Catching Up Again

We have had a busy few weeks and I thought that I would update with pictures.

Two weekends ago, we had visitors from Illinois. My good friend, Kandy, her husband, John, and their son, Jackson, came up to see us for a few days. Here is a picture of Lily and Jackson playing together in the basement. We really enjoyed seeing them!

This past weekend we had a visit from my good friend, Val. It was great to see her (and her engagement ring). It was great to have some girl time too! Lily and Wyatt always love having a visit from Auntie Val...especially when she spoils them for their birthday!

Sunday morning, we lost power at the house. We enjoyed our breakfast by candle light!

Lily and Wyatt are turning 3 on Friday, but they have already celebrated twice. Erin (our favorite babysitter!) came over yesterday to give me some time away and to celebrate with Lily and Wyatt. She is such a gift from God!!!!

Unfortunately, birthday week has been interrupted by a visit from a stomach bug. So far it has only hit Lily and I, but it is definitely having a big effect. This is a picture of Lily sleeping on the family room floor at 10 am this morning after being up for only 2 hours. Hopefully some good sleep with help her to feel better quickly!

In case you missed it, check out the post below to see some cute pictures of Lily and Wyatt taken for their birthday!

Captured Moments

Recently I brought the kids to have their pictures taken for their 3rd birthday. I decided to have them taken by an elementary school friend who found me on Facebook and does photography out of her home.

If you know Wyatt at all, you know that he HATES having his picture taken (he refused to even go into the room to have his 2 year pictures taken last summer). I was a little worried that the session would not go well, but Katie was GREAT! She put both of the kids at ease and did a wonderful job capturing some sweet moments. I am going to have a really hard time choosing which pictures to order!

Click on the link below to see some of the pictures. Enjoy!
http://katiedeboer.smugmug.com/gallery/7769570_AhJVG

My heart just aches. The loneliness that I have been battling for the past 9 1/2 months is overwhelming me. It makes it hard to breath. I cry. I pray. I hug my children. I cry some more. I wonder when this pain, this constant ache will cease...

God is ABLE

"If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." Daniel 3:17-18

The verses above were sent to me today to encourage me. I relay them here to encourage you.

God was ABLE to heal Ryan.

God DID heal Ryan.

God's plan for Ryan's life was different than my plan for Ryan's life.

God's healing for Ryan was not what I, or any of you, wanted. I wanted Ryan to be healed here on this earth. I wanted to receive a phone call telling us that Ryan's new lungs were waiting. I wanted Ryan to come home from the hospital and I wanted our new lives to begin.

God said that is not my plan. God said that it was Ryan's turn to come "home". God is still using Ryan today, but it is through his death and the impact of his life had on so many.

Just as Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego trusted in God's plan for their lives, I too trust in God's plan for my life. I don't know where he is taking me. I don't know what he has in store for me. But I do know this: GOD IS GOOD, GOD LOVES ME, GOD IS FAITHFUL, GOD WILL USE ME IF I LET HIM.

I will not turn from Him even though I may not fully understand His ways this side of heaven.

Sunshine Through the Clouds

Today there are clouds.

Today my mind has flashed back to a year ago. Sitting at Ryan's bedside. Crying. Praying that a bed would become available at U of M, so he could be transferred there and receive the best care possible.

Today in the car, Lily said "yesterday, I saw Daddy sleeping at my church." In reality her yesterday was 9 1/2 months ago at Ryan's visitation. I had to remind her that Daddy is in heaven now. Wyatt's response to this conversation: "I want Daddy to hold me in heaven."

Today I had to remind my children that we have to wait until Jesus tells us it is our turn to go to heaven.

Today there is sunshine through the clouds.

Today I found out that our property taxes have been reduced to match the purchase price of our house -- I was told they could be reduced, but not to expect it to be by that much. Praise God for another blessing!

Today my children told me they loved me.

Today my children made me laugh.

Today my children's laughter filled my house.

Today my children were excited to see the big bunny in the mall!

Today God's love surrounds me and his grace sustains me!

Heart Ache

Today my heart aches. Today marks one year since Ryan has lived in the same house as Lily, Wyatt and me. Wyatt was up in the middle of the night last night and when I got back into bed, I looked at the clock to realize it was about the same time a year ago that Ryan told me I needed to call an ambulance, that he was really struggling to breath (one day early, but both occurred on a Sunday morning).

I tried to convince myself to just fall back to sleep but the memories of what followed that awful night would not shut off in my brain.

I couldn't help but remember:

• how helpless I was that night as my husband was being taken away in the ambulance and my dad followed along in the car. I was stuck at home with the stomach flu...
• the phone calls I had to make to his parents.
• the panic wash over me as Dr. Fitch called me to tell me Ryan was going to have to go on a ventilator.
• the sense of urgency I felt driving to the hospital to see Ryan, to talk to him, to hear his voice...
• the shear terror I felt walking into his room after his vent had been placed.
• the phone call to U of M and realizing how serious this all was.
• the days at Ryan's bedside in early April when he wasn't waking up and it seemed that the doctors and staff were ready to give up.
• the sense of hope that I felt as Ryan started to make a turn for the better.
• the joy I felt at communicating with Ryan again, seeing his determination to beat the odds and prove the doctors wrong.
• the friendships built with the staff in the Unit.
• the pride I had in Ryan's strength, his ability to get out of bed and walk and meet his requirements to get back on the list.
• the priceless moments we had together when we talked for hours about our past and our dreams for our future.
• the anxiety as Ryan's health again started to spiral downward.
• the persistence that Ryan had to keep fighting...to press on.
• the losing battle, the suffering in his eyes as his body got more and more tired.
• the 100% oxygen settings on the ventilator.
• the moment I knew he wasn't going to make it.
• the last "I love you's".
• the last good-bye.

I wonder today how I will make it through the next 11 weeks of remembering...only by God's sustaining grace...

March Madness

I have not got caught up in March Madness this year. Just the thought of filling out a bracket brought tears to my eyes.

Ryan LOVED March Madness.

Every year since we started dating, we would both fill out brackets and have a friendly competition between the two of us. We would then watch as many games together as possible, tracking the winners and teasing each other about who was winning and who was losing. I just couldn't bring myself to fill out a bracket; it would not be the same without Ryan here to compete with me. In the 6 years of our relationship, I was usually the winner (thanks mostly to the help of my students). Last year Ryan won, but he was too sick to even know. This year, this year it doesn't even matter...

Thanks!

I just wanted to take a moment to thank all of you for your words of encouragement and your PRAYERS! They definitely helped yesterday. We had a much better day. I could laugh and enjoy my children...I could breath. THANKS!

We also passed another "milestone" yesterday...it had been one year since Ryan was officially listed on the lung transplant list. Here are my thoughts from that day:

God's Timing
Things never seem to go as planned, well not my plans anyway. The big news today is that Ryan is officially listed for a lung transplant after having a successful heart cath this morning. He is number 1 on the list for his blood type and body size. There are others who have a higher lung allocation scores (LAS), but they have a different body size than Ryan so they don't pull from the same donor lungs.

We had gotten the feeling last week that Ryan would probably be higher on the list that we first thought, but I must say I was SHOCKED when he called and told me that his is number one. I thought that I would have more mental time to prepare, but in all reality I/we could get a call at any moment. It could literally be in the next hour. WOW!!!!!

Please pray that God allows us to both mentally prepare before the time comes, even if it is tonight. Please also pray that I can physically prepare (bags packed, oil changed, bank stuff, phone list done) before this life changing moment happens for us.

This is a picture of Wyatt and I from yesterday. He was in a picture taking mood and I thought this one turned out well. Hopefully he will be in a picture taking mood when I take them for their 3 year old pics on Saturday!

I could really...

... use some prayers right now.

I have not been feeling like myself. I am struggling to wrap my mind around a lot of different things in my life. I don't even know how to describe the past few days:

• I have felt very lonely.
• I have lacked patience with Lily and Wyatt and the tantrums they have taken to throwing.
• I have felt overwhelmed with the responsibility of owning a home.
• I have wondered where God is going to lead us from here...

To me, wondering where God is going to lead us from here is an interesting thought. If He had revealed to me a year ago all that He was going to ask me to go through, I probably would have thrown my own temper tantrum (that is, if I believed Him at all). I know that God knows what is best for me. I know that He is using situations and people in my life to help me transform into a different person. I know that I am still on this earth because He still has work for me to do here. But sometimes I do wish that I could see brief glimpses into my future (as long as they were glimpses of a happy, perfect life).

Anyway...here are some pictures of my little rays of sunshine, the two people who make it a little easier to get out of bed each day!

Enjoying our new backyard...have I told you how BIG it is (it goes all the way to the wooden fence at the "back" of the picture)! Lily and Wyatt would live outside if I let them. Thankfully our BIG backyard is completely fenced in!

Here is a picture of Lily and Wyatt hanging out in the cupboard above our pantry (roughly 5 feet in the air). They thought it was great and are very disappointed that I decided to fill it up with random kitchen appliances rather than them.

My sister-in-law, Amanda, is getting married in a few months. Lily and Wyatt are in the wedding, so we have been looking for a flower girl (a.k.a. princess) dress for Lily to wear. She LOVES being princess! (I will, however, need to teach her that it is NOT appropriate for a princess to lift her dress up!) :)

A New Feeling of Loss

This morning my grief has washed over me in a new way. I am not feeling the loss for myself, but I am feeling if for my children. Lily and Wyatt are almost 3. They have basically lived 1/3 of their short lives without a Daddy.

They don't have a Daddy:

• to teach them how to ride a bike.
• to read them books.
• to give them a break from Mommy.
• to teach them how to laugh.
• to teach them how to squirt the jelly out of a jelly donut (Ryan was really looking forward to teaching them this).
• to give them a great appreciation for football.
• to teach them to play catch.
• to wipe their tears.
• to teach them how to respect others.
• to see them on their wedding day.

They won't remember:

• how much Daddy loved Little Debbie brownies.
• that one of Daddy's favorite snacks was pretzels and cheese.
• that Daddy loved to munch on Chex Mix.
• Daddy's great appreciation for movies.
• how my their Daddy loved them.

Yes, many of those things can be taught to them by me, but it is not the same. Life will never be the same without Ryan. The dreams we had for Lily and Wyatt will never be fulfilled in the same way.

My heart hurts for my children today.

Blogging has been a relaxing activity for me over the last year, but I have just been at a loss lately of what to write. We are walking into the anniversaries of the downward spiral in Ryan's health. I know that as I go through the next 12 weeks I will be thinking about the roller coaster that was my life a year ago. I don't know if these are thoughts and feelings I want to share; I don't know if these are thoughts and feelings that others want to hear.

When I realized that today was March 12, it reminded me that it was one year ago that Ryan was unexpectedly hospitalized at University Hospital. We had made the two hour trip the night before, so that we could be at U of M bright and early for his right heart cath (the last test he needed to have done in order to be placed on the lung transplant list). Upon arriving at the hospital, it was determined that Ryan was too sick to undergo the procedure. For some reason, the news was hard for me to hear. I struggled with the fact that Ryan was going to be hospitalized 2 hours from home so they could treat the same influenza and pneumonia that he had just been treated for in the hospital at home.

I felt lost and confused being in a strange place. I didn't know the hospital. I didn't know the doctors or nurses. My kids were so far away. How strange that only two weeks later that same hospital would become "home". Those same doctors and nurses would become family. I would become numb to the fact that I could only see my children for a few hours on the weekends.

Reflecting on this past year is unbelievable. The highs and the lows. The tears and the laughter. The love and the loneliness. Such extremes. All of these things have changed me and made me into a different person from a year ago.

Weekend Fun

What fun weekend!

Friday started with birthday party for my nephew, Noah. This was interrupted by a phone call from my friend, Val. She was calling to tell me that she is ENGAGED! YIPPEE! Congrats to Val and Dave, I am so excited to see how God is going to work in your lives together.

Val was really excited! (Who isn't when they get engaged?)

Dave did a great job picking out the ring!

The happy couple!

On Saturday and Sunday, we enjoyed a visit from Ryan's mom and Grandma! The kids were spoiled rotten, but we all had a good time together.

Lily, Grammy, and Wyatt

Grandma-Great, Lily, and Grammy

Here are 3 videos of Lily and Wyatt "exercising" with Grandma-Great. I couldn't pick which one was my favorite, so I put all three of them up. Lily thought that it was fun to get up and run circles around Mommy... (don't forget to turn the music off on the blog).

Today we are on to the joys of potty training. We are 3 hours in and they have both had 2 accidents and 1 successful attempt. This just might be a task that is put on hold for another week or two...

If found this saying on another blog (who had found it on another blog). I thought it emphasizes the fact that it is all in God's timing: I might think I am ready for something or I might want something, but God knows that I am not ready for it or that it is not what I need.

9 Months

My mind is disorganized as I write this post, but I wanted to share some of what is on my heart today.

Today marks 9 months, 9 MONTHS, since Ryan's death. I look back and think how is that possible. It still, at times, seems like it was only last week that we were at the University of Michigan laughing together, walking the unit to meet his daily requirements, waiting for new lungs... At other times, it honestly seems like it has been years since I have seen Ryan or talked with him.

I have been in a reflective mood over the last week. I cannot help but praise God for all that he has done for me, for us. I am not just talking about our new house or our financial stability in these difficult times. I am talking about the overwhelming sense of peace, contentment, and hope that God has given to me. It is unexplainable. It should not be possible. But, it is because of the love my God has for me! He is so GOOD! I feel so blessed by his love for me.

I wrote a few weeks ago about a sermon at church on contentment. Contentment is something that I have struggled with my entire life. I want to share some of the points of that sermon and what they made me think about my life.

The sermon was titled: The Secrets of Being Content. Our pastor began by talking about God's providence: how He orchestrates the events of my life. He then said that contentment comes when I recognize God's providence. Intriguing...

Here are the 6 secrets that he gave from Paul in the book of Philippians (4:10-13)
1. God knows what is best for ME!: I am so glad that he does; if I have received in my life all that I thought I should have, I would not be where I am today.
2. God cares deeply about me and my struggles: I am not in this alone!
3. God's timing is always right on schedule: wow, as I think about this one and how it applies to my life with Ryan, it is not always easy to understand. I trust it and I believe it. I know that God ordained the days of Ryan's life. I know that God has things for me on this earth even though Ryan's work was done...
4. God's favor doesn't always mean abundance.
5. The tougher the struggle, the greater the growth: This point is ME! This has been a difficult 9 months, a difficult year. I know that through my struggles, God has allowed me to grow in ways that never would have happened if I didn't face these challenges.
6. God has provided me with the strength to get through: so true! without God I would not have made it through this year!

The only thing I can say is GOD IS GOOD!

That is the Question

To Nap?

Or not to nap?
This is what I found when I checked on the kids during nap time.

Happy Birthday, Valerie!

I just wanted to take the time to say Happy 30th Birthday, Val!

You are an amazing friend and I am blessed to have you in my life. I am so excited to see all that God is doing in your life. Enjoy your special day!

Celebrating Ryan

We have been celebrating Ryan's birthdays in different ways throughout the day today. When the kids first woke up we said "Happy Birthday, Daddy" and we talked about his birthday party in heaven with Jesus.

We watched our "Daddy" movie in our jammies! How good it was to hear his voice and his laughter this morning!

Later in the morning, the kids asked for Ryan's cell phone. I got it out for them and they called Daddy and asked how he was doing in heaven on his birthday (this was completely their own doing -- so precious!).

Our next adventure was getting balloons to send to Daddy. They each picked two latex balloons (Wyatt: green and blue; Lily: purple and purple) one to send to Daddy and one to keep. We also got a Mylar birthday balloon. We went to Daddy's place and sent the balloons to Daddy in heaven.

What could be better than McDonald's for lunch to celebrate Daddy's birthday?

Of course we had to enjoy some ice cream after eating such a nutritious lunch! :)

The best part of the day was going to see a movie: Under the Sea 3-D. Ryan LOVED movies, so I thought this would be a perfect way to celebrate his birthday. It was the first movie the kids have ever been to and they did really well. Wyatt would not wear the glasses, but it was fun anyway.

Looking silly in our 3-D glasses!

My evening ended with a group of friends at Qdoba for dinner. The friends God has brought into my life through our church are truly a blessing to me. They gave me a gift that honored who Ryan was and I am speechless at their thoughtfulness and compassion.

Here is what was written in the card:

Happy 28th Birthday to Ryan -- In honor of him we have purchased a memorial brick at Wrigley Field home of the Chicago Cubs. May his memory & legacy live on as a blessing to you and your kids and the generations to come.

Thank you so much to all of the thoughtful and generous people who gave to make that wonderful gift possible! I am so blessed to have you all in my life!!!

This has been a day of both tears and laughter. I am thankful for Ryan and for the life he lived. I am thankful for the blessing that he was in my life and in the life of so many people. He was an amazing husband, daddy, son, brother, and friend.

Happy Birthday, Ryan!

Today is Ryan's 28th birthday. Ryan loved birthdays, he loved having a reason to spend time with family and to have fun. I am sure that he is having quite the celebration in heaven this year. Ryan was truly an amazing man!

Please enjoy these pictures of Ryan from our 5 years of marriage!

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

** Don't forget to turn off the music on the right hand side of the blog.

First Week In the New House

We have enjoyed our first week in the new house. The kids have done excellent sleeping in separate rooms and they love having a lot of room to play and run. I love the house; everything turned out as I wanted. The biggest thing to adjust to is the size...more to clean...more places to feel the loneliness. (Pictures of the "finished" rooms are at the bottom of the post...blogger won't let me move the pics around, so they are a little random.)

Here is a picture of Wyatt helping me clean at the townhouse.

This is Lily's favorite place to sit and play in the new house (living room steps).

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Yesterday, I was able to go to Val's house to spend some time with her for her 30th birthday which is on Wednesday. It is always good to spend time with a great friend! I enjoyed getting to know Dave a little bit better as well.

Val had a bunch of friends over last night for food, fun and fellowship! Good times were had by all as we played "Pit" for about 2 hours.

Happy (almost) Birthday, Val! Love You!!!

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Here are two pictures of the kids enjoying meals in the new house...one at our new table and one at our bar.

Wyatt and Lily's rooms finished with curtains and furniture (Lily still needs her bugs on the wall, but we have to wait for the paint to be on longer).

Spare room/office with furniture. I hope to eventually paint in here, but that is a project for the future.

I love how my room turned out!

Bathrooms! The main bath still needs a new counter top, but it is now beige instead of blue and yellow.

Living room

Two views of the kitchen and dining room.

The finished pantry!

Family Room with furniture.