Today is the Day!

In a few short hours, I will own a home! Let the fun begin...

I need to share...

How good God is!

I have been overwhelmed with a feeling of peace and contentment in my life. I am sure that it doesn't make sense to many people; it doesn't make sense to me. These feelings can only be from God -- He is so AMAZING!!!

He has blessed me with two wonderful children! He is allowing us to have a new home. He has surrounded me with wonderful friends and family. He finds surprising ways to bring a smile to my face.

I am excited about the future. I know that God will be walking with me, I know that He will not leave me. I know that He loves me.

I just needed to share that today...

A Sweet Letter

Laughing Boxes

One of the best things about having twins is the built-in playmate. Lily and Wyatt were having a great time playing together today and I was able to capture some of their laughter on camera. I LOVE THEM!!!!

The Silent Enemy

There is a silent enemy that often invades my days when I least expect it. It always takes me by surprise and it often brings tears and heartache. This silent enemy is loneliness.

For me, loneliness is the worst "side effect" of grief. It has stuck with me for the last 7 1/2 months while most other things have come and gone. Loneliness does not rule my days, just moments within the days.

Ironically, the times I feel most lonely are often the times that I am with other people. It hits me as I watch other couples interact with each other or when I see other dads with their children. I often choose to withdraw; to bury the hurt inside. People may think that I am being rude or that I am angry, but really I am just trying to survive the moment.

I am thankful that loneliness isn't always around, but when it is there and I wish it would go away.

Some Recent Pics

I haven't posted many pictures lately and to be honest I haven't taken nearly as many as usual. Here are some of my favorites over the last couple of weeks:

Lily with the rug for her new room. It is hard to tell, but there is some purple in the flowers and in the border to tie it in with her walls.

Wyatt's rug goes with the transportation theme already in his room. He LOVES it!

We love Baby Jessie!

Sledding! We tried sledding for the first time (this year) last night with all of the cousins. You can see the sheer joy on Lily's face and the sheer terror on Wyatt's...these pictures say it all.

My little man, so sweet (when he wants to be)!

One Month

One month from today (Feb. 21) the kids and I are planning to move into our new house -- yippee. Many of you have offered to help, but I am not very good at asking for help, so I thought that I would use the blog to list some of the different tasks that I need/would like done before we actually move into the house. We do get possession at close, which is supposed to be next week Friday. If you are interested in helping with any of the following tasks, please let me know... I would be extremely grateful!

• Insulation in the attic
• Exhaust fan installed in the bathroom
• Bracing the knee wall in the attic over the garage??? (my dad would be able to explain this better)
• Tighten the garbage disposal
• Taking out the old counter-top stove and in-wall oven and replacing them with a "regular" range...I am hoping to be able to change it over from electric to gas as well. The built in microwave will need to come out and a hood put in as well...
• Change our the faucet in the half bath
• Possibly changing out the counter in the main bath...it is currently BRIGHT yellow!
• Painting: Lily's room (purple); kitchen and dining room (green); living room/entry way/hallway upstairs (brown & beige); possibly some ceilings
• Cleaning at the new house
• Packing at the townhouse
• Moving on the 21st or help with moving during the week before (I have A LOT of stuff in my parents' basement)

There are a few things that will need to be taken care of on the exterior of the house once the weather warms ups as well:

• Replacing the service doors in the garage
• Painting the front door...it is currently pink -- yikes!
• Glazing the windows
• Fixing the posts in front of the house

I appreciate all of you so much! You continue to overwhelm me with your love for us. I appreciate every ones' willingness to help us turn our new house into a home!!!!

The Weekend

I think this might be one of the first times in my life that I am glad it is Monday. We had a long weekend with a lot of snow and two kiddos not feeling so well. I am happy to report that both kids slept all night last night and they are just beginning to stir at 8:20 am! :)

Here are two pictures that capture our weekend:

"I don't feel so good, Mommy"

Snow, snow, and more snow!

New House

These are the pictures that I took of the house today during the inspection. If everything works out, this will be our home on January 30!

Farewell

I know that many people are not pleased with the job that President Bush has done while in the White House. I must admit that I am not one of those people. I don't think that all of the problems we are facing as a nation can be blamed on this man. I believe that Pres. Bush made decisions for our nation that he thought were best. I believe that he made many of his decisions based on his personal convictions and his beliefs in God. I do not necessarily agree with all of his decisions, but I respect him for sticking to his beliefs and trying to do what is best for our nation.

As I listened to his farewell to the nation last night, I was filled with sadness. I was sad not just because he is leaving office, but because it signifies another farewell to a chapter in my life with Ryan.

President Bush was in his first year of presidency when Ryan and I first met (Sept. 11, 2001). He was president throughout our dating relationship, our engagement, and our marriage. We spent election night 2004 together, having an Election Party with our friends (including a LARGE map to color in red and blue states).

Ryan really respected Pres. Bush and his convictions; he didn't always agree with him, but he always respected him. He would take the time to explain to me all the in's and out's of the different political discussions. He was patient with me as I "ignored" important decisions being made in our country. I often wonder what Ryan would think of this new era in American history. I will miss his thoughts, opinions, and explanations in the upcoming weeks and years.

A Place to Call Our Own

On Monday, I decided that I was ready to make an offer on a house that I had gone through three different time. The first time we (the kids, my parents, and I) saw it, the owners were actually in the middle of moving out (their realtor thought that they were already gone..oops). I liked the house that first time, even in the midst of the chaos of their packing and moving. I saw the house again last week on two different occasions. Each time I walked into the house, it felt like home. I received the seal of approval from both my Dad and my brother-in-law (a builder), which only helped me to firm up my decision.

After praying about my decision for a few days, I decided that I would make an offer and see where it would go. The owners countered my offer, I countered their offer, and within 24 hours of my initial offer I found out that I will be owning a home on January 30, 2009.

The house is a multi-level home and it has a lot of character.

1st level: entry way, office/spare room, family room with a fireplace and a half bath.
2nd level (up 2 or 3 stairs): living room, dining area, and kitchen
3rd level (up 8 or 10 stairs from living room): master bedroom with walk through to bath, main bathroom, 2 additional bedrooms.
Basement: finished enough for the kids to have a nice playroom; utility area.

The house has tile floors in the entry, dining area, kitchen, and half bath. The upstairs bedrooms all have real hardwood floors. There is a 2 stall garage, a large fenced in backyard with a play set, and there is also an attic fan. It is on a cul-de-sac, so hopefully that will make it a quieter location (it has to be quieter than where we are now!). It is still only a few minutes away from my parents, so that is a huge plus as well!

The inspection is set up for Friday afternoon. I will try and get some "before" pictures up sometime this weekend and then of course I will take some "after" pictures once I have done all the decorating changes that I want to do.

I feel a great peace about this house and I am looking forward to making it into a home with Lily and Wyatt. Everything is falling into place...God is so good!

Welcome to the World, Jessie Marie!

Jessie Marie

8 lb.

21 1/2"

January 11, 2009

11:51 pm

The whole family:

Jessie, Jack (6), April, Charlie (almost 3), Steve, and Casey (4)

The girls: Casey and Jessie

Biggest Brother, Jack and Littlest Sister, Jessie

Charlie wasn't interested in having his picture taken....

After Baths....

Here are two videos of Lily and Wyatt after their baths tonight...

W-Y-A-T-T, L-I-L-Y and a HOUSE

Wyatt and Lily have been learning their letters for quite awhile, but they have started learning to spell their names, sometimes by sight and sometimes from memory. Here are two videos of them displaying their skills.

W-Y-A-T-T

L-I-L-Y

__________________________________________

We are getting nearer to finding a house to call our home. I have been busy searching the Internet and visiting many different houses in the area. There is one in particular that I am fond of, but I will be seeing 3 more tomorrow before I make any final decisions.

I would really appreciate your prayers for this decision. It is a huge decision to make and it really makes me feel the burden of being a single parent. This house needs to be a place where my children will feel safe and be able to grow. This house needs to be a place where we can continue to grow as a family.

Waiting On God's Timing

Lord God, as David declared, may I be certain of seeing Your goodness come to pass in my current situation, whether in triumph and victory or in loss and turmoil, as I experience Your mighty supply of grace and power sustaining me. Because of Your Spirit's life at work in my, I will wait for You, Lord, courageous and with a strong heart. Yes, Lord, I will wait on You. (Ps. 27:13-14)

From "David: 90 Days with a Heart like His" by Beth Moore

This was the prayer at the end of my Bible study this morning. I thought that it was perfect for this time in my life. I also know there are some of you who read this blog are struggling with difficult things right now, so I wanted to share it with you as well.

Sweet Innocence

I wanted to share a moment of my daughter's sweet innocence tonight.

She has come down with a cold: her nose is stuffy, she is sneezing a lot and needing her nose wiped often. I propped up her pillow and told her it would help her feel better.

She looked up from her place on her pillows and saw Ryan's picture. She gasped and said, "Daddy. I no feel so good Daddy."

I love that she still talks to her Daddy.

7 Months of God's Grace

Today marks the 7 month anniversary of Ryan's death. It still seems like yesterday and 10 years ago all at the same time. I can honestly say that I have been held up by the grace of God for the last 7 months. He is good and He is faithful!

I am not the same person today that I was 7 months ago. I will never be that person again and I am happy about that. God has used this experience, this fire, to refine who I am. God has drawn me closer to him than I have ever been before. I have desire in my heart to be more like Christ each day.

Today I started memorizing Proverbs 31:10-31, the description of a worthy woman. It describes what it means to be a wife and a mother from a godly perspective. I am memorizing these verses about 6 years "too late", but I know that it is good to store God's word in my heart. I know that it is good for me to recognize God's standards for my life. It is my desire to be a woman who honors God and who teaches her children to do the same.

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If anyone is interested in memorizing it along with me, I will post it below along with the schedule I have set up for myself to learn it. (I got this idea from Angie at Bring The Rain , where she encouraged her readers to memorize Psalm 139 back in December.)

Description of a Worthy Woman
Proverbs 31: 10-31 NASB

10 An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. 11 The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain.

12 She does him good and not evil all the days of her life. 13 She looks for wool and flax, and works with her hands in delight.

14 She is like merchant ships; she brings her food from afar. 15 She rises while it is still night, and gives food to her household, and portions to her maidens.

16 She considers a field and buys it; from her earnings she plants a vineyard. 17 She girds herself with strength, and makes her arms strong.

18 She senses that her gain is good; her lamp does not go out at night. 19 She stretches out her hands to the distaff, and her hands grasp the spindle.

20 She extends her hand to the poor; and she stretches out her hands to the needy. 21 She is not afraid of the snow for her household, for all her household are clothed with scarlet.

22 She makes coverings for herself; her clothing is fine linen and purple. 23 Her husband is known in the gates, when he sits among the elders of the land.

24 She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies belts to the tradesmen. 25 Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she smiles at the future.

26 She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. 27 She looks well to the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness.

28 Her children rise up and bless her; her husband also, and he praises her saying: 29 “Many daughters have done nobly, but you excel them all.”

30 Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised. 31 Give her the product of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates.

Key Note (from my bible): This is an anonymous appendix to the book of Proverbs, extolling the honor and dignity of women and the importance of the mother in the home. She is completely trusted by her husband and becomes a source of honor not only to him, but to the whole family. The secret to her dignity and the place of honor which she has attained in that she “fears the Lord” (vs. 30)

Day 1: Verses 10-11
Day 2: Verses 12-13
Day 3: Review and Catch-Up
Day 4: Verses 14-15
Day 5: Verses 16-17
Day 6: Review and Catch-Up
Day 7: Verses 18-19
Day 8: Verses 20-21
Day 9: Review and Catch-Up
Day 10: Verses 22-23
Day 11: Verses 24-25
Day 12: Review and Catch-Up
Day 13: Verses 26-27
Day 14: Verses 28-29
Day 15: Verses 30-31
Day 16: Review and Catch-Up

Perspective

It is approaching 7 months since Ryan died, there are times I still wonder why: Why did God take Ryan to heaven rather than giving him "new" lungs here? Why did we have to say good-bye to someone we love some much? Why did he choose for Lily and Wyatt to grow up without their Daddy?

I am studying the life of David in my personal devotions. Right now I am looking at his "back story", what lead him to become the king of Israel. As Samuel neared the end of his life, the people of Israel wanted him to anoint a king, an earthly king. Samuel knew this was not what God had intended; God was to be their king. But, the people had rejected God, they had rejected his plans, his will. Samuel tried to talk the Israelites out of their desire for a king by warning them about what they would be getting with a king: taxes, loss of freedom, their sons and daughters living in virtual slavery.

This is what ties together my questions of why and the people of Israel:

Often when God does not readily give us what we want, it is because He knows what our desires would cost us. Faith sometimes means forgoing our desires because we trust Christ to have a better plan for our lives. (David: 90 Days with a Heart Like His, by Beth Moore)

I need to remind myself that God knows best, He always has and He always will. Ryan getting "new" lungs was not the right thing. I sometimes forget the conversation I had with Dr. Ojo a few days after Ryan died. She was telling me about his organs that we donated and what his Cystic Fibrosis had done to his body. I won't get into all the details, but a lung transplant would probably not have been successful for Ryan. I believe that God allowed me some peace and comfort in the way that Ryan died. I (along with his family who loved him) was able to be by his side as he entered into heaven, rather than hearing devastating news from the operating room.

For myself, I would still choose for Ryan to be here with me. But I would NEVER choose for Ryan to give up heaven or for him to continue suffering here on earth. I know that God knows best and I know that He loves me and He loves Ryan....

I will leave you with the prayer at the end of today's lesson:

Lord God, help me to see that times of difficulty or decision in my life are meant, by your sovereign love and mercy, not to pressure me into impatience but rather to grow in me patience and endurance. This in turn produces experience and proven character, which ultimately grows into a hope that does not disappoint, because Your love is being poured out in my heart through the Holy Spirit You have given me. (Rom 5:3-5)

A New Year

2009

It is New Year's Day and I am filled with uncertainty. One year ago, I had no idea that this is what my life would look like today. I look back at 2008 and I see blessings and great sadness mixed together. I see the worst year of my life, but I also see God's faithfulness -- without Him, I would not be in the place I am today.

I miss Ryan tremendously as I look to begin a new year. I miss the dreams that we had together. I miss what might have been. I wish that he was here with me to help me make some of the big decisions I will be facing in this year. I wish that he was here to see the meet another niece or nephew in a few weeks; to celebrate his 28th birthday; to see Lily and Wyatt turn 3; to celebrate our 6th wedding anniversary; to see his sister get married.

I know that God will continue to be faithful throughout this year. I know that He will walk beside me as I make decisions, celebrate new blessings, and face new trials. I am thankful for a God who loves me and who has not left me yet.

A New Year Survey

1. What did you do in 2008 that you had never done before? Many things...
2. Did you keep your previous New Year's resolutions, and will you make new ones for next year? Yes, I kept my resolution from last year; I am resolve to persevere.
3. Did anyone you know give birth? Yes
4. Did anyone close to you die? YES!
5. What countries did you visit? None
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? A new house.
7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? June 6, 2008...Ryan's heaven day.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Surviving.
9. Did you suffer from illness or injury? Yes, just not my own...
10. What was the best thing you bought? My new car!
11. Did your behavior change over the year? Yes, and I think for the better
12. Where did most of your money go? Lily and Wyatt
13. What did you get really excited about? ...

Compared to this time last year, are you:
1. Richer or poorer? Richer
2. Did you fall in love? No
3. What was your favorite TV program? Biggest Loser
4. What was the best book you read? ...
5. What was your favorite film of the year? I did not watch any movies for the first time this year.
6. Thinner or fatter? Thinner - woohoo!
7. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I went to Chicago with friends, went to lunch with friends, and went to dinner with the kids and my parents...30.
8. What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Lily and Wyatt
9. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? Jeans, hoodies, sweaters.
10. What kept you sane? God's faithfulness.
11. What political issue stirred you the most? The presidential election.
12. Who was the best new person you met? I have met too many wonderful people this year to pick just one: U of M staff and GriefShare friends top the list.
13. What is a valuable lesson you learned in 2008? Life is too short!