My Brave Boy

Wyatt had his first "surgery" this morning and he was such a brave boy!

He has been tongue-tied since birth and to this point I did not think it was a big deal -- he ate great as an infant and his speech seemed on par with other 4 year olds. However, a couple of weeks ago at the dentist, she pointed out some speech issues he was having that could be directly related to being tongue-tied. I contacted our pediatrician and he referred us to an ENT who we saw yesterday. Evidently Wyatt was "severely tethered" and the ENT also thought it would be a benefit to have this taken care of. With it being the holiday weekend there were a lot of openings in today's surgery schedule and they fit us in first thing (7:30 am) this morning.

Wyatt did GREAT! He didn't not fuss about the early wake-up call (6 am) and he was very brave walking into the hospital. A friend of mine came with me to keep me company and help in case Wyatt got sick at all from the meds on the way home and we were surprised by one of our pastors (and good friend) who also showed up with treats to keep us company as well. Wyatt was entertained by Playhouse Disney as we waited for surgery time. All of the nurses were very kind and patient to my sensitive little boy. The hardest part of the whole ordeal was watching and listening to Wyatt scream for me as they took him back to surgery -- broke this mama's heart. The procedure itself went well and his hospital recovery was easy! It has been a long day with a tired and crabby boy, but overall I could not have asked for this to have gone better.

Am I Listening?

On Sunday I was challenged by the message from our pastor to be listening for God to speak. It was a good message and a great reminder that God does speak to us through his words and through his Spirit. I just have to remember to be open and to be listening when God does speak to me.

Even before hearing the message on Sunday I had been feeling as though God had been speaking directly to my heart. I have been praying some very specific prayers and the answers He is continually sending are so overwhelming to me! God is so good. He is so faithful. It brings me to tears often as I think about all that He has done for me.

I have also found that in this time of closeness with God I am facing battles that are from Satan. I am being stretched and challenged as a parent in ways that I have not been before. I feel like Satan is attempting to get me to give up and give in to my sinful nature. I have been spending a lot of time studying the fruits of the Spirit and the armor of God in my quiet time. It is my greatest desire to bear the fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control to those I come in contact with. Lily and Wyatt see me more than any one else and I want to be an example to them of what God calls us to be. Some days it is just so difficult! It is all about the process I suppose. Am I improving just a little bit each day? Am I seeking God when the difficulties arise? Am I praising Him in the struggles I am facing?

This morning I was also reflecting on what the past 2+ years have been like. They have not been easy, but I can see that I have gained much from all that I have gone through. There is nothing that has drawn me to a closer walk with Jesus than the struggles of being a single mom and widow. There have been moments of feeling helpless, alone, afraid, scared, and overwhelmed. There are still those moments. But in all honesty, I do not think I would change things. I am thankful for who I am becoming in Christ. I am thankful that my heart has been changed. I am thankful for the different perspective of life that I have.

God is good.

Abundantly Blessed

I have been feeling so grateful lately. God has again opened my eyes to all of the blessing that I have in my life. I am filled with JOY at all that he is doing around me.


Here are just some of the things I am thankful for today:

• Two healthy, happy children who enjoy playing together
• Two different but fun jobs
• Friends who make me laugh
• Those who are willing to listen and encourage me
• Situations in life that bring me hope
• God answering some very specific prayers
• Having the ability to exercise and take care of myself
• God's protection in the storms last night
• Sunshine
• A new driveway
• God drawing me closer to him
• The thoughtfulness of others on Father's Day
• Ice Cream :)
• God at work in the lives of those around me

I am sure that I could list things all day and I would still miss some of the blessings that are surrounding me. I am just in awe of what God is doing. He is so good!

Moving Forward

I feel like I am moving forward. I am only a few days into year three, but some major things that have needed closure since Ryan's death are finally being taken care of. Moving forward is a good feeling even though it sometimes requires heartache and struggle. God has definitely used the challenges of the last 2+ years to stretch me and grow me. I am grateful for the bumps in the road because they do not allow me to grow stagnant -- they force me to press on and to rely on my heavenly Father. He is so, so good!

Chicago -- Ryan Style

Here is a video montage of our weekend in Chicago remembering Ryan on his 2nd Heaven Birthday. The music playing is the theme song from West Wing -- Ryan's favorite tv show.

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Two Years with Jesus

Two years with Jesus in such different ways:
It has been two years since Ryan was called home to Jesus.
It has been two years of relying on Jesus alone to get through each day.

Ryan is spending eternity in the presence of the King.
He is breathing free.
He experiences no pain, no suffering, no sorrow, no sadness.
He has received the reward of his heavenly crown.
He no longer has to be concerned with the daily grind of life.
He is not stressed about finances, work, the stock market, or the Cubs.
He is healthy and happy.

Two years with Jesus has been much different for me.
I have longed to be in the presence of my King.
I have worried about having the strength to get through each day.
My days have been a mixtures of sadness and joy.
I have felt pain, suffering, and sorrow.

Even though the past two years have not been easy, I know that Jesus has been with me. He is the reason that I have made it through the last 730 days. Even though there is pain and heartache in my life, there is much joy as well. Jesus has blessed me with two beautiful children -- two wonderful reminders of their daddy. He has blessed me with caring family and friends. He has provided for all of our needs. He will continue to help me get through each day of this next year just as he has helped me get through each day of the last two years.

thoughts on the second year

When I was originally told that the second year of grief is often harder than the first, it was hard to imagine – but it is so true. In the first year after Ryan died I was able to “function”. I was able to communicate the grief I was feeling. I was able to work through a lot of the feelings I had and it seemed like I was taking the “normal” path of grief. I felt like I was able to share my feelings and not be judged. It seemed okay for me to wear my heart on my sleeve.

I have found that in the course of this second year I have struggled more with expressing myself. I have struggled to figure out where I fit in. I am not longer married but I am not single. I feel like I can’t relate and it often leaves me feeling lost and alone. I find myself shutting down and shutting people out. Sometimes people see it as me being “stand-off-ish” but that is not it and I don’t mean for it to seem that way. I have guarded my heart more carefully, not wanting to feel the hurt that others can cause. I have not wanted to show how much my heart is broken. Some days the pain is so great I don’t have the words to express what I am feeling. I don’t want to cry and I don’t want to see pity in other people’s eyes when I tell them that I am weary and overwhelmed. I don’t want to seem like I am constantly complaining about loneliness. I don’t want to be a burden to other people. Everyone has something that they are dealing with, I don’t want it to seem that I feel my struggles are bigger than theirs – it has become easier just not to share the hurt instead of always feeling selfish.

It feels like life has become about survival. I get up each day because I have to. I have responsibilities that I must meet. Lily and Wyatt need me. I need to do the jobs that God has placed in my life (which I am grateful for). But each day is just a routine. It is something that I need to get through so that I can get back into to bed each night. I want something more. I am seeking God for what that something is, but I am struggling to be patient in my waiting for Him to reveal what His purpose is for me.

The grief is different now too. Of course I still miss Ryan, but I miss also miss more. I miss the life we used to have. I miss being a wife. I miss being appreciated for the things that I do. I miss preparing meals for someone who likes more that pb & j. I miss packing lunches. I miss having a friend in my house each night. I miss dreaming. I miss talking and confiding in someone who loves me unconditionally. There are many times that my tears and heartache are for what my children are missing. I hear all the time about the importance of a daddy’s influence in the lives of sons and daughters. Each time I hear it brought up it takes my breath away. It causes me to worry about how the events of the past two years will shape their lives. I worry that I am not doing enough to mold them into godly children and that they are missing out on more that I could ever give them.

The second year of grief has been difficult. It has hurt. I am hopeful that the third year will be a better year – mentally, emotionally, physically…

How He Loves Us

This is one of my favorite songs right now -- enjoy!

Lessons from Out on a Limb

This past weekend I had the privilege of attending a Beth Moore Living Proof Ministries conference with my good friend, Val (and 7,298 other women from 24 states). It was a refreshing weekend. It was a needed retreat. It was a heart opening message for me.

Beth's theme focused on trees and she used different scripture references to make her point. The most impacting aspect of the conference for me was Friday night when her focus was from Jotham's Fable in Judges 9. She talked about the different trees being different types of kings in our lives. The olive tree = religious life, the fig tree = indulgences, the grape vine = intoxication, and the thorn bush = our struggles, trials, etc.

I had never really thought about the fact that my struggles could be the king of my life -- who would want to worship the struggles they are facing. But what I took away from her teaching wasn't that you worship your struggles, but that you focus on them so much that you lose focus of your real KING and what He is doing in your life through those struggles. It was a wake up call for me to realize I was focusing too much on the difficulties in my life and not on what God is doing through them. I was becoming resentful of some of the challenges I have to face and not embracing them as a way for God to continue His good work in me. I am so thankful for God's grace and mercy and patience as I take my time in learning and growing in Him.

Here is a video from the weekend!

Living Proof Live - Grand Rapids from Rich Kalonick on Vimeo.

Summer Bible Study with Beth Moore

I am interested in doing the Siesta Summer Bible Study III that Beth Moore will be "leading" this summer. She/I/we will be studying Kelly Minter's Ruth: Loss, Love, & Legacy. You can go here and read the details of what Living Proof Ministries suggests for the bible study. I think it sounds like a wonderful study and I think it could be a great time of fellowship. I am willing to host each time we meet (it would actually make my life a little easier). Please let me know if you are interested in joining me. Books can be purchased online at Life Way or at Kelly Minter's website for $12.95.

This is the description of the study given on Kelly Minter's website:

Ruth's journey of unbearable loss, redeeming love, and divine legacy comes alive in Kelly Minter's Ruth: Loss, Love & Legacy -- the second study in the Living Room Series. This six week Bible study delves into the noble character of Ruth, her unique relationship with her mother-in-law Naomi, and her blossoming love with Boaz.

Liberty's Wagons

Are you interested in blessing another family? How about 1000's of families? My friend, Kelly, has a daughter in heaven. Liberty blessed this earth for 5 short months, but Kelly and her husband are keeping her memory alive through Liberty's Wagons. In honor of what would have been Libby's 3rd birthday they are trying to raise enough money to donate 10 wagons to a local children's hospital. The wagons will be used to transport kids to and from different appointments throughout the hospital. They also bring a lot of joy to kids who are in a place that isn't always very happy. Please visit Kelly's blog here where you can see pics of this beautiful family. Click here if you would like the help raise the last $257 for the wagons.

House Updates

Here are the pictures of the updates we have done to the house over the last two weeks. I love the results in all 4 rooms!

Two Big Kids

It seems like Lily and Wyatt have grown up a lot today. They started off the morning by making their beds all by themselves. Wyatt made his without being asked and then Lily decided that she needed to try too. They are definitely not the most neatly made beds, but I have resisted the urge to fix them because they were so proud to do it all by themselves.



Later in the morning we went to the dentist for their first official visit. I was worried because they started crying at home when I told them they would have to open their mouths like they were saying "ahh". Once we got there all fear disappeared. Lily climbed up into the chair was a model patient the entire time. Wyatt had a little more hesitation, but he did GREAT!

Great Strides Pictures

Here are pictures from today's walk. The weather was beautiful and there was $94,000 raised for CF at the Grand Rapids walk. Thanks to everyone who walked with me and to those who supported this cause with their financial donations!

Blessed By Brownies

I opened my door yesterday afternoon to discover a box dropped off by UPS. I love getting packages, especially when I don't know that they are coming. I picked up the box in excitement to discover that on the return label was the name of one of Ryan's RT's at U of M. In that moment I was already blessed! It is unbelievable to me that nearly two years after Ryan died I would still maintain contact with the people there -- that those people would take the time to remember us. It speaks VOLUMES of the impact that my wonderful husband had on the people around him even at his most difficult time of life.

I hurried to the kitchen to open the box and found a treasure of brownies. And let me just tell you, these are no ordinary brownies! This RT would often bring treat to hospital for the staff and he always made sure to share with us. He also had a favorite restaurant/bakery and he stopped a couple of times on his way into work to buy us some of their famous brownies. Oh my YUM! (My favorite have caramel oozing out of them!) He had found out about our Great Strides walk (I am guessing from another of Ryan's RT's who was going to walk with us, but can't because she has to work) and sent us a box of brownies in case we "might need a little 'boost' to get us through the walk."

Such a thoughtful gift from someone I have not seen in almost two years. Such a HUGE blessing to know that my husband is not forgotten.

Thanks, Chuck!

Catching Up Again

I feel like there is so much to catch up on and at the same time I feel like I have nothing to write. Life continues to be really busy -- good busy, but busy all the same. I am really enjoying my job, I love the quiet of the office and the change of pace that it provides. I am thankful that it is only one day a week because even during that one day I miss my kiddos. :)

We have been changing some things up here at the house. We just finished 4 days of chaos after having all three bedroom floors refinished. They look FABULOUS! It was necessary because termites had eaten some of my floor (fun, fun) and there were some boards with water damage that needed to be replaced in Wyatt's room. And hey, if you are doing two rooms, why not do all three. :) We have also done some rearranging around the house. The office has been officially turned into a guest room. I purchased a full size bed so that people will be more comfortable staying in there. The crib is also set up in there to help the little girl I babysit sleep more comfortably. It works well, because I often have friends visiting with Illinois and they have a one year old (can't wait to see you guys TOMORROW!!!!). I will have to get pictures up soon. The double bed lead to us having an "extra" twin bed which has become Lily's bed. Wyatt has the bunk beds in his room that were Lily and Wyatt first big kid beds. Needless to say, there has been a lot of change happening around here...hopefully I will get pics up soon.

This weekend we are having 7 out of town visitors coming to join us in the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation Great Strides walk. I am excited to be walking to help find a cure for this terrible disease. The shirt turned out great, so hopefully we will get some fun pictures of the team in them this weekend. It will be crazy busy with all the visitors, but it will be fun.

Mother's Day has come and gone and I am thankful. It was a difficult day, actually the days leading up to it were more difficult. I am not sure if that makes sense to most people because Mother's Day is about being a mother. I have two wonderful, adorable, precious children and I am thankful for them. But Mother's Day is made special by the daddy to those children. Four year olds don't understand Mother's Day. They don't realize that the day is any different. They don't drive to the store to buy your a card or flowers or a gift. Ryan always did his best to make me feel special on Mother's Day and I really missed that this year (last year we were on a plane on our way home from Disney so it didn't hit as close to home). It was just another reminder of all that we are missing.

It is so hard to believe that in a couple weeks it will have been two years since Ryan died. I continue to struggle with how that is possible. It still seems like yesterday and it also seems like it was a million years ago....

Here are a couple of recent pictures of the kids...they are the only two that I have taken if weeks.

Wyatt was sleeping so sweetly one night, I couldn't resist snapping a quick picture of him. I love watching my children sleep, especially after a day filled with tantrums and disobedience.

Lily loves to draw and to write her name. She did this picture up in her room and then called me up to see her self-portrait.

Life has been crazy recently. Three weeks ago I began working one day at week at our church. I am helping out in the office: printing bulletins, stuffing mailboxes, creating fliers, answering the phones, etc. It is nice to get out of the house one day a week and the kids are well taken care of by my parents. Even though it is only one day, it has taken a little adjusting. I am still babysitting two days a week, so we are quite busy.

This week is also our garage sale (tonight, tomorrow, and Friday). I have been busy organizing and pricing stuff to sell. We are getting rid of a lot of toys that Lily and Wyatt have "outgrown". It feels good to de-clutter, but it is another reminder of how fast they are growing!

A Beautiful Tribute

A week or so ago I mentioned Sarah's blog and her son, Connor. Here is a beautiful video that she made to honor Connor's life and to raise awareness about CF.

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

A Mom's Day Giveaway

Maggie Moo's Mom is doing a giveaway for Mother's Day. Head over here to register to win a "mom" shirt for you and a friend.

We have two shirts from Maggie Moo's Mom -- so cute!

Whose Face Do You See?

Cystic Fibrosis -- I lived in ignorance for most of my life about this awful disease. I didn't know what cystic fibrosis was before 2001, I don't know that I had even heard of it before then. I had no idea that:

"Approximately 30,000 children and adults in the United States have cystic fibrosis. An additional ten million more—or about one in every 31 Americans—are carriers of the defective CF gene, but do not have the disease. CF is most common in Caucasians, but it can affect all races."

If you had asked me what the symptoms of CF were, I could not have told you that the most common are:

• Very salty-tasting skin
• Persistent coughing, at times with phlegm
• Frequent lung infections, like pneumonia or bronchitis
• Wheezing or shortness of breath
• Poor growth/weight gain in spite of a good appetite
• Frequent greasy, bulky stools or difficulty in bowel movements
• Small, fleshy growths in the nose called nasal polyps

I had no idea that my life and the lives of my children would forever be changed by this disease...

Yet, when I think of cystic fibrosis I don't see a disease, I see a face, a person. I see the face of my husband. I see the face of Lily and Wyatt's daddy. I see the face of the person that I miss each an every day because this disease does not have a cure. I see Ryan.

I hear stories and read blogs about people with cystic fibrosis. Some stories are sad, difficult, and depressing. Some stories are happy, heartfelt, and exciting. Almost all stories have something positive to share. You see the thing about cystic fibrosis is that it seems to bring out the best in people. All of the people I have know with CF are positive about life. They see the glass as half-full. They are determined. They are fighters. They are unwilling to give up until the last option has been tried. They don't want you to feel sorry for them, they want you to see them as a person who has an illness, but is not defined by the illness.


Whose face do I see when I think about cystic fibrosis? I see my husband, who fought until the very end against this disease. Whose face do you see when you think about cystic fibrosis?

Please join me in fighting this terrible disease. Please join my team, Sweeney Striders, in taking a stand against this disease that takes lives every day, but not before those lives can make a difference. My personal goal for Great Strides is $1,000. I need 10 more people who are willing to partner with me at $10 a piece to help me reach my goal.

Facts about CF listed in the post can be found here.