A Mommy Adventure! :)

Wyatt and Mommy...Wyatt is playing with the toy from his kid's meal!

I have been wanting to be more intentional about spending one-on-one time with Lily and Wyatt with "Mommy Dates." (Mommy/Daddy Dates was one of the goals that Ryan and I had for parenting twins.) Obviously, being the only parent makes it more difficult to be able to take only one child out, but a few different things made it necessary for me to spend some one-on-one time with Wyatt yesterday:

• Wyatt has suddenly become afraid of the dark. I mean screaming-at-the-top-of-his-lungs-several-times-in-the-middle-of-the-night afraid. One night of that was enough for me, so I wanted to take him to get a new, brighter night light right away.
• Lily has been running a fever (100-102) since Sunday afternoon. I didn't want to expose the rest of the world to her bug, so I could not take both kids out to run errands like I normally do.

Thankfully, my parents were willing to watch Lily, fever and all, allowing me to take Wyatt to get his new night light. I decided to make a Mommy date out of it, so Lily went to Nana and Papa's for dinner and playtime while Wyatt and I went out together. We went to Burger King (Wyatt's choice), Dollar Tree, and Target together. Wyatt got a new night light that matches his sheets and actually lights up his room quite well!

I really enjoyed my time with Wyatt! As we were driving to pick Lily up I asked if he enjoyed his mommy time. He responded, "that wasn't mommy time it was an adventure!" :)

(Side note: do you know how much easier it is to take only one child on errands?)

Desert Song

This song was sung at our church this morning. I feel like the words were written for this time in my life! Please turn off the music on the blog and listen to the words of this song.

God Can!

Yesterday was a difficult day. Thank you to everyone for their encouragement and their prayers! God has given me a new perspective this morning! :)

I was reading about the story of the 12 spies of Israel going into the land of Canaan (Numbers 13). Caleb and Joshua were the only 2 who believed that they could conquer the land -- and not by their strength, but by the strength of the Lord. The 10 unbelieving spies were able to convince the Israelites that it could not be done, that the land could not be conquered. Because of those who did not believe God, the Israelites wandered in the desert for 40 years.

I want to be like Caleb and Joshua. I want to believe God's promises to me. I want to be faithful to the plan God has orchestrated for my life. I do NOT want to wander in the desert for 40 years. For reasons unknown to me, God has brought me to this season of my life. He has a purpose for me in being a single mom and a widow. He will be glorified by my life if I trust in him and believe in his promises. I cannot do life on my own. The daily routine of being a single mom is going to require strength that I do not have. But God has the strength for me!

Weary

Today I am weary. The day-to-day tasks seem overwhelming: getting the kids ready for the day, cleaning the house, referring two toddlers, running errands, making dinner, bathing the kids, putting the kids to bed. I feel worn out, both mentally and physically. I often wonder if every mom feels this way or if it is just a "side effect" of being a single mom.

I must admit that I am sick of it! I am sick of: feeling stressed, facing fears, making choices, doing it alone and being alone. I know that there are people who will help, that there are people who do help (which I am extremely grateful for). But in the end, it is "just" me.

I know I am just feeling sorry for myself today. I know I need to "snap out of it" and keep moving forward in God's strength; the same strength that has brought me this far. But, for just this moment, for this day, I am weary.

a day at the beach...

My friend, Nikki, took all of these pictures! Thanks, Nikki! :)

No Words

I have been fairly silent on the blog recently, mainly because I have no words to explain what I have been feeling. I am not sure that what I have been feeling can be understood unless you have stood in my place. I guess in a way I feel lost. I am not sure the direction God is taking my life. I am not sure what His purpose for me is. I feel like He is asking me to give up some of my dreams and just rest in Him right now.

It is hard to give up my dreams -- both big and small, but I know that the best thing is for me to be listening to His voice. I know that His ways are better than my ways, it is just not always easy to live that out. It is not always easy to die to self and live to glorify Him. But... I will. I will continue to press on. I will continue to seek God's will for my life and the lives of my children. I will continue to move forward, keeping my eyes on Jesus.

July 2009 -- In Pictures

We are already half way through July and I really haven't posted any pictures on the blog to show what we have done, mainly because we have been busy!

Month in Review:

I started the month with a visit to Val's for her bridal shower! It was so nice to be able to celebrate with her and to get a 24 hour mini-vacation!

We went to the 4th of July parade that I have gone to since I was child...it is not what it used to be, but Lily and Wyatt enjoyed it.

We had a visit from Auntie Val and Dave. It was the first time Lily and Wyatt have met Dave and I am happy to report that they have "approved"! :)

We traveled to Navy Pier in Chicago to celebrate Grandma-Great's birthday with all of Ryan's family. It was a whirlwind trip, but it was wonderful to surprise Grandma!

We have spent a day at the beach with friend! (no pictures of that...sorry!)

Not Complete Quite Yet...

Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6

God has been working on me recently. He has been convicting me of a sin area in my life that I have always struggled with, the sin of having a quick temper. As you might guess, the combination of a quick temper and two 3 year olds does not go well together. I would often lose my temper and end up yelling at Lily and Wyatt as a method of "discipline". Yelling at them did nothing but make them cry and often I would end up crying as well. The look on their precious faces would pierce my heart and make me regret my anger.

I love Lily and Wyatt. If I am quickly losing my temper with my children, am I truly loving them the way that God has called me to love them? 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8a describes love this way:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

In my sin I was not loving my children as God loves me; I was not reflecting the love of my heavenly Father to my children. I realized a few weeks ago that I needed to HATE my sin so that I could allow God to work in me to overcome my sin. It has since been my prayer DAILY, that God would fill me with His Spirit, allowing me to be the mom that He has created me to be; that God would allow Lily and Wyatt to feel loved by me; that I would discipline them out of love and patience and not out of anger and frustration.

I can feel God working in my heart and in our home. I am by no means a perfect mom. I still have moments when my quick temper takes over. But I must give God the glory for changing my heart; for giving me the patience and the ability to take a deep breath before dealing with a temper tantrum; for helping me become a better mom. I am confident that God, who began a good work in me, will carry it on to completion.

6 Years Ago

6 years ago today, Ryan and I began our life as husband and wife.

I miss my husband today.

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**This is the slideshow I created last year. Please remember to turn off the blog music.

Year Two

I have been in year two without Ryan for a few weeks. I knew that things would not immediately change after the first year was over. I don't have to face as many firsts, but my overall situation has not been altered.

Just before June 6, I was reading about year two on a widows website and I learned that year two is actually harder for many people --fabulous! The first year is filled with decision making, numbness, anticipation of firsts, etc. The second year is REALITY. Reality is that I have found a routine. I have found a new normal. But, I still don't like it! I still hate the feeling of loneliness that is never far away and is at times suffocating. I still hate the fact that dinner time is almost always just the three of us. I still hate that when my alarm goes off each morning I have to remember what day it is and try to find something to look forward to about that day.

My prayer over the last few weeks has been that God would fill me with contentment and peace. He has me walking this path for a reason, but I am struggling to be okay with it. I want things to be different. I don't want to feel grief so much any more.

Some of you have noticed a change in my attitude. I suspect that this is what you are seeing. It is so hard for me to actually give voice to what I am feeling, so please forgive me for not being me. Please pray that God once again fills me with His peace and contentment as He did so often in year one. I know that I will make it through year two by God's grace and strength!

Trusting in the Promises

It has been a difficult week. I have been stretched through circumstances. I have had to take a step back and look at myself. I have asked God to help me see myself clearly, to reveal my sins, imperfections, and faults.

I wish that we lived in a perfect world. I wish that life were fair. I wish that life were easy. I wish there were no more sorrow, crying, pain, or death. I wish that things could be taken at face value. I wish that people could understand.

Tonight I am listening to the promises of God sung in the words of some great praise and worship music. I am thanking my Jesus for loving me in spite of my sins and failures. I will sleep secure in His grace, love, mercy and strength!

Father's Day

It is Father's Day. It is a day to celebrate Dads and all that they do and all that they are in our lives. It is day filled with sadness for me as I watch my children go through life without their Daddy. I miss their Daddy and I wish he was here with me watching them grow and change! I wish he was here to laugh about their silliness and fill our house with patience during the difficult moments of life with two 3 year olds.


Ryan would be so proud of Lily and Wyatt. He would love to see how much they have accomplished in the past year:

• an explosive vocabulary with some really funny words
• riding tricycles
• going potty on the big kid potty
• sleeping in big kid beds
• memorizing Bible verses
• being brave at church
• swinging in swings (Wyatt)
• getting their shoes on by themselves
• getting dressed
• learning to love movies ;)
• reading books

Ryan is missed every day, but today it is noticed even more...

The Things They Say

I have been noticing lately that Lily and Wyatt sometimes use words that seem "beyond" 3. It cracks me up to hear them use such grown-up words, most of the time correctly. I am also glad to hear them talking this way, because I have feared that living in a house with only one adult they would hear mainly "kid" words and not develop a good vocabulary.

Here are some examples of their new, grown-up vocabulary:

Tonight during baths I was telling Wyatt that I really liked his new hair cut even though he didn't enjoy the actual cutting of the hair. He looked at me and said, "I appreciate that you love me." Yes, he seriously said "appreciate." It was so cute. I started laughing. :)

Lily's favorite word to use is "actually." Wyatt was trying to bring me my purse tonight and he couldn't quite get it to me so Lily took over and said, "actually, I will bring it to you, Mommy." She will also say, "I actually have to go potty" or "actually I went potty, Mommy"...

I LOVE THEM! :)

What We've Been Up To

We enjoyed the rest of our trip to Illinois this week...here is what happened after our day in the city on Wednesday.

Wednesday night: we visited with some friends and then we had dinner with Papa Steve at Chili's -- YUM! We then headed back to our hotel, where the kids enjoyed sleeping in the big beds just a little too much.

Wyatt was bouncing around and fell off the bed. Thankfully the only thing he ended up with was a fat lip.

Thursday morning, my mom, the kids and I headed to IKEA. (I have not been there since before the kids were born.) We spent 3 hours there shopping, exploring, and eating. The kids loved it and so did I!

In the afternoon we headed back to the hotel for a rest. The kids needed a nap, so my mom stayed at the hotel with them and I went to my friend, Rachel's house for a visit. I have not seen her in way too long. It was so nice to be able to catch up with her and spend some time with her daughter, Maddie, who I have only met one other time!

After Rachel's house, I picked up my mom and the kids and we went over to Grammy's house for dinner. It was good to be able to spend time with Laurel, Grandma Jean, Aunt Linda, Brittany, and Cameron. Lily loved all over her "baby Cameron!"

Wyatt loved being silly!

Friday morning, we went out to Kandy's house to hang out. The kids (Jackson, Lily, and Wyatt) enjoyed playing together and I enjoyed loving on Addison Hope! :) We took the kids to a school by their house and let them run and play on the playground. It is so fun to see all that they are able to do this year!


The afternoon was again spent taking naps!


For dinner Friday night, we went to the home of a wonderful family, the Dunham's! It was so fun to be able to catch up with all of them (Doug and Patty; Kristen, Kevin, and Seth; and Stefanie and Daniel), as well as spend more time with Papa Steve! Kristen and Kevin just arrived "home" for the summer from Hungary where Kevin is a teacher at school for "missionary" kids. I hadn't seen them in almost 2 years -- I had never met their little boy, Seth! It was also fun to watch all of the kids (Daniel, Seth, Lily and Wyatt) while the big kids (Papa Steve, "Grandpa" Doug, and Kevin) chased them around.

Lily and Wyatt playing in the sand box with Seth.

Daniel (Stefanie's son) and Lily waiting for another ride in the wagon!

Saturday morning we loaded up and headed home in the rain. We had a lot of fun while we were gone, but there is nothing quite like sleeping in your own bed!

Monday we began our adventures in potty training. I have been dreading potty training since before I was ever pregnant. It seemed like such an impossible, messy, overwhelming task. But, Lily and Wyatt have done FABULOUS! I would say that after only 3 days we are at least 95% potty trained (still in diapers at night). They are both able to tell me when they need to go and they are both dry after naps (diapers just in case for a few more days). I am so glad that I waited until they were a little older and did not force the issue back in February/March when I originally started! They have done so well and they are so proud of themselves! Mommy is proud too! :)

Making brownies today just for fun! :)

Growing in the Wilderness

At church this morning, Dr. Koole was talking about John the Baptist and the person that he was. The Bible goes from him being a baby to him being an adult with hardly any information given. Luke 1:80 "describes" his growing up: "And the child continued to grow, and to become strong in spirit, and he lived in the deserts until the day of his public appearance to Israel."

Dr. Koole went on to discuss what it means to become strong in the spirit and how most often it happens when we live in the "deserts"/wilderness (i.e. trials/difficulties). I was struck by how directly these words and situations apply to my life today; how when I hear these words I can look back and see how they have become evident over the last year.

1. Growing in patience: I must wait for God's timing, I am probably not as ready as I think I am and I must wait and trust God's timing and planning of life.
2. Growing in dependence: God uses these trials, these difficult times in my life, to increase my dependence on Him and Him alone.
3. Growing in contentment: God wants me to be content with what I have NOW! He does not want me longing for what once was or what maybe, rather He wants me to be satisfied with what He has given me today.
4. Growing in priorities/purpose: God wants me to be seeking out what HIS purpose and priorities are for me.
5. Growing in strength: God uses these seasons in my life to make me a stronger person!
6. Growing in courage: God allows our courage to grow as we go through the battles of life.
7. Growing in maturity.
8. Growing in preparation: God is using this time, this moment in my life to prepare me for something that will happen in the future.
9. Growing in relationship: I need to turn to God FIRST, not as a second option.

I know that in the past year I have grown in patience, dependence, contentment, priorities, strength, courage, maturity, preparation, and relationship. I also know that I have a LONG way to go. I am so thankful that God is walking with me through this wilderness. I do often wonder when it will end and what that will look like, but today, I am filled with joy at all God is doing in me during this time!

Day in Pictures -- Chicago

Wrigley Field -- Ryan's Brick

Lincoln Park Zoo with our friends, the Woodard's

We also enjoyed driving on Lake Shore Drive...one of my favorite roads to drive on with Lake Michigan on one side and the parks and Chicago skyline on the other.

Saying Good-Bye

It was one year ago that I last saw Ryan's face. It was the day of his Celebration of Life service here in Michigan. I was doing alright. I felt strong (read: numb). Then our funeral director told me they needed to close the casket so that the service could begin.

At that point, I lost it. This was real. I had to say good-bye. It was the last time I would be able to look at his face and say "I love you." I could not breath. I wanted to collapse. I could NOT do this. It hurt too much.

I don't know how I managed to walk back to the room where the family was gathered. I don't know how I managed to follow Ryan's casket into the Family Life Center at church. I don't know how I held it together at the cemetery when Wyatt tried to open the casket so he could see Daddy...

That is not true. I do know how I did those things. I did those things through God's strength, just as I have done every thing throughout past year. He has been my source of strength. He will continue to be my source of strength. He has used people to give me strength. He has listened to the prayers of others on my behalf. And on the days when I still don't know how I am going to make it...He will continue to be my strength!

Remembering Ryan 2009

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Blessed

BLESSED! That is the best word to describe how I feel today. I have been surrounded by family and friends over the last two days. We have celebrated Ryan's life together, as well as his 1st Heaven Birthday. I feel so loved and so at peace. God is good.

The Memorial Dinner hosted by 5/3rd Bank and Chapel Pointe was AMAZING! They thought of every little detail, right down to the "Donate Life" chocolates at every place setting. There was a ton for all of the kids to do: face painting, tattoos, balloon animals, a cake walk, a fire truck, golf cart rides, a bounce house, and cotton candy. There was live music and good conversation for the adults.

Our Day of Remembering today was equally overwhelming. I was surrounded by the people that have supported me over the last year. We enjoyed a potluck lunch here at the house and then we went to Daddy's Place (cemetery) where our pastor read scripture and talked about Ryan. We then sent balloons to Ryan for his 1st Heaven Birthday. It was so neat for me to watch all of the kids at the cemetery, many of them went and sat by Ryan's headstone for a little bit...it was precious!

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU to every one who made these days special! I appreciate you all!

I can now officially say that our first year is over. I am not sure exactly how that makes me feel. No different really, but I am entering this second year with a little apprehension. I have heard that the second year can be worse than the first. The numbness has worn off and the full reality of life has set in. It makes me wonder where I am actually at on this grief journey. I feel like I have been living in reality, but what will this next year bring? The one thing I do know for sure -- God is good and He will continue to be faithful for the next 12 months, just as He has been for the past 12!

The Worst Day

Tomorrow, June 6, 2009, is the one year anniversary of Ryan's death. Today, June 5, 2009, is the anniversary of the worst day of my life. Maybe that doesn't make sense. Maybe I don't see things clearly. Maybe tomorrow I will think differently. But, if you were to have asked me any time in the past 365 days, I would have told you that June 5 was by far the worst day of my life.

June 5 was the day that:

• I was called to the hospital at 1:30 am.
• I walked into CCMU to find a crash cart outside my husband's room.
• I felt the world falling apart.
• Ryan told me he just wanted to sleep, he didn't feel up to fighting right now.
• Ryan was given medicine to help him rest, with the hope that in 3 or 4 days he would be feeling better.
• Ryan was again placed on "hold".
• I began to really realize things might not work out as "planned".
• I was told I needed to decide what life saving measures I wanted to be carried out.
• I forgot how to breathe.
• I was advised to let Ryan go.
• I decided it was our turn to give someone else a chance at a new life.
• I had to call people who loved us to share devastating news and ask for prayers of strength.
• I had to begin to say good-bye.

June 5, 2008 will always be the day that changed my life. The day when I had to let go of my hopes, my dreams, my future, my husband. It was the day that I had to truly start clinging to Jesus -- without Him, I would not have endured the past 365 days.