Yes, I know this is my third post of the day, but when the thoughts come I want to share them.
I have really been struggling lately with Ryan's death. I continue to cry more than I thought possible. It HURTS. Yesterday as I was getting the kids up from their naps, I was so overwhelmed. I was laying next to Wyatt and I just started crying. I kept asking God, how do I do this? The kids were not being naughty, but sometimes life is just overwhelming to me. I know that I have to take life one day at a time. Some days it is a struggle to want to get up and get going; it would be so much easier to just pull the covers back up and go back to sleep.
The holidays are coming and I think that is amplifying a lot of my pain. Last night we drew names for Christmas with my family -- Ryan's name wasn't in the mix. It hurt.
I chose to listen to the CD from Ryan's Celebration of Life today (although I discovered it wasn't all recorded). I brought the box of kleenex to the couch with me because I had already cried so much today, I figured the tears would continue to flow. They did, but it was so good to be reminded of my husband from the perspective of others. Ryan's best friend, Scott, spoke at the service, as well as a former teacher/coach, his boss, and his mom. It was good to laugh at the stories they shared. It was also so good to be reminded of the truth that Ryan is in such a better place. Sometimes I think that he is missing out on so much, especially with Lily and Wyatt. He is, but it is not something that he regrets.
I will continue to miss Ryan. I still don't understand why God did not provide "new" lungs here on this earth, but I will choose to praise God for his faithfulness in healing Ryan. God is good, even when we don't understand.
4 comments:
kristin
those firsts that make it more real that ryan isn't here.....there's no getting around it - they just hurt. no going around it...just through it. know that even on those days you're feeling alone - you have all of us holding you up, praying, weeping, wanting him back for yours and the kid's sake. praying that you get through today....
jolynn
Dear Lord,
Bless my friend as she goes through this day,
Please bring special beauty and gladness her way.
Thanks, Lord, for the gifts of true friendship we share,
For each smile, each tear, for the way that we both care.
And whether we're neighbors or far, far apart,
Keep us always together in thought and in heart.
You sent me that when I was having a bad day last year. I keep in on my fridge. Please know that I pray for you daily and I love you very much!
I get choked up every time I read your posts. I know we haven't known each other for long, but I do grieve for you and I hurt for you (and Lily & Wyatt). We missed you Sunday night.
my heart breaks for you. i can't imagine your pain, i'm glad you have wonderful people around you. Sometimes you just need those days to do nothing but cry and hurt.
hugs
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