two year stretch

two years since it all began.

it is so hard to believe that it has already been two years since things started to go downhill. friday was the two year mark of ryan's unexpected hospitalization because he was too sick to have his heart cath done (not when he went on the ventilator).

i can still shut my eyes and see so many of those moments clearly. the walk down to the er. the tiny little room where we had to wait for hours to be admitted. the drive to meijer to get some clothes for our unexpected stay. the dark hotel room i had to sleep in by myself. the first visits to the cafeteria at u of m. the phone calls i had to make.

it was two years ago today that our family and friends moved us from our two bedroom townhouse to our three bedroom one so that life would be a little easier for ryan at home. it was a "home" that ryan only got to live in for 5 short days.

in a few short days, it will be two years since ryan left for the hospital to never come home again.

two years ago, lily and wyatt were not even 2 yet. they have spent almost half of their little lives without their daddy. it seems so unfair.

yesterday we were in lily's room and wyatt looked at her picture of ryan and said, "i miss daddy." it broke my heart. i miss daddy too!

i miss his laughter.
i miss his smile.
i miss his hugs.
i miss holding his hand.
i miss his voice.
i miss hearing him play with lily and wyatt.
i miss the sound of him breathing beside me each night.
i miss his encouragement.
i miss helping him with his treatments.
i miss watching tv shows with him.
i miss his explanations of all things political.
i miss sitting next to him in church.
i miss eating dinner with him.
i miss packing his lunch each day.
i miss helping him pick just the right tie for work.
i miss nagging him to pick up his stuff around the house.

even though it has been two years since it all "began" it still hurts. it seems to be hurting more lately than it has in awhile. maybe it is because all the memories. maybe it is because of the fact that life keeps moving forward and ryan isn't in it. whatever the reason, it hurts.

Disney: Second Day at Magic Kingdom

Our last day at Disney was also our second day at Magic Kingdom. We got to the park early and watched the Welcome Show before the park opened. We headed back to Tomorrowland so that Erin could ride Space Mountain. Lily, Wyatt, and I rode on the Astro Orbiter (think Dumbo as a rocket) while Erin enjoyed a grown-up roller coaster.

After we met up again, we strolled to Cinderella's Castle to watch the Dream-Along with Mickey show. Then we headed down Main Street and did a little window shopping before heading back to Tomorrowland. Erin rode Space Mountain again while the kids and I went on Buzz Lightyear's Space Ranger Spin and the Tomorrowland Transit Authority a second time.

We went into Fantasyland where we rode on The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh and Lily met Ariel in Ariel's Grotto. After that, we went to Mickey's Toontown Fair to met Mickey and Minnie in the Judge's Tent. We had lunch at Casey's Corner, met Peter Pan, rode on Cinderella's Golden Carousel and The Magic Carpets of Aladdin before enjoying a Pineapple Float from Aloha Isle (super yummy!!!!). We did a little more shopping on Main Street and then met Pluto, Daisy, and Snow White before heading back to our resort.

We spent some time packing our stuff for our EARLY (6:45 am) morning departure before we went to Downtown Disney for dinner at Wolfgang Puck Express. We picked up a few last minute snacks and souvenirs before our last night at All Star Movies Resort.

Disney: First Day at Magic Kingdom

Tuesday morning began with a bus ride to Magic Kingdom where we had breakfast at the Crystal Palace with Winnie the Pooh, Tigger, Piglet, and Eeyore. We were delighted to be able to enter the park before it actually opened to get some great shots of Cinderella's Castle without other people in them. The day did start out with a few sprinkles, but by the time we were done with breakfast it was just cloudy.

Both kids enjoyed meeting the characters at breakfast. The food was yummy and I surprised the kids with personal cakes after breakfast -- Lily's cake was in a Princess Jewelry Box and Wyatt's cake was in a Pirate's Treasure Chest. The cake wasn't that great, but the kids loved the fun souvenirs that they were able to take home.

The crowds were small during our day at Magic Kingdom. We enjoyed short waits for The Magic Carpets of Aladdin, Dumbo, Peter Pan's Flight, Mickey's PhilharMagic, it's a small world, and The Barnstormer. We took our time walking through the park and we were able to meet a lot of characters: Aladdin and Jasmine, Woody and Jessie, Donald and Goofy, and Princess Aurora, Cinderella, and Belle. We also watched the Celebration Parade while enjoying some popcorn!

After the parade, we went back to our hotel to rest and change into warmer clothes before heading back to Magic Kingdom for dinner and more fun. We ate dinner at Cosmic Ray's Startlight Cafe in Tomorrowland and then explored the rides and activities there. Wyatt and Lily enjoyed driving Erin and I around the Tomorrowland Indy Speedway. We also rode on the Tomorrowland Transit Authority and Buzz Lightyear's Space Ranger Spin before heading back to our hotel for the night. (We were going to stay and watch the WISHES fireworks, but I was not enjoying the crowds, Wyatt did not want to hear the noise of the fireworks, and we were all getting tired.)

Disney: Hollywood Studios

At 5:45 Monday morning we were all awake and ready to start our day (well, maybe we just couldn't sleep anymore). We got ready and went to the food court for breakfast and then loaded up for our day at Hollywood Studios.

We arrived before the park opened, so we waited "patiently". Once in the park, we joined the mad rush back to Pixar Place to ride on "Toy Story Mania!". Wyatt liked it so much that before we were even off it he asked if we could do it again --so we grabbed a FASTPASS so that we would be able to ride it again later without the wait.

We posed for pictures with the "Green Army Guy" and then went Playhouse Disney -- Live on Stage!

After the show was over, we went and met "Sorcerer Mickey" and strolled through Animation Gallery.

We went up Sunset Boulevard to enjoy a snack and then went back to use our FASTPASS for "Toy Story Mania!"

We had our picture taken with "Mater and McQueen" and visited "Buzz and Woody" (although the kids were afraid of Buzz and wouldn't have their picture taken with him).

We then went back to Sunset Boulevard to watch Beauty and the Beast -- Live on Stage. It was fantastic and both kids enjoyed it.

Erin took a turn riding Rock 'N' Roller Coaster Starring Aerosmith and then we ate lunch at Sunset Market Ranch.

We went through a few more shops and then went to Hollywood Boulevard to wait for the Block Party Bash to start. We enjoyed dancing and singing with the character from Toy Story before heading back to our resort for a little swimming, dinner, and bed.

Disney: All Star Movies Resort and More

I have decided to break down our trip into 3 different posts starting with pictures from around our hotel, All Star Movies Resort. This slide show also includes pictures of our traveling to and from Florida as well as traveling to and from the different parks.

We really enjoyed staying at All Star Movies. It is one of 4 value resorts that Disney has to offer. Our room was small (two double beds), but it was big enough to meet our needs. The resort was broken down into 5 different sections: Toy Story, 101 Dalmatians, Fantasia, The Love Bug, and Mighty Ducks. We were able to get a room in the Toy Story section! Each time we opened our door we were greeted by Woody, Buzz, Bo Peep, and Rex. We had to walk through the "door" to Andy's room to get to our building. Wyatt LOVED it! On Monday, we came back from Hollywood Studios to play in the pool, have dinner and get to bed early. We took some time to walk around the entire resort and see the different sections.

The kids did great on both of our flights. We took a direct flight from Grand Rapids to Orlando this year -- so much easier! Our luggage was delivered right to the hotel for us (part of Disney's complimentary service). We also once again appreciated the bus service to the parks from our hotel! All we had to do was load up the stroller, walk to the bus stops, and climb on board.

Disney: An Overview

The trip was a blast.

The weather was beautiful.

The parks (Hollywood Studios & Magic Kingdom) were visited.

The rides were ridden.

The parades were watched.

The characters were met (even by Wyatt).

The food was yummy.

The memories were made.

The pictures (100's) were taken.

The videos were recorded.

The sleep was lacking.

The flights are over.

The laundry is clean.

The picture updates are coming.

2 kids + 2 bananas + a lot of sunshine = a yummy morning

We had some rotten bananas in the house, so I decided that banana bread would be a fun treat for breakfast.

I enlisted the help of a princess

and a football player (with some sunshine sprinkled in the background)

here is the result...warm banana bread

and two happy kiddos!

We are all getting very excited for our trip to Disney! The packing is almost complete. Lily's cold seems to be on it way out, but Wyatt's cold has just started full force.... LOTS of vitamins needed! The weather in Florida is supposed to be beautiful -- can't wait for flip flops and short sleeves!

Celebrating Ryan

** Thank you so much for all the kind words, prayers, thoughts, emails and comments yesterday. You all made Ryan's birthday special to the kids and I! **

Here are pictures of our birthday celebrations today. We sent Daddy balloons twice. The first time it was just the kids and I. The second time my friend, Nikki, came so that she could capture some pictures for us. While we were waiting for her to get there we made a snowman for Daddy! I enjoyed lunch with friends at Qdoba -- my favorite! They also got me a bouquet of a dozen "roses" which were actually some FABULOUS chocolate covered strawberries. And the kids enjoyed cupcakes from a local bakery. We are still planning to go out to dinner with my mom to Texas Roadhouse -- I don't like steak, but it was a favorite for Ryan so I picked steak place for his birthday.

Happy Birthday, Daddy!

** remember to turn off the music on the blog to be able to hear the kids **

Happy 29th Birthday, Ryan!

Today would have been Ryan's 29th birthday. I am not sure what we would have done as a family if he were still here -- his favorite dinner, a few presents, quality time with the kids would probably have been at the top of the list.

Instead, we will do little things to celebrate the life of a wonderful husband and daddy. We are hoping to get balloons to send to him and to have cupcakes in honor of him. I am also going out for lunch with some girlfriends while the kids play at my sister's and all three of us are going to dinner tonight with my mom.

check it out...

I enjoy food. A LOT. I was recently sent the link to Annie's Eats. I made her Cheesy Chicken Benchiladas for lunch yesterday and I have been enjoying the leftovers. Check it out...

an emotional week

It is going to be an emotional week, it already has been an emotional week.

On Monday, my sister, April's, father-in-law passed away. While it was not completely unexpected, it seemed to be sudden. Jim was a godly man; he is in heaven rejoicing now, free from the pain of this world. I asked Casey yesterday if she thought Grandpa Jim was in heaven telling Uncle Ryan all about how we were doing and all about Jessie (who was born after Ryan died), she got a big grin on her face and said "yup". Please be in prayer for April, Steve, Jack, Casey, Charlie, Jessie, and all of Steve's family as they are grieving the loss of a dad, husband, and grandpa.

For me, all the emotions come flooding back as I stop to think about his wife and all that she is facing. The ache and loneliness of living life alone. The nights lying in bed and not hearing the steady breath of her husband sleeping next to her. The lack of companionship at dinner each night. My heart is so broken for her! I know that it will be hard to be at the visitation and funeral later this week. It just brings back so many memories! My heart hurts for those who loved him most.

Ryan's birthday is also coming. The anticipation of Disney has helped to process through some of the sadness, but as March 2nd moves closer, my heart aches to celebrate Ryan's 29th birthday with him. I am sure that he would LOVE teasing me about the fact that I am in my 30's and he is still in his 20's.

An update on the kids (by request):

• Both kids seem to be feeling much better. The coughs and runny noses are pretty much gone -- yay!
• They have both given up naps for the most part, although they still get rest time each day to help restore my strength (and sanity) to make it through until bedtime.
• They are super excited about Disney. They will dance around the house singing "we're going to Disney!" and they tell everyone (including strangers) that we are leaving in a couple weeks.
• I realized yesterday how big they are getting when I was watching my niece, Jessie. She was standing on the floor looking up and me and she was so far away! I can't believe how tall the kids are getting -- especially Wyatt. He is starting to need 5T pants for the length!
• They continue to love going to AWANA Cubbies and learning their bible memory verses.

I will try to get some pictures up later this week, I don't think I have taken any in over a month! Thanks for your prayers for my sister's family and for me as we journey through this emotional week.

what's going on

So many things are going on right now, I just never take the time to sit down and blog anymore. Most of my spare time was being wasted on Facebook, so I have decided to give it up for Lent (if you are reading this on FB it is because my blog is automatically uploaded there). It was distracting me from much more important things in my life. I decided that I needed to stop wasting my time and refocus on the areas of my life God wants me to be working on -- mainly my relationship with Him and my relationships with Lily and Wyatt.

Winter has been difficult for me both mentally and emotionally. I have been stuck in a pit of sadness, loneliness, and self-pity. I need a change of pace! I have been looking for an opportunity to get away, to find some sunshine, and to create some new memories with Lily and Wyatt. So, we are getting ready for another vacation to Disney in just a couple of weeks. Our friend (and awesome babysitter), Erin, will be joining us because there was no way I was going to tackle flying and vacationing at Disney World with two three year olds by myself! We will spend three full days in the parks and I am super excited to be able to do even more with the kids than we did last year.

I am also really excited about the opportunity to raise awareness and funds for Cystic Fibrosis through Great Strides. I have officially restarted the "Sweeney Striders" team for this year's walk in Grand Rapids. I have been overwhelmed by the amount of support that I have already received from people joining me in the walk and from the donations given (if you are interested in joining me on the walk or in sponsoring me click here). I have plans in the works (well, just in my head right now) for t-shirts for the Sweeney Striders that will set us apart from other teams as well as honor Ryan's life!

Lily and Wyatt are doing fairly well, other than the colds, coughs, and fevers (Lily) they have been fighting. It is so hard to believe that in a few weeks they will be turning 4! I am ready to be done with "3" and all of its challenges, but I am not ready for them to be heading to school. If only there was a slow motion button on life!

And lastly, here is a video of one of my favorite songs right now, "Unredeemed" by Selah. I love the message that it sends, a message of hope in the promises God has made to redeem the things of this world that hurt so much. It is a great reminder to me that God sees and knows the pain in my heart, especially as Ryan's birthday approaches.

faith like a child

I wanted to share some sweet things Lily has said lately...mainly because I want to write them down and never forget what childlike faith is. What a blessing my children are to me!

• Lily got out her notebook and pencil the other day and climbed onto the bar stool. She told me she needed to write her worship songs. Then she put her pencil down and sang. It may not have made sense to me, but I am sure God was blessed by her worship -- I was. (Wyatt did join in on writing worship songs the next day.)
• Last night as we were heading to bed after baths, bible story, and prayers, Lily says, "Just a few more days til heaven, right?" I wish, my sweet girl, I wish.
• Her bedtime prayers have taken on much more flavor recently. She will often come up with the funniest things to thank God for, but I know it is just her faith shining through. Here are some examples: Thank you God for all the animals, like the fish under the sea. Thank you for all the things you let us to do today, one-by-one. Thank you for all the people in the whole wide world. Thank you for everything that you created for us.

My children are such a bright spot in my life. I love to see them learning about Jesus and to see their faith grow! It melts this mommy's heart!

it wasn't meant to be this way

I have been struggling on so many levels lately.

The lonliness of the being a widow and single mom is still overwhelming.

I am constantly searching for what God has in store for me. In some ways, I feel like life has been at a stand still since Ryan died. I want to move forward in God's plan for me, but I don't know where forward is or what it looks like.

I am weary. The daily routines are wearing me down. Being consistent in discipline and intentional with my children is tiring.

I am also struggling with issues that others are having to face. There seems to be so much hurt and pain happening all around me over the past few weeks. Family and friends have had to hear difficult news and seek God's strength, peace, and wisdom. The world has watched as Haiti has faced devastation from major earthquakes with thousands feared dead.

As I hear about these tragedies and as I continue to face life as a widow and single mom, I can't help but think about how life wasn't meant to be this way. Sin has entered this world and because of it we all face sadness, sickness, natural disasters, struggles, and death. I am reminded that this world is not my home -- I am desperately longing for Jesus' return.

crafting a way to organize kids' art

We have been working on a lot of craft projects (i.e. painting, coloring, collages) here at home and I never know what to do with them all. I can only handle so many pictures stuck to the refrigerator and I feel (somewhat) guilty throwing away all their hard work.

My sister has cute clothes lines in her kids rooms to display their art work, but when I asked her where she got the cute clothes pins she named a store that is several hours away (not to mention the fact that she bought them several years ago). My friend, Erin, is very crafty and she showed me a project she was working on from here.

I combined the two ideas and came up with:

Items needed:
clothes pins
scrapbooking paper
mod podge
brush
exacto knife
craft string
nails/push pins

Directions:
1. cut scrapbooking paper to down so it is close in size
2. brush mod podge onto clothes pin
3. press paper onto clothes pin
4. brush paper with mod podge
5. allow to dry
6. cut off excess with exacto knife (upside down on cutable surface)
7. hang craft string on wall (nails or push pins)
8. clip up priceless works of art created by priceless kiddos! :)

** Please note: I did not receive payment for mentioning mod podge, exacto or ashleyannphotography for this post or the use of their products and ideas.

Great Strides

I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about participating in the 2010 Great Strides for cystic fibrosis. I would be doing the walk on Saturday, May 15 in downtown Grand Rapids if anyone is interested in joining me (you can check the link below for walk locations near you).

Great Strides is a huge fundraising event for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. They are making great progress in finding a cure for CF and I would love to be able to support them as they support other families battling this terrible disease.

Several years ago (2005 I think), I started the team "Sweeney's Striders." The next year the kids were here and life has been crazy ever since! I want to make time to walk this year. Please let me know if you are interested in joining me this year.

http://www.cff.org/great_strides/

Singing with Bob and Larry

** Remember to turn off the music on the blog.

a message of hope...

**remember to turn the music off on the side of the blog.

Candid Moments...

All of these pictures were taken by my friend, Nikki. She is starting up as a photographer and she came over to set-up/check the lighting in the house in preparation for the pictures she will bravely be taking here on Saturday (she is taking pictures of all 8 grand kids as part of a Christmas gift for my parents). I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the picture of the three of us (the one in our header). Thanks, Nikki! Can't wait to see how the ones on Saturday turn out.

Looking Back

Since I wrote my post reviewing 2009, I have also been thinking about the past decade. So much has changed in the last 10 years and I thought it might be interesting to highlight some of the major events that have occurred in that time.

• 2000: Finished my junior year of college and began my senior year at Trinity Christian College in Palos Heights, IL. I worked at Steelcase for the last time as summer help. I had knee surgery in December.
• 2001: I did my student teaching at Southwest Chicago Christian School -- Tinley Park (6th grade) and Chicago Ridge Public School (4th grade). I graduated college with a B.A. in elementary education. I spent the summer back in Michigan working at Gap and babysitting before moving to Illinois. I began working at Westminster Christian School (WCS) teaching 7th and 8th grade math, 8th grade bible, and a computer elective. I also met Ryan.
• 2002: Ryan and I began dating on February 14. We were engaged in June. Ryan went into the hospital for the first time while we were together. We began wedding planning. I continued teaching at WCS.
• 2003: Ryan and I bought a townhouse in Lake In The Hills, IL. We got married on July 5 and went to Hawaii on our honeymoon. I continued working at WCS and Ryan worked at Precision Twist Drill.
• 2004: Ryan began working at Ameriprise as a financial planner. We flew to Connecticut for his best friend's wedding. We had a puppy for 6 weeks. :)
• 2005: Ryan had a major CF crash in April that lead to us beginning transplant evaluation at University of Wisconsin -- Madison. We began pursuing IVF. We found out that we were pregnant with twins in September -- YAY!
• 2006: I went on maternity leave and Ryan lost his job at the end of March. Lily and Wyatt were born on April 3 (33 6/7 wks). Ryan worked part time through the summer in Illinois. He found a job in Grand Rapids, MI. We moved to Michigan in September and lived with my parents. We sold our townhouse the last week of December.
• 2007: We started renting a townhouse. We enjoyed watching Lily and Wyatt grow. Ryan's health began to take a turn for the worse at the end of the year. We again began pursuing a lung transplant, this time at U of M.
• 2008: Ryan finished his lung transplant evaluation and was listed on March 17. He went into the ICU on March 23 and was never able to return home. Ryan went to heaven on June 6 after 10 1/2 weeks in the ICU. God became my source of strength during the most difficult time of my life.
• 2009: I bought a home for Lily, Wyatt, and myself. We took a trip to Disney with my parents. I continued to rely on God...

It is so great to reflect on where I have come from. When the last decade started I was far from being the person that I am today. I made choices based on what I wanted for myself and not on what God wanted for me. He has used the events of the past 10 years to draw me closer and to transform me into who I am today. Some of the things He has used have been fun, happy, joyful things. Some of the things He has used have been difficult, trying, sad things. Through them all I can see God's faithfulness. I can see how He orchestrated situations in my life to show me who He is. I am so thankful for a God who loves me and provides for me. I am thankful that even with an uncertain future, I can KNOW that God will provide for all of my needs and that I am loved!