I cannot do life on my own. The daily routine of being a single mom is going to require strength that I do not have. But God has the strength for me!

Weary

Today I am weary. The day-to-day tasks seem overwhelming: getting the kids ready for the day, cleaning the house, referring two toddlers, running errands, making dinner, bathing the kids, putting the kids to bed. I feel worn out, both mentally and physically. I often wonder if every mom feels this way or if it is just a "side effect" of being a single mom.

I must admit that I am sick of it! I am sick of: feeling stressed, facing fears, making choices, doing it alone and being alone. I know that there are people who will help, that there are people who do help (which I am extremely grateful for). But in the end, it is "just" me.

I know I am just feeling sorry for myself today. I know I need to "snap out of it" and keep moving forward in God's strength; the same strength that has brought me this far. But, for just this moment, for this day, I am weary.

a day at the beach...

My friend, Nikki, took all of these pictures! Thanks, Nikki! :)

No Words

I have been fairly silent on the blog recently, mainly because I have no words to explain what I have been feeling. I am not sure that what I have been feeling can be understood unless you have stood in my place. I guess in a way I feel lost. I am not sure the direction God is taking my life. I am not sure what His purpose for me is. I feel like He is asking me to give up some of my dreams and just rest in Him right now.

It is hard to give up my dreams -- both big and small, but I know that the best thing is for me to be listening to His voice. I know that His ways are better than my ways, it is just not always easy to live that out. It is not always easy to die to self and live to glorify Him. But... I will. I will continue to press on. I will continue to seek God's will for my life and the lives of my children. I will continue to move forward, keeping my eyes on Jesus.

July 2009 -- In Pictures

We are already half way through July and I really haven't posted any pictures on the blog to show what we have done, mainly because we have been busy!

Month in Review:

I started the month with a visit to Val's for her bridal shower! It was so nice to be able to celebrate with her and to get a 24 hour mini-vacation!

We went to the 4th of July parade that I have gone to since I was child...it is not what it used to be, but Lily and Wyatt enjoyed it.

We had a visit from Auntie Val and Dave. It was the first time Lily and Wyatt have met Dave and I am happy to report that they have "approved"! :)

We traveled to Navy Pier in Chicago to celebrate Grandma-Great's birthday with all of Ryan's family. It was a whirlwind trip, but it was wonderful to surprise Grandma!

We have spent a day at the beach with friend! (no pictures of that...sorry!)

Not Complete Quite Yet...

Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6

God has been working on me recently. He has been convicting me of a sin area in my life that I have always struggled with, the sin of having a quick temper. As you might guess, the combination of a quick temper and two 3 year olds does not go well together. I would often lose my temper and end up yelling at Lily and Wyatt as a method of "discipline". Yelling at them did nothing but make them cry and often I would end up crying as well. The look on their precious faces would pierce my heart and make me regret my anger.

I love Lily and Wyatt. If I am quickly losing my temper with my children, am I truly loving them the way that God has called me to love them? 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8a describes love this way:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

In my sin I was not loving my children as God loves me; I was not reflecting the love of my heavenly Father to my children. I realized a few weeks ago that I needed to HATE my sin so that I could allow God to work in me to overcome my sin. It has since been my prayer DAILY, that God would fill me with His Spirit, allowing me to be the mom that He has created me to be; that God would allow Lily and Wyatt to feel loved by me; that I would discipline them out of love and patience and not out of anger and frustration.

I can feel God working in my heart and in our home. I am by no means a perfect mom. I still have moments when my quick temper takes over. But I must give God the glory for changing my heart; for giving me the patience and the ability to take a deep breath before dealing with a temper tantrum; for helping me become a better mom. I am confident that God, who began a good work in me, will carry it on to completion.

6 Years Ago

6 years ago today, Ryan and I began our life as husband and wife.

I miss my husband today.

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

**This is the slideshow I created last year. Please remember to turn off the blog music.

Year Two

I have been in year two without Ryan for a few weeks. I knew that things would not immediately change after the first year was over. I don't have to face as many firsts, but my overall situation has not been altered.

Just before June 6, I was reading about year two on a widows website and I learned that year two is actually harder for many people --fabulous! The first year is filled with decision making, numbness, anticipation of firsts, etc. The second year is REALITY. Reality is that I have found a routine. I have found a new normal. But, I still don't like it! I still hate the feeling of loneliness that is never far away and is at times suffocating. I still hate the fact that dinner time is almost always just the three of us. I still hate that when my alarm goes off each morning I have to remember what day it is and try to find something to look forward to about that day.

My prayer over the last few weeks has been that God would fill me with contentment and peace. He has me walking this path for a reason, but I am struggling to be okay with it. I want things to be different. I don't want to feel grief so much any more.

Some of you have noticed a change in my attitude. I suspect that this is what you are seeing. It is so hard for me to actually give voice to what I am feeling, so please forgive me for not being me. Please pray that God once again fills me with His peace and contentment as He did so often in year one. I know that I will make it through year two by God's grace and strength!

Trusting in the Promises

It has been a difficult week. I have been stretched through circumstances. I have had to take a step back and look at myself. I have asked God to help me see myself clearly, to reveal my sins, imperfections, and faults.

I wish that we lived in a perfect world. I wish that life were fair. I wish that life were easy. I wish there were no more sorrow, crying, pain, or death. I wish that things could be taken at face value. I wish that people could understand.

Tonight I am listening to the promises of God sung in the words of some great praise and worship music. I am thanking my Jesus for loving me in spite of my sins and failures. I will sleep secure in His grace, love, mercy and strength!

Father's Day

It is Father's Day. It is a day to celebrate Dads and all that they do and all that they are in our lives. It is day filled with sadness for me as I watch my children go through life without their Daddy. I miss their Daddy and I wish he was here with me watching them grow and change! I wish he was here to laugh about their silliness and fill our house with patience during the difficult moments of life with two 3 year olds.


Ryan would be so proud of Lily and Wyatt. He would love to see how much they have accomplished in the past year:

• an explosive vocabulary with some really funny words
• riding tricycles
• going potty on the big kid potty
• sleeping in big kid beds
• memorizing Bible verses
• being brave at church
• swinging in swings (Wyatt)
• getting their shoes on by themselves
• getting dressed
• learning to love movies ;)
• reading books

Ryan is missed every day, but today it is noticed even more...

The Things They Say

I have been noticing lately that Lily and Wyatt sometimes use words that seem "beyond" 3. It cracks me up to hear them use such grown-up words, most of the time correctly. I am also glad to hear them talking this way, because I have feared that living in a house with only one adult they would hear mainly "kid" words and not develop a good vocabulary.

Here are some examples of their new, grown-up vocabulary:

Tonight during baths I was telling Wyatt that I really liked his new hair cut even though he didn't enjoy the actual cutting of the hair. He looked at me and said, "I appreciate that you love me." Yes, he seriously said "appreciate." It was so cute. I started laughing. :)

Lily's favorite word to use is "actually." Wyatt was trying to bring me my purse tonight and he couldn't quite get it to me so Lily took over and said, "actually, I will bring it to you, Mommy." She will also say, "I actually have to go potty" or "actually I went potty, Mommy"...

I LOVE THEM! :)

What We've Been Up To

We enjoyed the rest of our trip to Illinois this week...here is what happened after our day in the city on Wednesday.

Wednesday night: we visited with some friends and then we had dinner with Papa Steve at Chili's -- YUM! We then headed back to our hotel, where the kids enjoyed sleeping in the big beds just a little too much.

Wyatt was bouncing around and fell off the bed. Thankfully the only thing he ended up with was a fat lip.

Thursday morning, my mom, the kids and I headed to IKEA. (I have not been there since before the kids were born.) We spent 3 hours there shopping, exploring, and eating. The kids loved it and so did I!

In the afternoon we headed back to the hotel for a rest. The kids needed a nap, so my mom stayed at the hotel with them and I went to my friend, Rachel's house for a visit. I have not seen her in way too long. It was so nice to be able to catch up with her and spend some time with her daughter, Maddie, who I have only met one other time!

After Rachel's house, I picked up my mom and the kids and we went over to Grammy's house for dinner. It was good to be able to spend time with Laurel, Grandma Jean, Aunt Linda, Brittany, and Cameron. Lily loved all over her "baby Cameron!"

Wyatt loved being silly!

Friday morning, we went out to Kandy's house to hang out. The kids (Jackson, Lily, and Wyatt) enjoyed playing together and I enjoyed loving on Addison Hope! :) We took the kids to a school by their house and let them run and play on the playground. It is so fun to see all that they are able to do this year!


The afternoon was again spent taking naps!


For dinner Friday night, we went to the home of a wonderful family, the Dunham's! It was so fun to be able to catch up with all of them (Doug and Patty; Kristen, Kevin, and Seth; and Stefanie and Daniel), as well as spend more time with Papa Steve! Kristen and Kevin just arrived "home" for the summer from Hungary where Kevin is a teacher at school for "missionary" kids. I hadn't seen them in almost 2 years -- I had never met their little boy, Seth! It was also fun to watch all of the kids (Daniel, Seth, Lily and Wyatt) while the big kids (Papa Steve, "Grandpa" Doug, and Kevin) chased them around.

Lily and Wyatt playing in the sand box with Seth.

Daniel (Stefanie's son) and Lily waiting for another ride in the wagon!

Saturday morning we loaded up and headed home in the rain. We had a lot of fun while we were gone, but there is nothing quite like sleeping in your own bed!

Monday we began our adventures in potty training. I have been dreading potty training since before I was ever pregnant. It seemed like such an impossible, messy, overwhelming task. But, Lily and Wyatt have done FABULOUS! I would say that after only 3 days we are at least 95% potty trained (still in diapers at night). They are both able to tell me when they need to go and they are both dry after naps (diapers just in case for a few more days). I am so glad that I waited until they were a little older and did not force the issue back in February/March when I originally started! They have done so well and they are so proud of themselves! Mommy is proud too! :)

Making brownies today just for fun! :)

Growing in the Wilderness

At church this morning, Dr. Koole was talking about John the Baptist and the person that he was. The Bible goes from him being a baby to him being an adult with hardly any information given. Luke 1:80 "describes" his growing up: "And the child continued to grow, and to become strong in spirit, and he lived in the deserts until the day of his public appearance to Israel."

Dr. Koole went on to discuss what it means to become strong in the spirit and how most often it happens when we live in the "deserts"/wilderness (i.e. trials/difficulties). I was struck by how directly these words and situations apply to my life today; how when I hear these words I can look back and see how they have become evident over the last year.

1. Growing in patience: I must wait for God's timing, I am probably not as ready as I think I am and I must wait and trust God's timing and planning of life.
2. Growing in dependence: God uses these trials, these difficult times in my life, to increase my dependence on Him and Him alone.
3. Growing in contentment: God wants me to be content with what I have NOW! He does not want me longing for what once was or what maybe, rather He wants me to be satisfied with what He has given me today.
4. Growing in priorities/purpose: God wants me to be seeking out what HIS purpose and priorities are for me.
5. Growing in strength: God uses these seasons in my life to make me a stronger person!
6. Growing in courage: God allows our courage to grow as we go through the battles of life.
7. Growing in maturity.
8. Growing in preparation: God is using this time, this moment in my life to prepare me for something that will happen in the future.
9. Growing in relationship: I need to turn to God FIRST, not as a second option.

I know that in the past year I have grown in patience, dependence, contentment, priorities, strength, courage, maturity, preparation, and relationship. I also know that I have a LONG way to go. I am so thankful that God is walking with me through this wilderness. I do often wonder when it will end and what that will look like, but today, I am filled with joy at all God is doing in me during this time!