Fun with Auntie!

The last few days we have been busy having fun. Auntie Amanda (Ryan's sister) came up to stay with us for a few days.

We had a tremendous amount of fun playing at a park...

having adventures in Target...

exploring at the children's museum...

and just being silly outside...

Thanks Auntie for coming over to play! We love you!

Love of Spring!

I LOVE spring ... it is one of my favorite seasons (along with fall).

I love the walks I take around my house, discovering the different life growing out there (thankfully, I didn't have to plant it and hopefully it will take care of itself)!

I love the warm days when the kids are able to play outside for hours.

I love my fenced in backyard that is basically our own personal park.

I love the new loader that Aunt Sandy found for us on a garage sale...Wyatt is in his glory!

I love the laughter of my children.

I love the pictures that they take.

Reality

Reality is...
...being a widow
...being a single parent
...loneliness
That is my reality.

What will I do with it? How will it change me? Will I grow and learn from my reality or will I sit here and whine and feel sorry for myself?

God must have heard my cries of loneliness yesterday and decided to make Himself be heard in my life today. Two different times today, God has told me that He is here. That He is taking care of me. That I need to let go of my expectations for my life and allow Him to work in me.

As I was doing my bible study this morning, I read the following words from Beth Moore in John: 90 Days with the Beloved Disciple (pp.67 & 68):

"If He (Christ) gives us a task or assigns us to a difficult season, every ounce of our experience is meant for our instruction and completion if only we'll let Him finish the work....I truly believe that if we're willing to see, God uses every difficulty and every assignment to confide deep things to us, and that the lessons are not complete until their beauty has been revealed. I fear, however, that we have such attention deficit that we settle for bearable when beauty was just around the corner."

WOW! Okay, God, I am listening. I know you are teaching me, now please help me learn.

I then headed to church. I love my church. I love the people. I love the music. I love the teaching. Over the last year, I have felt that God has used every message to speak to me and today was no different. The sermon title was "The Great Wall of Reality." Our pastor started off by saying: "your present reality can be used to accomplish God's ultimate purpose." He went on to talk about King David and the struggles he faced before actually reaching the throne. How God used the circumstances of his life to make him a better king. How we need to take the realities of our lives and allow God to grow us through them.

It is hard for me to see right now how God will use my reality for His purpose, but I need to sit back and let God work. I need to trust and believe that God will do what He says He will do. I have no reason to doubt Him. He has been abundantly faithful over the last year, blessing me and sustaining me with this grace and love and strength!

I can tell you that I consider my reality a difficult season in my life. Am I letting it shape me and mold me? Am I waiting and learning? Will I settle for bearable or will I press on and find the beauty that God has just around the corner?

I have been absent from the blog because I really don't have much to say. There are things that go through my mind on a daily basis regarding our journey, but most of those things I don't know how to put down into words. I hate to always be negative or depressing, so sometimes it is easier not to share...

There is a constant battle of loneliness raging in my heart and in my mind. I hate walking this path by myself. Yes, I know that I have a lot of friends and family who care about me. Yes, I know that I have a God who loves me immeasurably. Yes, I know that I have two beautiful children who make me laugh (and sometimes cry) on a daily basis. But that does not change the fact that life is lonely. It does not change the fact that Ryan does not walk through the door each night after work. It does not change the fact that the one person who could get Wyatt to smile during a bath is never going to help with baths again. It does not change the fact that being a single mom is one of the hardest tasks I have ever faced. It does not change the fact that each night I lay in bed and my husband does not lay next to me.

I keep hoping that when I wake up each morning it will get a little easier. Some days are easier; some days are not. Seven weeks from today we will be at the anniversary of Ryan's death. I keep thinking that maybe things will be different after that. All of the firsts will be done. I will have survived the first year. But, in reality, life will continue on without Ryan just as it has done for the past year. I will still face loneliness. I will still face the struggles of being a single mom.

But, I will still make it through each day with God's strength, grace and love.

Gotta Love a Giveaway!

Do you remember Maggie Moo's Mom~Alison Harris who made these adorable shirts for Lily and Wyatt?

Well she is doing a giveaway for spring...Who’s Ready for a Spring Giveaway!!!?!! She has started creating these fabulous new keyfob/keychains. Go check it out!

Hope in Easter

Today is Easter Sunday. A day to celebrate the HOPE that we have in Jesus and his victory over death! There is so much more on my heart that I wish I could put into words. I don't know how. Rejoice in the gift you have been given today!

Pictures to Make You Smile! :)

Wyatt wants to be a ballerina princess too!

Lily....3 going on 16!

Birthday Pictures!

Here are the pictures from Lily and Wyatt's many different birthday celebrations.

attitude adjustment

I have been in need of an attitude adjustment for the past month. I have been in a pit of feeling sorry for myself. I have focused on all the things that I don’t have in this life, rather than on the gifts that God has given to me. I have focused on my loneliness and the great ache in my heart, rather than on the joy and laughter of my children and the comfort of my family and friends.

Today is a new day. Today is the day that I am going to choose to change my attitude. I am going to look for the beauty in the ashes. I am going to focus on the blessings that God has given to me. I am going to rejoice in the fact that I have a God who loves me and who has given me hope for my future. I am going to enjoy the life that God has given me TODAY and not dwell in the past or focus on the future. Today is the day that I will remind myself that Jesus is MORE than enough for me!

It has been 10 months today since Ryan died. I will continue to press on. I will continue to rest in the hands of my heavenly Father. I will continue to see the blessings that God has given to me. That is what I need to do; that is what Ryan would want me to do.

If you need some encouragement, head over to Bring The Rain and listen to the song Unredeemed. It is Selah's new song (not released yet and only available on Angie's site for a few days), that speaks about God's work in redeeming the desperate and difficult situations in our lives...God is so GOOD, so LOVING and so FAITHFUL!!!

Happy 3rd Birthday, Lily Grace and Wyatt Ryan!

Happy Birthday, Lily and Wyatt!

It is so hard for Mommy to believe that you have been in this world for 3 years! You make me smile each and every day. You are best friends and you watch out for one another. You love to laugh and play together. You both love to be outside and read books. You both miss your Daddy. You know that you must love and obey Jesus to get to heaven someday.

Lily Grace:
You favorite colors are pink and purple.
You love to eat most fruits and vegetables and will try almost anything that mommy puts on your plate.
You are a "girly-girl" who loves pretty dresses and new shoes.
You are a great mommy to your babies, but you love to play cars with Wyatt.
You enjoy coloring, stickers, markers, and painting.
You are independent, but you also love to cuddle.
You almost always have a smile on your face.
You are so excited to meet the Princesses!
I love you my little princess!

Wyatt Ryan:
Your favorite colors are blue, green and orange.
You love Lightning McQueen and Mater.
You love to play with cars, trucks, and trains.
You are timid and shy...Mommy's Little Boy!
You are very protective of "your" Lily.
You do not like new things, but almost always enjoy them once you try.
You are a more picky eater, but you enjoy PB & J and most kinds of fruit.
You are very loving and will always say "I Love You" to Mommy and Lily.
You HATE being in water, including the bath tub.
I love you my little man!

*Remember to turn the music off on the blog.

My Sweet Baby

Lily is still not herself. She fought against a stomach bug all day yesterday and went to bed before 7:00 last night. She slept for more than 14 hours straight! She woke up asking for milk which of course I could not give to her. She has eaten a little, and thankfully, she has kept it down, but she is still so lethargic. I don't think she has slept this much since she was 3 months old! Here are couple pictures of how I have found my baby girl each time I have checked on her in the family room (where she has laid in front of the television for the last two days!).

Catching Up Again

We have had a busy few weeks and I thought that I would update with pictures.

Two weekends ago, we had visitors from Illinois. My good friend, Kandy, her husband, John, and their son, Jackson, came up to see us for a few days. Here is a picture of Lily and Jackson playing together in the basement. We really enjoyed seeing them!

This past weekend we had a visit from my good friend, Val. It was great to see her (and her engagement ring). It was great to have some girl time too! Lily and Wyatt always love having a visit from Auntie Val...especially when she spoils them for their birthday!

Sunday morning, we lost power at the house. We enjoyed our breakfast by candle light!

Lily and Wyatt are turning 3 on Friday, but they have already celebrated twice. Erin (our favorite babysitter!) came over yesterday to give me some time away and to celebrate with Lily and Wyatt. She is such a gift from God!!!!

Unfortunately, birthday week has been interrupted by a visit from a stomach bug. So far it has only hit Lily and I, but it is definitely having a big effect. This is a picture of Lily sleeping on the family room floor at 10 am this morning after being up for only 2 hours. Hopefully some good sleep with help her to feel better quickly!

In case you missed it, check out the post below to see some cute pictures of Lily and Wyatt taken for their birthday!

Captured Moments

Recently I brought the kids to have their pictures taken for their 3rd birthday. I decided to have them taken by an elementary school friend who found me on Facebook and does photography out of her home.

If you know Wyatt at all, you know that he HATES having his picture taken (he refused to even go into the room to have his 2 year pictures taken last summer). I was a little worried that the session would not go well, but Katie was GREAT! She put both of the kids at ease and did a wonderful job capturing some sweet moments. I am going to have a really hard time choosing which pictures to order!

Click on the link below to see some of the pictures. Enjoy!
http://katiedeboer.smugmug.com/gallery/7769570_AhJVG

My heart just aches. The loneliness that I have been battling for the past 9 1/2 months is overwhelming me. It makes it hard to breath. I cry. I pray. I hug my children. I cry some more. I wonder when this pain, this constant ache will cease...

God is ABLE

"If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." Daniel 3:17-18

The verses above were sent to me today to encourage me. I relay them here to encourage you.

God was ABLE to heal Ryan.

God DID heal Ryan.

God's plan for Ryan's life was different than my plan for Ryan's life.

God's healing for Ryan was not what I, or any of you, wanted. I wanted Ryan to be healed here on this earth. I wanted to receive a phone call telling us that Ryan's new lungs were waiting. I wanted Ryan to come home from the hospital and I wanted our new lives to begin.

God said that is not my plan. God said that it was Ryan's turn to come "home". God is still using Ryan today, but it is through his death and the impact of his life had on so many.

Just as Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego trusted in God's plan for their lives, I too trust in God's plan for my life. I don't know where he is taking me. I don't know what he has in store for me. But I do know this: GOD IS GOOD, GOD LOVES ME, GOD IS FAITHFUL, GOD WILL USE ME IF I LET HIM.

I will not turn from Him even though I may not fully understand His ways this side of heaven.

Sunshine Through the Clouds

Today there are clouds.

Today my mind has flashed back to a year ago. Sitting at Ryan's bedside. Crying. Praying that a bed would become available at U of M, so he could be transferred there and receive the best care possible.

Today in the car, Lily said "yesterday, I saw Daddy sleeping at my church." In reality her yesterday was 9 1/2 months ago at Ryan's visitation. I had to remind her that Daddy is in heaven now. Wyatt's response to this conversation: "I want Daddy to hold me in heaven."

Today I had to remind my children that we have to wait until Jesus tells us it is our turn to go to heaven.

Today there is sunshine through the clouds.

Today I found out that our property taxes have been reduced to match the purchase price of our house -- I was told they could be reduced, but not to expect it to be by that much. Praise God for another blessing!

Today my children told me they loved me.

Today my children made me laugh.

Today my children's laughter filled my house.

Today my children were excited to see the big bunny in the mall!

Today God's love surrounds me and his grace sustains me!

Heart Ache

Today my heart aches. Today marks one year since Ryan has lived in the same house as Lily, Wyatt and me. Wyatt was up in the middle of the night last night and when I got back into bed, I looked at the clock to realize it was about the same time a year ago that Ryan told me I needed to call an ambulance, that he was really struggling to breath (one day early, but both occurred on a Sunday morning).

I tried to convince myself to just fall back to sleep but the memories of what followed that awful night would not shut off in my brain.

I couldn't help but remember:

• how helpless I was that night as my husband was being taken away in the ambulance and my dad followed along in the car. I was stuck at home with the stomach flu...
• the phone calls I had to make to his parents.
• the panic wash over me as Dr. Fitch called me to tell me Ryan was going to have to go on a ventilator.
• the sense of urgency I felt driving to the hospital to see Ryan, to talk to him, to hear his voice...
• the shear terror I felt walking into his room after his vent had been placed.
• the phone call to U of M and realizing how serious this all was.
• the days at Ryan's bedside in early April when he wasn't waking up and it seemed that the doctors and staff were ready to give up.
• the sense of hope that I felt as Ryan started to make a turn for the better.
• the joy I felt at communicating with Ryan again, seeing his determination to beat the odds and prove the doctors wrong.
• the friendships built with the staff in the Unit.
• the pride I had in Ryan's strength, his ability to get out of bed and walk and meet his requirements to get back on the list.
• the priceless moments we had together when we talked for hours about our past and our dreams for our future.
• the anxiety as Ryan's health again started to spiral downward.
• the persistence that Ryan had to keep fighting...to press on.
• the losing battle, the suffering in his eyes as his body got more and more tired.
• the 100% oxygen settings on the ventilator.
• the moment I knew he wasn't going to make it.
• the last "I love you's".
• the last good-bye.

I wonder today how I will make it through the next 11 weeks of remembering...only by God's sustaining grace...

March Madness

I have not got caught up in March Madness this year. Just the thought of filling out a bracket brought tears to my eyes.

Ryan LOVED March Madness.

Every year since we started dating, we would both fill out brackets and have a friendly competition between the two of us. We would then watch as many games together as possible, tracking the winners and teasing each other about who was winning and who was losing. I just couldn't bring myself to fill out a bracket; it would not be the same without Ryan here to compete with me. In the 6 years of our relationship, I was usually the winner (thanks mostly to the help of my students). Last year Ryan won, but he was too sick to even know. This year, this year it doesn't even matter...

Thanks!

I just wanted to take a moment to thank all of you for your words of encouragement and your PRAYERS! They definitely helped yesterday. We had a much better day. I could laugh and enjoy my children...I could breath. THANKS!

We also passed another "milestone" yesterday...it had been one year since Ryan was officially listed on the lung transplant list. Here are my thoughts from that day:

God's Timing
Things never seem to go as planned, well not my plans anyway. The big news today is that Ryan is officially listed for a lung transplant after having a successful heart cath this morning. He is number 1 on the list for his blood type and body size. There are others who have a higher lung allocation scores (LAS), but they have a different body size than Ryan so they don't pull from the same donor lungs.

We had gotten the feeling last week that Ryan would probably be higher on the list that we first thought, but I must say I was SHOCKED when he called and told me that his is number one. I thought that I would have more mental time to prepare, but in all reality I/we could get a call at any moment. It could literally be in the next hour. WOW!!!!!

Please pray that God allows us to both mentally prepare before the time comes, even if it is tonight. Please also pray that I can physically prepare (bags packed, oil changed, bank stuff, phone list done) before this life changing moment happens for us.

This is a picture of Wyatt and I from yesterday. He was in a picture taking mood and I thought this one turned out well. Hopefully he will be in a picture taking mood when I take them for their 3 year old pics on Saturday!

I could really...

... use some prayers right now.

I have not been feeling like myself. I am struggling to wrap my mind around a lot of different things in my life. I don't even know how to describe the past few days:

• I have felt very lonely.
• I have lacked patience with Lily and Wyatt and the tantrums they have taken to throwing.
• I have felt overwhelmed with the responsibility of owning a home.
• I have wondered where God is going to lead us from here...

To me, wondering where God is going to lead us from here is an interesting thought. If He had revealed to me a year ago all that He was going to ask me to go through, I probably would have thrown my own temper tantrum (that is, if I believed Him at all). I know that God knows what is best for me. I know that He is using situations and people in my life to help me transform into a different person. I know that I am still on this earth because He still has work for me to do here. But sometimes I do wish that I could see brief glimpses into my future (as long as they were glimpses of a happy, perfect life).

Anyway...here are some pictures of my little rays of sunshine, the two people who make it a little easier to get out of bed each day!

Enjoying our new backyard...have I told you how BIG it is (it goes all the way to the wooden fence at the "back" of the picture)! Lily and Wyatt would live outside if I let them. Thankfully our BIG backyard is completely fenced in!

Here is a picture of Lily and Wyatt hanging out in the cupboard above our pantry (roughly 5 feet in the air). They thought it was great and are very disappointed that I decided to fill it up with random kitchen appliances rather than them.

My sister-in-law, Amanda, is getting married in a few months. Lily and Wyatt are in the wedding, so we have been looking for a flower girl (a.k.a. princess) dress for Lily to wear. She LOVES being princess! (I will, however, need to teach her that it is NOT appropriate for a princess to lift her dress up!) :)