Yesterday was overall a good day, but the last few hours of it held a few rough patches for me. I want to share a few things that may or may not make sense, but I want to write them down before I forget.
The kids got up later than usual from their naps. They were still a little crabby, so we went into my room and read some books on my bed. We were trying to decide what to have for dinner (a difficult task with 2 year olds) and I got really sad. I started remembering Sundays when Ryan was alive. We never knew what to eat at night on Sundays, because we would have a big meal for lunch....it made me sad that we wouldn't try to figure it out by ourselves anymore.
Then I started remembering Sundays at U of M. The cafeteria was closed by 3 pm on Sundays, so Ryan and I would usually decide where we wanted to eat from and I would head out to get us some dinner....
I just started crying at that point. Wyatt started rubbing my back and telling me to stop (which is made cuter by the fact that every time he tells me to stop doing something he also holds his hand up in my face). I said to him, "I am sorry, I just miss Daddy right now." To which he responded, "too" (me too) and climbed up in my lap and gave me a kiss.
Later on after a nice walk on the trails at a local park, I decided I wanted to go to the cemetery. We have not been there in weeks because the road is all torn up. I told the kids we were going to the place where with "think about Daddy" translated by them as "Daddy Place". Wyatt gets out of the car, walks up to the flowers we have there for Ryan, bends down so his face is in them and says "Hi, Daddy!" When I told them it was time to leave, Wyatt starts crying and saying "me, see Daddy; me, see Daddy". Of course I started crying again. I picked up my little boy and hugged him. I told him I was sorry and that I wanted to see Daddy too. I told him it wasn't fair, but reminded him that Daddy is happy and healthy in heaven.
Oh, how it breaks my heart that I have to tell my kids these things. I wish they could see their Daddy again; I wish I could see their Daddy again.
6 comments:
I know that words don't bring comfort. But God does and I will continue to pray for you, Wyatt and Lily.
i am crying with you again my friend...praying for you lots today
I can't imagine what it's like for a two year old to experience this (or for you) or to try to explain it to a two year old. Rest in Him today (Matt. 11:28-30).
How your post brings back memories of my journey with Betsy after Bob died. Please know that you are doing a wonderful job with your children, Kristin. I know this is unbearably hard for all three of you but you are including them in YOUR grief and that is helping give them words for THEIR grief. It is a slow and tearful process. I am continuing to pray for you as this journey continues. You never walk alone...
oh i can't even imagine your pain, I have 2 year old twins and have no idea how I would deal with trying to tell them they can't see their daddy anymore. I'm glad you have a lot of good support around you.
sending lots of love to your family.
I pray for you every day. God will give you his strength. I'm glad that you have two parts of Ryan left with you each day.
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