Grief is unpredictable. Grief comes in waves.
Today as I was having my quiet time, I was thanking God for getting me to where I, for allowing me to find a new "normal", for continually helping me to keep going. I was feeling refreshed and secure. I was feeling like I was doing alright.
Then the wave hit.
Today is November 23. It is not a day of special significance, but then I started thinking about the fact that it was 8 months ago today that Ryan went on a ventilator. That lead to me thinking about the fact the I am entering into a period of time filled with 1 year anniversaries starting with 1 year since visiting U of M and meeting Dr. Ojo for the first time (December 20). My birthday is also coming. I remember feeling sorry for myself last year when Ryan was in the hospital on my birthday; this year I wish I was going to be able to visit him in the hospital on my birthday this year.
Today also included a Holiday Remembrance Program hosted by the funeral home. It was so emotional to "remember" Ryan in that way; to be at a place with others also filled with grief; to listen to Amazing Grace being sung and being asked to sing along on the last verse. I don't often cry in public, but I did today. Tears streamed down my face as I saw my husband's name flashed up on the screen, as I walked to the front to light a candle in his memory, as I listened to Psalm 23 being read, as the pastor talked about how grief is in all the little things.
Today it hurts. Grief is still here. It is still overpowering.
But I am thankful for the opportunity to remember my husband today and I am thankful that God is here with me helping me get through this hard day too.
12 comments:
Oh Kristin..
Im so sorry that today has been hard for you. You are right, grief comes in waves. You can't avoid grief and when it hits you it hurts. Im having another hard day as well. I think its with thanksgiving and Christmas coming up my emotions have decided to run wild. I wish I lived in the same neighborhood as you..shoot, at this point I wish I lived in the same state as you! I would make some homemade hot chocolate, put it in a thermos and head on over to your house where we could sip and cry. :o(
Im so so sorry that you have to go through such pain. Im so sorry that you can't just go to the hospital and see Ryan. As much as I hated Libby being at the Childrens hospital those 4 months I would do ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING to have the chance to walk into her room one more time...
My heart breaks for you tonight. Please know that you are not alone, that God is right there with you and that I am about a zillion miles away praying sweet prayers for you!!
Hugs sweet 'sister'!
Love,
Kelly
Dear Kristin...
It was good to see you off in the distance at church today, doing life, looking brave... As I read your blog tonight I thought of this poem, shared with me after the death of one that I loved...
It made me cry to think that Jesus will keep our song going when our voice cracks and we just cannot find the strength to sing!
"Is the midnight closing round you?
Are the shadows dark and long?
Ask Him to come close beside you,
And He'll give you a new, sweet song.
He'll give it and sing it with you;
And when weakness lets it down,
He'll take up the broken cadence,
And blend it with His own.
"And many a rapturous minstrel,
Among those sons of light,
Will say of His sweetest music,
` I learned it in the night.'
And many a rolling anthem,
That fills the Father's home,
Sobbed out its first rehearsal,
In the shade of a darkened room."
You are in my prayers tonight.
Brian
Kristin, I have no words that will comfort you. Just know that your words are comforting to me. Lots of cyber hugs from me to you... lots.
God Bless You dear. Tears stream as I think of all you have been through and will continue to go through. My prayers are truly with you.
Dear Kristin,
I am so very sorry for what you must go through in these days of memories and anniversaries. A tidal wave of grief has knocked you off your feet and reminded all of us to continue praying for you and your little ones every day.
I share a little thought with you...
"God cushions our hurting hearts with soft pillows of comfort and hope." (Judy Gordon)
May you rest deeply on that pillow tonight and may tomorrow bring a new sense of comfort and hope to your hurting heart.
Kristin, always thinking and praying for you. I can't imagine your grief and you always amaze me with your strength and grace. I know you don't like help and don't like to ask for help, but know that I am here...I will help in any way I can. Laura
kristin
i have been thinking so much about you this past week. these days leading into holidays are the worst....please know that Heaven is being stormed with prayers for you tonight....
you WILL make it - one wave at a time....
jolynn
I love you!!
i am so sorry that yesterday hurt, i hope that today a little of that pain has eased. sending you lots of prayers and hugs...
Kristin, I wish every day every CF'er could experience the gift of new lungs... and I don't know that I will ever understand why that isn't possible... I just know that every time I click on your blog and see those two beautiful babies of yours, I smile and I can only imagine how big Ryan must have smiled every day to be around them and you... I have really enjoyed your "thankful" posts this month... I am thankful for your blog.. your strength is inspiring, even when you may not feel so strong. Hugs to you and the kiddos!
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