(This is one of those posts that will be filled with raw honesty -- I don't mean to offend, I just want to be truthful.)
I have decided that I hate going places where I might run into people who know about Ryan's death, but that I don't actually see very often. They all seem to give that sad smile and ask, "How are you doing?" I know that each and everyone of these people is being kind and thoughtful, but I never know what to really say. Do I say fine? I am doing fine -- I am not great; I have definitely been better. I know that I could be worse...isn't that what my HOPE is for? I wonder if people really want me to go into detail about how I am doing at that exact moment...if I am out doing something I might feel completely normal.
So, how am I doing? There are moments where I feel like my breath has been sucked out. I can't really believe that Ryan is gone; sometimes it physically hurts. Those are often the times that I remember something that I used to do for Ryan, with Ryan, or when I "take care of" Ryan's things. It occurs most often at home when I am by myself. It also hurts as I read about other CFer's with new lungs -- good and bad experiences. I wonder what if...
All of my days are not filled with pain. I am not always sad. God continues to fill me, strengthen me, and give me moments of joy in each day. As I have said before, God has put so many wonderful people in my life who love me. Their support and strength is a gift from God. Lily and Wyatt are usually my "joyful moments" what a great blessing they continue to be.
Thanks to ALL of you who let me "be," whether that being is happy, sad, or indifferent. Thanks to those of you who listen when I talk about Ryan or just hang out and make me laugh.
8 comments:
I know this feeling all too well. We live in a small town where everybody knows everybody and everybody shops at the same place as everybody else. People always ask how we are doing and my response is. "We're doing" I have a post on my Blog titled How am I doing read it if you like.
I think alot of times people don't know what to say. With RIchard having CF and Cancer I mean what does one really expect for an answer to the question How are you doing?
Coming from a person who would probably ask how you are doing, I think we use this phrase when we don't really know what else to say. We want you to know we are there for you but don't think that I'm sorry is truely geniune or supportive enough. Maybe we should find another phrase such as ,"We are here if you need support." I guess we don't know what else to say and are afraid of saying the wrong thing so its a safe phrase.
I'm one of those people who would usually just tell you "I don't know what to say..." and just hug you. I always feel stupid saying "I'm sorry" or "How are you?" because the truth is I am sorry, but I know you're (or whoever) not ok right now.
I'm praying for you and the kids. I admire your strength. I know that right now you might not feel very strong, but just getting up each day and continuing on shows incredible strength.
Love from a sister in Christ...
P.S. How'd you get your layout to work? I checked out the site you used and I found some I like, but when I add them, it's all messed up and my words are all over the page.
Smiling...ah, yes! That question is all too familiar to me too. It has been a year and it is still the question I get asked a lot. I have learned to use that opportunity to give God praise and glory...even when I sometimes want to cry right then and there. You, me, and other believers are doing good....God is good...oh, He is SO good!!! The way I see Him very clearly at work in your life is AWESOME to me! You, my friend, are a true testimony of God's love for his children. I love you!
Thanks for all the comments. I know that when people ask they mean well. I have asked the question "how are you?" myself to people who are most obviously going to be hurting....just wanted to share my thoughts on today.
As far as the blog layout goes....yesterday it didn't work. I applied it anyway and then later in the day it was working. I think that site might be having some technical difficulties
Kristin,
I completely understand what you are saying, as I have been where you are now. My husband passed away May 6, 2005 while waiting for lungs. I clung to my faith. When asked, I have been able to share that my faith is what got me through. It has been a powerful testimony. Our church has a group called Grief Share. It was extremely helpful as the materials were developed by christians. You will continue to be in my prayers. My email address is julie_ihp@yahoo.com if you want to chat. It is an address that I don't really use which is why I feel okay with posting it. If you send me an email, I will give you the one that I do use.
God Bless.
big hugs to you.
i agree, most people don't know what to say so they go with that common phrase "how are you?" It's three little words that we use all the time and don't really think of what that possible answer might actually be. It's definately hard to know whether to answer with the typical "fine" or have a break down about how completely horrible you are. either way, it just sux.
thinking of your family
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