Some Firsts

We have had a few more firsts in the past few days; some were actual firsts and some were firsts without Ryan.

• I bought a bike (for me) and a bike trailer (for Lily and Wyatt) so that we can get out and enjoy the beautiful spring weather together (as well as show the kids that exercise is important). It is a lot of work pulling the extra 50+ pounds around, but the kids giggle and laugh the whole time; most of the time they tell me to keep going and not to go home! This morning when I said that we were going home, they asked, "Why, Mommy?" To which I replied, "Mommy is tired." Wyatt then told me, "You can go in and take a nap. We will just chill in here." Tonight we used the bike and trailer to go to a local ice cream shop -- YUM!

• I grilled hamburgers for dinner tonight. It is the first time I have used the grill all year, and only the second time I have used it since Ryan died. When we were first married, Ryan did all the grilling. He was FABULOUS! As time went on, I had to take over the grilling, but he was in charge of the timing as well as keeping Lily and Wyatt distracted so I could get the food ready. I have been hesitant to grill on my own because I didn't know how I would keep the kids distracted or how I would do with the whole timing of things. It also made me sad just to think about grilling without Ryan. I did it. The burgers were okay and we made it through another first (even if it was a "small" one)...and we had our first picnic outside at our picnic table.

• We brought flowers to Daddy's Place for the first time this spring. The kids continue to love to go there, although they thought we were actually bringing flowers to Daddy at first. They said, "In heaven?" Then we had to get in the whole discussion of bringing flowers to Daddy's Place -- where we go to remember Daddy.

  

  

Dutch?

I am 100% Dutch. One of the things you learn while growing up and being Dutch is that you need to get things cheap and learn all ways to save money. :) I have not been very good at following this rule, but I do love a good bargain! My sister amazes me with her ability to cut coupons and save money....she has been known to use coupons so well she gets things for free!

A friend of mine from high school (also Dutch) has recently began a blog where she shares her secrets of cutting coupons and saving money. The money she is able to save is amazing. I thought that some of you might also want to save money (will apply most to those living in Western Michigan). Here is the link to her blog Give Me Neither. You can also find it listed in my blog list.

Happy Shopping and Saving!

Overwhelmed by God

Fear not, for I have redeemed you;

I have summoned you by name;

you are mine.

When you pass through the waters,

I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers,

they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire,

you will not be burned;

the flames will not set you ablaze.

For I am the Lord, your God,

the Holy One of Israel,

your SAVIOR.

Isaiah 43:1-3

These verses were sent to us last year while Ryan was in the hospital. They helped us to keep fighting each day. They gave us the strength to face each challenge and to know that we would be able to make it through whatever came our way.

I was reflecting on the words of these verses this morning and I was so overwhelmed by God, by His promises. They have reminded me that God has not let me go, even once, in the last year. He has walked beside me; He has held me up.

The trials in the ICU and the trials of this past year have strengthened me. They have refined me. They have stretched me. There have been days (even in the past week) when I felt like I was drowning or being scorched, but I have made it through each of those days. I am thankful that I have grown and changed, that I am not the same person I was a year ago. I am thankful for my God and His faithfulness to me through all of the waters, rivers, and fires.

Gratitude

I love this song and all that it stands for. God does not always give us what we want or what we think is best...

May I give thanks for the way that God works and the things He provides.



Send some rain, would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case ...

We'll give thanks to You with gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun
that warms our face
If You never send us rain

Daily bread, give us daily bread
Bless our bodies, keep our children fed
Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight
Wrap us up and warm us through
Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs
Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time
Or maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case ...

We'll give thanks to You with gratitude
A lesson learned to hunger after You
That a starry sky offers a better view
If no roof is overhead
And if we never taste that bread

Oh, the differences that often are between
Everything we want and what we really need

So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not today
Peace might be another world away
And if that's the case ...

We'll give thanks to You with gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if You never grant us peace ...

But, Jesus, would You please ...

342...23...

342...

• the number of days since June 6, 2008
• the number of days since Ryan went to heaven
• the number of days I have been a widow
• the number of days my children have not had their daddy
• the number of days I have searched for a new "normal"

23...

• the number of days to June 6, 2009
• the number of days left to get through this first year

Yesterday, as I sat in the drive-thru at the bank, I was hit with reality. It was as though I realized for the first time that this is my life now. I am a widow. I am a single mom. I have to do this on my own. I don't have any other choices, because Ryan isn't coming back.

I have obviously known all of these facts for almost a year. I have grieved Ryan's death; I have grieved my new roles in life; I have grieved the dreams I have lost. I have found joy in the small things. I have peace and strength that only God can give.

I think it just hit me so hard because I have become used to it. I have found a new "normal". I have learned how to get through each day without Ryan. I have found the strength to deal with two 3 year olds. I have managed to create a life here where I am able to laugh and smile, to have hopes and dreams.

I know that those are all good things for me, yet I do not like it. I do not like this new normal. I wish Ryan was here living life with me, raising Lily and Wyatt with me.

I wonder where God will take us now. A year ago I had no idea that this would be my life today. The future is a scary thing for me, because I have no idea what lies ahead. Growing up I always knew (or thought I did) what was coming: graduation from high school and college, a teaching career, marriage, children, happily ever after... I accomplished all those goals, well almost. But now what. Where does I go from here? I am not sure what God's plans are for me future and it is scary for me. I am trying to rest peacefully in His promises for me...not an easy thing to do.

{As far as June 6, 2009 goes, I am not sure what it will look like for me. To be honest, I cannot begin to imagine what I will be feeling that day. Many of you have asked what I want to do that day or what you can do for me that day. My answer...I don't know. I cannot picture what I want that day to be. I know that I don't want it to be a day full of sadness, although I am sure there will be some tears. I am hoping to figure out a way to "celebrate" Ryan's 1st Birthday in heaven. Please be patient with me as that day approaches...my emotions have already been a mess (although I hide it most of the time). Thanks for your love, support, and understanding.}

DISNEY!

We had a terrific time on our trip to Walt Disney World. Here is a run-down of our time there...enjoy the slide show at the end! :)

Wednesday:
We left from our local airport without too much hassle. Both kids did AMAZING on the airplane. Wyatt even said "wee" when we took off. They both enjoyed the "bumps" (read: turbulence) and giggled throughout much of the trip.

We made our connecting flight in Atlanta with seconds to spare (not the most fun experience of my life, but we all survived). We then proceeded to sit in the airplane on the runway for an hour and a half...Lily and Wyatt did fantastic!

We landed in Orlando, grabbed our luggage, a bite to eat, and then the Disney Magical Express over to Disney World. We were greeted by my friend, Jenni, who I went to Clearwater Christian College with. She is actually a "Cast Member" at Disney and was able to bless us greatly during our trip! We found our cabin at Fort Wilderness and got the kids ready for bed. Jenni and I were able to run out and get a few groceries for our stay. Thanks so much for all you did, Jenni!

Thursday:
We began our day with an hour and a half transportation adventure. We took both a boat and a bus to get to our Character Breakfast with Minnie Mouse, Donald Duck, and Goofy at the Beach Club Resort. The food was delicious and worth all the effort it took to get there. Watching Lily and Wyatt interact with the different characters was priceless!

We then boarded another bus and headed over to explore Downtown Disney. The kids had fun going into all different shops and seeing Mickey and friends throughout it all. We all enjoyed our ice cream from Ghiradelli Ice Cream and Chocolate Shop. It was then back to Fort Wilderness from some rest time before returning to Downtown Disney for dinner at Earl of Sandwich.

Friday:
We met up with Jenni and her daughter, Lily, at Animal Kingdom. The first thing we did was go on the Kilimanjaro Safari. It was so neat to see the different animals up close! There was a baby giraffe only a few feet from our truck and a rhino actually crossed the road right in front of us. Jenni kept telling me that she couldn't believe how many animals were out...more than usual. We also enjoyed Finding Nemo -- The Musical while in Animal Kingdom.

After lunch, we all loaded in Jenni's car and drove over to Magic Kingdom. We were handed some FastPasses to the Winnie the Pooh ride which the kids loved! Lily was then able to meet her favorites: the princesses. Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, and Belle were all just waiting for her! :)

We did a little more wandering and then headed back to Fort Wilderness for some rest and some time to cool off (it was in the 90's every day that we were at Disney). No one slept, but we did cool off! We (my mom and I) also decided it would be in our best interest to rent a golf cart to help us get around. (That was the main draw back to staying at the cabins, you have to get on an "internal" bus just to get to either the boats or the other buses to get anywhere.)

We took our newly acquired golf cart back to the marina and took a boat back to Magic Kingdom for dinner and more fun. We all enjoyed "It's A Small World"; it was fun to watch the kids faces and they looked at all the different scenes! The kids and I then went on the Magic Carpet Ride from Aladdin (similar to Dumbo). Wyatt surprised me by giggling and laughing through the whole ride! They then enjoyed some Mickey Ear ice cream before we headed back to our cabin for the night.

Saturday:
We had a much more relaxed day on Saturday. We slept in (7:30 instead of 6:30) and then explored Fort Wilderness on our golf cart while we waited for my friend, Laurie, and her kids, Zane and Sophia to come for the day. Laurie and I went to Trinity Christian College together! We enjoyed playing at the park and swimming together in the pool (where Wyatt once again surprised me with his laughter!). It was so good to see Laurie and meet her kids (I haven't seen Laurie since my wedding!).

Lily and Wyatt laid down for a nap, my dad took a hike, and my mom and I rested after Laurie and her kids left. After resting, we again went back to Downtown Disney for dinner at Wolfgang Puck Express. I thought the food was delicious! We did a little more shopping before heading back to our cabin one last time. :(

Sunday:
We packed up and got ready to start another LONG day of travel. It was a little stressful again in the airport, but we managed to make our flight. We got back home just before bedtime!

Overall, the trip was great! My parents were fantastic...I could not have made this trip without them! Lily and Wyatt amazed me with their flexibility and their enjoyment of all things! We were able to create memories that will last forever...and yes, I do hope to go back to Disney some day!

Make photo slide shows at www.OneTrueMedia.com

A Magical Moment...Preview :)

Here is a brief glimpse of our trip...stay tuned for pictures...

It's Finally Here...

Today is the day. It is May 6, 2009. The kids and I (along with my parents) will be boarding a plane and heading to the place where dreams come true. I wonder what our trip will actually look like. What will make the kids laugh? What will put a look of pure awe on their faces? What moments will I cherish forever? I can't wait to spend this time with the kids. I can't wait to have this time away. I can't wait to create new and happy memories with Lily and Wyatt!

Today is the day. It is May 6, 2009. Today marks the 11 month anniversary of Ryan's death. I have only one more month to prepare for June 6, 2009. What will make me cry? How will I handle that day? What will I do to honor Ryan's memory and celebrate, yes, celebrate his first heaven birthday?

Today is the day. A bittersweet day. A day filled with great anticipation. A day to create new memories. A day to remember.

More Firsts

We are facing more "firsts" this week. I am dreading facing the "firsts". I hate the "firsts"! They aren't all big events, but they are events that meant something to Ryan.

Kentucky Derby. Ryan LOVED to watch this. I have no idea why, but he looked forward to watching this split-second sporting event each year. Last year we watched this from Ann Arbor (not actually together because I was out to dinner...). I don't want to watch it today!

Mother's Day. Yes, Mother's Day is a full week away, but due to our vacation, we are celebrating Mother's Day tonight with my family (Mom, thanks for all that you do for the kids and I! We could not have gotten through this past year without you!). I don't know why this day seems so hard. It is, after all, a day for moms, but Ryan always did his best to make this a special day for me. He always did something sweet or silly to tell me how much he appreciated me being the mother of his children. Last year, we spent Mother's Day together in the hospital with both of our moms. It was a hard day because he was "diagnosed" with C-DIF and once again put on hold.

Disney. Please don't get me wrong, I am REALLY looking forward to our vacation this week. I am looking forward to getting away for a few days. But this is the first vacation we are taking as a family and a very important part of the family is missing. Ryan and I were never able to take vacations due to his health issues and a lack of finances (he did spoil me with a honeymoon in Hawaii though!). I know that he would love watching Lily and Wyatt take in everything at Disney.

There have been other things happening in life that I long to discuss with Ryan: to gain his wisdom, to cry on his shoulder, to laugh about together, to share the burden. I miss him so much today!!!

Fun with Auntie!

The last few days we have been busy having fun. Auntie Amanda (Ryan's sister) came up to stay with us for a few days.

We had a tremendous amount of fun playing at a park...

having adventures in Target...

exploring at the children's museum...

and just being silly outside...

Thanks Auntie for coming over to play! We love you!

Love of Spring!

I LOVE spring ... it is one of my favorite seasons (along with fall).

I love the walks I take around my house, discovering the different life growing out there (thankfully, I didn't have to plant it and hopefully it will take care of itself)!

I love the warm days when the kids are able to play outside for hours.

I love my fenced in backyard that is basically our own personal park.

I love the new loader that Aunt Sandy found for us on a garage sale...Wyatt is in his glory!

I love the laughter of my children.

I love the pictures that they take.

Reality

Reality is...
...being a widow
...being a single parent
...loneliness
That is my reality.

What will I do with it? How will it change me? Will I grow and learn from my reality or will I sit here and whine and feel sorry for myself?

God must have heard my cries of loneliness yesterday and decided to make Himself be heard in my life today. Two different times today, God has told me that He is here. That He is taking care of me. That I need to let go of my expectations for my life and allow Him to work in me.

As I was doing my bible study this morning, I read the following words from Beth Moore in John: 90 Days with the Beloved Disciple (pp.67 & 68):

"If He (Christ) gives us a task or assigns us to a difficult season, every ounce of our experience is meant for our instruction and completion if only we'll let Him finish the work....I truly believe that if we're willing to see, God uses every difficulty and every assignment to confide deep things to us, and that the lessons are not complete until their beauty has been revealed. I fear, however, that we have such attention deficit that we settle for bearable when beauty was just around the corner."

WOW! Okay, God, I am listening. I know you are teaching me, now please help me learn.

I then headed to church. I love my church. I love the people. I love the music. I love the teaching. Over the last year, I have felt that God has used every message to speak to me and today was no different. The sermon title was "The Great Wall of Reality." Our pastor started off by saying: "your present reality can be used to accomplish God's ultimate purpose." He went on to talk about King David and the struggles he faced before actually reaching the throne. How God used the circumstances of his life to make him a better king. How we need to take the realities of our lives and allow God to grow us through them.

It is hard for me to see right now how God will use my reality for His purpose, but I need to sit back and let God work. I need to trust and believe that God will do what He says He will do. I have no reason to doubt Him. He has been abundantly faithful over the last year, blessing me and sustaining me with this grace and love and strength!

I can tell you that I consider my reality a difficult season in my life. Am I letting it shape me and mold me? Am I waiting and learning? Will I settle for bearable or will I press on and find the beauty that God has just around the corner?

I have been absent from the blog because I really don't have much to say. There are things that go through my mind on a daily basis regarding our journey, but most of those things I don't know how to put down into words. I hate to always be negative or depressing, so sometimes it is easier not to share...

There is a constant battle of loneliness raging in my heart and in my mind. I hate walking this path by myself. Yes, I know that I have a lot of friends and family who care about me. Yes, I know that I have a God who loves me immeasurably. Yes, I know that I have two beautiful children who make me laugh (and sometimes cry) on a daily basis. But that does not change the fact that life is lonely. It does not change the fact that Ryan does not walk through the door each night after work. It does not change the fact that the one person who could get Wyatt to smile during a bath is never going to help with baths again. It does not change the fact that being a single mom is one of the hardest tasks I have ever faced. It does not change the fact that each night I lay in bed and my husband does not lay next to me.

I keep hoping that when I wake up each morning it will get a little easier. Some days are easier; some days are not. Seven weeks from today we will be at the anniversary of Ryan's death. I keep thinking that maybe things will be different after that. All of the firsts will be done. I will have survived the first year. But, in reality, life will continue on without Ryan just as it has done for the past year. I will still face loneliness. I will still face the struggles of being a single mom.

But, I will still make it through each day with God's strength, grace and love.

Gotta Love a Giveaway!

Do you remember Maggie Moo's Mom~Alison Harris who made these adorable shirts for Lily and Wyatt?

Well she is doing a giveaway for spring...Who’s Ready for a Spring Giveaway!!!?!! She has started creating these fabulous new keyfob/keychains. Go check it out!

Hope in Easter

Today is Easter Sunday. A day to celebrate the HOPE that we have in Jesus and his victory over death! There is so much more on my heart that I wish I could put into words. I don't know how. Rejoice in the gift you have been given today!

Pictures to Make You Smile! :)

Wyatt wants to be a ballerina princess too!

Lily....3 going on 16!

Birthday Pictures!

Here are the pictures from Lily and Wyatt's many different birthday celebrations.

attitude adjustment

I have been in need of an attitude adjustment for the past month. I have been in a pit of feeling sorry for myself. I have focused on all the things that I don’t have in this life, rather than on the gifts that God has given to me. I have focused on my loneliness and the great ache in my heart, rather than on the joy and laughter of my children and the comfort of my family and friends.

Today is a new day. Today is the day that I am going to choose to change my attitude. I am going to look for the beauty in the ashes. I am going to focus on the blessings that God has given to me. I am going to rejoice in the fact that I have a God who loves me and who has given me hope for my future. I am going to enjoy the life that God has given me TODAY and not dwell in the past or focus on the future. Today is the day that I will remind myself that Jesus is MORE than enough for me!

It has been 10 months today since Ryan died. I will continue to press on. I will continue to rest in the hands of my heavenly Father. I will continue to see the blessings that God has given to me. That is what I need to do; that is what Ryan would want me to do.

If you need some encouragement, head over to Bring The Rain and listen to the song Unredeemed. It is Selah's new song (not released yet and only available on Angie's site for a few days), that speaks about God's work in redeeming the desperate and difficult situations in our lives...God is so GOOD, so LOVING and so FAITHFUL!!!

Happy 3rd Birthday, Lily Grace and Wyatt Ryan!

Happy Birthday, Lily and Wyatt!

It is so hard for Mommy to believe that you have been in this world for 3 years! You make me smile each and every day. You are best friends and you watch out for one another. You love to laugh and play together. You both love to be outside and read books. You both miss your Daddy. You know that you must love and obey Jesus to get to heaven someday.

Lily Grace:
You favorite colors are pink and purple.
You love to eat most fruits and vegetables and will try almost anything that mommy puts on your plate.
You are a "girly-girl" who loves pretty dresses and new shoes.
You are a great mommy to your babies, but you love to play cars with Wyatt.
You enjoy coloring, stickers, markers, and painting.
You are independent, but you also love to cuddle.
You almost always have a smile on your face.
You are so excited to meet the Princesses!
I love you my little princess!

Wyatt Ryan:
Your favorite colors are blue, green and orange.
You love Lightning McQueen and Mater.
You love to play with cars, trucks, and trains.
You are timid and shy...Mommy's Little Boy!
You are very protective of "your" Lily.
You do not like new things, but almost always enjoy them once you try.
You are a more picky eater, but you enjoy PB & J and most kinds of fruit.
You are very loving and will always say "I Love You" to Mommy and Lily.
You HATE being in water, including the bath tub.
I love you my little man!

*Remember to turn the music off on the blog.

My Sweet Baby

Lily is still not herself. She fought against a stomach bug all day yesterday and went to bed before 7:00 last night. She slept for more than 14 hours straight! She woke up asking for milk which of course I could not give to her. She has eaten a little, and thankfully, she has kept it down, but she is still so lethargic. I don't think she has slept this much since she was 3 months old! Here are couple pictures of how I have found my baby girl each time I have checked on her in the family room (where she has laid in front of the television for the last two days!).