Tears

I have cried so much the last few days. I have felt the pain of Ryan's death more and more as the summer has gone on. All of the numbing shock is gone and the full reality of life has set in. Ryan is not here. He is not coming back. I can't call him and tell him what I am feeling. I miss his gentle reassurance when my world is out of control. I miss just being with him.

My emotions hit me in unexpected waves. I can often control my emotions when I am out, crying only in the house when the kids are in bed and I am alone. Today, I cannot seem to be strong enough to keep it together. I cried after my property manager asked how I was doing. I cried at the place I had my finger prints taken because I encountered a medical situation that was a vivid reminder of Ryan. I cried when a complete stranger was nice to me. I cried when I received an email telling me that someone was praying for me today.

I cried out to God and told him I didn't know how I was going to do this by myself.

God's response: Literally moments after my prayer through my tears, my sweet son, Wyatt, walked in the room and gave me a hug. He climbed in my lap and just started patting me to comfort me. He had been playing in the other room with Lily. He had not seen me crying today, yet God used him in that moment to remind me that I am not alone. God is here with me hearing my cries and He has given me two precious reminders of Ryan.

Today has not been easy. God knows that I am hurting. Jesus knows what it is like to cry. God's grace is sufficient and his mercies are new every morning, I will take comfort in those things today and hope for a better tomorrow.