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Lily and Wyatt love to look at the picture of Ryan reading them their Bible; it breaks my heart because it won't happen anymore. He won't sit outside on a nice afternoon after work and watch them play in the pool like he did last summer. He won't have to listen to the "Bob" songs in the car. Lily and Wyatt should not have to learn a little song about Daddy in heaven where he is happy and healthy.I just want to hear his voice. I just want to hold his hand or get a hug. I just want him to walk through the door and be home for the night. I just want him to sit and eat dinner with us. I just want to listen to him breath at night as he sleeps. I just wish he could have gone kayaking or celebrated my Dad's birthday with the family.
I wish that I had not taken all of those things for granted. I wish that I had not gotten annoyed at all the little, stupid things and just enjoyed the moments. I wish that I could go back and change so many things.
I know that Ryan is happy and healthy in heaven. I know that what he is experiencing now is so much better than new lungs would have been, but I miss him so much.
I know that God will take care of me, of us, but I just wish it could be different.
7 comments:
I too wish it could have been different. Kristin thanks for being honest today! I love you and will pray extra hard for you today! How you must hurt, I can only imagine; my heart grieves for the hurt you are going through, I pray God touches you in a special way today and lets you know He is there! I love you!!
kristin
i want to say that i can sort of relate to your day today. we lost our little guy seth 9 months ago today. i wish i could hear him say to me just one more time "hi mom" in his sweetest little russian accent. i wish i could tell him to push up his glasses just one more time. i wish that i could see how messy he got his shirts and to be able to say to him "do you want a bib" and hear him laugh hysterically at that. i wish i could see him sneak around the corner thinking that i didn't see him just so he could "scare" me. I wish i could just smell his sweet hair, hold his small hand, tickle his belly, and hear him say in his raspy little voice "i'm not giving in mom!!" i just miss him. some days more than others. so i know your feelings somewhat - please know that even though you don't know me i've been praying for you through this all. maybe someday we can meet.... on my "seth days" i just try picturing God just carrying me through - becuz those days i know it's not me getting me through - it's Him. Climb onto His lap, Kristin - it's where it feels the safest.
jolynn van wienen (friends of Mark and Kate's)
My heart is breaking for you my friend...I am praying that God continues to wrap His loving arms around you and hold you closer than ever!
my heart is hurting for you -- I will make sure I say extra prayers for you tonight.... I can't even imagine your reality.... and you know its ok that you feel this way.... that you have your doubts and are mad, angry, sad, don't understand... all of it - very normal and make sure you never feel feel bad for feeling this way!! Thats the best part about our God - he still loves you - even when you don't know why!
Days like this are no fun. Your own grief is one thing but add to that your sadness at your children's loss and it can seem unbearable. May God continue to hold you gently during those times you crave Ryan's touch. It is such a fragile thing, grief. Continue to share your heart, Kristin. I care.
Oh Kristin - your blog always speaks directly to my heart. I am so sorry for all of the saddness you have/are experiencing. Ya know... to be completely honest with you - Shane and I were in a little "tiff" yesterday and after I read your blog, I felt so convicted. Instead of being annoyed with him, I suddenly became so happy that I at least had him hear to annoy me! :-) What I'm trying to say (on a more serious note) is that you helped me to put things in perspective and for that I am greatful. Thank you for speaking truth to all of us. We love you and are praying for you.
Whoops!!! That should be a "here" and not "hear". How embarrassing to do that on a TEACHER'S blog... lol :-)
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