Afternoon Blessings

I have enjoyed an afternoon of blessings:

• I received a phone call from a friend I have not talked to in way too long!
• I spent some time curled up with a good book and a cozy blanket.
• I read books with two sweet little toddlers squished up next to me.
• I received a bouquet of gerbera daisies from that same very sweet friend (THANK YOU!).
• I watched my adorable twins sit side by side reading their "potty" books.

Thank you, God for the little things today!

A New Hope

God continues to amaze me with how he sustains me each day. Yesterday was a good day. There were still moments of sadness, moments of missing Ryan, but overall it was a good day.

Mondays are the days that I attend GriefShare and I must admit I was planning on throwing in the towel after last night. It was recommended to me that I give it at least 3 weeks, so I told myself that I would. That friend was right. Last night (3rd week) was good. Not necessarily because I had any breakthrough moments during the session, but because I have made a connection. There is another woman there who also has kids at home, school-aged but still a similar situation. We talked for a long time last night and I walked away feeling more HOPE than I have in awhile.

I have always had HOPE in God. I know that this life is temporary and that I will see Ryan again. I have HOPE in the fact that this earth is not my home and I will one day have eternal life in heaven. This woman gave me hope about my earthly life...it does get easier.

Thank you, God for a new friend!

Potty Training

This says it all about our potty training....

Undies on the arms, we have a long way to go! :)

Pumpkin Patch Fun

On Saturday, Grammy (Ryan's mom) and Nana-Great (Ryan's grandma) came for a weekend visit. We headed out to the Post Family Farms for a day of pumpkin fun. Lily and Wyatt were both a little hesitant about the goats and horses, but they enjoyed most of the other activities.

Lily jumped right in with a ride on the Pumpkin Train. She loved the ride even thought is was really bumpy. Wyatt laughed the whole time watching her, but did not want to ride. After the pumpkin train, Grammy, Lily, Wyatt and I headed out on a hayride to pick some pumpkins. Again, Wyatt didn't like it at first, but he was sad when we were all done.

When we got back from our hayride, we ate lunch, painted some pumpkins and then headed back to the Pumpkin Train. This time Wyatt decided to give it a try and he cried when it was time to get off. We all had a great time!



We enjoyed our whole weekend visit with Grammy and Nana-Great! Thanks for coming to see us!

**This is the second post of the day -- check the next post down if you are a Cubs Fan!

Someday We'll Go All The Way

it's just not the same

It is premier week on television. For the last 6 years, this has been an important week in our house. Ryan was a huge t.v./movie guy, so we always enjoyed when the new seasons began, plus it was something that we could do together without him losing energy. It is just not the same for me this year.

Survivor is on right now and while it is playing in the background, I am not watching it. It is hard to watch without his running commentary on the different players. Prison Break was on Monday night. That is a show that Ryan really enjoyed and I would usually watch with him ... no interest now. Football on Sundays -- doesn't happen anymore. Most nights the t.v. isn't even on (except Tuesdays, Biggest Loser was the show that I made him watch). I know it isn't a bad thing that I am not enjoying television as much, but it is just another area that makes me miss Ryan (a.k.a. t.v. companion).

a name etched in stone

Ryan's headstone came in today. I have been both anticipating and dreading today. I have wondered if it would make things feel more real. I was not as emotional as I thought that I might be but it did take my breath away to see his name etched in the stone.

I miss him so much it hurts.

So sweet ... the innocent and unconditional love of a child

a BIG weekend

We had a BIG weekend this weekend.

Papa Steve came up to see us again, so that always means an adventure filled day. We started out with a trip the apple orchard and where we saw a BIG apple. We also enjoyed warm cinnamon-sugar donuts and fresh apple cider. I bought some apples to make homemade applesauce. We also saw the really BIG horses that they use for hay rides.

During nap time, Papa Steve stayed home with Lily and Wyatt (who never actually slept) while I went out with my parents to pick up their BIG kid beds. I thought that I had my mind all made up, but of course I didn't. We ended up going to a few different stores, but I got them a bunk bed (separated into 2 twins).

While their "2 Papas" (what they call them when they are in the same room) were putting the BIG kid beds together, Nana and I gave the kids their baths. Before getting into the tub, Lily went potty on the BIG potty for the first time EVER -- yippee!!!

Lily and Wyatt watched their "2 Papas" finish putting the BIG kid beds together before heading to bed late (a bad combination with no naps). They did great last night in bed. They didn't get out once and they waited until I walked in this morning before getting out.

Naps today are not fairing so well. I have had to go upstairs a couple of times. One time they were both out of bed, the light was on and they had pulled out their choo-choo and were playing with it together. They are now just being loud and crazy...grr... I know it will take time, but BIG kid beds and potty-training are two tasks that frighten me as a mom :)

Soccer Ball and Daddy

I got a new sheet for Wyatt's bed at a garage sale yesterday. There are all different sports balls on it, but he will only tell you about the "soccer ball". It came as part of a set -- there is a top sheet that is fitted at one end. He and Lily think that the top sheet is the world best invention. They like to get in his bed together and "hide". They just giggle way, too cute. It doesn't go so well sleeping with the top sheet, but for now it is a fun thing (although it might mean I am in trouble when it comes to big kid beds -- which we started looking at today).

Here are some pictures from this morning of the soccer ball sheets and hiding!

Here are two pictures of Lily and Wyatt from a moment this morning that just melted my heart. We have a picture of Ryan reading Lily and Wyatt their Bible at the top of the stairs. They often say "hi" to Daddy as they go past this picture, but today Wyatt came out of his room and sat down on the stairs so he could just see Daddy (and the fire truck shirt he (Wyatt) was wearing in the picture).

Grief

I am trying to figure out my grief. It is hard, I don't understand it -- there is just a deep sadness in me all of the time. Tears are always near the surface.

I started going to GriefShare earlier this week. It is a Christian based grief group. All of the people in the group are older than me (15+ yrs). Many of them have lost spouses, so it is nice to have someone relate to me in that way. At the same time, it is hard because none of them have young children. I feel like I am in a "weird" place. Please keep praying.

I recently received a card from a dear friend with the following passage in it. It comes from a devotional by Ann Spangle. It was exactly what I needed to hear, so I will share it with you -- I am sure it applies to more than just me.

"Lord, I praise You for You know the whole story. From beginning to end, You see it all. Give me the humility to admit my limitations. For I don't always see the past accurately, my vision of the present is often blurred, and I am blind when it come to the future. Help my fasten my eyes on You, trusting in Your vision for my life and in Your watchful care."

blurb.com

I just found out about a new website: www.blurb.com. Many of you may have no interest in it, but it allows you to take your blog and make it into a book. I know my mom was thinking of creating one for me and the kids from our time at U of M. I am going to have to look more into it later, but I briefly checked out the site and it looks intriguing.

Photos and Digital Scrapbooking

I have recently stumbled onto two different websites: one to enhance photos, one to do digital scrapbooking. I must admit that I have used either of them very little, but I thought I would share my new found knowledge with all of you.

Photo Enhancement: www.picnik.com

Free Digital Scrapbooking: www.freedigitalscrapbooking.com

If you have used either of these websites, I would love to hear your comments!

A Crazy, Busy Day

Yesterday was a crazy, busy day. We did a lot of running around in the morning and I had a meeting with people at 5/3rd in the afternoon. When I got home from my meeting, Lily, Wyatt, and I headed out to meet Val (a.k.a. Auntie Val) for dinner. It was a lot of fun (although the hour long car ride wasn't too fun), but it is much harder to catch up when you have to keep two year olds entertained. After dinner, we went to a Steve and Barry's Store that is going out of business, so there was a lot of empty space for the kids to run which they enjoyed!

Lily's Messy Face after lunch yesterday

Lily and Auntie at dinner

Wyatt and Lily playing at Steve and Barry's

Wyatt, Me, Lily, and Auntie Val

A Day to Remember...

Today is September 11, 2008. President Bush has declared today Patriot Day. Seven years ago our world changed. Please remember those who lost their lives on this date. Please remember those who have fought to keep our country safe from more terror attacks.

There is one other thing I remember about September 11, 2001. It is much less significant in the eyes of the world, but I guess you could say that it also changed my life.

I met Ryan for the first time that day. I was a first year teacher, fresh from college. It was only my 6th day teaching. I had no idea what to think about the terror attacks of that day, and I was unable to answer my students' questions about the World Trade Centers.

I worked with Ryan's mom and Ryan came to visit her because he wanted to be near family that day. The P.E. teacher, Mr. Funkhouser, ask Ryan if he would go answer student questions in the new teacher's classroom. Ryan told me that he had it all planned out what he was going to say to the students, but then forgot once he got into my room and saw me for the first time (evidently it was love at first sight for him :) ). To be honest, I don't "really" remember Ryan from that day, I was a little overwhelmed. I do remember him leaving the room and the students asking me, "what did he just say?" My response was somewhere along the lines of, "I have no clue!"

I did not know about Ryan's "instant love," but 5 months later we did go on our first date. :)

This story was one that has always made both of us smile. It makes me smile today.

Baseball Thoughts

Okay, this a somewhat random post, but I have been thinking about writing it for a few days. I love the Chicago Cubs. I have been a fan since college. I am not a fair weather fan, you can't be with the Cubs because their weather isn't usually fair.

That being said, they are frustrating me. They had a great record going into September (well over .500) and they actually won last night, after losing 7 out of 8 games. GRRR... I am hoping that they can continue on and not throw away their chance at the post-season.

(I guess Ryan has decided helping the Chicago Bears win football is more important than helping the Cubs get to the World Series! :) )

Daunting Task

I am very excited about the new opportunity I have to serve at our church. For those of you who know me, you know I have a bit of an organizational/administrative side. :) I love to make sure things are organized in the best way possible so that every thing has a place and is in it.

I recently asked our pastor is there were any administrative jobs at the church that I might be able to do from home, but still use my administrative gifts. He passed my name along to one of the other pastors and, wow, did he ever come up with a job for me!

I am currently in charge of scheduling for KidZone, PreZone and TotZone, the three children's ministries at our church (2 year olds -5th grade). I believe, although I haven't actually counted, that there are roughly 35 - 40 spots that need to be filled on a weekly basis -- yikes.

I am excited for this opportunity to use my skills for God's kingdom, but a little overwhelmed too. Please pray that I am able to do this job and do it well. I am sure that as I get in the groove of things it will become less daunting and more therapeutic -- that is the hope anyway! :)

I Believe...

I believe - That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
I believe - That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I believe - That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I believe - That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I believe - That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I believe - That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I believe - That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I believe - That you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I believe - That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I believe - That either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I believe - That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I believe - That money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I believe - That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.
I believe - That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I believe - That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
I believe - That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I believe - That no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I believe - That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I believe - That two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I believe - That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
I believe - That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
I believe - That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I believe - That the people you care about most in life are taken from You too soon.

**I received this in an email this morning, I can't take credit for it, but I agree with many of the statements.

New Favorite Pictures

Wyatt and Lily in the triangle tunnel of mirrors at the Children's Museum

Story time with Papa Steve

Reading together (I was getting dinner ready and I looked over to the couch...they were reading together -- so cute.)

Thoughts from Sunday

Yesterday was overall a good day, but the last few hours of it held a few rough patches for me. I want to share a few things that may or may not make sense, but I want to write them down before I forget.

The kids got up later than usual from their naps. They were still a little crabby, so we went into my room and read some books on my bed. We were trying to decide what to have for dinner (a difficult task with 2 year olds) and I got really sad. I started remembering Sundays when Ryan was alive. We never knew what to eat at night on Sundays, because we would have a big meal for lunch....it made me sad that we wouldn't try to figure it out by ourselves anymore.

Then I started remembering Sundays at U of M. The cafeteria was closed by 3 pm on Sundays, so Ryan and I would usually decide where we wanted to eat from and I would head out to get us some dinner....

I just started crying at that point. Wyatt started rubbing my back and telling me to stop (which is made cuter by the fact that every time he tells me to stop doing something he also holds his hand up in my face). I said to him, "I am sorry, I just miss Daddy right now." To which he responded, "too" (me too) and climbed up in my lap and gave me a kiss.

Later on after a nice walk on the trails at a local park, I decided I wanted to go to the cemetery. We have not been there in weeks because the road is all torn up. I told the kids we were going to the place where with "think about Daddy" translated by them as "Daddy Place". Wyatt gets out of the car, walks up to the flowers we have there for Ryan, bends down so his face is in them and says "Hi, Daddy!" When I told them it was time to leave, Wyatt starts crying and saying "me, see Daddy; me, see Daddy". Of course I started crying again. I picked up my little boy and hugged him. I told him I was sorry and that I wanted to see Daddy too. I told him it wasn't fair, but reminded him that Daddy is happy and healthy in heaven.

Oh, how it breaks my heart that I have to tell my kids these things. I wish they could see their Daddy again; I wish I could see their Daddy again.

tag...

5 Things on my list to do today:
1. take the kids for a walk after dinner.
2. devos
3. talk to Val
4. go to bed early
5. not much on the list today...

5 Snacks I enjoy:
1. air-popped popcorn
2. chips and salsa
3. garlic-ranch pretzels
4. fresh fruit
5. most things chocolate

5 Things I would do if I was a sudden Billionaire:
1. help family and friends pay off debt
2. give money to the transplant fund at U of M to help other families
3. pay my parents back for college and wedding
4. give to charities
5. buy a house

5 Bad Habits:
1. wasting away my time on the computer
2. complaining
3. procrastinating on house work
4. getting frustrated by little things that don't matter
5. getting caught up in gossip

5 Places I have lived:
1. Grandville, MI
2. Jenison, MI
3. Palos Heights, IL
4. W. Dundee, IL
5. Lake In The Hills, IL

5 jobs I have had:
1. sales clerk at Lori's Hallmark
2. summer help at Steelcase
3. babysitter
4. teacher
5. mom and wife

5 things most people don't know about me:
1. I went to college in Clearwater, FL for one semester.
2. I tried out for cheerleading as a freshman in high school
3. I love math -- taught it for 5 years
4. I am much more of a morning person, than a night owl
5. I "played" basketball in 7th grade (warmed the bench, really)

IF YOU ARE READING THIS, YOU ARE TAGGED AND IT IS YOUR TURN!! I WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT YOU!